How to Forget the Scars
by Lewen2015
Summary: He was a Templar, but the fact that he left the Order isn't enough for Trevelyan to trust him on sight. A mage carries their only hope at closing the Breach and Cullen has no other choice than believing she's up for the task despite his inner fears. From distrust to love, can they learn together that the ghosts from their past doesn't define who they are?
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note** : Promise, I'll make this note quick. First of all a little apology, English isn't my mother tongue but I tried hard to check both spelling and grammar best I could, if you spot a mistake fell free to tell and I'll correct it.

Second, about the story itself, I will focus on the events from DAI, mostly filling the blanks between the major plot events, sometimes borrowing scenes or dialogues from the game, sometimes altering them, so, yes, there will be spoilers. This story is mainly about the development of the relationship between Cullen and a female mage Trevelyan but will include other characters from the game and probably original characters later on.

I believe that's it! So, I hope you guys enjoy!

* * *

She knew earlier when she had stepped out of the cottage and saw all the people in Haven looking at her in awe that it was gonna be a really bad day. It had been instinct but now, with this inquisition thing and all the nonsense about her being the Herald of Andraste she knew she had been right. And she wasn't even taking in account the headache that had slowly taken her while trying to remember what happened at the conclave before all hell broke loose.

"Herald?"

She was gazing absent-mindedly at the mark on her hand, and quite frankly had stopped listening to the planning of the trip to the Hinterlands a few minutes ago.

"Herald?"

That time the voice of Leliana calling her made her come back to the reality of the moment.

"Hum, yes, sorry. I'm not quite used to… people calling me that."

"That's alright. You've been through a lot these past days, it's all but normal that you need time to adjust." The spymaster offered her a small smile and went on with the topic at hand "As I was saying, Mother Giselle will be waiting for you at the crossroads, but the area has become the battleground of both Templars and rebel mages, you'll probably need to battle your way through."

"I'm sure it's nothing we won't be able to handle. As long as they don't have a giant pride demon with them, I'm still covered in bruises because of that thing."

"Well you should have stayed back as I told you, instead of running in the front line." responded Cassandra dryly.

"And then do what besides throwing ice bombs at him? I'm trained to fight in close combat situations, I'm better there then at the back just casting spells. And besides, I'm pretty sure you have some bruises yourself, I saw you took that nasty blow." She said back with a small amused smirk.

Cassandra rolled her eyes letting out a tired sigh "Why have I the feeling that you're going to be impossible on that topic Trevelyan."

"Wait, you had combat training?" This time it was Cullen speaking, a clear note of surprise in his voice. Alexis averted her gaze from Cassandra to meet the Commander's eyes, keeping her face as neutral as possible. She still hadn't figured out what to do and how to act in front of him, and until she had a better insight on how exactly he was positioning himself regarding the mages and the conflict between the rebels and the Templars, she was going to be cautious around the man. He had been quite adamant earlier on the fact that Templars were a best option than mages to help close the Breach. Sure, he hadn't shown any sign of distrust toward her for being a mage, yet, and had even greeted her warmly earlier saying he was pleased she had survived. But… Alexis wasn't going to place an imaginary "Good Templar" label on the man just yet.

"Yes, with or without magic I'm a decent fighter." She responded on a very calm tone, her vivid blue eyes scanning the commander's face for any sign of reaction.

"I had no idea they gave such training in the Ostwick circle."

"No, they don't give such training. The Templars wouldn't have been pleased about that, you can imagine." She teased without smirking too much. Yet the Commander didn't take the bait, frowning just a little before adding:

"I have to admit, I am curious about when and where you have developed such abilities?"

"You did handle yourself quite well in battle, even if a bit too brash." Said Cassandra

"Well, long story short, being from a noble family and the Trevelyans having strong ties to the Chantry nobody opposed me the day I choose to study and practice magic best suited in combat situations, which includes some sort of combat training. I was also able to come home from time to time and…. Let's just say that I got along quite well with my father's sword master. Plus, Ostwick may not have been the first circle to join the rebellion but when it did I went on my way and picked up a few things here and there."

She wasn't going to serve them the whole story regarding the last years nor give them an insight on how extended her combat training was, not just yet, although she suspected the spymaster to know way more about her than she was saying. But Cullen's response interrupted her trail of thoughts and Alexis' attention went back to the commander.

"I suppose that given the circumstances it's a good thing as you will certainly face many battles." He gave her a small nod, his tone nor his face letting any insight on whether the fact that a mage had learned how to fight and to defend herself without magic was bugging him, or not. She held his warm amber gaze, restraining herself from smiling defiantly. She had to know. Could he be trusted? Or was his charm and his genuine concern just a smoke screen. She knew how handsome men could be treacherous and the commander was too handsome to be just a nice and well-mannered former Templar.

"While you are in the Hinterlands you should also look for master Denett, Redcliff's old horse master." Cullen added, setting the conversation back to the planning of the journey awaiting her. "We will need horses and he's known to breed and train the best mounts this side of the frostbacks."

"Alright, we'll look into it as soon as we have met Mother Giselle."

"I believe that settles the matter for know" Said Josephine. "Although I will need to have a chat with you Lady Trevelyan, before you depart."

"Of course Josephine, but can it wait? I honestly have a nasty headache and I'm not sure I will be of any use right now."

"You're still not feeling well?" Inquired Leliana

"I'm fine, just the headache. It's just… every time I try hard to remember what happened at the conclave I feel like there are needles poking into my brain. But don't worry fresh air and a walk and it'll be alright."

"We could all use some fresh air I'm sure." Said Cassandra, giving them a small bow of her head while reaching for the door and exiting the room, quickly followed by Josephine and Leliana. Alexis was going to leave when Cullen called after her.

"Herald. When you have the time, come see me. I have some items that belong to you. The ones you had on you when the soldiers found you stepping out of the rift. I'm sure you'll want them back."

She cringed a little at hearing him called her Herald. She definitely didn't like that tittle. But she looked back to him not showing anything about her discomfort. And indeed she was more than pleased to hear that some of her gear hadn't disappeared.

"That's great, thank you. I will stop by later today if that's okay."

"Whenever you feel like it Herald."

She was turning away, ready to leave, but stopped herself and looked back to the commander, offering him a smile.

"Please, if we are to work together, call me Alexis. Or Trevelyan. You may even add Lady in front of it if you're found of titles. Because I swear that if I ear too much Herald in one day… I might just end up punching someone."

He laughed, even briefly before looking at her, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips where he had a scar.

"And we wouldn't want that."

"Nope."

"Right. Then I'll see you later Lady Trevelyan."

"See you later Commander."

She turned back, leaving the war room towards the main entry of the chantry. So much for not letting her guard down, right? And all because she couldn't stand a bloody title. She mentally slapped herself. Smiling and teasing a man wasn't a bad idea if your target is the random handsome guy in the tavern you're passing by, the one you're trying to gauge and whom you're going to be working with? Not such a good move.

As a punishment the headache came back hard on her, pulsing painfully all the way to her temple. She winced a little and fastened her pace towards the doors. This was definitely not the best day in her life.


	2. Chapter 2

Stepping outside the Chantry was a relief. Closing her eyes, Alexis took some time to let the fresh and cold air clear her head, and after a few deep breaths she could already feel the pain slowly fading away. But the relief was short. Opening her eyes she saw people looking in her direction with that same strange look they all had on their faces when she awoke after her attempt to close the Breach. Strongly hoping that all this nonsense was temporary, she walked away, heading for the gates. Before running into anyone else she pulled the hood of her traveling coat on her head and tugged back her long brown hair. It seemed a foolish attempt to hide like this, but if she could avoid a few strange looks, so be it.

For a moment she almost regretted no longer being seen as the murderer of the Divine. Anger and hate, she knew how to deal with that, somehow, but this devotion and the hope she seemed to represent? It made her very uncomfortable.

A sudden pang of fear crept inside her. They were not waiting for her to do anything religious, were they? Praying or anything like that? Maker's breath it had been years since the last time she recited any canticle of the chant of light and she was fairly certain she could not remember any words correctly if asked to.

"Everything alright Trevelyan? You look like you just seen a ghost. "

She was passing Varric's fire camp and, clearly, a hood wasn't enough to hide well. Or maybe Varric had a vantage point being a dwarf. In any case, he was probably one of the few people in Haven whom she was glad to talk to. That Herlad of Andraste thing hadn't change the way he was around her in any way.

"Urgh… no. Just thinking about stuff I reaaaally hope won't happen."

"Wanna share those really bad thoughts?"

With a gesture he offered her to sit around the fire and she took place on a log next to him.

"Oh it's silly in fact. I was just thinking how bad it would be if the people here were waiting for me to do, I don't know… something Chantry related, like praying or, pretty much any stuff like that."

"Not much of a Chantry fan, are you?"

"Well let's just say that for some years now, the Chantry and I don't see eye to eye."

"I thought I heard you said that one of the reasons they choose to send you to the Conclave was the fact that your family has close ties to the Chantry."

The Trevelyans and the Chantry, yes that was a long love story. A path she had followed blindly during her youth, not questioning that part of her education. After all, if her parents believed, how could she not? How could she not sing the chant of light along with the rest of her family? But that was before, before her powers came to life, before her whole childhood world came crashing down like stormy waves on rocks.

Alexis stopped her trail of thoughts on that subject. Reminisce about her past was rarely a fun thing to do. Yet, she had fun memories that involved the Chantry somehow. Rather than having to elaborate on her ties with her family she diverted the conversation. Hiding behind humor that was a thing she was good at. And somehow she sensed that Varric would understand.

"Yes, indeed. And my mother would probably have a heart attack if she knew just how much I skipped the weekly prayers at the circle's Chantry. Or…did pretty much anything but pray if I was stranded there."

"Pretty much anything? I sense there is a story behind that sentence. And you know how much I like those." Varric had a huge grin across his face "Humor the writer in me! Tales of how the mighty Herald of Andraste spent her time during prayers not praying, that's bestseller material."

Alexis couldn't help but laugh and after a quick look around, making sure nobody was within earshot, she spoke about what was probably the trick that had saved her from hours of boredom.

"Alright. I'll tell you about this could take a book containing prayers and canticles from the chant of light with us. And one day I realized that it was exactly the same size as my study books on elemental magic. So…"

"Andraste's flaming knickers. You actually replaced the prayers by your book on magic?"

"Yup! Made quite a nice job at exchanging the covers. Nobody ever saw a thing! Even heard a Chantry sister say one day that I looked very devoted during the prayers. Although concentrated on figuring out how I could transform the ice wall technique to be more offensive was the correct answer to my… devotion! "

They shared a laugh and for the first time since the conclave Alexis felt a little less out of place.

"I'll give you that Trevelyan, you have some ideas going on in this thick head of yours."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"So, afraid Cassandra is going to make you kneel in front of an altar in public?"

"No… rather afraid that she tries and succeeds in convincing me that it would be good for the inquisition's image that I do so."

"Oh don't worry about the Seeker. She'll strong arm you before trying to convince you. I'd be more worried if it's Josephine who does the talking"

Josephine. That woman clearly had a way with words and Alexis was fairly certain that if needed she would be able to serve a convincing selling speech about the Chantry to a Qunari. Crap, hadn't Josephine said that she wanted to have a chat with her?

"Thanks' Varric. Now I've got this idea in my head and Josephine did tell me earlier that she wanted to talk."

The even briefly dreadful look on Alexis face made the dwarf smile.

"Always happy to help. Though, I'd be you, I'd let a word slip to Josephine about how bad an idea it would be. You know, just in case."

"Oh now I'm definitely telling her that this would be a terrible idea."

Talking to Varric was a nice distraction from the tiresome meeting and the concerns surrounding their situation. And she was glad that he would accompany her on the journey to the Hinterlands. She had the feeling he would make a great travelling companion and surely one who could find ways to lighten the mood, and with the very serious Cassandra, it would certainly be welcome.

The afternoon was slowly passing by and the already cold air was beginning to be filled with an even colder breeze. She wasn't easily cold; somehow, ice being her magical weapon of choice had strengthened her resistance. But even so, Haven's climate and the wind of the night to come sent a small shiver down her spine and she closed her coat a bit more tightly around her, wandering how Varric could stand the cold with nothing more but an open shirt and his chest hair. She slipped a hand in her pocket looking for her gloves only to find them missing. When she awoke this morning her coat was the only personal belonging they had left for her. Clearly they had made a full search of what she had on her when they had found her near the Breach.

She remembered the Commander saying he still had some of her equipment and after all, now was as good as any time to go claim them. She hadn't thought about it since she had awoken, but know, she found herself strongly hoping that some items in particular had been on her, had survived the conclave. It was all that she had left, last tokens of the memories worth preserving from her life in the circle, and of her time after it rebelled.

"Anyway, I should go see the Commander before it's too late. Apparently he's the one holding hostage the very dangerous things I had on me at the conclave."

"You mean the one that caused the explosion." He said giving her a wink

"Precisely! Anyway, thanks for the chat Varric"

"Anytime Trevelyan. Oh and while you're there, remind Curly that I'm still waiting for him to show up for a game of Wicked Grace."

She glanced at the dwarf, quirking a brow. Curly? So that was Varric's nickname for the commander? "All right, I will. See you later Varric." Smiling a little she stood up and took her leave, quickly stepping down the stairs and passing through the large wooden doors.

A forceful breeze was sweeping the open field. Even if small, Haven's ramparts would offer a protection to everyone in the village from the bites of the wind, out here it hit her with its full strength, engulfing itself in the hood of her coat, making it fall back on her shoulders so it could play with the long strands of her dark brown hair.

Alexis looked around briefly, searching for the commander. It didn't take long to notice him, standing on the training yard, giving directives to the soldiers, reprimanding others for their lack of concentration. Even if he wasn't the one giving orders it would have been hard to miss him, and it wasn't just the armor nor the red of his coat lined with fur. He stood out from the rest of the crowd gathered there. But she wasn't sure why exactly and she found herself staring at him for a moment. One thing was certain; he had an aura of confidence about him that seemed natural not forced. Whether she could trust him personally or not, he probably was a good leader for the inquisition's army.

Could she trust a Templar, potentially regarding decisions where her life hanged in the balance? It was the thing she had to learn about him, one she still felt really unsure about. Perhaps this first one on one chat could help her learn more about him. And well, If Varric had such a cute nickname for the Commander, how bad could he really be?


	3. Chapter 3

Alexis walked carefully to the training yard, fresh patch of snow slightly crackling underneath her boots. As she was approaching she heard the commander scolding one of the soldiers.

"You there! There's a shield in your hand. Block with it. If that man were your enemy, you would be dead. Lieutenant, don't hold back. The recruits must prepare for a real fight, not a practice one "

"Yes commander" Said the lieutenant in question, a Templar if his armor was any indication. The man left as Alexis was reaching the Commander's side and Cullen greeted her with a small nod.

"We've received a number of recruits, locals from Haven and some pilgrims, none made quite the entrance you did."

He was looking at her, clearly trying to read her. She was doing so herself, yet she couldn't tell much past the calm expression on his face.

"That wasn't my idea."

"I'd be concerned if it was" an almost imperceptible smile came at the corner of his lips just for a second, then, looking away he started to walk the field, silently asking her to follow as he continued to talk.

"I was recruited to the inquisition in Kirkwall myself. I was there during the mage uprising, I saw firsthand the devastation it caused. Cassandra sought a solution. When she offered me a position I left the Templars to join her cause. Now it seems we face something far worse."

While talking Cullen had been given a report by a messenger and he looked quickly at the note before handing it back and coming to a halt. Alexis wasn't sure how to respond, finding herself at the center of all these events still felt weird, and she felt out of place. Of course she wanted to help, she wasn't going to run away being the only one who could close the Breach, but she couldn't figure out how she could fit in this inquisition. Well, she had to respond to the Commander, and you couldn't go wrong with stating the obvious?

"The conclave destroyed a giant hole in the sky. Things aren't looking good."

"Which is why we're needed." He said immediately. "The Chantry lost control of both Templars and mages. Now they argue over a new Divine while the Breach remains. The inquisition could act when the Chantry cannot. Our followers would be part of that. There's so much we can…Forgive me. I doubt you came here for a lecture."

If she was a bit lost about the inquisition, Cullen clearly was not. He was committed and believed strongly in the cause, she couldn't doubt that. She found herself smiling while listening to his short but passionate speech. And the way he apologized… she just couldn't resist taunting him a little.

"No but if you have one prepared I'd love to hear it"

"Another time perhaps" he said, laughing. Then, as he looked back to her, she offered him a mischievous grin. "I ah… there's still a lot of work ahead."

The commander suddenly seemed quite eager to change the subject. Could she embarrass him so easily? Maker, no don't be it, if it was the case she would have a hard time stopping herself.

"Commander! Ser Rylen has a report on our supply lines."

Save by the messenger! Cullen took the report. Doing so he looked at her tilting his head just a little, a smirk on the corner of his lips while stating: "As I was saying."

Alright, maybe he wouldn't be that simple a target to tease or embarrass… But no! She had to stop that trail of thoughts now... that was a bad idea in too many ways.

A few seconds passed as Cullen was quickly reading the headline of his officer's report before he talked to her again.

"I suppose you came for your belongings?"

He had his commander face back on but there was warmth in his eyes that lingered.

"Yes indeed."

"Alright. I have everything in my room back at the Chantry if you care to come with me?"

"I don't want to bother you while you're supervising the soldier's training, it can wait."

Oh non she really wanted to know what they had found, but she didn't want to seem too eager, nor being rude by keeping the commander away from his duties for what could be seen as futilities given the situation.

"No it's fine, I was going there anyway. I need to drop some of these reports to Josephine. We desperately need to improve some of our supply lines, food especially as more people come to Haven every day, and her contacts could help with that. Shall we go?"

She acknowledged and they walked back through the training yard side by side. Cullen seemed busy finishing the report and silence fell between. She glanced at him discreetly; he was concentrated on his reading, his brows a little furrowed and his expression serious. Alexis found herself appraising his features, the strong lines of his jaw, the dark amber of his eyes,the curve of his mouth and just how perfectly imperfect it was with the scar cutting his upper lip. There was no point denying he was handsome and that she found him attractive. But there was also no point in thinking about it any longer, they were going to work together, he had been a Templar and she a Circle mage and they were still in the midst of a Templar mage war. So it excluded pretty much anything from casual flirtation to one night stand from ever happening.

She looked down at her feet, focusing her mind on how her steps where leaving marks on the freshly fallen snow. The wind rose again and toyed with her hair and she ran a hand through them to keep them in check. She probably was a mess, and not only thanks to her disheveled hair. Her reflection in the mirror after waking up hadn't been very kind, and the day hadn't done anything to improve the dark circles under her eyes nor how pale her already fair skin was. But it wasn't important, as long as she could close the Breach, it mattered not how good she looks. And as she had convinced herself before, charming the Commander was not an option and so she simply dismissed the thoughts concerning her appearance.

They were slowly making their way to the Chantry, when Cullen broke the silence between them.

"You traveled some distance to reach Haven. You're from the circle in Ostwick?"

"Well I wasn't exactly in the circle when it was decided that I should go to the conclave… but yes still in the surroundings of Ostwick. It was quite a trip to get here."

"I can imagine. I remember you did say that you went on your way when the circle disbanded."

Disbanded…yes… to join the rebellion. But at what cost?

 _Soft and warm hands cupping her face,_

 _"_ _You must go, quickly! Here, the key to the phylactery room, take yours and run! The Templars won't be kept away in their meeting for long. And I have to go back to our own reunion."_

 _"_ _But you know this isn't going to end well!"_

 _"_ _Oh Lexi… you know my place ishere, I can't abandon them."_

 _"_ _But it won't end well! I know that and you know that too otherwise you wouldn't be sending me away."_

 _Gentle hand placing a long stand of hair behind her ear._

 _"_ _Yes it won't end well, and that's precisely why I am sending you away. We are among the few voices of reason inside this heated debate, and we are losing. And when we do, that means we'll be officially part of the rebellion. And that is precisely why you must go! You cannot be here. I know you too well, you won't back down so easily and they also know it. So go!"_

"My lady?"

Cullen's voice made her come back to reality and the memories of her last moments in the circle vanished. She even hadn't realized that she had stopped walking.

"Sorry I was… thinking."

She tried, best she could, to fake a smile, though she knew failing at making it feel convincing.

"Don't be. I'm the one who should be apologizing; it seems my question brought back some bad memories. The Circle isn't the most pleasant topic of conversation right now. Or ever…"

That last part was nearly said in a whisper and in that moment she knew. She was looking at him and she knew he also had ghost of his own that lingered somewhere within a circle walls, for his even so brief expression was the same she sometimes had when thinking back at what happened to her: Haunted.

"No it's not. But you really don't have to apologize to me Cullen."

She placed her hand on his arm, feeling the cold metal from his armor nibbling at her fingertips, and she dropped her false smile, no longer feeling like pretending. But she couldn't bring herself to meet his eyes again, afraid to find in them a mirror of her own pain.

She felt Cullen's hands covering her own; the leather of his gloves feeling warm and comforting as he lightly squeezed her fingers.

"Then let's just say that we'll avoid the subject in the future."

"Agreed."

He let go off her fingers and her hand dropped to her side as they continued to walk in silence towards the Chantry. They passed the small fire camp where she had talked with Varric and she remembered the message he had asked her to deliver.

"I almost forgot. I spoke to Varric earlier and he asked me to… remind Curly that he's still waiting for him to show up for a game of Wicked Grace."

"Maker's breath. That dwarf never gives up."

"I take it you don't like playing Wicked Grace? Or is it Varric's company? " she said playfully

"According to Varric I spend too much time with a serious expression on my face, and it's bad for my health."

"And I'm sure he holds your health very highly in his concerns." She said, keeping a slightly mocking tone

"Counting how many times he tried to talk me into playing Wicked Grace with him, I should imagine." He responded, laugh in his voice.

And just with that, the gloom of their exchange regarding the circle was lifted. They shared a smile and reached the Chantry where Cullen led her to a large room at the back. There were several beds and the commander went towards the one closest to the door where he opened a trunk standing next to it.

Alexis felt her pulse quickened. She hadn't imagined how much it meant to have some of her belongings back. It was all that she had left, all that remained from her life these past years. She wasn't one to give into sentimentality, yet she couldn't help but hope that especially one thing was among the scattered objects and pieces that had been salvaged from her impromptu walk in the fade.

She looked, nervous, as Cullen took what was hers from the trunk. There was a belt with a sheath holding a long knife, and a bag that he held out to her. Alexis reached for them and quickly started to look through the containing of the bag. Her gloves, a silver chain holding two pendants, some potions and balms, one, especially, she was glad had survived the journey. And…one leather armguard. She took it, and looked at the clasps… It was there. She smiled and slowly unfastened the strange metal piece that was lodged there. It was the hilt from a sword made in a metal casting blue reflections. A thin grip covered in delicate engravings and a short and slightly curved guard.

"This, in particular, had me wondering." She had almost forgotten the Commander's presence in the room. "A hilt without a blade, I was curious why you would carry such a thing with you."

Alexis was still holding the weapon, feeling its weight in her hand, the low pulse of magic emanating from it familiar.

"There's only a hilt because it's a spirit blade. The hilt serves both as a focus and as an enhancer so it's possible to weave mana into a blade."

Saying so, she secured the hilt back on the armguard and placed it, along with the belt, in the bag.

"I suspected it was magic related, even if I hadn't seen anything like it in the past. I never met any mages who used such weapons."

"It's not common. Most mages both expect and are trained to stay at the back should they found themselves in a fight. There's only a few who choose, and are capable to do otherwise. But if you'd like, I can show you?"

Cullen was tempted to take on her offer. His apprehension regarding magic didn't mean that he wasn't curious, a curiosity either genuine or practical. Magic unknown to him meant learning effective ways to fight it should anything go wrong. But it wasn't the case here, he was truly interested to discover what magic Trevelyan could wield in a fight and what that spirit blade could do. But duty always had to come first and he had to decline.

"Perhaps another day. There's still a lot to do before the day is done, and everything must be ready for your journey to the Hinterlands."

Alexis had to admit to some disappointment. Not that Cullen wasn't right about the preparation for their trip, but she had felt quite excited to have her weapon back. It seemed to her that the last time she had used it was ages ago, even if must had barely been a week since her last training exercises. She also had to admit to that little voice in the back of her head that was kinda eager to show the commander how good a fighter she could be.

"Of course. Well I suppose that's it?" she said while gesturing towards her bag.

"Yes, that's everything you had on you when you stepped out of that rift. There's something missing?"

"I'm not sure. I don't know what I was supposed to have with me as I still don't remember a thing about what happened." She was missing her other weapon, she supposed it had been destroyed in the explosion, but it was easily replaceable.

"If you need anything else I'm sure Harritt can provide you with sufficient gear for your trip. By the way, you should go see him to replace that staff you gathered on the battlefield."

Yeurk, that staff was indeed in dire need to be exchanged for something else.

"You're right; I definitely need to change it. But, you don't know if Harritt has any good spears?"

Her question had the commander opening wide astonished eyes.

"A spear?"

"Yes you know, it's a bit like a staff but thinner and with a sharp blade at the top?" she mocked

"I know what a spear is, I'm just… well, hum" he took a second unsure of what to say but continued on a very cautious tone. "I had no idea you used that kind of weapon."

"Well, it shares some similarities with a staff so I already had some basics on how to use it. But it's also lighter sharper and can be used in more both offensive and defensive ways than a staff. Combat magic is one thing, the spirit blade is quite a weapon but it's still magic. A good warrior may have a weapon of choice, but should he found himself without it, he must be able to fight with anything within his grasp. I didn't want to rely only on my magic."

"You surprise me, Lady Trevelyan."

"And is that a good or a bad thing?"

She was the one using a cautious tone now. Her abilities in combat and her dedication to become a good fighter even without relying on her magic had earned her nothing else but problems with some Templars.

"As I already said, given the situation it's a good thing that your training exceeds what the circle usually teaches."

"And what if the situation was different?"

She shouldn't have asked, shouldn't have pushed, but the words had slipped past her before she could think about it. Cullen was a bit taken aback. Looking away for a moment he sighed, his hand rubbing at the back of his neck.

"I can imagine, given the war, that you don't feel at ease around me, knowing that I was a Templar." His hand dropped back to his side and he held her gaze, his voice soft as he spoke. "I left the Order because I no longer believed in their actions. And some Templars may have treated you with distrust, see you as a threat because you were able to fight without using magic, but you won't get that from me."

"Thanks, I appreciate it." She gave him a nod, feeling even more foolish about her last question. "I should leave you to your work. I'm sure you have more than enough for the rest of the day and I should go see what Josephine wanted to talk about."

"If you're going to see the Ambassador can you give her this for me?" He handed her the reports he had carried with him from the training yard.

"Sure" she said as she took the small wooden board. "Well, thanks again, for what you just said and… for my stuff. Goodbye Commander."

"Goodbye Lady Trevelyan."

She offered him one last smile, still feeling stupid for her question, and turned away. Perhaps, after all, it would be easier to work with him then she had first imagined, perhaps, given time, she could learn to trust him.


	4. Chapter 4

Her parents? That was the subject of the discussion Josephine wanted to have? Alright, maybe a discussion about how showing a little devotion would benefit the Inquisition's image was better after all.

"What do you wish to know?"

"I'd like to dispatch a courier asking the banns of house Trevelyan to align with us. What are your thoughts? Should we approach your family for their formal support of the Inquisition?"

Alexis ran a hand through her hair, encountering more than a few knots in the process. She hadn't given much thought to her family in the last days. Sure, reach them for formal support, from the ambassador's point of view, was a good idea, but for Alexis nothing regarding her family was certain.

"I can write a letter to my father if you'd like? If it comes from me, I know he will listen. But I don't guarantee any results."

"That would be perfect. Val Royaux has noted your lineage I gives the inquisition some legitimacy. Although not so much as we'd hoped. "

"Why not?"

"You are from Ostwick. Orlesian nobles consider the free marches somewhat… Quaint."

"I'm pretty certain anything who is not Orlesian or who doesn't play "The game" seem… Quaint to them."

"You may be right." Said Josephine with a mischievous smile

"Was there something else you wished to discuss?"

"No. It's getting rather late and you should get some rest before you depart in the morning for the Hinterlands. I wouldn't want to keep you away from a good night sleep."

"Wouldn't want to miss that!" Sleep was clearly on her top priorities for the rest of the day, especially given the long ride through the mountains waiting the next morning "Oh before I forget."

"Yes my lady?"

"Just in case… If anyone asks or wishes that I do… something like… praying or sing the chant of light in public, worst idea in the world. I'll make a mess of it."

"Duly noted."The two women exchanged a smile and Alexis left Josephine's office after wishing her a good night.

* * *

Before going back to her cottage she had passed by the kitchens to grab something to eat. But the food was left untouched on a nearby table as she sat by the fire, her gaze as much as her thoughts lost in the flames.

Her father would read her letter, but would he officially lend the support of his house to the inquisition? Could he? Had words of her survival already reached them? And if so… what side of the story would her family believe, the one from the Chantry, that she was the murderer of the Divine, or that she was the Herald of Andraste and the only living hope to seal the Breach?

It was a nightmare just to think about it. She knew her father would believe her, but she also knew too well how her relation with her mother and siblings was more than antagonistic. She was a mage, the black sheep of the family, the thing that would sour any discussion regarding the great house Trevelyan.

And what if… what if they believed that she was the Herald of Andraste? So many people seemed to believe that already, what if they too believed she was somehow sent back from the fade by Andraste herself? Would her mother than see her differently see her again like…

Maker's balls… What was she thinking? She couldn't believe in that Andraste's Herald thing and she was convinced there was a perfect yet unknown explanation that wouldn't involve some long dead prophet. She couldn't let herself have any hope regarding her mother. Nothing could change what happened since her magic abilities had appeared. Their mother-daughter bond had shattered a long time ago, and she already had spent too many years hoping it would come back then mourning the death of that hope.

She would write to her father, she would tell him the truth about what happened to her and she would ask for the support of her family. And if some of her relatives suddenly changed their mind about her because they believed that she was the Herald of Andraste it would matter not, because it would only be out of blind faith and not out of concern or love for her… for who she truly was.

She fought back tears and wiped away the ones that had already gathered in her eyes. She could do something good here, something right. She could earn a place in the world, a place where she would be free. Wasn't it what she had wanted for years? Why she had trained so hard? Maybe, after all, the Inquisition was her chance at finding her place in the world.


	5. Chapter 5

The sun was shining bright this morning and the sky was clear from clouds. It was a peaceful sight, if you could exclude the blazing green from the Breach, tearing the sky open. Still, the warmth from the sun felt good to Cullen as he stepped outside the Chantry. His sleep had been filled with nightmares, again, but the promise of a sunny day helped him pushed the lingering pains from the night away.

He had a lot of work ahead, reports to read, some others to write, guard rotations to review. But locking himself in the war room wasn't appealing at all. Finding the way to stay outside a little longer Cullen took the direction of the stables. Cassandra and the Herald would be leaving soon and he wanted to make sure that the horses were ready.

But the scene he discovered when he arrived had him puzzled to say the least. Varric was near a pony, a more fitting mount form him than a regular horse. Solas, the apostate elf, was standing not far from there, his arms crossed on his chest, considering the dwarf with an amused smile, and the Herald… well she was leaning against her own horse while her shoulders shook from what seemed to be a barely contained laughter.

Yes there was something off. And looking more closely at Varric and his mount Cullen realized that the dwarf had placed Cassandra's gear on the pony's saddle.

"Laugh all you want Trevelyan! You helped me with that one, you are as guilty as I am."

The Herald managed to stop her giggling and looked at Varric.

"Maker's breath, Varric, you sure your little revenge thing doesn't go too far?"

"And miss the chance to see Cassandra riding a pony instead of me?"

"The chances that your plan succeeds are quite slim, master dwarf." Solas said, still smirking.

"I know Chuckles, but I'm sure that just the look on her face will be worth it!"

Alexis started giggling again, already picturing the fuss that Varric's idea would cause once Cassandra would be there.

Cullen couldn't help the smile that crept on his lips while watching the three of them having a bit of fun at Cassandra's expense. He had nothing but respect for Cassandra, she had seen things in him that he thought were lost. She had given him a chance to do something good with his life in being part of the inquisition, a chance to atone. But even the very serious Commander would sometimes find Varric's attempts at bugging her somewhat funny.

He cleared his throat, his expression back to neutral, gathering the attention of the happy trio.

"Good morning. And Varric, I'm fairly certain that making Cassandra angry right before you depart on a mission where you will be in her company for days isn't the wisest course of action."

Never letting himself being caught off guard, Varric responded on his usual sly tone.

"Don't worry about me Curly. I can manage an angry Seeker for longer than a few days. I've been stranded with the both of you all the way from Kirkwall, remember?"

"How could I forget? Well I was just checking in and it seems like everything is in order. For the most part." Cullen said, while quirking a brow at the dwarf.

"Yes everything is ready. We're just waiting for Cassandra. She said she had to pick up more provisions and we'd be good to go."

The Herald said and Cullen averted his eyes from the dwarf to look at her. He hadn't really pay attention to her since he had arrived, but now that he did she seemed different to him. The woman he had met yesterday was tense and confrontational, seizing everything up, barely letting her guard down for few minutes or seconds at a time. But today she felt more relaxed, her face lit by a small but genuine smile. She had tied her long hair in a neat bun and the look of exhaustion on her face had almost vanished. Since first meeting her, Cullen hadn't denied that she could be pleasing to the eye, but now he realized that there was more to her than just nice features. His gaze wandered a bit, appraising the lines of her neck, her face, tracing the curve of her lips to finally meet her eyes. They were a clear shade of blue with hints of green.

Realizing he had been staring at her, even so briefly, he stammered a quick response.

"Well… hum…Cassandra wasn't joking when she said she wanted to leave early in the morning. In any case, it's nice to see you in a better shape than yesterday, Herald."

"That wasn't big a challenge! But yes, I do feel better. I guess that all I really needed was some real sleep."

Real sleep, since how long hadn't Cullen had a night that he could qualify as some real sleep? He couldn't recall. But it was good that the Herald had, they needed her to be in form and that her spirit had lifted as well was no short good news. She was their only hope and should her resolve crumble, the situation would get worse. Cullen had doubts about her, but some of his fears were alleviated at seeing her laughing and joking. Nobody could went through everything that she had in such a short amount of time and be left even a bit unscathed, but she was strong enough to face the day without dwelling on the past. And they all desperately needed her to be strong.

"I'm glad to hear it. And as everything looks, almost, in order here" He said while giving Varric a disapproval glance. "I should go back to my duties. Have a safe journey, we'll keep Haven up and running while you're away."

"Thanks Commander. We'll try to come back with good news."

"And they would be most welcome."

He gave them a nod then turned away, admonishing himself for his distraction regarding the Herald and quickly pushing her away from his thoughts. He wasn't far when he saw Cassandra coming towards him with bags propped on her shoulders. He wished her a safe travel, they exchanged quick goodbyes and then both where on their way. It didn't take long to hear laughter coming from behind him, most certainly from Varric and Trevelyan, then Cassandra uttering threats and even cursing at the dwarf. Guess that Varric's plan was a little successful after all.

* * *

Cullen entered the war room, ready to get some work done. But he wasn't the first to get there; Leliana was already sitting at the large wooden table, going through a rather impressive pile of papers.

"Good morning Commander."

"Leliana" He gave her a nod and sat at the table, ready to dive into his work.

Long minutes passed in a silence barely troubled by the soft rustle of shuffled papers. Cullen had finished establishing the planning for the next days of training when someone knocked.

"Come in." Said Leliana. And the door opened to one of her agent's carrying a sealed message he handed over to her.

"Lady Nightingale, this just arrived from Ostwick. You said you wanted it delivered without delay."

"Yes. Thank you. You can go; I'll call for you if I need to send a response."

Dismissed, the agent left, closing the door behind him.

"A message from Ostwick? You're gathering information on the Herald." Cullen said, giving Leliana a quizzical look.

"Of course I am. I have been doing so since we discovered her identity."

"Even now that we all came to the conclusion that she's not the one responsible for what happened at the conclave?"

"Especially now Cullen. She is the only one capable of closing the Breach and we have to make sure that she succeeds, no matter what happens. And that means knowing her, her strengths, her weaknesses, her past, everything that we or our enemies could use against her."

"You make it sound like she's a tool we can use and manipulate." Cullen said.

He knew how Leliana's work was primordial for the inquisition, but sometimes, the cold and harsh resolve the spymaster was capable of would send shivers down his spine. She had changed so much from the compassionate woman he had met at Kinloch Hold. But she probably could say the same thing about him after all. And he wasn't eager to know her thoughts on that matter. She had seen him at his worse. That was probably why the events that had led to their brief encounter ten years ago in Ferelden's circle tower was a subject left unspoken between them. For the best. Like he had said to Trevelyan yesterday, the circle wasn't the most pleasant topic of conversation.

"If, and I say, If, things turns a bad way, we need to be ready to use any means necessary. But… I believe we won't need to take such extremes measures as manipulating the Herald, or coerced her. From what I have gathered and from my conversations with her, she seems reliable and strongly wants to help."

"I take it that you already have gathered quite the amount of information on her."

"Sufficient, but not yet enough." She looked up from the message to Cullen, smirking. "Why Commander? Do you want to know more about who Alexis Trevelyan really is? You're welcome if you like." She said, gesturing towards a stack of paper near her.

"I'm not sure it's a good idea for me to pry in her past and private life." He said, frowning.

"I had imagined that her being a mage would make you wary of her."

Of course he was concerned. With the veil tore open and demons pouring out of rifts, the risks of possession for a mage were high. But they had no other choice than to rely on the Herald, and she hadn't struck him as the type easily fooled by demons. Cullen knew better than to put every mage in the same basket, he had gone down that path once, and had gain nothing but haunting remorse in return. And as tempting as it was to read what Leliana had gathered on the Herald, it felt wrong for him to do so.

"And she wary of me for being a Templar. You know it goes both ways Leliana. And I already sense that she's being cautious around me for that very reason."

"Don't worry Commander, I'm sure it'll pass once she gets to know you better. She doesn't seem the type who hides away in fear of Templars, rather the opposite."

"What do you mean by that?"

Leliana had a victory smile on her lips. She had tricked him in asking something about the Herald so easily that Cullen felt used.

"From what I have gathered she wasn't afraid to stand up to the Templars in her Circle if something wasn't right. It earned her a few punishments I believe, but I haven't found anything precise about that yet, and even so it apparently never changed the way she reacted towards them."

"She wasn't afraid of being confrontational with me, so I easily imagine it to be true." Cullen said, turning his attention back to the reports he had to finish.

"And she had the means to be that way. Born from a noble family close to the Chantry and a powerful mage along with fighting skills, she had weapons and protection. A combination that certainly hadn't all Templars happy about it."

Cullen recalled the conversation from the day before. She was indeed evaluating his thoughts about that very matter, she must have had enemies, or unhappy Templars at least, that much was certain. She was nobility and from a house with influence in the Chantry, it clearly offered her a protection. Should something unjustified happen to her the blame would have quickly fallen down on the Templars.

"A safe guess." He said, trying, and failing, to focus on the reports at hand. This discussion about the Herald was raising too many questions in his mind.

"It's strange" Leliana said, and Cullen looked up again from his work to the spymaster. She had her gaze somewhat lost, as if searching old memories.

"What is?"

"Alexis… There's something about her that feels… different. She's young, just in her mid-twenties, but there's such a determination about her, something that draws the attention. It kinda reminds me of Elissa."

"Elissa Cousland? The Hero of Ferelden?"

"Yes. I already knew Elissa quite well long before she became Queen and The Hero. She had that special thing that would make anyone turn to her for guidance despite her young age." Remembering her dear friend brought a smile on Leliana's lips, a real smile, not that little teasing smirk she often used. It made her look younger, happy even, for a second. "Or maybe I'm just seeing too much into this." And with that dismissal the smile was gone and she buried herself back into her work.

"Or maybe you're right. She does feel…special."

It was said barely aloud, but Leliana had heard him, he knew that much even if she remained silent. For a few minutes Cullen tried to concentrate on his report but his thoughts would always bring him back to the day before and his moments in Lady Trevelyan's company. She had looked so fragile, her skin pale from exhaustion, her long hair messy and entangled, but every time he had met her eyes he had found himself strangely affected by the storm in her gaze. For her eyes had seemed to be telling so much more than her careful demeanor would suggest, and at the same time hiding so many things and so much pain. A pain from which he had seen but a glimpse when had had brought the circle in the conversation. She had seen things and she had suffered. But somehow she had found the courage to carry on. Her joyful attitude this morning was proof of that. Leliana was right, there was definitely something different about her.


	6. Chapter 6

"Could you teach me? To discover the fade in dreams like you do?"

"I'm surprised a circle mage like you would want to learn such a thing."

"Why? Because in the circle they teach us that the fade is dangerous and full of demons ready to jump at you at any sign of weakness to possess your body?" Alexis said grinning.

"Undoubtedly an accurate description of what you were told. But I am more curious of the fact that you're ready to dismiss what you were thought so easily?"

She shrugged her shoulders.

"I'm not dismissing everything. I know the fade can be a dangerous place but, I just always thought that there was more to it than what they teach us in the circle. All they always say is "danger" and "demons". But the world we live in isn't only one thing, so why would the fade be that way?"

"You have more of an open mind than most humans I have encountered."

"Well I like to have an open mind. It keeps things interesting." She said, looking at Solas sitting next to her. They had been training outside Haven for the last hour and were taking a much needed break. Alexis had naturally prompted the conversation. Solas's stories about his journeys in the fade fascinated her.

They already had shared many conversations on that topic during their trip in the Hinterlands but Solas was such a wealth of knowledge on spirits and the fade that Alexis was never tired of hearing more about it.

"It must also have earned you problems. The Chantry isn't something to be taken lightly when surrounded by Templars."

"You're right, and after a few clashes I learned to keep my mouth shut and my beliefs, or lack of it, to myself."

"I take it you don't believe in what the Chantry says?"

"Honestly? I don't know. Is there truth somewhere in the chant of light? Yes. But what the Chantry teaches us, I'm not sure what to make of it. And what I have witnessed is that if you believe too much in what the Chantry says, then one day you wake up and see the world painted only in black and white, you believe that all you need to understand life is sing in the chant of light. And you could find yourself in front of just any hard evidence that there is more to this world than what the Chantry teaches, and you would dismiss it in a heartbeat."

"That much could be said about many doctrines."

"You may be right Solas." She said, smiling to the elf. Solas had proven himself a much more pleasant companion than Alexis had first imagined. The seriousness he had about him only a mask that could reveal well contained passion whenever he was talking about the fade, or discreet laughter when sharing stories around the camp fire at night. She had liked having him around during their trip in the Hinterlands. It felt good to be around another mage, especially one who wasn't all about the rebellion and the war. She was feeling comfortable around him and had asked for his help in her training, she needed practice to improve her use of her spirit blade, especially in a defensive manner, and Solas had immediately accepted.

"If you feel rested enough maybe we can go back to your training?"

"Yes! Let's do this!"

She stood up and jumped off the rock, where they had taken their break, and onto the snow. Solas followed her and they positioned themselves a few feet away from each other. Alexis reached for the hilt lodged in her armguard and unclasped it with a swift move. Gathering her power she focused on the metal piece in her hand, and from the hilt that had forever been left without a metal edge her mana weaved itself into a long blade.

With a nod she told Solas she was ready and the elf summoned his powers, throwing electrical projectiles at her. Using her blade to protect her she blocked them one after the other, but every time a magical discharged was averted by her blade she felt it slightly lose power. This exercise was meant to strengthen her focus and to harden her use of the spirit blade. She had to train that way until the day she would be able to summon it in a lasting battle and never flinch nor have to concentrate to strengthen the blade in the midst of combat.

For long minutes Solas kept throwing magic discharged at her, forcing her to use both her fighting and magical skills to block the projectiles and keep her blade active. She had averted most of them but had earned a few magical blows on the way.

"There she is!"

Distracted by the sound of Cassandra's voice coming from behind her and the footsteps approaching, Alexis lost her focus. Her blade faltered and the next wave of Solas's projectile hit her with its full force and she fell unceremoniously onto the snow.

She grunted, not happy about herself. But as she was still sprawled onto the snow Cullen and Cassandra came into sight.

"Herald! Are you alright?"

She blinked a few times, both their silhouettes dark spots against the light, but managed to have a decent view of both Cassandra's and Cullen's concerned look.

"Yeah, I'm good." She said, answering to Cullen's question. "You know, you both look reaaaally serious from down here. Is something wrong?"

"We just saw you fell after being hit by a spell, how would you have us react?" Said Cassandra on a very serious tone.

"You don't need to worry Cassandra, I was just helping Alexis on her focus, which she still needs to improve, obviously." Solas said while looking down at her. "I wasn't using lethal magic."

"I shall hope so." Said the seeker.

"Well… not that I mind the three of you having a little chat around me, but I'm not against a little help here." Alexis said and Cullen went near her, extending his hand.

"Thanks Commander."

She took his hand and she pushed herself on her feet as Cullen pulled her up with a little too much force. Unable to keep her balance, Alexis slammed into his chest as Cullen, acting on reflex, encircled her waist, drawing her closer to him. The initial surprise from the collision gone she realized that she was in his arms, and even though their current position was by accident it made her pulse slightly quicken. Their faces were barely inches apart and she could feel his breath hot against her skin, smell the hints of polish on his armor. It wasn't an unpleasant sensation.

Keeping a straight face as best she could, she looked up to him but when their eyes met her heart skipped a beat. There was such a tension about him as if he was struggling not to lose control. Was he affected by her, by their sudden closeness, as she was by him? Or was it something else. Was it because she was a mage and it was hard for him to stand a mage being so close to him? Or maybe she was over thinking the whole thing. She looked away and became suddenly very aware of both Cassandra and Solas's eyes on her back.

"Sorry" he said, while letting her go and taking a careful step back, looking slightly embarrassed.

"It's alright." She said, placing a respectful distance between them, feeling suddenly uneasy being too close to him. Wishing to avoid any awkward silence from happening she quickly said something else. "I guess you haven't come here just to witness my pathetic fall in the snow… So, what's going on?"

"We have received news from Val Royeaux. We have an opportunity to address the Clerics, if you're ready to pursue this plan. But we must move quickly."

It was time to take actions, about that Alexis wasn't feeling unsure, quite the opposite. It was time to make some serious steps towards closing the Breach and weaken the Chantry's voices opposing her was their best move to gather attention and secure allies.

"Alright. I'm ready! We can depart whenever you see fit." Said Alexis without hesitation.

"You're sure about this Herald?"

She glanced quickly at Cullen, he had his usual serious commander face on, but he also looked concerned, for her, or just for her safety because they needed her to close the Breach?

"Yes Commander. Mother Giselle is right, it's our best option regarding the Chantry."

"Perhaps, but you need to be careful." He said

"I'll be fine, and I won't be alone. Solas Varric and Cassandra will be with me."

"Don't worry Commander, we can manage a few angry clerics." The seeker confirmed.

"Shall anything happen we will keep Alexis safe" Solas added.

"Fine." He sighed, clearly not too happy about the plan and the risks it entailed. "Then we should make the preparations for your depart to Val Royeaux."

With the planning of their trip ahead, they all took the directions of Haven, Cassandra and Solas walking at the front. Pushing away the awkward moment that had happen with the Commander, Alexis started thinking about the next days, being on the road, discovering a new country. Despite how bad their situation was, Alexis couldn't help but feel a little excited about their journey.

"I've never been to Orlais before. I wonder what it looks like. I must be so different from what I have seen before."

Her chances to ever see Val Royeaux had been slim while in the Circle, her chances to see pretty much anything else but the circle had been slim. But she would have escaped one day… If there had been no mage rebellion, she had been ready to do so.

"We're not going there to do sightseeing Trevelyan."

"I know Cassandra!" She made a face at Cassandra's back and added on a tone so low that only Cullen heard it "Mood killer…"

A smile came to Cullen's lips. Alexis excitement at discovering new places was so genuine. She had been locked up in a circle most of her life, then on the run since the rebellion at Ostwick. Despite the threats, what she was experiencing now was the first glimpse of freedom she ever had since she was a child. Somehow Cullen could relate to that and, feeling compelled to help her, he lowered his head towards her, whispering:

"I remember her telling me that the smith that has his shop on the summer bazaar was one of the best in all Orlais. If you bring her there, looking for a new sword, she just might let you have a few hours to visit the city."

She was biting at her lower lips, hiding her smile but the sparkles in her eyes betrayed her enthusiasm. Coming closer to Cullen she whispered to his ear.

"Commander… are you giving me tips on how to trick Cassandra?"

"If she questions you, it's not coming from me." He said, giving her a wink then walking a bit faster to catch up with the Seeker and the elf. Halfway before reaching them he turned and added.

"By the way, nice swordplay you had there. Though you might need to work on more effective ways to fall."

Was he sassing her? It surely looked like it. And his advice regarding Cassandra? Maybe after all he wasn't so tense earlier because she was a mage? Alexis squinted, looking at him, she wasn't going to let the Commander mock her and do nothing in return. There would be retaliation!


	7. Chapter 7

Sparring with The Iron Bull wasn't a cakewalk. Fighting with the big one-eyed Qunari proved to be quite the challenge, but it was instructive to say the least. Right now they were circling one another and Alexis was waiting for just the right moment to make the move she knew would win her that round. Then, finally, Iron Bull leaped to get to her and Alexis ran towards him. At the last moment she summoned her powers and created a large trail of ice that quickly sprawled from underneath her feet to her enemy. Before Bull could get to her she fell to her knees and used the ice, along with her speed, to slide and slip right between his legs. Then, turning around, she made a swift move with her legs, hitting him to his knees and sweeping him off his feet. Bull landed on his front as Alexis quickly stood up and, putting a foot on his back, grabbed the qunari's arms and twisted it, making it impossible for him to move without dislocating his shoulder.

"Damn it! I thought you said no magic!" Bull grunted

"Never said I wasn't going to fight dirty! Besides the magic wasn't aimed at you."

She said, grinning then releasing his arm she helped him stand up.

"Smart ass. But it's a nice trick you had there. I'll keep it in mind for next time."

"Well give me a few days. You know… give some time for the bruises to disappear. You did win most of those rounds and you didn't hold back the punches."

Alexis was out of breath, and she knew she was going to be sore in the morning, but the challenge had been worth it. Bull was one hell of a fighter and she was glad to have recruited him and his Chargers for the Inquisition.

Since the journey to Val Royeaux they had gathered new allies. There was Sera, the not elfy elf, The Iron Bull and his mercenary company, and Vivienne, first enchanter of the Montsimmard Circle, though politician was more the fitting word for Madame de Fer. All fine assets for the newly born inquisition, although she had to admit that Sera was a bit of a puzzle. And Alexis felt that she and Vivienne would probably disagree on many subjects regarding mages and the Circles.

At least, Bull and his chargers, she knew where to stand with them. They were mercenaries and loyal ones. She had no problem with that. Rather the opposite, it was bringing good memories of her time after she fled the Circle.

"Humans, you're just a bunch of softies!" Bull sneered, once he was back on his feet.

"And you're a giant horny ass!" Alexis retorted, giving Bull a smirk.

"Hahahaha! You know? You're not half bad for a mage! I might just like you."

"I'm not sure if I should be pleased or not!"

They shared a laugh and parted ways, Bull saying that if she wasn't ready to spar with him the next day he might have to challenge her in a match that would include alcoholic drinks. After that he went back to the tents set for him and his Chargers and Alexis made her way to her small cabin in Haven. Her sparring match with Bull had left her sweaty and she wanted nothing more than change into fresh clothes.

She had her hand on the door knob when she heard footsteps followed by a voice calling for her.

"Herald? Do you have a moment?"

She needn't to turn around to know who it was, for she had recognized his voice, but she did so nonetheless, greeting the Commander with a smile.

"You know, I've already told you that you could call me Alexis. I won't bite because you stop calling me Herald, quite the opposite actually."

"I'll… try to keep that in mind. Hum, anyway, do you have a moment? I'd like to talk with you."

"Sure. Come in." She said, pulling the handle and going inside the cottage, leaving no choice for Cullen than to follow her. "What can I do for you?"

Cullen stepped inside and closed the door behind him while Alexis, in the meantime, had reached for a basin on a nearby table, pouring water into it.

"I wanted to talk to you regarding what we have learned since you've returned from Val Royeaux."

"You mean the fact that we may have an opportunity to talk to the Templars and the rebel mages? And that if we ask one of them for their help it will alienate the other, most certainly."

"Yes."

Taking water from the basin in her hands, she splashed it onto her face, rubbing sweat off of her.

"Commander, I know you must be worried for the Templars, they were your brothers in arms. I've read some of Leliana's reports, and along with Cassandra's testimony that the Lord Seeker is acting strangely I am aware that there's something going on and that you must feel concerned and compelled to reach out to them."

"I wasn't going to suggest that you should reach out to the Templars to ease my mind."

"I know." She said, giving him a smile.

Cullen wasn't sure how he could talk about his concerns regarding the situation. Saying bluntly that seeking the help of the mages was, to him, a bad idea, would most certainly antagonize her and it was the last thing he had in mind.

"Anyway" she added "I gather that you Josephine Leliana and Cassandra haven't agreed on a plan yet?"

"No, our opinions are divided on that matter."

"So I guess that it will fall on me to take the decision after all." She sighed.

"You're the Herald. Both parties want to speak to you, not me nor Cassandra or Leliana, you. It seems only fair that your opinion on the matter be decisive."

Her hands resting on the table, her gaze seemed lost for a moment, the water in the basin casting faint reflections on her face.

"You're not putting me in an easy position, you know that."

She turned her back on him and removed the loose shirt she was wearing before tossing it onto her bed, leaving behind only a sleeveless tunic. But as she was removing her shirt, the fabric of the tunic scooped up a little, revealing the skin of her lower back. Cullen was watching her, and he was ready to look elsewhere as she was undressing, but something caught his eye. White lines marking her skin, three, maybe four, starting from some place around her waist and disappearing underneath her tunic. Cullen didn't have time to look closely, because quickly Alexis tugged down the fabric, covering her back, but he needn't more to know what it was. Scars.

Questions and wild guesses rushed through his mind. Where had she gotten them, was there more scars further up her back? More scars elsewhere on her body? And inevitably, the one question that couldn't be help even if it made him sick: Had Templars done this to her?

As Alexis was turning to face him, Cullen did his best to look normal. She probably hadn't wanted him to see that and he didn't want her to feel uncomfortable, especially if he had just seen something he shouldn't have. Keeping his tone neutral he tried to ease her discomfort regarding the decisions they would soon need her to take.

"You haven't been in an easy position since the conclave. But you've managed things rather well, and we are grateful for everything that you have done so far."

"I wasn't asking for compliments. But I'll take them nonetheless!" She said, crossing her arms under her chest, a smile tugging at a corner of her lips. "So, I imagine you want to know where I stand on this matter and you have a pretty speech prepared if I say that I am leaning towards asking the rebel mages rather than the Templars."

It was a bit of a provocation on her part, but at least it would quickly bring the conversation to the point. She hated dancing around issues like politicians, and even if Cullen was trying to be the diplomat with her she had to know his thoughts on the matter.

"No I don't have any speech. I just…" Cullen sighed, his hand rubbing at the back of his neck. "You're a mage and, it would only be natural that you would want to help them."

"Are you saying that my judgment is clouded because I'm a mage?" She was frowning a little, not yet sure how to react and not sure either of the Commander's intentions.

"No, not at all. I just wanted to know what you were thinking about this and…that we must carefully consider all the options." He sighed again looking away. "Maker I'm not good at this."

"No, you're not." She said, her voice soft. It wasn't easy every day for them to be working together. But he had been honest with her from the start and had treated her with nothing but respect. She couldn't do less towards him.

"Look, I'd be lying if I said that I don't feel more comfortable asking mages for help than the Templars. But this isn't just about me, it's about closing the Breach and I will consider all the options and I will listen to what all of you have to say about it."

Cullen rubbed at the back of his neck, looking back at her but avoiding her eyes still.

"You're right and I'm glad to hear you say that. You must take me for a fool for bringing all this up."

She sighed, and, running a hand through her hair she removed the lace holding them in a bun made messy by her match against The Iron Bull.

"Cullen, I don't take you for a fool."

She searched for his eyes, and, finally meeting his dark amber gaze, she talked about her plan, hoping it would ease his concerns.

"So… about the situation. I'll tell you what I have in mind for now. Leliana is still gathering information's and Josephine has sent requests to noble houses in Orlais to ally with us, hoping it will force the Lord Seeker to meet with us. These political moves take time, rather than just stay here and do nothing, I will meet with Fiona at Redcliffe. It's our best move if we want to gather information about the rebel mages and besides, I already said to Leliana that I would go back to the Hinterlands to seek out this warden, Blackwall, she told me about. Redcliffe is on the way, and… we have to consider all our options carefully. No?"

"Alright, you've outplayed me here Herald. Your idea seems… the best course of action." He said sighing yet smiling a little.

They were in a bad situation, a former Templar and a mage and she, having to choose between asking rebel mages or the Order for help. Everything was giving her signals that somewhere, along the road, something would go wrong. There had to be something they could do to prevent this situation to become a more antagonizing one?

"Cullen, I realize that we'll probably never be the best friends in the world. I mean, you clearly aren't a fan of what magic can do and I'm sure that you have your reasons, and well I'm a mage! But maybe we can… perhaps, try to know each other better? Maybe it will make things easier."

He was surprised by her suggestion, they barely had spent time together and aside from a few briefs exchanges they never discussed anything that wasn't inquisition related. But it was the way he had wanted things to go. Cullen felt affected by her, drawn to her somehow. That moment where she had fallen accidentally into his arms had sent a burst of desire coursing through his veins and he could still remember it vividly. For that very reason he had never sought her company, dealing with a distant platonic attraction was easier. But they needed to be efficient as colleagues and not second guess each other all the time and it meant knowing her better.

"I guess it's not a bad idea. Perhaps you could join me at dinner, tonight if it's okay?" he asked

"I'd like that." She said, smiling back at him. "Then at least there's something else, I really need to clean up and change clothes!"

"Yes, right, I'll leave you to it."

"See you tonight Commander."

"See you tonight Herald." She squinted at the word Herald and gave him a false accusatory look "… Trevelyan."

"See, that wasn't so hard!"


	8. Chapter 8

He closed the door of his room, his head coming to rest against the wooden frame. The symptoms had started shortly after he had left Alexis, first with a sudden and violent headache, then the pain in his legs. It was bearable for the moment. But his thoughts weren't helping at all.

He couldn't believe he had just asked the Herald to join him at the dinner tonight. It had been an impulse and the words were out before he could think twice about it. Maker's breath, why was he attracted to her? Why had he agreed that getting to know each other better was a good idea? She was a beautiful and confident woman, and he clearly wasn't good when dealing with such a combination. He would make a mess. He was a mess…

Cullen's hands were shaking and his heart was banging hard in his chest. The crisis was getting worse. They were the worst side effects of his withdrawal. He could spend days, weeks without having to suffer one. They were coming and going without a warning but every time they would strike him down, leaving him powerless with only the need of Lyrium burning down his throat.

Cullen took his head in his hands, grunting from the jolts of pain that were slowly taking over his body, setting his nerves on fire. He had to calm down. He could endure it, he had to! He could feel the taste of Lyrium in his mouth, he could almost hear the damn thing calling him. He rushed for the pitch of water on his nightstand, drinking long gulps. But the taste remained.

He fumbled with the clasps of his armor, his fingers numbs, his hands trembling, but finally got rid of the damn thing that fell on the ground with a loud noise. Barely having the strength left to kick his boots, Cullen collapsed on his bed, eyes shut and his whole body shaking. He felt exhausted. Most days it was just a feeling at the back of his conscious, most days he could fight back, his will sufficient to keep the pain at bay. But in moments like this one, fighting his addiction was draining all the strength his short nights allowed him to gain. Trying to focus his mind away from the pain, he started praying.

"Maker, my enemies are abundant.  
Many are those who rise up against me.  
But my faith sustains me; I shall not fear the legion,  
Should they set themselves against me.

Maker, though the darkness comes upon me,  
I shall embrace the light. I shall weather the storm.  
I shall endure.  
What you have created, no one can tear asunder."

He repeated those words from the Canticle of Trials, again, and again. Fighting his addiction to Lyrium, this was his trial, and he would endure it.

At some point, he fell asleep. But though he may have escaped the pain from his body, in his dreams were always lurking the sufferings of his mind. And the nightmare didn't take long to find him.

 _Darkness surrounds him and he can barely see. Then, a whimper, faint, distant, he tries to follow the sound of painful sobs._

 _A woman, lying on the ground, naked, blood dripping from wounds. He approaches, coming from behind her. Her back is streaked with too many gashes too count, she has bruises on her legs and arms. Her long brown hair covers her face._

 _He kneels next to her, then, gently, he pushes her hairs back. Dread fills him as he uncovers her face._

 _"_ _Alexis."_

 _He calls her but she doesn't seem to hear him. He cradles her head on his lap. What can he do to help her? There's nothing and no one here?_

 _"_ _Alexis, it's me, Cullen, please talk to me."_

 _But she doesn't. Her eyes are distant, like she isn't really there, no more storms ragging or laughter sparkling._

 _"_ _Who did this to you? Who hurt you?"_

 _"_ _She's gone, you can't bring her back."_

 _That voice, that demon's voice, the one he wishes he could forget. The demon is dead but its voice… it's here, in his dreams, haunting him still after all those years._

 _"_ _You did this, demon! It was you!"_

 _The demon is here, around him somewhere, Cullen can hear its laugh echoing and he feels the rage boiling inside of him._

 _"_ _Hahahaha. Oh poor Cullen. You wish it was me, but I'm afraid you are wrong."_

 _"_ _What do you mean?!"_

 _"_ _It was you! You're the one who broke her."_

 _"_ _You're lying! This is another one of your tricks!"_

 _"_ _Don't you remember? Oh it was sad, really. You wanted her, desired her! So beautiful and sweet she was. She nearly made you forget that she was a mage, an abomination! You were falling for her. But then you realized. You remembered. You believed she had tricked you. She said that she had done nothing, that she loved you. She stood up to you and your accusations. She was strong! She trusted you, a Templar, and you were too weak to trust her, a mage. She was stronger than you and you couldn't stand it!" Then, the voice comes as a whisper in his ear. "And so you broke her!"_

 _"_ _No… no it's a lie! I would never hurt her! I'm not like that."_

 _Cullen looks at Alexis, curled up on the floor, he runs a hand in her hair but she doesn't react. Her body is here but her mind is elsewhere, broken._

 _"_ _Oh really? Then watch!"_

 _A piece of darkness is suddenly lifted in front of him and Cullen sees himself. And there is Alexis, the one who stands up to him, proud and confident. But they are arguing. Cullen can't hear but he sees that much. And then, the other Cullen hits her, hard, and she falls to the ground. She's stunned and he hits her again, punches her, kicks her. He has something in his hand and hits her on the back, again and again, leaving bloodied marks._

 _Cullen stand up, tries to stop himself but he can't, he can't even reach himself, something prevents him from approaching further._

 _"_ _No!"_

 _He cries out, but the other Cullen doesn't hear him and continues to beat her. It looks like she's crying out too, begging him to stop. Then, the other Cullen grabs her and rips her clothes off. Alexis is still trying to defend herself but he overpowers her, he grabs her wrists, forces her to lie on her back and then… he is onto her._

 _Cullen turns away. He can't bear this sight. He can't watch what he did to her, how he…_

 _Just the thought of it is too much and he sinks to his knees._

 _"_ _No… no… that's not true, I would never do that."_

 _"_ _But she is a mage! A maleficar."_

 _"_ _No, she's not! She's…"_

 _"_ _What? A good mage? And in Kirkwall, were they also good mages? The ones you let get beaten and raped… Knight-captain?"_

 _"_ _I had no idea! The other Templars never did anything like that in front of me! I would have stopped them! I would have…I would have…"_

 _Cullen crumbles to the floor, overwhelmed by guilt and tears. And the demon laughs, the sound echoing all around him, louder and louder._

Cullen awoke in a cry, real tears in his eyes. His forehead was covered in a cold sweat and his breath ragged. A nightmare, it was only a nightmare. Yet he could still feel the guilt from his dream tightening his throat.

He sat on his bed, trying to calm his shallow breathing but the images of his dream where still vivid in his mind. What was wrong with him, how could such twisted thoughts haunt his dreams? What he had done to Alexis was unthinkable and Cullen silently prayed that she wouldn't become part of his nightmares again. Seeing her so broken, even if it was only in his sleep, had affected him more than he cared to admit.

Most nights, he would feel as if he was back there, at Kinloch Hold, trapped and tortured. But sometimes it was his past anger towards mages who would haunt him. And there was also the guilt of his failure in Kirkwall. It was true what he had said to the demon during his nightmare, he never had any knowledge of the horrible things other Templars in Kirkwall were doing. But he was blinded by his anger and his fear of magic, what if he had been less blind? What if he had realized sooner that he was mistaken? Could he have see the signs of their mistreatment and protected the mages like he was supposed to do? In the end, he had stood up against Meredith, he had fought alongside Hawke to protect the mages. But Cullen always felt like his wake up call had come too late.

Standing up he took off his shirt and cleaned up a bit. The fresh water dripping down his neck and face helped him clear his head. At least, he was no longer feeling the effects of withdrawal, the crisis was over and he wondered how much time had passed. He still had work to do before dinner. Cullen paused; he was supposed to join Trevelyan at dinner.

He sighed, thinking of Alexis, the haunting image of her body in his dream came back. Could he act like that? Could he hurt her? Out of fear? Fear of what, magic? Or fear of being too attracted to her, fear of his feelings? No this was a nightmare, he would never lay a hand on her, fear of magic or not, this wasn't him.

What about his feelings? He couldn't deny that he was attracted to her. But was it such a problem? He could admit being attracted to a mage, a woman; she was a woman not just a mage he said to himself, and a beautiful one. And after all, he wasn't the only one who found her attractive, he had seen some of his soldiers giving her appreciative looks even heard some make a few comments.

Cullen reassured himself. This was just a little infatuation, nothing more and he could deal with that, there were no other feelings involved. "Yet" Said a little voice in his head that he tried to ignore.

He wasn't going to skip the dinner with the Herald. He had asked her to join him, and she wasn't wrong after all, getting to know each other better could make things easier between them. He just had to be a little careful and not make a fool of himself.


	9. Chapter 9

They took place at the long table set up in the Chantry where most of the inquisition's members would take their meals. There were a lot of empty seats, but already eating at the other side of the table were a few soldiers and two Templars, Cullen's second in command, Rylen, and a lieutenant if Alexis recalled correctly.

It wasn't really intimate but it was good enough to have a conversation, and a more private setting could have made things a bit awkward. This wasn't a date, they were just trying to know each other better, spent some non-work related time together.

So if it wasn't a date, why the makeup on her eyes and why all that time trying to braid her hair correctly? Why wear her most fitting outfit? Alexis cursed that little voice in her head. So what, she had cleaned up a bit. It felt nice once in a while, especially given all the time she spent on the road these days.

Shushing that unnerving little voice, Alexis opened the discussion.

"So, you already know I'm from Ostwick, where are you from?"

"I grew up in Ferelden, near Honnleath. I was transferred to Kirkwall shortly after the Blight. This is the first I've returned in almost ten years."

"You haven't seen Ferelden in ten years. Are you glad to be back?"

"I was not sorry to leave at the time. I did not expect to return. Now, between the Divine's murder and the Breach, I've arrived to find nothing but chaos." But this wasn't the time to talk about the situation or the Inquisition, and so, taking just the time to eat some of his food, he asked her a question. "What about you? How was your life in Ostwick?"

Chewing on her food Alexis thought about what to respond. What to tell or not. Cullen was an honest man and she felt she could open up to him regarding her past. Or at least, some parts of it.

"Secluded, but that's the case for most mages. I grew up in Ostwick. Although I have always favored the time we spent in the estate my parents have outside the city on the coast. My magic showed up when I was around eight years old and I was sent to the circle. My parents made arrangements for me and I would come home several times a year for a few days, sometimes a week or two."

"A time you spent with your father's sword master if I recall?" Cullen said, smiling to her.

"I wish! But there were other things I had to learn whenever I could come back home, things far more suited for a lady than swordplay." Said Alexis, mocking the tone her mother had used so many times saying those exact words.

"Like what?"

"Well, there was dancing and etiquette and how to properly entertain guests. I wasn't too bad for the dancing part, but lousy at the rest. And I would sneak out to train whenever I had the opportunity."

Somehow, Cullen had a hard time picturing Alexis doing proper Lady stuff. He was used to see her train, come back with bruises from her travels, drink bad ale with Varric at the tavern without blinking at the poor taste, and even sometimes curse like a sailor. None were lady like things.

"I probably would have done the same in your place! You must have been happy to be able to leave the circle to see your family."

Alexis's eyes dropped to her plate for a moment, biting nervously at her lower lip.

"Yeah, a bit. I know I was lucky, it was a privilege for me to see them, and most mages don't have that luxury. But, let's just say that me being a mage, it complicated things. I had, have, difficult relationships with some of my relatives."

"I'm sorry. We can speak of something else if you want."

She looked back at Cullen, and he could see conflicted emotions playing on her face, a battle in the end won by a soft smile.

"It's okay. Its life you know. Things aren't always happy or bad. I have a lot of good memories from the time spent with my family. My father would always take me horse riding, I sometimes attended parties. In those moments, I felt like I was part of the world! No longer locked away and watching it spin without me."

Life in the circle was an isolated one, and if most could adjust to the walls, others could never stop dreaming of the outside world. Some circles were most restrictive and sheltered than others but in the end, those who dreamt of freedom would either despair or take any chances to leave their gilded cage. What would she have done if there had been no rebellion? Cullen was curious.

"It seems like the secluded life of the circle didn't agreed with you."

She took her time before giving an answer, eating a little and carefully evaluating what she was going to say. She had formed several responses in her head, all of them containing just a part of the truth, but in the end she threw them all out.

"Honestly, I hated it. There were times, during the first years, were just the thought of spending my entire life in the circle was enough to make me cry four hours, other time I was overwhelmed by rage. I was just a girl but I lashed out more than once at the Templars watching me. I felt like an animal trapped in a cage."

Cullen felt his throat tightened. He had seen children brought to the circle, taken away from their family sometimes by force. Some were grateful, for Templars had save them from an angry mob driven by the fear of magic. But there were those who couldn't accept it and Cullen could only imagine the injustice she must have felt, and it was enough from him to feel bad. Alexis had a kind heart but also a strong and free spirit. The circle could only be a prison to her, even with the gentlest Templars in all Thedas. This rebellion, what happened in Kirkwall, it was inevitable. You couldn't lock up people, even for their own good, and not one day see them battling for their freedom. It was only a matter of time, and deep inside Cullen knew it.

"How did you manage to get through that, to accept it?"

She was looking at him with sparkling eyes, like the cat that got the cream.

"I never said I did." Cullen quirked a brow at her and she chuckled a little. "I'm not sure I should say that to you, but well, with the rebellion it's no longer relevant so where's the harm? I had a plan: Learn everything of use the circle could teach me, train hard, learn how to fight, how to beat a Templar should I find myself against one. And then, at the right occasion… leave."

"You were planning to become an apostate?"

"I was planning on living my life on my own terms. And because of my magic yes, it included being an apostate in the Chantry's eyes."

She corrected him, but that small difference of opinion was important to her. Cullen was a little stunned by her testimony but what struck him the most was the determination Alexis was showing. She would have carried on with that plan if the rebellion hadn't started, that much was certain.

"You are a good fighter; I've seen you train with Cassandra or Solas. Why where you still in the circle if you wanted to leave so desperately? It looks to me like you were ready."

"I was, and I had an opportunity to escape and was going to leave. But right before I could carry on with my plan, we heard of what happened in Kirkwall. Soon after that the Templars started chasing apostates more ferociously than ever and the first circles started the rebellion. It was no longer a good or right time for me to leave."

"I remember you saying that you went on your way when the Ostwick circle joined the rebellion, why not join them? If you didn't like the life in the circle, it seems only logic to me that you would agree with their fight?"

Alexis sighed, considering Cullen with calm yet cautious eyes.

"Things aren't only black and white, Commander. Did I believe in the circles? No. And I won't give you a speech about that because, I'm pretty sure we won't agree and I don't want a fight. I also believe that a rebellion was inevitable. But what happened in the months after it all started, I didn't believed it was actually achieving much for mages. I guess that starting the rebellion was necessary, to make the Chantry hear us, but it took a wrong path somewhere along the way. At least that's what happened in Ostwick when it was decided to join the rebellion. I believed we could stand for some middle ground, that we could find a better way to fight for our rights. But well clearly it didn't work. And that's why I left on my own. And besides, my dream was to travel, maybe as a minstrel or go to Rivain and become a pirate! Not a revolutionary."

Humor was always a good way to ease touchy subjects, and it was better than to speak her mind about the circles. She knew Cullen and her wouldn't agree on everything even if he seemed less ready to defend the circle as she had imagined he would.

"Become a pirate? That was your plan?"

Cullen said his expression shared between amusement and bewilderment.

"Sure it was! And a minstrel, don't forget that part! It's very important to know how to sing dirty pirate songs." She said with a large grin.

"Alright, now you're making fun of me" He said frowning, but unable to hide his laughter.

"I wouldn't dare Commander!"

"Don't "commander" me Trevelyan, it won't work. I know you're messing with me."

Her voice a low and teasing tone she looked at him, a charming smile playing on her lips.

"Fine, then, I wouldn't dare making fun of you, Cullen."

Maker, that smile and the way she was looking at him right now, it sent him blushing instantly. Cullen couldn't help but look at her. She was really pretty tonight. He had noticed the small touches of makeup that brought out her eyes. It suited her, even if she needed no makeup for Cullen to be drawn by her gaze. He had also noticed how her hair was neatly braided and she had changed from her usual travel clothes wearing black pants and boots with a fitting dark green blouse that was doing a perfect job at emphasizing the pleasing curves of her bust.

Cullen wondered if she had done all these efforts to improve her looks to please him. Along with the teasing way she had said his name, it all felt like she could be flirting with him. To his own surprise, he kind of liked the thought.

Alexis didn't want her light flirtation to make Cullen feel uneasy and she quickly asked a question, letting him escape from any possible awkward response. But she had to admit that he was really cute when he was blushing.

"Enough about me. What about you? Why did you join the Order?"

"I could think of no better calling than to protect those in need." Cullen said, clearly grateful for the change of topic. "I used to beg the Templars at our local Chantry to teach me. At first they merely humored me, but I must have shown promise. Or at least a willingness to learn. The Knight-Captain spoke to my parents on my behalf. They agreed to send me for training. I was thirteen when I left home."

"Thirteen… that's still so young."

"I wasn't the youngest there. Some children are promised to the Order at infancy. Still, I didn't take on full responsibilities until I was eighteen. The order sees you trained and educated first. But I guess you know what it's like, you were sent to the Circle at a young age too."

"Yes, but me or the children promised to the Chantry, we didn't have a choice. You did and still you choose that life. It's…so brave."

"It didn't felt that way. As I said, at the time I could think of no better path."

"What about your family, did you miss them?"

"Of course. But there were many my age who felt the same. We learned to look out for one another."

"It's always good to have people around whom you can rely on. It must have made things a bit easier. I know that Templar training is quite hard."

"It was. But I wanted to learn everything. If I was giving my life to this, I would be the best Templar I could."

"You were a model student."

Cullen laughed, remembering how dedicated to the cause he was during his training years. And how very bored he had been at times.

"I wanted to be. I wasn't always successful. Watching a candle burn down while reciting the Chant of Transfigurations wasn't the most exciting task. I admit, my mind sometimes wandered."

"I'm not going to blame you for that." She said with a laugh. "I guess it's a good thing you felt compelled to become a Templar, not a Chantry brother."

"I'm not sure I would have survived that training."

"Really? Is that because of the vows of celibacy?" She said teasing.

"Hum…no!"

And there was the blush again. Alexis couldn't resist, the opportunity was just too perfect.

"Oh you mean Templars are also expected to give up… physical temptations?"

"Physical? Why… why would you…" he cleared his throat trying to regain some composure. "That's not expected. Templars can marry, although there are rules around it, and the Order must grant permission. Some may choose to give up more to prove their devotion, but it's, um, not required."

That he was feeling nervous was an understatement. Sex was clearly not a casual subject to Cullen, nor one he could easily joke about. Especially when it was a gorgeous woman asking about it.

"Have you?"

Why was she asking that? She wanted to know, or perhaps she was just messing with him? What if she was trying to know if he could… or if he had… Cullen stopped his trail of thoughts before it made his head explode and stammered a short response.

"Me? I…um… no. I've taken no such vows. Maker's breath, can we speak of something else?"

"Of course. What do you want to talk about?"

Alexis tried to hide her smile. So the Commander was definitely a bit shy about certain subjects. For her sake maybe it was better that way. She had to stop that stupid teasing and casual flirting. It didn't matter how handsome he was or how much she felt attracted to him, sleeping with him was a bad idea, it could ruin everything they were trying to build right now. And she wanted them to have a better work relationshop, it was more important than just a fling with him, no matter how really tempting it was.


	10. Chapter 10

They had talked and laughed and shared memories long after finishing their meals. They had joked about things and tiptoed around others, but in the end the evening had fulfilled its promise. And they both felt like they could slowly start to trust each other despite their differences.

Cullen had insisted on walking her back to her cottage and Alexis had only said no once to be polite. She didn't wanted that moment to end, and she felt like Cullen didn't either because despite the cold of the night he had set their walk at a slow pace, delaying the moment where they would have to part.

"I don't know if you have noticed, but I believe your men's threw us quite a few glances at dinner."

"I have!" Cullen said, sighing and rubbing at the back of his neck.

"Is it a problem?"

"You have no idea how quickly gossips can spread through the barracks."

"Oh come on Cullen. I'm sure they were more surprised at seeing you laughing than making wild speculations about why you and I were having dinner together." She said, bumping lightly at his shoulder.

"You haven't been much around soldiers, have you? You have no idea how much they like to gossip, especially about relationships!"

"Don't worry, I will defend your honor. I won't let them say naughty things about you."

"Why doesn't it make me feel better?"

"Hey! That's not fair! I would defend you if I heard them say something inappropriate." She said laughing.

"Before or after making several remarks with hidden meanings?" He said with a large grin.

"Am I really that bad? Ah Blight! I really need to keep my mouth shut."

"I'm curious, where have you learn to swear like that? Not during your lessons on how to act like a proper lady I suppose?"

It was Cullen's turn to tease her and he was having a really good time doing so!

"You are so mean to me right now! And I can act like a proper lady… if I want to."

"I'd like to see that!" He said sarcastically.

"Don't wish that too hard, because I know Josephine is just waiting for the right opportunity to throw me into a dress and make me do small talks with the nobles she invites to Haven. And I swear that when it happens, I'll make you come along!" She said, threatening him playfully.

"You might want to reconsider that, I don't do particularly well when dealing with nobles and politicians."

"Don't worry, I can act lady-like for the both of us, you won't have to talk. It'll be fun enough to see you appalled because of the futility of the conversation."

"It looks like we both don't rejoice in long meetings about politics and nobility."

"Not really, no." She said with a laugh.

A comfortable silence fell between them as they slowly walked through the village exchanging a few stolen glances. At the beginning of the evening Alexis had found Cullen a bit tense, he had also looked tired as if some bad news had fallen down on him during the day. And Varric was right about him having a serious expression all the time so it was good to see him more relaxed, smiling even, and not for just a few seconds. It was giving him a discreet charm that wasn't there otherwise. He still had that charisma that belonged only to strong military leaders but it added a little thing. It was making it easier for Alexis to see him as Cullen and not the former Templar or the Commander.

"I suppose you'll be leaving soon for Redcliffe? I hope your meeting with Fiona goes well."

"Me too. So much people seem to have gone mad with this rebellion. I really hope that Fiona and the rebels will at least listen to some reason." She said, tugging behind her ear a strand of hair that had escaped her braid.

"You have mixed feelings about this, have you?"

"Yes, I suppose I do." She said frowning a little. "I said that I would consider all our options regarding this alliance with the Templars or the mages, and I will. But some part of me just wishes that the mages will help us. It would be a chance to prove to everyone that mages can do some good! That they fight for what is right and not just pursue their own interests, that they agree to put aside this stupid conflict with the Templars and acted for the safety of Thedas. Let all the people see that and maybe it would be the first step to create something better than the Circles, and better than war." She sighed, her gaze lost. "Maybe I'm just having false hopes about all this."

"You're right; there must be something better that recreates the Circles just as they were." Cullen said, and she looked up to him. There was warmth in his dark amber eyes and comfort in his voice. "Maybe you can make them see reason."

"Well it didn't work at Ostwick's Circle. But the situation wasn't as desperate as now." She said sighing.

"It must have been really bad if it made you leave on your own."

"Things went really ugly. Not all mages wanted to follow the vote of independence. And of course those who wanted independence didn't like being opposed. When the Circle rebelled, some of those who didn't want to follow were killed."

"Maker's breath. I'm so sorry. It must have been horrible to see that."

"I didn't see it. I was already gone. I heard about it a few days later."

Alexis wasn't planning on telling more about what happened, about her timely escape, but that memory was a burden she had carried alone for too long and the words were on her lips, desperate to finally get out.

"Lydia, she was a senior enchanter and my mentor, she made me flee the Circle during that last meeting. The debate was becoming more violent, we knew it wouldn't end well and she knew that I wouldn't just go along with the rebellion without speaking my mind and she feared that I had made a target of myself defending our opinion. So she told me to leave… she saved me."

 _The Templar lies on the floor at her feet, only unconscious. She takes the key Lydia gave her and opens the door. All the walls of the room are covered with shelves containing vials. Fortunately they are all well-ordered and it only takes Alexis a few minutes to find her own, her phylactery, the only thing making it possible for Templars to track her personally. She quickly places the vials in her bag and storm out of the room, barely tacking the time to lock the door behind her._

 _She encounters no other Templars. They must all be discussing what they should do now that the First Enchanters have voted for independence, and what to do if the Ostwick mages decides to abide by the vote. But they must have left a patrol to hold the main gate, so Alexis goes to the garden, where one of the walls nearly connects with the outer rampart. She uses her magic, she creates small blocks of ice along the wall that allows her to climb. She almost slips a few times but she finally managed to reach the summit. She walks as quickly as she can without falling, makes the small jump that separates the garden wall from the rampart. And she's there, on the edge. The Circle on one side, the outside world on the other. She stands there a moment, almost afraid of making the jump._

 _She looks at the tower where the mages are gathering and she thinks about the people she is leaving behind. She almost wants to go back. Maybe there's still something she can do? But then she remembers how Linnea threatened her, how Lara, her friend and who is like a sister to her, yelled at her for not agreeing fully with the independence. No it's too late, nobody wants to listen to reason anymore._

 _She looks down on the other side of the wall. She had never imagined she would be sad to leave the Circle. But she had never imagined such a mess could happen. She thinks of Lydia. She knows her mentor would never leave, not without her youngest students at risks. And despite her lack of faith, Alexis prays to whoever can hear her plea, asking for Lydia to be safe and for Lara too._

 _And then… she jumps._

The touch of Cullen's hand on her shoulders made her snap back to reality. A sigh escaped her lips before she can finish her story.

"Lydia, she died that day. And I would have been dead too if she hadn't pushed me to leave." Tears began to fill her eyes and she wiped them out with her fingers. "Sorry, I didn't mean to kill the mood like this. I guess it just needed to come out."

"It's alright." Cullen said, trying to sound comforting. "This war has spared no one. We all carry the loss of those who fell to this madness. And we can't always carry it all on our own. But don't let it dismiss all that you have and all that you can accomplish."

He gently pressed his hand on her shoulder before removing it. He wanted to do more to comfort her, he wanted to take her in his arms and let her cry her pain, wanted to relieve her of her turmoil, he wanted to tell how sorry he was that she had to go through that suffering. But all of it felt inappropriate.

"You're right, too many have suffered because of this war. And with the Inquisition we have a chance to act and change things. I just hope to be up for the task. I kinda never imagined myself being branded as the Herald of Andraste nor being asked to make decisions that would affect so many people."

"Yes, I understand that being called the Herald of Andraste made you a bit nervous!" He said, smiling to her, trying to alleviate her spirit.

"It's just so hard to believe! It has been so hard believing in anything for so many years. Finding myself at the center of an organization of the faithful, it's a bit mind wrecking." She said with a chuckle.

"I don't know what plans the Maker has for you, or for any of us. But whatever they may be, it's good that it didn't get to your head. For what it's worth, I'm glad that you are with us. And not only because of that mark on your hand."

"Thank you Cullen. I'm glad to be here too." And upon that admission they had reached her door. "Well, this is it, it was very nice of you to walk me back to my cabin."

"Just doing my duty." Cullen answered with a smile.

Turning to face him, Alexis leaned against the wooden panel of the door, not opening it just yet.

"I had a really nice time tonight and I hope you did too."

"I did! It was good to talk about something else than the Inquisition."

She had her hand on the door knob, feeling hesitant. Some part of her wanted to do something, even something foolish like kissing him on the cheek, but she refrained herself, biting at her lower lip.

"Goodnight Cullen, and thank you again for this evening."

"Goodnight Alexis."

She grinned at finally hearing him calling her by her first name. Maybe it was just a stupid little thing, but it meant something. She hadn't moved yet, hadn't opened her door and in that moment Cullen wanted nothing more than close the distance between them. But he remained still as her hand pulled the handle. And then she went inside, smiling to him one last time.

The door shut. Cullen sighed, eyes closed for a moment. This could never happen, there was too much at stake to be distracted by whatever feeling was stirring inside of him. He had to forget them, to push them aside no matter how hard it was whenever she was around.

Inside, Alexis leaned against the door, her head down. She couldn't let herself think about him. This could never be, nothing could ever happen between her and Cullen. He was a decent man with strong principles and not one to take relations lightly. She would only hurt him.


	11. Chapter 11

She couldn't believe it. This was worse than any worst case scenario she had played in her mind. Tevinter? That was the solution the rebel mages had chosen? How could Fiona be so desperate to pledge all of them to that Magister! How could she think for a second that slavery in the imperium was their better chance?

Alexis was boiling with rage, her hand that still held the note from Felix was trembling. She had needed all her self-control to remain calm during her talk with Gereon Alexius and Fiona, now that they were gone her anger was slowly trying to surface. Pinching her nose she tried to calm down. There was something more important at hand than her conflicted emotions, something that was making this entire situation feel wrong. She had played along while talking with the Magister, trying to gather information. She hadn't gained much but it was sufficient to be fairly certain that he was the one here having a secret agenda. Too many things weren't adding up.

First, apparently the Fiona they had met at Val Royeaux wasn't Fiona, so either the Grand Enchanter's memory had been altered, or there was some form of magic at hand. Then there was that very timely arrival of Gereon Alexius who so perfectly happen to arrive right after the conclave to offer a bargain saving the mages from the wrath of the Templars. And now there was the note from the Magister's son saying that she was in danger and setting a meeting in Redcliffe's Chantry. There was a trap in there somewhere waiting for her, that much was certain.

"So Frostbite, what's our move?"

Varric had come up with that nickname for her, she liked it, and she had gotten use to the dwarf calling her that way.

"This meeting is most certainly a trap." Said Cassandra.

"And our best chance at learning more about this Magister." Solas added.

"I agree, with both of you. There's something wrong here and I intend to find out what."

"Great! There's nothing better to make new friends than going to some secret meeting right after you've been told that you're in danger. Bianca and I can't wait!"

"You know what Varric? You really are good at highlighting the bright side of a situation." Said Alexis on a slightly sarcastic tone.

At least Varric's sly humor was helping with her mood. But unfortunately that small relief was short-lived. The Gull and Latern, Redcliffe's tavern, had been almost emptied for her meeting with Fiona, but there had been a few others mages, mostly at tables on the other side of the room. As Alexis and her party was going to leave, one of them stood up and placed herself between them and the way to the exit.

"Alexis Trevelyan, so it really is you."

It was a young woman with sort black hair and wearing a mage's robe. A mean expression was placated on her long and slime face.

"Linnea. Long time no see." Sais Alexis, crossing her arms and trying her best at sounding calm.

"You really come up in the world, right? Marked by Andraste, ordering Templars about. Must be nice." The woman said with a distinct sardonic note in her voice.

"What do you want Linnea?" Alexis said, keeping her face neutral.

"What do I want? You can't possibly fathom that Alexis. You, always the best, the perfect apprentice then a promising knight-enchanter! They even reached out to you to go to the conclave despite the fact that you left us at Ostwick! And look at you now, a pretty face in a perfect armor, coming as the great savior."

"Quit it Linnea, if you're only there to spit your venom it doesn't interest me." Alexis snapped at her.

"I've come to tell you to mind your own business, we don't want this Inquisiton's help. We'll be Tevinter soon, we'll be respected."

"You'd rather bow to Tevinter than join the Inquisition? You believe your life will be better in the Imperium because it's ruled by mages? Have you gone completely mad?"

Alexis was losing patience, she was already way past angry and Linnea was getting on her nerves.

"The imperium isn't like what the Chantry says, no one here wants us to look at them and say: Their mages are free and the world hasn't ended."

"Yes, Tevinter mages are free. But you won't, none of you will be free there! You'll be nothing more than a slave, mage or not!"

"You can believe in your Inquisition if you like, but leave us. We don't need you. Go back to your Templars since you are on their side, even after everything they did to you."

Her face twisted by hate Linnea spat that last remark and left. Alexis's hands had balled into fists and she was focusing on the pain caused by her nails digging into her palms to refrain herself from grabbing the girl and break her nose.

"Are you alright Trevelyan?" Cassandra spoke to her softly.

Alexis sighed trying to calm down. She loosened her fists while giving Cassandra a small nod.

"It's fine. She always acted like a jerk around me in the Circle. No reason that would change now." Alexis responded trying to forget what Linnea had said. "Let's go, we need to find out what's happening here."

They walked out of the tavern and made their way towards the Chantry. But whatever it was they were supposed to find out there, Alexis felt that it was only going to be another bad news on a day already full of them. All hope of convincing the rebel mages to do the right thing and help the Inquisition was gone. Fiona had made a deal for all of them and Alexis had no power to undo that bargain. Perhaps she could still convince some of them to leave despite the deal that had been made with the Magister? But how could she manage that without tipping off Gereon.

But they already had reached the Chantry, and there was no time to dwell on that thought any longer, she had to focus on what was waiting for her behind those doors.

And it was clearly not what she had expected!

"Good! You're finally here! Now help me close this, would you? » Said the man that had just bludgeon to death two demons with only his staff, a fade rift, waiting to poor out more demons, glowing behind him. If it was made on purpose, the man had clearly a taste to grandstanding entrance.

Unclasping her spirit blade and pouring her mana into the weapon, Alexis glanced at Varric.

"Looks like at least Bianca is going to make some new friends!"

"You know how much she likes those, Frostbite."

The rift was already pulsing again, demons ready to cross the veil. Solas casted a barrier around them and when the first demon materialized, Alexis rushed towards the creature. Her blade passed its defenses and she quickly sent it back to the fade. Her comrades were making good on their own, and so did the mage that had been waiting for them.

The battle was over quickly. Alexis could feel the pulse of energy coming for the mark on her hand and sending light jolts of pain along her arm. The first time she had felt it, it was unbearable. Now it had lessened and she could manage the discomfort. She aimed the mark at the rift and the energy poured out to close it.

"Fascinating. How does that work, exactly?"

Alexis quirked a brow at the man while quickly scanning him from head to toe. He was handsome, with dark hair and a moustache. His skin a tanned complexion and he was wearing an air of insolent confidence about him.

"You don't even know, do you? You just wiggle your finger, and boom! Rift closes." He added.

"Who are you?" She said, crossing her arms on her chest.

"Ah getting ahead of myself again, I see. Dorian of house Pavus, most recently of Minrathous. How do you do?"

"Another Tevinter. Be cautious with this one." Said Cassandra next to her.

"Suspicious friends you have here. Magister Alexius was once my mentor, so my assistance should be valuable, as I'm sure you can imagine."

"Stop talking like you're waiting for applause. I want to know what's going on." Said Alexis.

"What, there's no applause? Fine. Look, you must know there's danger. That should be obvious even without the note."

Dorian trailed on, explaining everything he knew about the time magic that had brought Gereon Alexius to Redcliffe at just the right moment. With even more unanswered questions in mind Alexis watched Felix arrive, bringing some more bad news to situation already full of them. And Tevinter supremacists gathering into a cult? That alone was qualifying as bad news enough to bring the utter most perfect day into a shitty one.

"They call themselves "Venatori". And I can tell you one thing: whatever he's done for them, he's done it to get to you."

"Why would he rearrange time and indenture the mage rebellion just to get to me?"

"They're obsessed with you, but I don't know why. Perhaps because you survive the Temple of Sacred Ashes?" Felix responded.

"You can close the rifts. Maybe there's a connection? Or they see you as a threat?" Dorian suggested.

"If the Venatori are behind those rifts, or the Breach in the sky, they're even worse than I thought."

Felix was dreading what is father was doing, that much was certain.

"I knew this day could only get better. No really, it's comforting to know that I'm the obsession of a Tevinter cult, really I'm honored, it's a refreshing change! I should have brought a gift for Alexius." Said Trevelyan sarcastically.

"Send him a fruit basket. Everyone loves those." Dorian added on the same tone. "You know you're his target. Expecting the trap is the first step in turning it to your advantage. I can't stay in Redcliffe. Alexius doesn't know I'm here, and I want to keep it that way for now. But whenever you're ready to deal with him, I want to be there. I'll be in touch." And with that promise Dorian started to walk to the exit, looking back at Felix before disappearing behind a door. "Oh and Felix? Try not to get yourself killed."

"There are worse things than dying, Dorian."


	12. Chapter 12

The meeting in the war room was as relentless as Alexis had feared. They had been back to Haven late in the morning and she had barely been given the time to eat something and ask for someone to help Blackwall to settle down before being called to the reunion. She was tired, sore for the long days spent on horseback to reach Haven as fast as possible and she wanted nothing else than to get out of her clothes and clean up. In that very moment her sweetest dream was a hot bath, and not a long and painful discussion about how bad the news from Redcliffe were.

Alexis had remained silent since they all had started to argue about the best course of action, which, clearly they couldn't agree on and she was now waiting for the fatidic moment where they would turn to her to make the decision.

"What do you think about all this Herald?" Josephine asked.

And here we are, Alexis thought.

"Yes you have remained awfully silent." Said Cassandra.

"And you were awfully busy not agreeing on anything."

"You're right." Leliana said. "And we must take a decision. But you're the one that will be put in danger in either case, the choice is up to you."

Alexis crossed her arm and looked up at them. Her decision had already been made a while ago. She was still pissed at Fiona for her ill wise decision, but no matter how she look at the problem, the outcome was the same. She just couldn't let Tevinter cultists enslave hundreds of mages.

"We go to Redcliffe, we take on Alexius' offer and we prevent him and this Venatori cult from enslaving the mages and gaining one of the best strongholds in all of Thedas. If we let him go forward with this plan we won't be able to stop him once he's done with it."

"We don't have the manpower to take the castle!" Said Cullen. "Either we find another way in, or give up this nonsense and go get the Templars! They…"

"The Templars aren't indentured to a Magister." Alexis interrupted, slightly losing patience. "Which means we have no hope of saving any of them from this madness! They will be enslaved to this cult, even the children. Some of the Templars can still be convinced! Maybe not those who followed the Lord Seeker, but others elsewhere. We have Templars here, have them make contact with their former brothers. I'm sure some of them will respond and join us. But we can't let these Venatori gain control over Redcliffe and the mages."

"Alexis is right." Said Cassandra, much to Alexis' surprise. "Redcliffe is in the hands of a Magister. This cannot be allowed to stand."

"But the letter from Alexius asked for the Herald of Andraste by name. It's an obvious trap!" Said Josephine, alarmed by the situation.

"Woaw, I must really have made a good impression on him." Alexis added on a sly tone. "Isn't that kind of the Magister. What does he say about me?"

"He's so complimentary that we are certain he wants to kill you."

It was Leliana who spoke this time and she gave the spymaster an amused smile for playing along with her way of making fun of the situation.

"Redcliffe castle is one of the most defensible Fortresses in Ferelden. It has repelled many assaults." Cullen said on his very serious tone with his very serious face that he turned towards Alexis. "If you go in there, you'll die. And we'll lose the only means we have of closing these rifts. I won't allow it."

There was a tension in Cullen's eyes that Alexis had never witnessed before, and his solemn expression was only match by how wild was the fire raging in his eyes.

"And if we don't even try to meet Alexius, we lose the mages and leave a hostile foreign power on our doorstep!"

Leliana's intervention broke their eye contact as Cullen turned to look at the spymaster, and Alexis let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding.

"Even if we could assault the keep, it would be for naught. An "Orlesian" Inquisition's army marching into Ferelden would provoke a war. Our hands are tied." Said Josephine

"But the magister…"

"Has outplayed us." Cullen said cutting out Cassandra.

"Felix, Alexius'son, made it clear that those Venatori are obsessed with me. They just won't back down because we're going elsewhere for help! They will act against us, against me, sooner or later. We have to stop them while we can still win! There has to be another way for us to get in, a sewer, a water course, anything." Alexis said, her mind set on finding a solution that would get them into the castle.

"There's nothing that I know of that would work." Said Cullen, placing his hands on the pommel of his sword.

"Wait, there is a secret passage into the castle, an escape route for the family. It's too narrow for our troops, but we could send agents through." Said Leliana.

"Too risky. Those agents will be discovered well before they reach the Magister." Countered Cullen.

"That's why we need a distraction. Perhaps the envoy Alexius wants so badly?" Leliana added while giving the Herald a complicit glance.

"Focus their attention on Trevelyan while we take out the Tevinters. It's risky, but it could work."

Cullen had barely finished his phrase that the door flew open, revealing the very confident Dorian Pavus that walked into the room like the savior of the day. Maker that man liked his dramatic entrances Alexis thought.

"Fortunately, you'll have help." Said Dorian with a smile directed to Alexis.

"Dorian Pavus. I knew you would show up." She said while giving him a grin.

"And I would have hated to disappoint." Dorian responded while making a display of his charming self.

Cullen was looking at Dorian suspiciously, his brow frowned. From the corner of her eyes Alexis also noticed that his grip had tightened around his sword. It seemed like the little show made by the Tevinter mage wasn't to his liking.

"Your spies will never get past Alexius's magic without my help. So if you're going after him, I'm coming along." Dorian added without being bothered a second by the Commander's clear skeptical attitude.

"And you expect us to trust you?" Cullen said.

"Commander, Dorian is on our side."

"You barely know him Trevelyan! For all you know he could be trying to trick you!" Cullen defended.

"Along with Gereon's own son, who took great risks to warn us? No I don't buy it." Said Alexis, dismissing Cullen's concerns with a wave of her hand than turning to Dorian. "We welcome your help Dorian." She added, cutting out all further debate.

"The plan puts you in the most danger. We can't, in good conscience, order you to do this. We can still go after the Templars if you'd rather not play the bait." Cullen said, pleading, for her to be safe? Or because he thought the Templars were more important than saving the mages from the Magister's and the Venatori's claws Alexis asked herself.

"No. I will do it. We can't let these Venatori take power over Redcliffe and we can't let all the rebel mages become their puppets! I won't allow it. Besides if I don't play the bait now, who knows when they'll launch their attack against me? It could be worse to let them gain power right under our nose and without any knowledge of where and when they'll strike! If they want me, so be it! They'll have me but at least I won't endanger innocent people and we'll be ready with our plan to counter them."

"Herald your life is more important than…"

"No Commander. You wanted me to make the decision, and that's my decision." Her words were final and the people in the room understood that much. One after the other, they left, Cassandra with a smile for her, Dorian with a charming grin, Josephine with concern in her eyes and Leliana looking somewhat proud of her resolve. Cullen, gathering notes and reports, was the last one to walk to the door.

Alexis was leaning against the table, her hands gripping the edges when he walked past her, nearly out of the room.

"Commander." She called out to him.

"Yes Herald?" He answered, his face placated with his usual serious expression.

"I meant what I said earlier about the Templars. We will need as many of them as we can convince." She said, turning to face him. "And I can't do that, but you can."

"I'm not sure I'm the right person for what you're asking." He said, sighing, his hand coming to rest on the hilt of his sword.

"You are. You're the military Commander of the Inquisition and you were the Knight-captain of Kirkwall, acting Knight-Commander even since Meredith was never replaced. Many Templars of the Free marches came to know you. All your officers in the Inquisition are Templars, you have the reach and you can convince the Templars scattered around Thedas that joining the Inquisition is better than following the Lord Seeker."

"Alright, I'll have my men send letters, and I'll contact whoever I can that might still be of help, but most the Templars I knew and whom I trusted are already here." He said, ready to leave again.

She was ready to let him leave but what he had said during the meeting was bothering her, despite the evidence that the Magister was a threat that needed to be dealt with he tried to convince her to seek the Templars instead of dealing with the immediate danger that would sooner or later knock on Haven's doors.

"Are we so unredeemable to you?" She said, stopping him again from passing the door.

"What?"

"Mages. Do you find us so unredeemable that when most of us are at the mercy of fanatic cultists you'd prefer to leave them there and look elsewhere?" Alexis said, her voice trembling.

"They put themselves in that position." Cullen said, trying to sound calm.

"Oh and Templars acted on reason when they chose to leave the capital and abandon everyone?" Alexis spat out.

"They had lost their senses too, I already agreed to that. But they didn't pledge themselves to a foreign power who wants nothing but to exploit them! And that's already bad enough without the knowledge of this Venatori cult" Cullen was slowly losing his nerves and he hated where this heated conversation was going.

"That Magister used time magic! And who knows what else he did to indenture the mages just to get to me!"

She couldn't support that thought. It was the main reason that had pushed her to take the decision to help the mages. She couldn't turn her back on them knowing it was her, the way she had been marked, that had caused the Magister to force a bargain on them.

"And that should clearly be enough to warn you that going against him as a bad idea! You'll get yourself killed" Cullen said with anger.

"What would you have me do Cullen? Let them suffer? Do you want me to let them be enslaved? Do they deserve to be sacrificed to this cult because I chose to leave them behind?"

She was yelling, unable to contain her fears and her anger any longer.

"You are not responsible for what happened to them! They could have refused!" Cullen answered matching her tone.

"Right, because that Magister, Alexius, would have gently backed down from his plan with a polite no? You know as well as me that he is the one responsible and that if he is ready to shred time to get to me he would never have stopped at that! I am the reason why they are in this position! I am the reason they'll be sacrificed if I don't go there! There are children there, young and innocent mages who have been thrown into this war and who never asked for any of it to happen to them. I can't let them…"

Her anger out, it was the fear that was now taking over her. Fiona had said they had children with them and if Linnea was there it meant that others mages from Ostwick were there too! Lydia's younger apprentices, child and teenagers Alexis had helped train for years! Perhaps Lara was there too. Thinking of her friend threw her over the edge. Lara had been like a sister to her, a real one, with whom she had played and made pranks, with whom she had shared everything since they were young girls. They had been inseparable. Until the rebellion where Lara's hatred of Templars gained the better of her and made her lose all sight of the reality of the situation.

Tears filled Alexis's eyes and she turned away from Cullen, not wanting him to see her like that. She held back the sobs, biting her lips, trying to fight the tears. Lydia had been a mother to her, to Lara also, they had been like a small family. Lydia was dead and even if the loss was still making Alexis suffer, she could mourn her. But Lara was alive and they hadn't part on good terms, but it didn't matter, she couldn't let her become a victim of these Venatori. She couldn't abandon her. She had always protected her, despite everything, even despite the Templars punishments.

Still fighting back her grief she heard the door closed. For a second she thought that Cullen had left but then she felt him approaching. She felt his hand on her arm but she didn't move away. She could feel his eyes on her, but she couldn't bring herself to look at him. Silent tears rolled down her cheeks as she was unable to contain them much longer.

Cullen couldn't see her like this and turn away. He couldn't bear being only the witness of her sadness. Gently he pulled her into his arms and she didn't resist. For a second she stood there, tensed against him, but when his arms slid around her she crumbled, her head coming to rest against his shoulder tears now falling freely from her eyes.

Cullen stood there, holding her close, giving time to those tears held back for too long to finally come out. Silent sobs where making her body tremble but he could feel that she was struggling to control them. He whispered soft and soothing words to her ear, offered her his embrace to her much needed emotional release. And she welcomed it, her hands coming to rest on his waist, her fingers entwined in the fabric of his mantle.

Slowly the tension stiffening her body faded away and her breathing calmed down just as the tears stopped filling her eyes. She didn't pulled away from him immediately, she stayed in his arms just letting him hold her and comfort her a while longer.

His head came to lightly rest against hers and he finally found the right words to express his feelings towards her decision to confront the Magister.

"I don't want the mages to suffer at the hands of the Venatori, Alexis. You know that. And when I said that we could just seek out the Templars, it's not because I believe we should just abandon them, nor because I fear what magic can do. It's because I fear even more what will happen to you if you go there."

A part of Alexis was afraid of what he could mean by that. Could he care for her? Or maybe he was just saying that because he was afraid of losing the only person who can close the Breach. And she had no idea which of those thoughts was better. The one where he could genuinely care for her, or the one where she was defined by the mark on her hand.

She slowly pulled away and Cullen reluctantly freed her from his embrace. She wanted to believe in him, in the fact that he didn't see her as just a mean to an end and, looking up to him, she took his hand in her own. Her eyes were a bit red from the tears but her resolve was a clear emotion on her face, her gaze steady again.

"I can't leave them Cullen, I would never forgive myself."

Cullen could see that the situation was hitting her hard. The fact that the magister could use hundreds of mages and turned them into slaves just to get to her personally was terrible. If he was in her place, could he stand the thought? Could he bear the consequences if he didn't go to save them? He would indeed feel selfish, he would feel guilty. Cullen also knew that there was more to it than Alexis was saying. There was something personal there for her to be shaken so deeply. However he knew better than to ask about it.

"I know. And you were right, Leliana Cassandra and you. We can't let this Tevinter Cult gain power, it's too dangerous. But that doesn't make me feel better about this plan."

He gently squeezed her hand in his. She had long and delicate fingers but they were also scratched from her fights and trainings and also a bit callus from her use of her spear or spirit blade. In that moment Cullen wished he didn't have his gloves on to be able to feel her skin against his own.

"I have been in danger since I walked out of the fade. I won't back down because this time the odds aren't pilling up in our favor."

"And I'll make sure that you will come out of this alive. I'll set up a plan with Leliana and you'll have the best agents to enter the castle secretly and guard your back. We will give you the best fighting chances possible."

"I know Cullen. I trust you on that matter." She smiled to him and slowly took her hand back. "Just tell me when everything is ready and I promise that I will make Gereon Alexius sorry that he ever joined theses bloody cultists."

"Then he should be worried!" Cullen said smiling.

They stood in silence, barely inches apart yet away from each other's touch. Alexis found herself once again looking at him, wondering where he had gained the scar on his face, wondering what it would feel like to run her hand in his short blond hair. A part of her couldn't help but see the Templar in him at times, especially when discussing the Inquisition or her missions. Despite that, despite the way they had yelled at each other minutes earlier, she just had to look at him when he was not wearing the Commander's mask and she would forget about everything that was keeping them apart.

And right now she wanted him to take her in his arms again. Not out of lust or longing, but because it had felt good and comforting. And she wanted to feel him, not the handsome Templar she would tease or sometimes wonder about how it would be like to bed him. She wanted him, Cullen.

The realization of these feelings stirring inside of her made her nervous, and it was something really hard to admit. A knot forming in her stomach she took a few steps back.

"I should be going. You have work to do and I've kept you away from it long enough I'm sure. Goodbye Commander."

She walked out of the room, trying her best at sounding calm but once the door was between them her pace quickened and she stormed out of the Chantry, placing as much distance she could with what had just happened, with what she had just felt.


	13. Chapter 13

Cullen had spent the rest of the afternoon locked in the war room, writing letters he would sent to Templars he knew, reviewing the men they had at their disposition with Leliana's help, picking up those more suited for the mission, studying the map of Redcliffe and its surroundings. And after long hours they had come up with what felt like the best plan given their precarious situation.

He was tired and with his weariness came a light headache. Weak signs of his withdrawal, nothing to be alarmed, and nothing he couldn't handle for the time being. He would soon try to rest, but he still had to see Rylen, and pass the Herald's request to try and make contact with Templars that hadn't yet joined the Lord Seeker. It was a long shot but it could still be worth it.

While walking toward the training yard to see his second in command, Cullen's thoughts brought back Trevelyan and their earlier discussion. She had left so quickly as if something had troubled her, but Cullen couldn't wrap his head around what could have made her suddenly uncomfortable. Was it him, or their fight?

Everything was still so complicated between them at times. At others, like when they had eaten together, it felt so simple. Even earlier when he had taken her in his arms to comfort her it had felt so right. It had seemed to erase their fight. Cullen sighed, wondering if it would ever get easier. Walking the line between their working relationship and a personal one was frustrating.

Cullen was trying to focus back on his work when he reached the training yard. There, as if meant to distract him again from his duty, he caught sight of Trevelyan. She was sitting on crates near the training dummies, her back to him, Cassandra next to her. The two women were talking and, given that the soldiers had finished their exercises for the day, no noise prevented Cullen to hear their conversation.

"…sure it's alright? You two were yelling quite loud for a moment."

"Yes its fine Cassandra, we sort it out."

"Sure? Because it won't help if you two are at each other's throat. "

Cullen didn't want to eavesdrop on them but he found it hard not to listen even for a brief moment.

"I know that, but it's just…" Alexis sighed, her hand running into her brown hair that she had let down from her usual bun. "I know that he fears what magic can do, and in consequence, he is wary of mages in general. And I know that he has his reasons, Kirkwall must have been pretty bad. But sometimes I can't help but think: he was a Templar so if he says this thing it's because I'm a mage and that's the only thing I am to him, not a person, just a mage."

Alexis sighed again, and then drank directly from a bottle she was nursing in her hands before handing it over to Cassandra.

"You do realize that the Commander has left the Order mainly because he could no longer agree with how they were dealing with the mages and the rebellion?" The Seeker asked while taking the bottle then taking a sip.

"Yes I do realize that. But sometimes it's hard. He's so tense about this subject and, well in the Circle you're not there to make friends with Templars, quite the opposite! And I learned the hard way that if you get too close to a Templar it comes back to bite you in the ass, big time!"

"Does this have anything to do with what that mage from Ostwick said to you in Redcliffe?"

"Who, Linnea? Every word out of her mouth was mean so you'll have to be more specific Cassandra." Alexis chuckled.

"That woman clearly holds a grudge against you. But she also mentioned that Templars had done things to you."

"Yeah well, I was strong-headed and it's not usually something that goes along well with Templars."

"You still are Trevelyan!" Said Cassandra lightly mocking her. She then gave back the bottle to Alexis.

"I know. But anyway, if you want to hear more about it I clearly haven't drank enough to make that particular story funny" Alexis snorted.

Cullen didn't want to hear more, he had already heard way more than he should have. His presence still unnoticed by the two women he left to find Rylen, trying not to think about what had happen to Alexis at the hands of Templars. Even if he couldn't help but remember the glimpse he had caught of the scars on her back. They could clearly be consequences of a harsh Templar punishment.

Still dwelling on these unpleasant thoughts he joined his second in command in the tent they were using as a command post. Seeing Rylen hard at work Cullen immediately went back to his Commander self, focusing on the task at hand.

"Commander, I have received the request regarding the men needed for the mission on Redcliffe from Lady Nightingale, I'll make sure each and every one of them is ready."

"Good. We need them at their best; they'll be our only chance at saving the Herald if our attempt at seizing the castle discreetly fails."

"I have reviewed the plan. It's risky but I believe it has a decent chance to succeed." Said Rylen, sounding confident. "We can trust Lady Nightingale's agents to do the job Commander."

"I'm more concerned about sending the Herald right in the lion's den!" Cullen said, rubbing at the back of his neck, unable to shake off his worries regarding Trevelyan's safety.

"I've read the report about that Magister and his cultists, these Venatori. They sure look dangerous and it's a good thing that we're going to deal with them. In any case, I've seen the Herald fight, seen her train with Lady Pentaghast sometimes, she's good! She'll be more than capable at facing the Magister."

"I know. Anyway, I'll need you to oversee the rest of the army while I'm gone. I'll be going to Redcliffe too. If something goes wrong I must be there to lead the attack."

"Of course Ser, I'll keep everything up and running while you're away."

Cullen had plain confidence in his second in command. Rylen had been an outstanding Templar in Starkhaven. He had led the relief effort sent to Kirkwall after the Chantry's explosion and Cullen had quickly established an efficient working relationship with the man. It was good to see him confident regarding the plan.

"I'm sure you will. There's another thing I need you to do, reach out to every connection you still have among the Templars, we have to try and convince some of them not to join the Lord Seeker."

"Aye. I've heard of the troubling things that are going on. I'll send words to whoever I can."

"Great, that will be all. I'll be at the Chantry if there's a problem."

"I'll make sure everything is ready for your depart Commander."

"Thank you Rylen. I'll see you in the morning."

Rylen gave him a salute and Cullen left the tent, walking away from the camp towards Haven. He hoped the men were ready. He hoped even strongly that they wouldn't be needed, that Leliana's agents would be enough to protect the Herald and prevent Gereon Alexius's trap from closing around her. He had to believe in their success. As the leader of the Inquisition's forces he couldn't let his men see his doubts, for their own faith in the mission would falter should their commanding officer show signs of hesitation.

Walking back to Haven he met Cassandra, also on her way to the village.

"I've heard that we'll be ready to depart in the morning?" She asked coming to a halt next to him.

"Yes, Leliana and I agreed that the sooner we strike, the better. More of these Venatori could gather at Redcliffe with each passing day. We need to stop them before they become a force we cannot match."

"Leliana told me that you plan on coming with us?"

Crossing her arms under her bust she studied Cullen with a piercing gaze. Many would have mistaken the Seeker's apparent coldness for a sign of distrust but Cullen's time in her company had taught him that it was more often out of concern.

"Yes. I'll feel better being the one to lead the rescue mission should our plan fail."

"In that case you should rest Cullen. The road to Redcliffe isn't a pleasant one, and you look like you haven't slept in days." He looked away for a moment and it was all that Cassandra needed to understand. "You haven't…"

"Barely." He sighed.

The nightmares were becoming worse. Lately his only solution had been to work till exhaustion and then pray to fall into a dreamless sleep. It had worked…For a time.

"It's the Lyrium, is it?"

"Yes. I… I just can't escape the nightmares now."

"I know it must be hard Cullen, but you need to find a way to take some rest, some real rest! Not a few hours snatched after working yourself to sleep. Have you talked to Adan? Maybe he'll have a potion that can help."

Cassandra was the only person who knew about his decision to stop taking Lyrium. Well, no that wasn't quite right, Leliana also knew, but only because it was nearly impossible to keep a secret from her. And the spymaster had never made any comment about it. Cassandra, on the other hand, had supported him from the start and her confidence in him, in his ability to face this trial and still be able to fulfill his duty, was reassuring.

"No I haven't. But you're right. I'll do it, I suppose it can't hurt."

He said, running a hand through his hair, still feeling the low pulse of a faint headache.

"And if you want one last advice, you should sort things out with the Herald. You two are giving each other a needless hard time!"

That last remark took him aback. And Cullen knew he failed at keeping his composure.

"Everything is fine with the Herald Cassandra." He said, trying to avoid the subject of his relation with Trevelyan.

"Everything is fine… that's what the two of you are saying. Yet you are still bothered and she couldn't walk out of the Chantry fast enough after your fight." She said squinting at him. "I know you Cullen, things aren't just as sorted out as you say they are."

"There's no need to worry about it. The mage rebellion is a touchy subject for Trevelyan but it's not because we fight this once that we won't be able to work together." He tried to sound dismissive, but the Seeker knew better.

"That's not it Cullen, you're evading the real point, just like she did." Cassandra said, sighing and looking a bit bored by his clumsy attempt at evading the subject. "I don't know what's going and you both are too stubborn for me to waste time trying to get it out of you. But I'll tell you this, you both have suffered because of the rivalry between mages and Templars, so try not to inflict that on each other!"

Not waiting for an answer Cassandra left Cullen to his thoughts, all for the better as no clever answer came to his mind. She was right, but it was also more complicated than she could imagine. Of course both their past and their suffering were getting in the way of building a real understanding and trust, and they had to find a way to no longer see the reflection of their own pains in each other. It was already hard enough just dealing with this. Dealing with feelings and his attraction to her was only making it worse. He had to find a way out of this situation.

Focusing on the task ahead and on the survival of everyone one in Haven, of his soldiers, was the only solution that came to his mind. He had always been able to put his duty before anything else, before his family, his friends… Even before the youthful desires he had once felt. He wasn't going to falter now.

Passing the training yard he caught sight of someone standing at the far end of the field: A silhouette standing against the faint light of a fading day. Trevelyan. She was facing away from him, gazing at the landscape, holding her coat close to her chest, her long brown hair looking almost black in the dying light.

For a moment Cullen wanted to join her, to know what she was thinking of while gazing at the frozen mountains. But he stopped himself before he could make a step towards her. Tearing his gaze away from her, he left. She was beyond his reach, and he couldn't let himself be distracted by her any longer. Duty had to come first.


	14. Chapter 14

If this was what the future would look like should the Breach remained, then she'd fucking had to find a way to close the damn thing once she'd be back to her own time, Alexis thought.

She was still having a hard time wrapping her head around everything that had happened in the last hours: the meeting with Gereon Alexius, the perfect intervention of Leliana's men. Everything was going according to plan! They had avoided the magister's trap while making sure he fell into their own. They had won. And that's when everything went crazy.

Now she had been thrown away in time with Dorian in a blighted version of Redcliffe Castle. It was a living nightmare. Red Lyrium growing everywhere, Venatori around every corner, prisoners locked in putrid cells, some alive, some dead. All of them had been driven mad, either by torture or because of the exposure to that damn red glowing stuff. She had found agents of the Inquisition among them, some of those who had helped her overthrow Alexius's men and rebel mages too. It was sickening. And while making their way through the cells, she had to fight the need to vomit several times, whether it was from the smell or from the sight, sometimes both at the same time. She had seen some horrible things in her life, but none ever compared to what she was witnessing now.

"We can wait a few minutes if you want."

"No, its fine Dorian, we have to get moving. The sooner we find Alexius, the better."

"You know I could not agree with you more, but you look awfully pale!"

"Well I'm sure it will improve once we find some of those Venatori, It'll add nice shades red." She said with a sly tone.

"Blood does fit quite nicely on you." Dorian grinned.

"Sure, next time I want to find myself a good looking guy to bring back home I'll try blood as a makeup!" She said sarcastically.

"Please, warn me if you do! I'd love to witness that."

Alexis rolled her eyes, it was impossible to win a stupid argument with the man. What felt even more impossible was his display of optimistic behavior, as if being thrown away in time in an apocalyptic future was like a walk in the royal palace's garden. It was certainly his way of coping with the situation Alexis thought, but in a way it helped her too. She would have lost more of her resolve and courage if Dorian hadn't been there throwing witty comments.

The Tevinter mage on her heels, she opened another door of the corridor they were in. The last ones had only held corpses in various states of decay and they weren't hoping for anything different here, but they had to search everywhere for evidences regarding when they were and what had happened. But what they found this time was very different.

"Is someone there?"

His voice was distorted but Alexis could still recognize it.

"Solas!"

She rushed to the cell at the far end of the room, discovering the elf locked inside. He was alive but not quite the same either, his eyes were glowing a dark shade of red, a shade alike the red lyrium.

"You're alive? We saw you die!" the elf stammered opening wide astonished eyes.

"The spell Alexius cast displaced us in time. We just got here, so to speak." Dorian said, joining Alexis who was already working on freeing the elf from his cell. Quickly the door opened and Solas walked out.

"Can you reverse the process? You could return and obviate the events of the last year. It may not be too late…"

A year? They had only missed a year? How could this place be so different in such a short amount of time? Still processing that information Alexis looked more closely at her friend, wondering what had happened to him.

"Oh, maker's breath Solas, you look bad, is there anything I can do to help?"

"I am dying but no matter. If you can undo this they can all be saved. But you know nothing of this world. It is far worse than you understand. Alexius served a master, the Elder One. He reigns now, unchallenged. His minions assassinated Empress Celene and used the chaos to invade the south. This Elder One commands an army of demons. After you stop Alexius, you must be prepared."

Alexis was amazed by Solas's calm. He didn't care for himself, his only real concern was the chance that she and Dorian could go back in time and prevent everything from happening. He surely had wrapped his mind around this time travel magic faster than she did.

"If we're to have our chance at defeating the Venatori paving the way to Alexius, we'll need help. I'll feel better if you come with us Solas" She said.

"If there is any hope, any way to save them… My life is yours. This world is an abomination. It must never come to pass."

"We'll do everything we can to make sure of that." Alexis said with a weak smile.

It was painful to see her friend in such a bad shape, but it felt good to have him back nonetheless.

They quickly searched the other cells in the room but found nothing and went back to the exploration of the level of the castle they were in. They went down a flight of stairs that led them to another hallway with more doors and cells.

"Do you have any idea of who else is here, or who might still be alive?" Alexis asked Solas.

"I'm afraid not. They captured everybody that was in the castle and in Redcliffe. I know there have been several attempts to retake the castle but all failed. I don't know who else they still hold captive here."

"I suppose it just means we'll have to continue this joyous exploration of the dungeons to find out!" Dorian said.

"And hope we find someone else alive! We'll need the help." Alexis concluded. She was torn apart between her desire to know what happened and the dread of finding out how horribly the person she knew had died.

Clinging on the hope of Dorian being able to reverse Alexius's spell, she opened another door, welcomed by the sound of a low humming. It was coming from the closest cell and was made by a crumpled figure sitting on the stone floor. As she approached, the glowing light emanating from a red Lyrium deposit lifted the mystery around the identity of the prisoner.

"Varric!"

"Andraste's sacred knickers. You're alive?" Alexis quickly undid the lock and freed the dwarf. "Where were you? How did you escape?"

"We didn't escape. Alexius sent us into the future." Said Dorian, providing the explanation.

"Everything that happens to you is weird Frostbite."

"You might be right about that Varric."

"I'm always right. And when I'm not, I lie about it. So what are you doing here? Or did you come back just to trade quips with me?"

It felt good to see that Varric was still the same crafty dwarf. Although, just like Solas, he wasn't in a good shape, red lyrium had clearly taken its toll on him too.

"We get to Alexius, and I just might be able to send us back to our own time. Simple, really." Dorian explained.

"That… may not be as easy as you think."

"The Elder One, yes."

"I see chuckles has already put you up to speed!" Varric said while giving the elf a small nod. "In any case Alexius is really not the one you need to worry about."

"I promise you Varric, we'll make sure none of this happens."

"I'm pretty sure you're crazy. Or I'm crazy. Either way, it's a nice thought. You want to take on Alexius? I'm in. Let's go."

"You know what Varric, crazy or not, I'm glad you're here."

With her team whole again, Alexis actually felt like their chances of taking down the magister and going back to her own time had greatly improved. After retrieving Solas's and Varric's gear, and letting the dwarf have a brief happy reunion with Bianca, they moved to the upper level of the dungeon.

Horror continued to be the only word in Alexis's mind. At one point they found Fiona, she was barely alive and red lyrium was growing from within her. The grand enchanter managed to tell them that it was the way they were using to spread the contagion, growing it from bodies than harvesting it to infest others. Fiona was nearly entirely consumed, her face distorted by it made it difficult for her to speak but she warned them, again about this Elder One, and she told them that Leliana was still imprisoned somewhere. It was the last thing she was able to say, the red lyrium having consumed too much of her body. Alexis ended her suffering. She had been mad at Fiona after their encounter at Redcliffe, but now, it felt like the mage had paid a price far too high for her error in judgment.

Driven by the urge of finding and freeing Leliana, Alexis led them forward. The few enemies they encountered on the way were quickly dealt with. None of them opposed a resistance matching her resolve and with Solas and Varric there again to watch their back.

They reached a part of the castle that had been repurposed in torture chambers. Once again, searching the rooms was like walking right into a living nightmare. There had been no limit to the cruelty and filthy imagination of the torturers.

Should their plan succeed, should she be able to go back to her own time and erase this blighted future, Alexis somehow knew that this glimpse of a possible future would haunt her nights. Trying not to focus on the dismembered or flayed bodies she continued to search this wing of the castle. They had to find Leliana and fast!

Finally, stepping up a flight of stairs, they heard her. Stopping herself from rushing to help the spymaster, Alexis peeked around the corner. There was a short flight of stairs leading to a hallway. The sounds were coming from the first door on the left. They could hear Leliana's voice and someone interrogating her. There was a guard outside the door and they had to deal with him without the person inside noticing.

"I go up, Varric you take down the guard and I grab him before he's fall warns anybody else."

"You got it Frostbite."

Alexis walked up to the guard, staying close to the wall. Behind her she heard the distinct click of Bianca's trigger and then felt the draft from the crossbow bolt. She rushed to reach the Venatori, already dead from the headshot, and grabbed him, breaking his fall.

"You will break!" Said a man's voice coming from the other side of the door.

"I will die first!" Was Leliana's response as Alexis opened the door gaining the attention of the man inside. "Or you will!" Bluntly stating that fact, Leliana wrapped her legs around the man's neck and snapped it.

"You're alive!" She added on a hushed tone as Alexis was taking the key to free the spymaster.

If Solas and Varric were in a bad shape, there was no word to describe how scarred and marked Leliana was. Alexis couldn't imagine the amount of torture she must have been through. Her face was barely recognizable.

"You're safe now" Alexis said, helping Leliana back on her feet as she was freed from her shackles.

"Forget "safe". If you came back from the dead, you need to do better than "safe". You need to end this."

Leliana gave them all en evaluating and quick glance then went to pick up a weapon.

"You… aren't curious how we got here?" Dorian asked, clearly surprised by the spymaster's demeanor.

"No."

She simply stated, but it didn't discouraged Dorian to give the explanation he was apparently craving to tell.

"Alexius sent us into the future. This, his victory, his Elder One, it was never meant to be."

"I'm so sorry for everything you suffered. But we have a chance to change this." Alexis said feeling bad about the situation and taken aback by the cold demeanor of the spymaster.

"We have to reverse his spell. If we can get back to our present time, we can prevent this future from ever happening." Dorian trailed on.

"And mages always wonder why people fear them… No one should have this power."

Leliana's tone was as cold as stone and Alexis flinched. The Leliana she knew, the one who hadn't spent a whole year at the hands of the Venatori had always been supportive towards the mages cause. Now, she had changed. But how blame her? It was a mage's doing after all. Alexis turned away, pretending to look around the room for something useful. How could you hope to fight for the right to be free when the only thing the world sees is the worst you have to offer? Behind her Dorian and Leliana were still talking, but Alexis was barely listening. The spymaster's words had hit far closer to home.

"It's dangerous and unpredictable. Before the Breach, nothing we did…"

"Enough!" Leliana said, cutting short Dorian's speech. "This is all pretend to you, some future you hope will never exist. I suffered. The whole world suffered. It was real."

Dorian found nothing clever to answer and fell silent. Having no part in the conversation, Solas went to Alexis' side.

"Don't lose hope now. These are merely the words of a broken soul."

"Thank you Solas." She said with a weak smile. From everyone she had encountered so far he was the one who seemed the less affected by the situation, and she wondered where had he found such a strength? Was it in the fade? Were his dreams keeping him sane somehow? A part of her was curious and wanted to know.

"We have to search the rest of this area." Leliana said, interrupting Alexis's trail of thoughts. "They're holding Cullen prisoner. And if we're lucky, he'll still be alive."

"Cullen is here?" Alexis asked turning to Leliana, a burst of mixed emotions suddenly taking over her. "But he wasn't in Redcliffe! He and his men's were supposed to wait outside and…"

"And launch a rescue mission should something go wrong. He did. And his men's were slaughtered. He led one of the assaults against the castle and was captured. I know they have him here somewhere, if they haven't killed him yet."

"Then we'd better get going." Alexis said, keeping her voice steady despite the turmoil ragging inside of her. She left the room, knowing the others would fall into her steps.

Since Dorian and her had been dumped into that filthy and flooded cell by Alexius's spell hours ago she hadn't got time to really think about the situation. Every steps and thought was focused on moving forward, killing Venatori, gathering information and trying not to dwell on the horrors she was witnessing. Finding Varric and Solas had been unexpected. Rescuing Leliana had been made in a rush and with the knowledge that she was alive.

But Cullen… Leliana wasn't even sure that he was alive. And if they hadn't seen him in the cells below, where was he being held? Was he also in one of those torture chambers? Alexis had already seen too many horrors for one day, for one lifetime even. The thought of Cullen chained and tortured was something weighing painfully on her. She was trying not to think about it, but it was hard not to listen to her rambling thoughts. Was he dead, or alive? Had he been tortured, and how? If they found him, would he be able to come with them? Had they broken him?

She was trying to deny it but she was feeling more nervous than before. More than anything else she was terrified to actually find him and discover what had happen to him. You really are stupid Alexis she said to herself, caring for him, you really should have stuck to the part where you found him handsome and nothing more. Well it was clearly too late for that.

Getting a hold of herself she went forward, opening a door then a second, finding no trace of a living soul or any evidence of the Commander's presence. She was also trying not to picture him in place of the bodies they found hanging in chains or bound to torture devices, dismembered, forgotten there to die and rot.

They had reached the far end of the corridor and there was only one room left before going to the upper level. Maybe he wasn't here after all thought Alexis, perhaps he was held somewhere else, and perhaps they hadn't tortured him. It was a fool's hope. Pretty much every Inquisition's member she had encountered had been tortured or locked up, many of them dead and consumed by the red Lyrium. How could the mighty Commander, who had lead an assault on the keep, have avoided that?

She opened the door and stepped inside, her gaze quickly scanning the room. And her heart skipped a beat.

"Cullen..."


	15. Chapter 15

"Cullen…"

Chains hanging from the ceiling were cuffed to his wrists and holding him above ground. His head down, he remained stock-still. Unconscious, his whole weight was resting on the iron handcuffs that were digging into his flesh. He was shirtless and barefoot. His torso was covered in bruises, burn marks, fresh cuts and old scars. His chains were secured onto a mechanism activated by a wheel used to pull him up and down. Seeing how many bruises he had, they probably used the damn thing to brutally make him fall to the ground to cause dislocated knees or shoulders, fractures even.

Alexis ran to him, fear tightening her throat. But closing the distance she could see his chest slowly rise and fall with a slow breathing.

"He's alive! Someone use the damn thing to pull him down! Dorian, help me hold him." Alexis ordered and everyone complied.

Solas slowly turned the wheel while Dorian and Alexis laid him on the ground and pulled the chains out from the hook. Cullen hadn't moved, hadn't reacted in any way. Alexis kneeled next to him and gently pulled his hair off his face. His once short and golden hair had grown longer and was falling to his eyes. His light stubble had also changed into a beard. There was a scar running along one of his cheek and his lips had been split a few times recently.

"Maker, what have they done to you."

Alexis whispered, assessing the rest of his wounds. She had no idea how extensive the damages were and she wasn't the best with healing magic but she had to give it her best shot. Closing her eyes she concentrated, letting the magic of her spell flow past her, waves of blue energy wrapping themselves around Cullen's body.

It lasted for several seconds and left her drained. She was lacking exercises with those kinds of spell and the energy needed to mend just a part of Cullen's wounds was way past what she usually healed. Yet it wasn't enough and he remained unconscious. Frustration and fear darkened her face.

"Perhaps he needs something stronger to help him wake up!" Dorian said, giving Alexis a health potion.

She mumbled a thank you and, gently pressing the vial to Cullen's lips, poured just a few drops of the liquid in his mouth. He lay still but the liquid in his mouth made him instinctively swallow. Encouraged by his reaction she continued to pour the potion drops at a time. It was half empty when Cullen started to react, his body tensing as he regained consciousness and his eyes slowly fluttered open.

Alexis handed the potion back to Dorian, waiting for Cullen to emerge.

"Cullen? Can you hear me? Cullen, it's Alexis, you're safe now!"

He was gradually becoming more aware of his surroundings and opened his eyes completely. Following the sound of Alexis's voice he turned his head towards her. But the instant he laid eyes on her, he was overcome with sheer rage. Before Alexis could even realize what was happening, Cullen, driven by the force of desperation, attacked her, knocking the breath out of her as he pinned her brutally to the ground with his body. In a swift move he wrapped the chains cuffed to his wrists around her neck and pulled hard. The chain tightened around her throat, digging into her flesh as he was strangling her.

"I'm going to kill you demon! You can no longer harm me using her. It doesn't work anymore! She's dead! Dead! And now it's your turn!"

Underneath him Alexis was already fighting for air, the cold metallic chains pressing hard into the soft skin of her neck. She was trashing against him trying to prevent him from crushing her throat. Rushing to her help, Dorian and Leliana pushed Cullen back, forcing him to release his grasp on Alexis who quickly freed herself from the chains.

Light headed and dark spots blinding her sight, she was left gasping. Her heart was beating so fast that it was almost painful. Solas and Varric came to help her. They made her sit down, slowly, while the two others were dealing with a Cullen still blinded by fury.

"Cullen it really is us! This isn't a nightmare, you're awake!"

Alexis heard Leliana say. Then their voices fell into the background as Varric crouched in front of her.

"Sure you're alright Frostbite?"

Alexis only nodded, her breathing still ragged. It took her a couple of minutes to recover her breath and for her heart to regain a slower pace. On the other side of the room things had calmed down, but Alexis couldn't tell what was going on. Solas and Varric were blocking the sight, probably shielding her from Cullen and any possible further outburst. Finally Dorian came back and, with Solas' help, Alexis rose to her feet.

"I believe the Commander is back to his senses. Although I'd keep a reasonable distance with the man if I were you." He said to her.

Giving Dorian a nod of acknowledgment she walked carefully towards Cullen and Leliana. He had his back to her and she could see that there was barely an inch of skin left untouched. Seeing some of the marks he had there gave her shivers. She could in no way compare it to the scars on her back but, the day she had gained them, along with the pain, was branded in her mind and flesh forever. How much suffering had he been forced to endure during this year, both physically and mentally? How could someone live through that and not be broken. Once again the only thing that kept Alexis going was the thought that she could erase all of that, go back to her time and prevent all this from ever happening.

Leliana had snapped at Dorian, saying that all this was just pretend to him, and from the beginning Alexis had guessed that it was his way of coping with the situation. But deep inside, it was the same for her, she had to cling onto the idea that somehow, this wasn't real, this wasn't her reality.

As she was approaching, Cullen and Leliana turned to face her. Still unsure about his reaction Alexis stopped, listening to Dorian's advice about keeping a reasonable distance, but she looked at him nonetheless. Strands of wavy blond hair were falling to his forehead and as stupid as the thought sounded right now, she could see why Varric had chosen curly has a nickname for him.

"It really is you. You're alive." He said huskily.

"Yes, it really is me." She answered on a cautious tone. "So it's good? You won't jump at my throat again?"

"No" He said with a sigh. "I'm sorry I wasn't…" He looked away, ashamed.

"It's fine Cullen. I'm fine."

He glanced back at her, unsure.

"Dorian said something about time magic?" he stammered wanting to change the subject.

"Yeah… I know it sounds crazy but Dorian and I just got here a few hours ago."

"So, that day, the day they said you died…" He said, his voice quavering.

"Was just a few hours ago for me and I didn't die, I was sent in the future, sent well… now. Probably by mistake, Dorian interfered with the spell."

"This is way past crazy." He said looking away from her. "Or what if… No." He sighed, cradling his head in one of his hands, the metal chains still holding his wrists making a rattling noise.

Despite her better judgment Alexis walked up to him and very carefully began to unlock the cuffs, causing Cullen to tense up.

"I'm just going to undo the lock." She said calmly and he extended his arms, letting her work.

She quickly freed him from the chains. His wrists were still badly injured, the cuffs had dug deep into his skin and it was all bruised and bloodied. Her spell had healed the more threatening injuries, but he was still in a bad shape. Cullen was letting his arms fall down on his sides when she caught his hands.

"Wait, we have to heal those wounds."

"I don't see the point any longer." He said on a bitter tone. "It's over, there's no longer anyone alive who can help. The Breach has swallowed everything. I'm afraid you've come only to witness the end of our world."

"I know, they told me about this Elder One and his demon army. But no Cullen it's not over! We have to get to Alexius. There's a good chance he still has the amulet that allowed him to cast the spell that brought me and Dorian here. If we take it from him we'll be able to go back. If I don't disappear in Redcliffe one year ago, then we can prevent all this from happening. And I need help to get to him, your help!"

Cullen was a man of purpose and action, and she hoped that giving him one again would call out to the strong and unbound spirit left in him.

"If there's any chance to prevent this from ever happening, we have to take it." He said looking at her.

"I was hoping you would say that." She smiled. "Now will you let us help you?"

Cullen nodded and she turned towards her others companions.

"Solas, do you think you can do it? I'm not sure my healing magic will be of any use after the last spell."

The elf nodded and walked to them.

"You're the one who healed me?" Cullen asked, puzzled.

"Yes. Not that I'm any good with it." Trevelyan said, stepping away from him to leave space for Solas.

Before Cullen could respond Solas was in front of him.

"Give me your hands and hold still." He said.

Cullen complied and the elf placed his hands around his wrists, careful not to touch him. He casted his spell, warm energy pulsed from his hands to heal the wounds. In a matter of seconds most of the torn skin was restored. But Cullen's injuries were deep and healing magic was no miracle. Nonetheless it relieved him from the pain and treated the most damaged parts. When it was done Solas stepped aside and Alexis gave him a bandage they had found in a Venatori supply cache.

"There. It's not much but it's all we can do for now." She said with a weak smile.

He took it and quickly covered his wrists with the bandage.

"It's more than sufficient."

Cullen said, avoiding her gaze and walking away from her. He quickly searched the room and found a crate where they had kept some of his gear, whatever the Venatori hadn't found of use. Cullen found his shirt and boots along with his armor. His first impulse was to take the metal plating, but after a second, he replaced it in the crate. After almost a year of imprisonment and torture his physical condition was no longer the one of the hardened warrior he once had been. His armor would only slow him down. And besides, he wasn't going into a fight from which he was planning to come back. If they were successful the last year would just vanished, if they failed, they were all as good as dead.

"You said something earlier." It was Alexis's voice, cutting him from his thoughts. "When I talked about time magic, as if there was something you knew about it."

"I know nothing about that" He said, putting on his boots. "But Alexius interrogated me on several occasions, and there was always something odd. He was paranoid and he kept asking questions about you. Sometimes the questions sounded like he considered you were still alive. I never understood why. But Alexius and the others, they were all obsessed with you and they…" Cullen sighed, running a hand in his now long hair. "They played tricks on my mind, used you to try and make me say things."

Alexis was beginning to understand Cullen's earlier reaction towards her. Why he had called her a demon and tried to kill her. It was sickening and the only thing that was keeping the sudden grief she felt at bay was the even stronger desire to see Alexius pay for his crimes. In this time and in the one she would get back to.

Cullen had put his shirt on and found a sword. He was as ready as he could ever be given the situation.

"We should go" he said, "we're a long way from the part of the Castle were Alexius usually stays."

"How far can it be? It's only one relatively big castle." Dorian said.

"Things have changed." Cullen answered his tone cold as ice. "You have no idea what the Breach has done to the world. But you'll see soon enough."

Strangely both Dorian and Alexis weren't too eager to discover the rest of the castle.


	16. Chapter 16

"Stop this Linnea, I don't want to hurt you!"

"You don't want to hurt me? Perfect it will only make hurting you easier! I don't know how you managed to get here but it doesn't matter. You won't go further and I'll be the one to deliver your dead body to the Elder One!"

They were making their way through the courtyard when they had encountered the Venatori patrol lead by Linnea. The former mage from Ostwick, who had been so glad of the bargain with Tevinter, obviously had found her own way into the world.

But despite her evident ill wise choice and now being a full-fledged member of the Venatori, Alexis couldn't just rush and attack her without even trying to talk some sense into her. She knew it was a fool's attempt, the girl had never listened to reason, becoming a fanatic couldn't have improved that, but she had to try nonetheless.

"You don't understand." Alexis said, her voice speaking a cold but harsh truth. "I don't want to hurt you but if you don't back down now I won't let you get away."

"You don't scare me Trevelyan! I am far more powerful than before!"

"You mere never a match to me Linnea, that's why you despised me so much in the circle. Whatever power you have gained now, it's not enough. Surrender!"

"Never!" the mage yelled. "Venatori, kill them, kill them all!" She ordered and the hooded silhouettes around her launched their attack.

Arrows and crossbow bolts from Leliana and Varric flew past Trevelyan and killed cultists before they could even start the fight. She trusted her comrade to take care of the rest and, spirit blade in hand, she used her magic to bend the fade around her and rushed directly to Linnea in one fade step.

Both mages had raised their barrier and the first hit of Alexis's sword failed to injure Linnea. And the mage spells failed to repel Alexis. But way more experienced in combat, Alexis's protection lasted longer and, as Linnea's barrier faltered she tricked her: she aimed her sword to the mage's side, forcing her to use her staff to protect herself from the blow and leaving an opening. Alexis spun around her and elbowed her before kicking the back of her knees, making her fall to the ground. Despite her position, Linnea continued to attack with all the magic she had. And she kept besting her but she wasn't landing any fatal blow, even if she could have done so times again.

At some point the sound of the fighting around them stopped and with a quick glance Alexis saw that all her companions had defeated their enemies. They all walked up and encircled the mage, cutting her from all possible retreats.

"It's over Linnea."

"It may be over, but at least I'll have the pleasure to know that you'll soon be dead, for good! The Elder One comes, and no one can resist him!"

"End this now." Leliana said.

"It's no use, she cannot harm us."

"End her now Trevelyan or I'll do it. There is no place and no time for mercy here." The spymaster said with a voice that made Alexis flinch. She had an arrow in her hand and it would only take her a second to land a dead shot.

Alexis hated the thought but Leliana was right. She could leave no threat alive behind her. But so far she hadn't found the resolve to kill her. She knew the girl and even if they never liked each other it suddenly made everything more real, the guilt of taking a life more tangible. Killing someone in a fair fight was one thing, and despite the lives she had already taken in the past, she had always found a way to justify the terrible outcome of these battles. But fighting someone you knew was different. And executing someone was even more horrible. Struggling between what had to be done and her moral compass she remained unable to choose an outcome.

"What Trevelyan, afraid of killing now?" Linnea scorned, glaring at her.

Grudgingly, Alexis took a step toward the mage, her spirit blade blazing to life in her hand.

"I can make this easier for you Trevelyan : Do you want to know what happened to the apprentices? I remember you helped Lydia trained them. Or perhaps it's Lara's fate you're interested in?"

"Shut up!"

Alexis hand was quivering, she needed to kill her, she had to do it for the sake of their mission, but if Linnea spoke, she could want to kill her, make her pay. Vengeance, especially one she could so easily dismiss once she'd be back to her own time, was a path far too dangerous to succumb to. And it would be so easy to forget. After all, once she would be back, it would be as if nothing happened, as if she hadn't taken all those lives. It would be easy to believe that all this wasn't real, as if nothing but a twisted dream.

"So you don't want to know? I'll tell you anyway. I…"

Linnea never finished that sentence. The spirit blade, an edge sharper than any metal, cut through her throat's flesh as if it was nothing but thin air. And the life bled out of her in a matter of seconds. Her body collapsed to the floor and Alexis walked away, away from the proof of her own ruthlessness, away from the looks of her companions. Would they show pity or understanding she wanted neither.

The spirit blade faltered and she lodged the hilt into its casing on her armguard. Walking quickly she made sure to keep a small distance with the others. Her hands were still shaking from what she had just done, and she felt nauseated. The image of her blade cutting through Linnea's throat as she was helpless on the ground kept flashing in her mind, making her sick. She was shaken and scared and she couldn't afford to be any of those things right now. There was no time for that and no time for her companions to be concerned about her. She had to remain strong, for them, for their mission. But the more she was pushing aside her fears the more it kept assaulting her. The lives of all the people lost to this madness depended on that, on her. The lives of her companions and friends…Linnea had mentioned Lara, so she was with the rebel? She had to be, why mention her otherwise? Perhaps, once she would be back, she could look for her? As quickly as the thought came to her mind she pushed it aside. No, they were no longer friends since the rebellion at the circle, and years spent on different path would be between them forever now.

Alexis closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She couldn't lose time thinking about the past, she had to move forward. She was still gathering her thoughts when a hand pressed to her shoulder made her jump back to the present.

"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you."

"It's fine Cullen." She said with a sigh

"I know a few words won't make up for what you had to do. And I won't say that you will forget someday. You probably won't. But every life you will have saved will be worth it. Hers included. "

"I know that with that stupid twisted logic of time magic she will be alive once I'm back but… I could have let her go." She said biting her lips.

"That's not true Trevelyan and you know it. Even as harmless as she may have looked like, she was a threat. And we just couldn't leave that behind us. Sometimes even what seems to be a small and meaningless person can be the difference between failure and victory. I've seen it happen before. I've seen you make that kind of difference before."

He smiled to her. Indeed a few words couldn't make up for what just happened, but they helped, more than Cullen could imagine. He walked away as Leliana and Solas were passing by them and Trevelyan couldn't help the small grin that tugged at the corner of her lips.

"You know Frostbite, you should kiss the man already." Varric said with a crafty smirk.

"What?" She looked, puzzled, at the dwarf.

"Yeah, at least that way, if we succeed it will be as if nothing happened, and you go back to the time were you can pretend that you don't pine for the guy! And if we lose, you can die with the taste of his lips on yours."

"That… sounded like something out of "Swords and Shields"." Trevelyan said frowning and holding back a smile.

"It doesn't make it less true" He smirked.

She sighed, rolling her eyes. Damn Varric for pointing out such a thing. Now she had really distracting thoughts in her head.

* * *

"We should rest a moment." Cullen said to Trevelyan. "Besides you and Dorian, none of us are in a good shape right now."

They had reached the main wing of the castle and the hall was not far away. They had run into several fights along the way and the Commander was right, none of her former comrades were physically the same as before. They needed to regain some strength before taking on Alexius.

"Alright." She said with a small nod. "We stop here for a moment, take all the rest you can get." She added for the others.

They all welcomed the break, even Leliana who, more than the others, was hiding signs of weakness and fatigue. She went to watch the path before them, sitting on the floor her bow and arrow in her lap. Varric and Dorian went to sit in a corner of the room talking, while Solas, leaning against a wall his eyes closed, seemed to meditate.

Cullen sat against a crate and laid his sword beside him. He was already feeling sore from the fighting and he hoped his body wouldn't betray him when they would face the magister. All these years as a Templar, and the only thing that had never failed him was his body, his strength. His mind was another matter, but his skills as a fighter had always been as sharp as a new blade. He remembered the man he was a year ago. That man would have gone through all these fights without weariness in his sword arm or tired legs. All that he had been was long gone now, but the man he was could live again, have another chance. He sighed, chasing these bad thoughts and looked at Alexis. Once again she was their only hope.

She had loosened her hair and was trying to bring some order to the long unruly strands. He had forgotten her, the real her. For months now the only thing that had been left of her image had come from the torture they had put him through. But now he remembered, and he remembered the feelings she had elicited in him.

She had finished combing her hair and had secured them in a well-knotted yet untidy bun. Small locks were escaping the lace to gracefully fall on her neck or frame her face. She was a strange sight, her outfit composed of knee high boots and black pants. Underneath her coat she was wearing an armor made of thin leather. The coat was left open and she held it in place by buckling her belt around it and strapping a sash around her waist. Not the way someone would describe a mage. But she was as much a mage as a fighter. Perhaps she was not the prettiest sight, and not the prettiest she could be given the filth and blood that was on her, yet she still had that thing about her that made it hard for Cullen to look elsewhere.

"You should sit down and rest." He said to her, seeing her still standing, her body tense.

"Yeah, you're probably right. I'm just feeling restless right now." She said with a sigh sliding down on the floor next to him. Wrapping her arms around her knees she laid her head against the crate behind her and closed her eyes.

"I'm sorry."

She said and Cullen looked at her.

"For what?" Cullen asked, quirking a brow at her.

"That you…that all of you had to go through this." She said while opening her eyes, fixing them on the ceiling.

"This isn't your fault."

"It is. I have made the decision to come despite the odds."

"I remember us having an argument about that. And I also remember agreeing with the decision."

"But you were right. I failed, I failed you all." She said looking at him, guilt tearing at her.

Cullen chuckled at the irony of the situation.

"If I have understood that time travel thing correctly, you haven't failed anything… Yet. If you go back and stop Alexius, our plan will have worked!"

"How can you say it like that? How can you be so calm after everything that happened?"

Bewilderment was playing on her face, betraying her emotions. For Cullen things were clear: he had witnessed, helpless, the end of their world. He was broken, body and soul and nothing could change that. The only thing, the only last hope that was giving him enough strength to fight, was Trevelyan and the chance she could make it back and change everything.

"Look at me Alexis" Cullen said on a soft voice. "I'm already dead. The hope that you can change the past is the only thing that keeps me, and the others, standing. As for what happened, you can see that it's better that I, or that this version of me, never existed."

She wanted nothing more than to come back to her time and ensure that none of this ever happened. This blighted world couldn't be allowed to exist. From the moment she had been dropped in this future the very thing that had kept her going despite all the horrors was the knowledge that she could change everything and erase the suffering it had caused. Looking at Cullen made it hard to keep an emotional distance with this future. He was very much real and alive to her, perhaps no longer the Cullen she knew, but he was real nonetheless.

"You will have existed… I'll remember."

He smiled weakly to her. How could he make her understand that he had come to terms with his own death long ago and that the hope she carried was the only thing he needed to face it serenely?

"Living in your memory is better than living this life to its bitter end. And I don't want it to be a weigh you'll have to carry. Your burden is heavy enough without it. Besides, I'm the one who should be sorry."

She quirked a brow at him and Cullen gently placed his hand on her neck. He slowly brushed her skin where the chains had dug into her flesh and, under his fingertips, he felt her pulse quicken.

"Not going to strangle me again, are you?" She said, mocking him with that teasing tone he had missed.

"No, don't worry. But I'm afraid I have left you a nasty bruise to go along with the memories."

"I believe I can live with that, you don't have to feel sorry."

She wanted to add that she understood. If someone had toyed with her mind, who knew what she could possibly have done? Probably the same as he did, possibly worse. There was no need to remind him of what he had suffered, the scars she had seen on his body, the one carved in his cheek were enough tokens of the torture they had put him through.

He had changed so much from the Cullen that had looked at her, serious and tense, reminding her to be careful as she left to meet with Alexius. The biggest change being that he was more disheveled than her for once, with his longer hair and a beard. He was but a shadow of the man she had last seen hours ago.

His hand was still on her shoulder, his thumb lightly stroking the exposed skin of her neck. Meeting his gaze, seeing the fire that was still lighting the amber of his eyes brought back the memory of what she had felt just a few days ago in the war room. And despite how much she wanted to bury those feelings, she cared for him.

But there was no time to dwell on repressed feelings and she once again pushed aside that part of her that was yearning for more. She looked away and Cullen slowly removed his hand from her neck.

"You should rest while you can." He said softly. "You probably won't get much once you'll be back to your time."

She sighed, giving him a nod and closed her eyes once more as her head came to rest against the crate. The day was far from over and she was already drained both physically and emotionally. She had to regain strength. She had to ensure the success of their mission. Too much was at stake.

Overwhelmed by her weariness and the heaviness of her thoughts she quickly fell into a light slumber. Her head was slowly falling down to her chest and trying to make her more comfortable Cullen pulled her against him, sliding his arm around her shoulders. Still asleep Alexis leaned against him. Finding comfort in feeling the weight of her body against his, he closed his eyes, resting his head against hers. It wasn't long before he also fell asleep.


	17. Chapter 17

"Watch your back! Another wave of demon is coming through!" Alexis shout at her comrades.

They had engaged Alexius and the magister's defenses were slowly wearing down, but every time they were close to land a final blow the scoundrel would shelter himself behind a strong barrier and demons would pour out of a rift. It was the third, and hopefully the last, they were facing.

The rage demon she was facing now had reeled back from the reach of her spear and she casted an icing spell on it, chilling it to his very core and it shattered in frozen pieces. Feeling a presence on her back she spun around, taking hold of her spirit blade and with one swift move she sliced in half the demon threatening her. She quickly glanced around her. No more demons in her immediate surroundings and her companions were dealing with the rest of them.

"Watch out!" Cried out by Varric was her only warning. But even then it was not enough. The Terror jumped out of the ground just below her feet and Alexis fell on the floor, crushed down by its foul magic. Dizzy from the shock she dropped her spear and, while still holding tightly to the hilt of her blade, its magic had faltered for now.

Coming back to her senses she saw the Terror plunging his taloned limb towards her. Acting on mere instinct she raised her arm to protect herself, summoning her powers. In the blink of an eye, ice spread out from her arm and weaved into a shield. The claws ripped on the ice and Alexis rolled on the floor to evade the demon's next attack. It reeled around her and attacked again. She raised her shield and slammed it into the beast's legs that jumped back, wounded. Alexis was already standing up, one knee to the ground when the demon launched itself back at her. She only got the time to raise her ice shield once again. The creature bashed into her defenses, smashing the shield to pieces. Shattered shards of ice fell around her as she hit the ground, the shock knocking the breath out of her.

White dots playing before her eyes she realized the demon was onto her, pinning her down. She tried to move away, but she didn't react fast enough. The Terror plunged his talon aiming to her face. In a last attempt to defend herself she kicked the blighted creature and, losing balance, its attack missed her throat, and dug into her shoulder.

Alexis cried out from the pain. Invigorated by the suffering he had just inflicted the demon readied itself to lash out at her again. But before he was able to hurt her further, he was violently knocked back and the claw tore at Alexis's flesh as it left her shoulder. She gasped, her sight blinded for a few seconds. When she came back to her senses, she saw Cullen, standing before her, shielding her from the demon.

She barely registered what happened but after seconds of a brutal fight Cullen swung his sword and the demon's head left its shoulders. The demon's corpse vanished, swallowed back to the fade and Cullen was on one knee next to her.

"Come, you have to close that rift."

He slipped his arm around her waist, helping her up. Alexis gritted her teeth, the sting from the wound in her shoulder radiating through her arm and chest.

"Damn it! Why did that nug humping blighted demon had to go for the left arm." She hissed when trying to raise the mark towards the rift.

"Never imagined I'd say that one day but, I've missed your bad mouth Trevelyan." Cullen said with a grin.

"I'm just getting started!"

Wincing in pain she finally managed to raise her arm and energy flowed from the mark to close the rift, sending jolts that lit her nerves into a burning fire. A groan escaped her lips and Cullen tightened his grip on her.

Finally the rift closed and the shield powered by the demonic energy protecting Alexius vanished. The magister was no longer in a position to win the fight. He was surrounded by Varric and Leliana, both threatening him with arrows pointing at his head.

"Hand over the amulet and I'll grant you a quick death."

Alexis said, walking towards him slipping away from Cullen's hold on her.

"My death no longer matters. Only yours can erase my failures!"

The magister gripped his staff in one hand, blade upfront, and threw it towards Alexis. At the same time Leliana and Varric shot their arrows. Alexis tried to create a barrier to protect her but she had nearly consumed all her resources during the fight. Her defense was weak and she pulled to the veil with all that she had left. But before her spell could work she was pushed aside and fell on her knees.

At the same time Bianca's bolt and Leliana's arrow punctured the magister's heart and bore a hole in his head. He was dead before his body hit the ground.

Then, Alexis heard a muffled growl and the clattering of a staff that falls to the ground. She looked up at Cullen. His hands were clutched to his abdomen, blood forming a stain on his shirt that grew larger with each passing second. And he fell.

"No!"

Alexis shout, rushing to his side despite the pained it elicited from her wounds. She eased him on the ground as best she could, his legs no longer carrying him. She lifted his shirt to assess his wound. The gash was deep… Too deep.

"You stupid man! Why did you do this, I wasn't going to get hurt!"

"I couldn't take the risk. You're too important."

"Nonsense."

She mumbled, placing her hands on his wounds and pulling at the veil with her last strength she tried to heal him.

"Don't…" Cullen said, taking hold of her hands "It's no use Alexis. You must keep your strength."

"Cullen If I don't…"

She felt her throat tightened, choking her last words.

"I told you before. I am already dead."

A tired smile played on his lips. And Alexis couldn't accept his resignation, it was too hard to witness life pouring out of his body as blood dripped out of his wound. She shook her head, tears filling her eyes. He cupped her cheek in his hand, his touch inviting her to meet his gaze.

"Can you do something for me Alexis?"

"Anything you ask."

"Once you will be back, when you see me, tell me…" he paused, pain ripping through his body. "Tell me that I am not my duty. I'll understand…"

His breath was becoming shallow and he slowly lost all feeling in his limbs. His hand slipped away from Alexis's cheek and she gently took hold of it, lacing their fingers.

"I will." She promised.

Life was leaving him, his breath faint and all strength now gone from his body. His amber eyes were still locked on her but his gaze was now slowly turning to the fade. Alexis couldn't tell what came over her, nor how she remembered the words, but there were on her lips before she could think.

"I am not alone. Even  
As I stumble on the path  
With my eyes closes, yet I see  
The Light is here

Draw your last breath, my friend.  
Cross the veil and the Fade and all the stars in the sky.  
Rest at the Maker's right hand,  
And be forgiven."

As the last word from the Chant died on her lips, so did he.

She leaned towards him and laid a kiss on his forehead as a lonely and silent tear fell from her eyes.

Becoming aware of the presence of her other companions, she stood up. Looking at Leliana Varric and Solas, she realized that they would be next. Whatever happened, their life would soon end. That harsh truth hanged between them in a painful silence.

She couldn't bear this any longer, this had to stop before she broke. Taking a hold of herself she looked at Dorian. The mage was holding the amulet taken on Alexius's body.

"Dorian, time to go home."

He simply acknowledged her words with a nod. As she walked to join him, the wound in her shoulder sent a jolt of pain along her arm and Alexis winced. No time and no magic left to heal. She snatched the last poultice they had gathered and applied it on the wound, keeping it in place with a bandage. No doubt that she was a poor sight. She was covered in blood and filth, her own blood, Venatori blood, Cullen's blood. It was on her face from when his hand had cupped her cheek, on her own hands… And there was the bruise around her neck. Yep… no chance she could lie about her time travel trip being nice and cozy.


	18. Chapter 18

"You move and we all die!" Dorian shouted as she was taking a step towards Leliana.

The Elder One was here, somewhere close, his horde of demons swarming through the castle. Varric and Solas had already given their lifes defending the doors, buying Dorian time to cast the spell. Leliana was the only one left to keep their enemies at bay as they bolstered into the room. The rogue was now making her last stand, drawing her last arrow.

Alexis was torn apart. Her instincts were screaming at her to go and help the spymaster while her reason was keeping her firmly right at Dorians's side. Fighting now meant not going back to her time, meant losing all hope at saving everyone's lives. She stood her ground as Leliana was overrun. Behind her, the swirling vortex of Dorian's spell appeared from thin air. Her heart was beating so hard in her chest and every second she had to refrain herself from rushing to help the spymaster.

She saw the terror ripped Leliana open. Then the spell engulfed her and Dorian and in the blink of an eye the future was gone.

They were back merely seconds after Alexius had cast his spell. The shock on the magister's face was almost a pleasing sight. He stepped back, fumbling, as Trevelyan walked up to him, gauging him with eyes that could kill. Stunned by her gaze, the magister fell to his knees, vanquished before the fight even begun.

"You'll have to do better than that!" Dorian said sounding both carefree and haughty, mocking his former mentor.

"Yes go ahead, show us what you've got left!"

Scorned Trevelyan, her voice sharper than a knife. A part of her wanted Alexius to fight her, to give her a reason to beat the void out of him and make him pay for everything she had seen in that future. A future that was his doing. But he had already given up, and so she silenced her need for revenge. You don't strike down a man who has already lost. Despite the rage boiling inside of her, she hanged onto that thought.

"You won, there is no point extending this…charade." Alexius said, all sense of hope gone. "Felix"

He looked up at his son who came beside him.

"It's going to be alright father."

"You'll die."

"Everyone dies."

As touching at this exchange was, Trevelyan was in no mood for emotional confessions. She motioned inquisitions agents and they quickly came to take the magister away, Felix following in their steps. They finally left the room and Alexis felt like she could breathe again. It was done, the mission was a success.

Around her Leliana Varric Solas Fiona and the other soldiers present in the room were giving her puzzled looks. They did had seen her disappear and reappear in a matter of seconds, except that she was now wounded and covered in an unpleasant mix of blood and dirt. As much questions this strange situation was raising, she wasn't eager to answer them. Yet it was a relief to see them all alive and safe.

"Well I'm glad that's over with." Dorian said as he came to her side, voicing her very thoughts.

And that's when the main door flew open and a full squad of armed guard stepped into the hall, on a military walk.

"Or not." Dorian said as Alexis threw him a glance. He looked as happy as her to see that, no, it wasn't over just yet.

The soldiers came to a halt, forming two lines going all the way to the doors, and a man walked in. Tall, short blond hair, looking as confident as if he owned the place.

"Grand Enchanter, imagine how surprised I was to learn you'd given Redcliffe Castle away to a Tevinter magister." The man said, his voice conveying as much authority as sarcasm.

"King Alistair!" Fiona said, stumbling on every step she made towards the man.

So that was Alistair, king of Ferelden and hero of the fifth blight. Well, he did own the place somehow, Alexis thought, studying him discreetly. Of course she had heard many tales about him. Stories of the royal bastard and grey warden that came to be king had widely spread during the ten years of his reign. She had heard many of them, but meeting the man in person was something else entirely.

"Especially since I'm fairly sure Redcliffe belongs to Arl Teagan."

The conversation between the king and Fiona trailed on and Trevelyan was somehow glad that the attention was no longer on her. It gave her all the time she needed to assess the situation. She wasn't expecting any threats from the king or his soldiers, but something was about to happen.

"Your Majesty, we never intended…"

"I know what you intended. I wanted to help you, but you've made it impossible." Alistair cut Fiona short, his tone serious but it felt like this situation was paining him. "You and your followers are no longer welcome in Ferelden."

And that was it, the moment Alexis was waiting for.

"But… we have hundreds who need protection! Where will we go?"

Fiona was in distress and the king's words were final, it was the opening she needed. Quickly walking to them, Alexis invited herself into the conversation.

"I should point out that we did come here for mages to close the Breach." She said, sounding confident despite how not presentable she was at the moment, still covered in blood and filth.

"And what are the terms of this arrangement?" Fiona asked

"Hopefully better than what Alexius gave you. The Inquisition is better than that, yes?"

Dorian, her savior! At least he was still looking charming and handsome, especially compared to her disheveled wounded poor self. Agreeing with Dorian's words she saw Cullen and Cassandra walking into the room, accompanied with a handful of inquisition soldiers.

Relief washed over Alexis the second she caught side of Cullen. She damn well knew he was alive, but the last she had seen of him in the future was something hard to forget. It was good to see him again, whole and well.

Tearing her gaze away from him she looked back to Fiona. There was only one thing she could do regarding the mages. That much had been clear for some time now.

"It seems we have little choice but to accept whatever you offer." The Grand Enchanter said, sounding on edge.

"Indeed, you don't have much choice… But I'll give you one nonetheless. Join the Inquisition. Become our allies and prove to everyone that you acted for the safety of Thedas."

"A generous offer. But will the rest of the Inquisition honor it?"

"The Breach threatens all of Thedas. We cannot afford to be divided now. We can't fight it without help, a help all the rebel mages could become."

Alexis could already hear the recriminations some would voice regarding her decision, but they could all go to the Void. The leaders of the Inquisition were already relying on her to make the decisions they couldn't agree on. This time she was just ahead of them.

"I'd take that offer if I were you." Alistair said. "One way or another, you're leaving my kingdom."

Her head down, guilt a clear emotion on her face, Fiona kept silent a few seconds. The king's words were, for a strange reason, really hitting her hard. Finally she looked back at Trevelyan.

"We accept. It would be madness not to. I will gather my people and ready them for the journey to Haven. The Breach will be closed. You will not regret giving us this chance."

"One last thing Fiona… As our allies you'll need to establish a clear and functioning…" Alexis stressed that last word "hierarchy, and not one where you alone take decisions. I won't stop bothering you until it's done, I promise that. What happened here can't be repeated"

"I suppose I deserve your distrust regarding my leadership. Very well Herald of Andraste, I'll do what you asked."

She bowed her head to the king and left. When she crossed path with Cassandra and Cullen Alexis glanced at them. If she was wondering about those voices not agreeing with her decision, she just had found two. Cassandra was in no way trying to hide how unhappy she was and Cullen… She felt her gut sank when she met Cullen's eyes, he had never been so serious, nor his face so blank. This wasn't good.

"So you're the Herald of Andraste."

Alistair said, offering her a much needed escape.

"Yes, your Majesty. It's an honor to meet you. Although you'd have to excuse my outfit, I wasn't planning on meeting royalty when I came here to confront the magister."

"Don't be! By the look of it I should be pleased that you have spared me the delight of fighting disgusting and filthy things to retake the castle." He said, with a discreet smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

"Oh I'm sure you would have liked it Alistair, it would have been like old times." Leliana said having joined them, making no effort in hiding the fact that she was teasing the king.

"Leliana, long time no see."

"Things have been quite busy as you can imagine. Things that could have been dealt with earlier should "Someone" haven't decided to go alone in the wild and vanish."

"You know as well as me that when Elissa has something on her mind there's no tearing her away from it. I'm the king, and her husband, and even I cannot do a thing about it. She'll come around Leliana, but she has her own mission to fulfill."

Alexis remembered both of them had been companions of the Hero of Ferelden during the blight and the Hero had become Alistair's queen shortly after. Alexis also remembered Cassandra saying that they had sought her help for the Inquisition but when they went looking for her, she had been missing for some time.

"I hope you're right Alistair."

"I am! I fear to think otherwise."

The old friends exchanged a worried look, both clearly dreading for the life of the person they hold dear.

"I understand. Well, you'll have to excuse us, there's much we still need to do. Especially now since we have to arrange the travel of the mages to Haven." Leliana said glancing at Trevelyan.

The look the spymaster gave her was way more encouraging than the ones she had received from Cullen and Cassandra. Nonetheless Alexis was in no mood or state to deal with that right now. The day had taken its toll on her. She was exhausted and the wound on her arm was draining the last strands of her resolve.

Bowing her head and bidding farewell to the king, she followed Leliana, the rest of the inquisition falling into their steps.

"What were you thinking?" Were the first words Cassandra said to her once they were all outside and out of earshot of the king and his soldiers.

"Securing allies to close the Breach, that's what I was thinking!" she said, already unnerved by a conversation she was in no condition to have.

"You should have..."

"Enough!" Alexis snapped turning towards them. "I won't have this conversation now, or any other conversation regarding mages, Inquisition, and all the nonsense that I had to went through for the last day! Yes day!" She was nearly screaming right now, no longer caring who could hear her. "You were all here minding your own business when I had to deal with the fucking time magic of that blighted son of a bitch of a magister! And you know what? It's touching to see you all concerned about a decision that, in the end, you would have asked me to take! So if you're not happy, you can go to the Void and complain there because right now, I don't give a damn about it!"

When she had finished yelling they were all looking at her, frozen and an awkward silence fell. She couldn't deal with all this shit right now, she wanted to crawl away in some black hole and disappear for days. She just wanted to forget the pain, forget everything that she had seen.

Defiance was her last resource, the last thing keeping her standing and able to face the stares they were giving her. She caught Cullen's eyes and held his gaze for a moment and she saw the expression on his face change. Cracks appeared on his serious expression as he was realizing how bad her condition was. His mouth bobbed open and close a few times, trying to voice his fears regarding the state of her injuries. But someone else broke the silence before he found the words.

"Sweetheart, you're bleeding again. And you're quite frankly all too covered in blood already." Dorian said. "Perhaps we should find some place to tend to your wounds because that demon clearly did a good job on your shoulder. And have you cleaned up also, before someone mistakes you for a blood mage."

"You are a sunshine Dorian." She said, unable to help a smirk.

She also gave her shoulder a quick look. He was right, the wound had reopened and her bandage was now soaked in blood.

"Shall we go?" He said, coming next to her and offering his arm.

"Not afraid I'll ruin your nice outfit with all the blood?" She teased while happily leaning on him as they slowly walked away.

"Alexis, my dear, given all the filthy things that we have crossed and killed and ripped apart in this utterly delightful future and that have landed on my charming self… this outfit is already ruined."

"Sorry Dorian, I'll try to take you some place nice next time!"

"Promise that it will be civilized and have good wine and you've got yourself a date."

This banter with Dorian was all she needed. It was something silly to grasp on and keep her mind away from everything else. She needed to keep her thoughts busy, not let them drift away into the future Redcliffe, nor think about the inevitable conversation she would have with Leliana Cassandra and… Cullen.

She only had to close her eyes to see him die again, see his face when she had offered the alliance to mages. She remembered the promise she had made to him, the future him. _I'm not my duty_ , those words echoed again in her mind. She couldn't grasp the entire meaning of what this simple phrase could be to him, and right now she didn't cared. She didn't want to think about him. All she wanted was to escape. Escape the trying talks about the mission, escape the fears and memories… escape her feelings.

She looked up at Dorian and wondered where he could find the strength to support her after everything they had been through. The burden of the memories from this future was also his to carry. And somehow, it felt good not to be alone with it. She leaned her head against his shoulder as he was walking her to the inquisition's camp. After this blighted day, there was no doubt Dorian Pavus had become one of her most precious ally.


	19. Chapter 19

_I don't want to go in there, I don't want to go in there_ was the litany she kept repeating in her mind. During the trip back to Haven she had managed to avoid all matters of conversation regarding Redcliffe. Except for the brief exchange she had with Leliana around the campfire about the future and the Elder one. Riding ahead, accepting only the presence of Varric Solas and Dorian at her side, she had made sure to keep everyone else at a distance, delaying the painful meeting as long as she could.

Now that everyone one was back, it was no longer possible. She had been called to the war room, and had painstakingly made her way to the Chantry. She was still outside and, from what she was already hearing, the leaders of the Inquisition hadn't made it to the war room before starting arguing. Gritting her teeth and knowing she could no longer avoid the meeting, she grudgingly opened the door and stepped inside.

She knew it was going to be painful. The worst part was facing Cullen. She had done her best to avoid him so far. The look he had given her in Redcliffe was still feeling like a fresh burn. Worse even was that she was torn apart every time she caught sight of him, remembering the moment he had died in her arms in the future.

"It is not a matter for debate. There will be abominations among the mages, and we must be prepared!"

Those words from Cullen hit her hard and she stopped dead in her tracks as if she had just been slapped. She hadn't opened her mouth yet and already wanted to scream. Taking a deep breath, trying to keep a neutral face she silently walked to join them.

"If we rescind the offer of an alliance, it makes the Inquisition appear incompetent at best, tyrannical at worst." Josephine said, standing up to the Commander with her political views of the situation.

"What were you thinking, turning mages loose with no oversight? The Veil is torn open!" He heatedly threw at Alexis the moment she arrived.

"We need allies to close the Breach. It's not going to work if we make enemies of them." She said coldly, crossing her arms under her chest.

"I know we need them for the Breach, but they could do as much damage as the demon themselves! How many lives will be lost if even some of them fail to remain in control? With the Veil broken, the threat of possession…"

There was more concern and fear in his voice than anger but Alexis no longer cared.

"So that's what you believe?" She said, cutting him mid-sentence, rage trembling in her words. "That all mages are just abominations in waiting?"

"That's not what I meant."

"Oh yes it is Commander! "It's not a matter for debate, there will be abominations"? Your words! Honestly, I'm curious" she trailed on, her tone sarcastic. "How can the rebel mages have handled themselves during the last couple of years? Hundreds of them gathered in one place, and no Templars to save them! It's a miracle they are still alive! That they have not all turned into abominations or have been wiped out by one left loose! Really I just don't know how they have been able to manage." She mocked.

"Enough arguing!" Said Cassandra on a calm yet commanding tone. "None of us were there." She added looking at both Cullen and Josephine. "We cannot afford to second-guess our people. The sole point of the Herald's mission was to gain the mage's aid, and that was accomplished."

Alexis was more than astonished by the Seeker's words. She had imagined Cassandra would have questioned her decision. Seeing the she was actually defending her was very strange and yet comforting. She may not completely approve of Alexis's decision, but at least she recognized that she had the courage to take one when it was needed.

"The voice of pragmatism speaks! And here I was just starting to enjoy the circular arguments."

Dorian, emerging from behind a pillar, burst into the conversation with his usual style and charm, and his taste for dramatic entrances.

"Closing the Breach is all that matters." Cassandra said while glancing to the Tevinter mage.

"The longer the Breach is open, the more damage it does. We should head there as soon as possible. I have seen what it could cause to the world! And believe me, you don't want to witness that!"

Trevelyan tried to sound confident despite the fear that was twisting her stomach. Now that she had seen what could happen, the subject was making her skin crawl.

"We should look into the things you saw in this "dark future". The assassination of Empress Celene? A demon army?" Leliana said, still bewildered by what Alexis had revealed to her.

"Sounds like something a Tevinter cult might do. Orlais falls. The Imperium rises. Chaos for everyone!" Dorian stated as if speaking of the latest fashion in Val Royeaux.

"One battle at a time." Cullen said. "It's going to take time to organize our troops and the mage recruits. Let's take this to the war room. Join us." He added, looking at Alexis with a small smile. "None of this means anything without your mark, after all."

Cullen was clearly making a step towards her with this invitation. He was no deceptive man, and she believed it was a genuine attempt at smoothing over the things they had said to each other. But she was still angry at him, or perhaps disappointed was the right word. For it seems that mages were just mages to him, not people. And so she was just that, a mage, with a magical mark on her hand needed to close the Breach.

The thought hurt. Perhaps it was for the better, pain would help erase the other feelings. In time it would dull any desire or attraction she felt for him.

Slapping a fake but convincing smile on her face she answered him.

"And there goes away my nap. I had hoped that for once, I wouldn't look like a ghoul in the morning. I'm starting to run low on makeup, and don't get me started on the bruises I have to cover up."

She ran a hand on her throat, where the large and nasty bruise circling her neck was slowly turning from purple to yellow.

"What is it they say? "No rest for the wicked"?" Cullen joked. "But don't worry, you really don't look like a ghoul, even with the bruises."

He smiled to her and she forced herself to smile back. If this was meant as a compliment, she couldn't allow herself to care about it.

"Meet us in the war room when you're ready." Josephine said, getting things back to business.

"I'll skip the war council, but I would like to see this Breach up close, if you don't mind." Dorian said.

Alexis looked up at him, not having to force herself to smile this time.

"Then you're… staying?"

"Oh, didn't I mention? The South is so charming and rustic. I adore it to little pieces."

"Dorian, you know there's no one I'd rather be stranded in time with, future or present." She winked at him.

"Excellent choice! But let's not get "stranded" again anytime soon, yes?"

Cutting her banter with Dorian short, Cullen set the conversation back to the task awaiting. His tone sounded light and hopeful but, from the corner of her eyes Trevelyan could see he was tense, his hand gripping nervously the hilt of his sword. Was it because of their argument, or was it because of her exchange with Dorian? Whichever it was, she didn't cared right now.

"I'll begin preparations to march on the summit. Maker willing, the mages will be enough to grant us victory."

They had to be enough Alexis thought. The Breach had to be closed and time was running against them, they couldn't afford a second failed attempt.


	20. Chapter 20

Haven was in no way ready to welcome the arrival of all the rebel mages, and a lot of compromise and improvisation had been necessary to accommodate everyone. Gathering enough of the most basics supplies like food or clothes was also a problem. Hopefully the new deals and arrangements the Herald had been able to secure with the help of Josephine would improve that matter.

It had taken days for all the rebels to reach Haven, travelling by groups. The last of them had arrived earlier that day and Cullen had come to make sure everything was in order. There had already been a few altercations between mages and some of the Templars under his command, nothing serious so far but Cullen had wanted to meet with Fiona and the other leaders to smooth things down and make sure that there would be no escalation. The meeting had gone well and he was walking back to Haven when a mage came to him.

"Excuse me, you're the Commander, right?"

It was a woman, in her twenties. She was dressed in a simple way, with short leather boots brown pants and a green jacket. Her fiery red hair was held in a loose braid and her eyes were a strange shade of green with hints of grey. She was pretty, with pleasing curves and a soft face.

"Yes it's me. Is there a problem?"

Cullen asked, scanning her quickly with a discreet glance. She was undoubtedly a beautiful woman by many standards. While perfectly aware of that fact it didn't distracted him from noticing that she was looking at him with cautious eyes.

"No. But perhaps you could tell me where I might find the… Herald of Andraste." She said, sounding amused by the title.

Cullen frowned a little while holding the gaze of the mage.

"I'm afraid the Herald isn't here for the moment. She left for the Fallow Mire a few days ago. She is not expected to be back before at least a week."

"Oh, I see."

The woman's expression revealed her clear disappointment. Cullen supposed that many mages would feel grateful towards Trevelyan for granting them some kind of freedom. But the Herald had no time to loose over such things as mages wanting to extend their gratitude.

"If what you have to say is important, you can tell me."

"No. It's… a personal matter."

Cullen examined her more closely. She probably was around the same age as Trevelyan and the way she had styled her braid was the same has Alexis had the night they had shared dinner together. He would normally never have noticed such a detail, but Cullen had been so captivated by her that night that he could still remember vividly how she had looked like. His last clue was the silver pendant hanging around the mage's neck. It was what Cullen imagined to be some kind of hourglass missing a small part at its bottom. Trevelyan had the same. She kept it on a chain along with another pendant, wearing it under her clothes most of the time. He had seen her absent mindedly playing with it during long and tiresome council in the war room.

"You know her. Personally, I mean." Cullen simply stated.

"Yes we were in Ostiwck's Circle together. We were… friends." Said the mage choosing her words carefully.

"Well. I can have someone warn you once she'll be back if you'd like."

If one of her old friends were here, Trevelyan would certainly want to know about it too.

"That's nice of you to offer but no it's all right. Could you just tell her something from me?"

"Hum…Yes, off course. But I'm not sure I'm the right person to deliver a private message to her."

Alexis had given him the cold shoulder since the argument in the Chantry at the return from Redcliffe. She hadn't shown hostility, rather a very neutral demeanor. No teasing, no jokes, just polite indifference. Somehow Cullen had preferred her being angry at him. At least that way he would have known why, he would have been able to confront her. But no, she was just avoiding him. And to make things worse, she was spending much of her free time with Dorian now. It bothered Cullen more than he cared to admit. Especially since the Tevinter mage was never discreet in his attempt at charming her. And it clearly was working. Cullen had several times seen her in his company, the two of them or along with Varric Blackwall and the others at the tavern, drinking and playing cards.

And before he had any chance of talking to her she had left for the Fallow Mire. Well, he no longer wanted be distracted by her, had he not? Wasn't it what he had said to himself not long ago? And she was no longer doing anything to distract him. But damn that woman, he just couldn't keep her away from his thoughts.

"Well I don't know who her friends are now" the woman said, making Cullen snap back to the present. "And you're the only one I know she must see regularly so you'll have to do. In any case it's nothing compromising." The woman paused, a small sigh passing her lips. "Just tell Lex that Lara, that's me, obviously, wishes to see her and that she's sorry for how things ended when the circle rebelled. That's it."

"Alright. I will tell her when she comes back."

"Thank you Commander. Well there's still much for me to do so I'll leave you be. By the way, if we could have more blankets that will be nice. The children are enjoying the snow way too much, and some of them have already caught a cold."

"I'll see what I can do."

She said a quick goodbye and went on her way, leaving Cullen wondering about whom she was and what she had said. Thoughts circled in his mind for a while as he was walking back to Haven. A living piece of Alexis' past had entered his present. She said she had been a friend, but what kind? One close enough to call her by a nickname. Here, among the Inquisition, it was Herald or Lady Trevelyan for most of the people, the former much to her displeasure even if she hid it well. With her inner circle it was only Trevelyan or Alexis. He had heard Varric calling her Frostbite. But no one had ever called her Lex. This mage, Lara, must have known her well to be so familiar with her.

Things probably had turned sour in the end, why would Lara want to apologize otherwise? He remembered what Trevelyan had shared with him regarding the rebellion at Ostwick and the death of her mentor, could it be related? Cullen didn't want to pry into her private life, yet, he had to admit to some curiosity. In any case, the message he was supposed to deliver would be a good opportunity to talk to her. Perhaps he could find some answers as to why she had become so distant with him. Deep down he knew it was their unresolved fight regarding the alliances with the rebel mages. That day at the Chantry, he had spoken driven only by impulse and fear and he had hurt her. He knew his words had caused her pain and he regretted it deeply. It was hard at time not to let his fear of magic have the better of him, to find the right words to speak about his concerns. He had failed that day and any attempt he had made since to ease things between them had fallen into deaf ears. Talking to Trevelyan probably wouldn't be an easy conversation but he had to try. Those unresolved issues between them were killing him.

* * *

He was supposed to overview the drills this afternoon, but two things were keeping his mind occupied. First, the reports he still held in his hands. They were coming from scouts and agents sent to investigate Therinfal Redoubt, and news weren't good. The Templars gathered there under the banner of the Lord Seeker had vanished. Krem, Iron Bull's second in command, had led the chargers on a trail, but they yet had to hear from them. Something was wrong, Cullen could feel it.

On a more positive note they had heard back from Templars in the Free Marches ready to join the Inquisition. Some of them were on their way to Haven. Seeing how many mages were here now, a handful of Templars was no luxury should anything bad happen.

The other thing bugging Cullen's mind was the Herald. A bird had arrived with news: the mission in the Mire was a success, the missing patrol had been found and rescued and they were now all on their way back to Haven. It was a relief for Cullen to learn that his soldiers were alive. But knowing that Trevelyan was supposed to arrive at some point today was distracting him. He couldn't help his gaze but to wander, searching for the signs of the group's arrival. The sun was beginning to set down when finally the horses were spotted down the road.

Cullen waited, standing on the edge of the training yard, as the party arrived. Riding up front were Sera Dorian and Trevelyan, the three of them busy with an all but serious conversation.

"Sera you really are obsessed with shoving things up people's arses"

"As if you don't like shoving things up people's arses Dorian…." Sera snorted

"Ouuuh touché!" Alexis mocked

"Buttercup got you there Sparkler!" Varric added.

He was just behind them, ridding next to Blackwall who had a large grin on his face amused by the silliness of his companions, and next to Iron Bull who jumped into the conversation.

"He doesn't shove things… just THE thing."

Sera made a disgusted noise while Blackwall and Varric laughed.

"That's… quite an image" Dorian said, quirking a brow.

"Maker's balls… I cannot un-see this now…" Alexis complained.

"You're welcome Boss!" Bull said with a large smirk.

Cullen didn't hear the rest of the conversation as the group moved forward to the stables. He threw a few glances in their direction. Alexis was removing the saddle from her horse, assessing the animal's condition after the long ride of the day. Satisfied she left it to the care of the horse master. He watched from the corner of his eyes as she walked past the gates. Just the sight of her was enough for a part of him to feel that he had missed her.

An un-useful and unproductive feeling, especially as she was probably still trying to avoid him. It took Cullen two more hours of reading and writing tiresome reports to finally take the decision. He had to see her and talk to her. He had to give her the message of her friend, Lara, and she would certainly want to be updated regarding the Templars. With those pretexts in mind, he walked up to her cabin.


	21. Chapter 21

He knocked on her door and muffled sounds came from the inside before he heard a "Who is it?" from Trevelyan.

"Commander Cullen my Lady. I have a message for you."

He waited a few seconds, hearing only vague sounds before she finally answered.

"Alright, come in." And Cullen entered as she was adding. "but could you…"

His hand closing the door he looked up at her and froze completely.

"…turn around please. I'm not quite dressed yet… as you can see."

That she was not… at all! Because she clearly couldn't be described as dressed, her body only wrapped in a towel that was covering her from her breast to mid-thigh. She had just stepped out of a bath. Her skin was beaded with drops of water and her long brown and wet hair was gathered on her shoulder. Cullen's mouth went dry and he could feel his whole face flush suddenly. It took him a few seconds, during which his eyes uncontrollably looked her up and down, to react and turn away from her.

"Hum… Sorry… Herald, I…" He stammered, having a hard time finding just any words to say to her.

"It's okay, that look on your face nearly makes it up for you walking on me nearly naked." She sneered.

He blushed a shade darker and felt grateful that Trevelyan couldn't see just how red his cheeks were.

"Well I wasn't expecting…"

She wanted to tease him again. The opportunity was just too perfect and she had to refrain herself from throwing a comment that would send him blushing again. She still hadn't figured out what to do around him. A part of her was still shaken from the memories of the Cullen she had seen in the future and that had die in her arms. The other part was still angry for what he had said. For both these reasons she had avoided him. Now that he was here, the anger got the better of her.

"Wasn't expecting what, that I'd look just like any another woman? No demonic body parts?" She said a bit more harshly than she had meant.

She quickly dried herself and put on her small clothes. Cullen remained silent for a moment and she could see the tension in his posture.

"I get that you are mad at me for what I said regarding the mages, but you are twisting my words and thoughts here. And you very well know that I don't think of you, or of any mages, in that kind of way!"

His response wasn't enough. She had quelled her resentment until now and it had done nothing to dim the pain she had felt that day in the Chantry. Dressing up, she quickly slipped in a pair of legging and tightened the lace holding her breast band in place before responding.

"You consider us, me, a threat. Abominations waiting to happen. We're not people just creatures that need to be leashed."

She was over reacting she knew she was. She had to get a grip on herself. Facing sideways from him, her hands resting on a table she leaned against it, waiting for Cullen's reaction. And it didn't take long. Angered by her response he spun around. He wasn't going to have a fight and not face her.

"You have no idea of what I have seen, or how much I have suffered because of magic! So yes I am very much concerned about what could happen with mages going unchecked around the camp. But don't you ever dare say again that I don't see you, or any others mages as people. I am not that man any longer!"

Glancing on her left in his direction she caught his eyes. There was so much anguish in them. They were telling a story so full of sorrow and regrets that his gaze hit her even harder than his words. And she fell silent.

Cullen sighed, running his hand into his hair nervously. He wanted to fix things not antagonize her further. They both needed to stop inflicting pain on each other because of their past marked by the conflict between Templars and mages. Otherwise they would always end up fighting on the subject. When he spoke again his voice was calm.

"Maker's Breath Alexis. I have no intention of endangering this alliance, but I must ensure the safety of those here. That concern extends to the mages. They are putting themselves at risk for the Inquisition, as are you! Any precautions taken are meant to aid you, nothing more. I hope you will accept them as such."

She looked away from him, biting at her lower lip.

"I understand." She said with a sigh. "And whatever precautions you wish to take I guess it can't hurt."

"I don't want us to fight over this forever. I respect you, as a person, and all the work you are doing for the Inquisition. I only want for the people here, mages and non-mages alike, to be safe."

"I know." She said, looking down. "I just wished that people would stop treating us all like monsters because of a handful of madmen. Or just because the fu.." she stopped herself and shushed the bad word "… Chantry places the blame on some long dead magisters!" she chuckled. "A fool's hope, right?"

Her voice betrayed the disillusion and bitterness she was feeling. It was hard for Cullen to see her lose hope. She was an optimist, sarcastic at times but deep down she always hoped and aimed for the best.

"I don't think you are a fool and you are most certainly not a monster. Alexis you are remarkable! Everything you have accomplished, it speaks volume about who you are. And you are a good person. You try to see the best in everyone and everything. You don't settle for simple solutions. You search for something good to come out of every situation, even if it means walking a harder path."

"Well, most people don't care about that. And the way they look at you, the way they suddenly change around you when they learn you are a mage…it's hard not to feel like a monster sometimes."

Alexis suddenly felt very self-conscious about her state of undress. This conversation was making her feel naked and exposed. She wanted to cover herself and feel less vulnerable before Cullen's eyes.

"I can only imagine what you must have felt. You have to trust me when I tell you that I don't and will never see you like that." Cullen said softly.

"I do trust you Cullen. It's just hard sometimes to…"

"Forget about the past." Cullen completed as Trevelyan was searching for her words.

She nodded slowly, silently agreeing with his words and, reaching for a clean shirt to put on, she started to turn away from him. From where Cullen was standing he hadn't been able to see her back so far. Now that she had moved he definitely could. Realizing that, Trevelyan suddenly stopped her movement to face him again. But it was too late, the look on his face told her that much. He was frozen, looking at her with wide bewildered eyes. She wrapped her arms around herself feeling nervous underneath the blank stare the Commander was giving her.

The conversation had been so tense and emotional that it was the only thing Cullen had think about. And what he had just see when she had briefly turned away was a real shock. There were at least a dozen of long and thin white lines splayed across her back. And on her right shoulder blade were others scars, perhaps three or four, Cullen hadn't got the time to see clearly, but they were deeper and larger. As if someone had carved into her skin.

Alexis couldn't stand the sudden and oppressive silence. Pushing her hair from her shoulder she let them fall on her back to hide at least a part of her scars and went to pick up a shirt. Some of her companions already knew she had scars, the ones who wouldn't give a damn about it. Solas had seen them once, when he had healed a wound after a battle. And she had even told Cassandra about the events surrounding how she had gotten them. But nobody knew the whole story. Even Lara and Lydia, who had nursed her back to health, hadn't been aware of the details.

Around certain people she just didn't care if they could see her scars. She had been naked in front of men and slept with them and she couldn't be bothered at all by what they had might think. She had spun a story for those who had asked and it was enough.

With Cullen it was different. He cared and he wouldn't buy her fake explanations. Even worse was the fact that she cared about what he might think or how he might see her. It would also hurt him to know the truth, because it was a Templar who had marked her in such a brutal way.

She had grabbed a blouse and was putting it on when Cullen finally broke the silence.

"You have been flogged."

It was an affirmation but his voice betrayed confused emotions. Flogging was the only coherent punishment to explain her scars. But how, and when? No penalty occurring in the circle included whipping a mage. Reprimand, loss of privilege, isolation… tranquility, those were the rules. But Cullen knew too well that some Templars didn't follow the rules. How many had fallen prey to the power they held over their charges. How sick was the person who had done this to her.

She turned to look at him, apprehension weighing painfully on her stomach, and mumbled a small "Yes."

"It happened when you were in the Circle…" It was just an assumption but something told him he was right.

"Look, Cullen, I'd rather not go into the details of what happened. It was several years ago and yes while I was in the circle. And to answer your next question because I can see you want to know: yes it was a Templar who did it."

She had spoken quickly. It was better for the words to be out right away, than having to go through the process of Cullen painfully asking himself the questions one by one.

"He didn't get away with it, did he? I mean with your family, they are nobles and close to the Chantry they must have done something. That Templar couldn't possibly have done that to you and just walk away!"

The tone of his voice had risen without him realizing, a sudden anger threatening to overwhelm him. If the man was here Cullen would have make him pay for what he did. He wanted to protect her. It didn't matter that it had happened years ago, what he was feeling now was too strong to be pushed aside by a mere reasoning.

"It was a complicated situation. The man had ways to defend himself… My father did what he could and he got transferred months after. That's all I know."

Cullen sighed running a hand through his hair. His reaction had Alexis puzzled. She had imagined he would pity her or feel bad. Not that the revelation would anger him as if he was ready to rush to her defense.

"This should have never happened to you. Templars were meant to protect mages! Never to abuse them. When did we allowed the Order to become so corrupted?"

He was trying to calm down but the situation was sickening. How many mages, good persons like Trevelyan, had suffered at the hands of Templars? How many have been beaten or raped by the very persons whose oath was to protect them!

"Men's hearts are easily corruptible. It doesn't matter if you are a mage or not. Some people just can resist the need for power."

"It shouldn't be that way." He looked at her with sad eyes. "Maker's breath, I'm so sorry Alexis how could…"

"Please Cullen." She didn't allow him to continue. "I don't want to speak more about it. And I don't want you to feel sorry for me. It happened years ago and nor you nor I nor anyone can change that. It's done and I will bear those scars forever. As painful as it is, I have come to accept it. I just…"

Her voice trailed off as she looked at him. All the feelings she had repressed for weeks bubbling to the surface.

"I just don't want you to see me differently because of it. I don't want you to… feel differently about me."

"Why would I see you differently?" He shot her a quizzical look, his brows furrowed.

"Because I'm a woman and a mage? Scars aren't really a womanly thing and…" she chuckled looking away from him "it's been hard for both of us to understand each other. I don't want to constantly remind you of what Templars have done."

"I will never see you differently because of it." He closed the distance between them and hesitantly he laid his hand on her shoulder. "Nor will I ever… feel differently about you. As I said, you are a remarkable woman. The scars you bear will never change that."

There was something so compelling about her. And what he had just learned of her past only made his feelings for her stronger. He was drawn to her, as if the pain of their own past was something meant to keep them apart and ad the same time, unite them.

"Thank you Cullen." She tried to smile but it never reached her eyes. Too many conflicted emotions were ragging inside of her. "Anyway, you said you had a message for me?" She said steering the conversation away from the painful subject.

This conversation was way too emotional for her to handle it any longer, and Cullen's sudden closeness and touch was eliciting things she couldn't quite deal with. She needed a way out.

"Hum… yes." His hand softly ran down her arm as he was removing it from her shoulder. "A friend of yours, a mage from Ostwick, asked me to tell you something."

"A friend?" She asked, puzzled, a hope lingering in her eyes that she didn't dared to voice.

"Well that's what I have guessed. She said her name was Lara and she asked me to tell you that, she'd like to see you and that she is sorry for how things ended when the Ostwick's circle rebelled."

"Lara said that to you? You've met her?" Trevelyan asked, her mouth turning up in a smile.

She was feeling both joy and anticipation. The hope to see her friend back had bugged her mind for weeks now, ever since she had learned mages from Ostwick were with the rebels.

"Yes. Redhead and around the same age as you. She called you Lex, so I guessed that she was a friend of yours. Was I wrong?"

"No. She really was a friend. We just… drifted apart a few years ago when the rebellion started in the circle."

"Well it looks like she wishes to reconnect. Although it seems like she wasn't sure you'd be happy to see her."

"We didn't part on good terms." Alexis sat on the edge of the table her eyes lost in memories for a short time. "She was like a sister to me. I was closer to her than I ever was with any of my siblings. Anyway." She dismissed her last thought with a small wave of her hand "when did she give you that message?"

"About a week ago. You had already left for the Fallow Mire. I guess that she arrived with the last of the mages. She was taking care of the children if I recall correctly."

"I see." She frowned a little. "Well, thanks for the message Commander. I hope it didn't bother you too much to take care of a personal matter like that."

"No. Not at all. I had to see you anyway. We have news from Therinfal Redoubt, there is a complete report for you in the war room and some Templars from the Free Marches have agreed to join us."

"Alright, I'll have a look at that report later today. And it's good news for the Templars, we'll need the extra help."

"Indeed. Anyway, that's all I had to tell you. I shall take my leave, I'm sure you have still plenty to do for the rest of the day."

He bowed his head to her ready to leave but she called out to him before he could turn away.

"Wait."

"Yes?"

She was looking quite intently at him, chewing on her lips, unsure of what to say. She had avoided that conversation so far, her anger an acceptable excuse to postpone it despite the promise she had made. A promise she had made to him, dark future him. And there was no point delaying it any longer.

"There is something I have to tell you. I a… I haven't said everything about what happened in that future. It's nothing related to this Elder One or Alexius so I… never said a word. Especially to you."

"Especially to me?" He quirked a brow.

"Oh blight, best to let it all out I guess." She mumbled looking away for a brief moment. "You were there Cullen. I saw you in that future."

"You saw me?" He asked bewildered.

"Yes. In this future you were captured after a failed attack on the castle. When we found you, you had been tortured, for months. You were unconscious and in a bad shape so I healed you and…"she sighed, her hand nervously playing with a damp strand of her hair. "When you awoke you attacked me. You tried to strangle me."

"I did what?" his eyes widened as he looked at her, astonished, as if he couldn't believe it.

"It wasn't your fault. You weren't yourself at that moment. The Venatori they… had done things to you, played with your mind and used me to torture you." Cullen's expression went blank, all colors drained from his face in a second. Alarmed by his reaction Alexis quickly added. "It lasted only a moment you came back to your senses after that and helped us."

"Maker's breath! So that's how you got those marks on your neck, it was that… future version of me trying to kill you?"

"Yes. And don't you dare apologize for that, I had enough of those from the "dark future" you." She sounded very serious and Cullen choked down the excuse he already had on his lips. "Anyway. You, I mean future you, him… whatever, he asked me to tell you something. I promised I would but I just." She sighed "I couldn't bring myself to tell you before."

She crossed her arms looking down at her bare feet. In that moment she was only a young and troubled woman carrying too much weigh on her frail shoulders.

"Is what I, he, asked you to tell me so bad?" Cullen asked, coming to stand next of her.

He had to admit that he was both curious and puzzled. Having this future version of him sending a message was a concept weird in too many ways. Despite how strange it was to understand correctly this time magic thing, he wanted to know.

"What happened there, you have no idea how horrible it was. All the bodies the deaths, it still haunts me." She wrapped her arms more tightly around her, shivering from the memories. "I didn't tell you before because it was too painful Cullen."

"Whatever happened, you can tell me, I'm here for you." He spoke softly.

She took a deep breath gathering the courage to meet his gaze. Her throat already tightened by the emotion.

"I saw you die. You… sacrificed yourself to protect me and then, you died, in my arms." She looked away, exhaling painfully. "I keep seeing it most nights in my nightmares."

It was hard for Cullen to imagine what she must have been through. What she had shared of that future had sounded like a nightmare come true. And he dread only to think how he might react if one day he had to witnessed her death. Of course he never had thought about that, he had never really seen her in danger. He wasn't going out in the field with her. It helped to keep a distance with how she was walking into danger every day. Yet this time, putting himself in her place, sent into some strange future, seeing her die? He shuddered at the mere thought. But this wasn't about him, it was about her and Cullen had to do what he could to alleviate her pain. He laid his hand on her shoulder, searching for her eyes

"It's alright, I'm here, I'm alive."

"I know." She finally met his gaze, sadness lingering in her blue eyes. "Anyway I need to tell you now."

"I'm listening"

He gave her a gentle squeeze on her shoulder encouraging her to talk. Her voice was unsteady, memories full of anguish flashing in her mind but she found the courage to pass him the message and keep her promise.

"You were dying in that future and you… He asked me to tell you that you are not your duty."

For a second Cullen looked as if he had been slapped. He was expecting a warning of some kind, anything related to their situation or to the Inquisition. He even had imagined the message could be related to his Lyrium addiction and the decision to stop taking it. He had not expected it would be related to the way he handled his private life. It was very confusing and though he did understand the meaning, it was troubling him.

"Is there a problem?"

"No" He chuckled. "I'm just surprised I guess."

"So you understand? Because I'm not sure I did. Well honestly no. I had no idea what you, he… Oh Blight that thing is so unnerving… I had no idea what it could mean to you exactly."

He smiled, amused by her reaction. There was something endearing about her when she was confused or uneasy.

"Yes. I believe I do understand it."

Could he listen to it? Could it mean he should succumb to his attraction for her? As always when facing those thoughts Cullen felt torn. A part of him wanted to. Wanted to discover how it would feel to have his hands on her skin, to taste her lips. A darker side of him even wondered how it would be like to have her beneath him in bed, naked. The memory of her body wrapped in that towel, her legs bare before his eyes, did nothing to help push aside those thoughts. Cullen couldn't deny the existence of those feelings, that he was aching for her and wanted more. Hopefully, those were needs he easily denied. Maybe there was truth in this message, he was not his duty, and perhaps he had to find some way to just exist for himself. Learning to listen to his desires was part of that, but it didn't meant being driven by them every time they surfaced.

He looked Alexis in the eyes and she held his gaze. He could see she was less self-guarded than usual. The emotions playing on her face were like an open book: confusion, sadness, desire. For a moment Cullen could feel she was also struggling with her feelings, shadows of her past dancing in her eyes.

He still had his hand on her shoulder and she reached for it, laying her hand above his. He laced his fingers with hers, and Alexis shivered underneath his touch. She wanted to feel him but at the same time it scarred her just how much she could want it, want him.

Cullen felt her trouble and he slowly removed his hand. He could see the desire lighting her eyes and flushing her cheeks just a little but despite that he knew this wasn't the time, for both of them. The whole situation suddenly felt awkward and his hand came to rub the back of his neck.

"I… well hum I have a lot of work ahead. You'll want to march on the Breach soon and there's still much to prepare."

He was back to his usual Commander self, despite the hints of a flush and his stammering.

"Yes and I… should finish getting dressed. I'm sure a ton of reports and paperwork awaits me."

"Right. Well… Good day Lady Trevelyan"

"Commander."

She bowed her head to him and he quickly left without even a stolen glance. Once the door was closed Alexis let out a deep breath. She cradled her head in her hands thinking this whole situation with Cullen was a mess.

How was she supposed to resist him forever? Yet she had to. She was a mess when it came to serious relationships. It would be better for the both of them if she spared them that suffering. Should they try and give into their attraction she knew it would end in both of them being hurt, and she didn't wanted that. Cullen didn't deserve that, he was a good man and she had been hurt too much in the past to be the person he needed in his life.

She pushed herself off the table and went to pick up her boots. Time to face the stack of reports and the requests from nobles, at least it would keep her mind busy.


	22. Chapter 22

Trevelyan just stood there for a moment, frozen, memories rushing through her mind. The day they had met as young girls, the years of training together, the stories and secret dreams shared. How many times as teenagers had they slipped in each other's bedrooms at night just to talk?

It took Lara a few seconds to acknowledge the presence in her back and turn away. Coming face to face with her friend she stopped dead, her mouth bobbing open and close a few times. It's been nearly two years since the last time they had seen each other, years weighing heavily on the both of them.

They looked at each other, quickly taking note of what had changed and what was the same. Alexis had felt apprehension building up and growing stronger with each step it had taken her to reach the mage camp. How might this reunion go? How would she react after those years apart? Would they both still be angry at each other for what happened?

"Hello Lex."

Lara finally broke the silence, flashing a small smile to her friend.

"Hey."

They stood still for another second before the laugh welling up in their chest broke everything and they fell in each other's arms, smiling and laughing. And for the next hours they talked and shared memories as if nothing had changed between them.

Now, they had walked away from the mages camp seeking a more peaceful place to speak about the missing years in their friendship and the private matters they wished no one could ear. They were sitting side by side on the crates near the trebuchet. Most of the soldiers were away, busy on a drill for the afternoon and besides the low buzzing and clattering coming from the forge it was silent. She knew Cullen was away with them, preparing them for her next attempt at closing the Breach. It wasn't excluded that they may be demons to fight and she knew the Commander was very dedicated to ensure the success of this particular mission.

Lara nudged her shoulder with her own. "That still doesn't explain how you survived the blast or why they call you the Herald of Andraste."

"I still don't know myself! Every time I try to remember I got this nasty headache… And don't get me started on the Herald thing! Its way past stupid if you ask me. All I have is this mark on my hand and I don't know how it got there."

She removed the glove she was always wearing on her left hand to cover the mark and showed her hand to Lara. Several curved lines were embedded in her palm. If she concentrated on it she could feel a low hum radiating from it all the way to her shoulder and the lines would started to glow a shade of green alike the Breach.

Lara, while laughing, took Alexis's hand in her own examining the mark for a moment.

"Haha! I knew you wouldn't like being called the Herald of Andraste. I have to admit it's quite the irony! You hated the Chantry after all. I wonder how your mother took it! You, working for the Inquisition and blessed by Andraste herself? She must have least had a heart attack" She joked.

Talking about her family with Lara was natural, and it was the only person with whom she was completely open about it.

"I've asked myself that question and I'm not even sure I want to know."

"I know Lex. But it would have been fun to watch her reaction! You know I still wonder how she managed to have three kids! Seeing how bigot she is, it's a miracle she hasn't shipped herself to some secluded monastery."

"A life of repentance for her crimes that led to her youngest child being tainted by magic! That does sound like her." Alexis said sighing.

"Baaah… as I have always said to you, don't listen to what she said, she's just blabbering whatever some Chantry scholar placed in her head. And I'm sure your father is very proud of you!"

"I don't know about that. Maybe. I just got a letter saying he would lend the family's support to the Inquisition and he was glad that I survived. That's all. I've been a bit busy running across Ferelden closing rifts and dealing with stuff so not much time for personal matters."

"I imagine. You're building quite the reputation for the Inquisition."

"I'm not doing all this alone."

"Yes but you're the one who's name is on everyone's lips. The influence you're gathering will soon reach far away than Fereldan borders." Lara said gazing in the distance.

Alexis considered her friend for a brief moment, the way she squinted hiding her trouble.

"Speak it out Lara. I know you want to ask something."

"I was wondering" she said biting on her lips "do you think you could find something for me?"

She knew exactly what Lara was asking in hidden words. Feeling deeply her friend's pain Alexis placed her arm around her shoulder to comfort her.

"You want to know if we may be able to find him."

"He's my son Lex! They had no right to take him from me! And I intend to get him back!"

She was on the verge of tears and Alexis drew her closer to her, laying a kiss on the top of her head.

"I'll see what I can do. I will ask Leliana to gather informations. There must be a record somewhere and if it exists she will find it. We will learn where they send him, alright?"

Lara nodded slowly, chasing her tears with the back of her hand.

"Thank you. I just can't stop thinking about him. He will be three years old soon you know? I won't let him grow up thinking his mother abandoned him!"

Lara's pregnancy had been a cruel and dire moment of their life in the circle. It had let to several events neither of them would ever forget.

 _"_ _You can't go in there! She just gave birth, she and the child needs rest!"_

 _"_ _That's not for you to decide Trevelyan."_

 _"_ _That's nor for you to decide either!" She sneers to his face._

 _The Knight-captain immediately reacts and slaps her with the back of his hand._

 _"_ _You should learn to keep your place."_

 _The gauntlet he wears has split her lips and her cheek is probably red from the blow but she doesn't care. She stands her ground despite the sting of the wound._

 _"_ _Go away, you won't take her child now! I won't let you."_

 _"_ _And what will you do to stop us? Use your magic against us?" The Knight-captain mocks, drawing laughs from the two Templars accompanying him._

 _Alexis's hands balls into fists. She wants nothing more than to beat the bastard into a pulp. She knows she could do it. She could freeze the two Templars and take care of the blighted son of a bitch that is the Knight-captain. She refrains herself, she would lose everything if she's the one who starts the fight._

 _"_ _Go in there and take the child!" The Knight-captain orders and Trevelyan places herself between the door and the Templars._

 _"_ _No. You all go away! The First Enchanter…"_

 _She can't finish her phrase. The Knight-captain grabs her arm, his other hand snatches her braided hair and he slams her against the wall, her chest comes crashing against the stones. She braces her hand against the wall but he leans against her back, holding her tightly._

 _"_ _You two, go inside and take the child!" He snaps and the two Templars disappear in the room. "And you, Trevelyan, you should really know by now that resisting me is futile."_

 _He presses her further against the wall, pinning her with his body. His fingers knots into her hair and pulls her head to him. She feels his stubble grazing her cheek, feels him inhaling her scent as his other hand comes to rest against her hip. Her heart is racing and fears almost makes her body tremble. She can't stand the feel of him against her, it's nauseating. She manages to get a grip on herself and tries to elbow him to free herself. But the Knight-captain dodges and he slams her again against the wall, knocking the wind out of her._

 _"_ _Oh no! You had me once with that trick, it won't work again."_

 _She wants to scream, to cry out for help but it's exactly what he wants, what he is trying to trick her to do. She holds back the tears welling in her eyes. She can't show any sign of weakness._

 _"_ _Get off of me." She_ _hisses_ _between greeted teeth._

 _"_ _Why?" He says as he removes one of his gauntlets and let it drop to the floor. "I'm having such a good time."_

 _His hand slips under her shirt and begins to trail up her back. His mouth is at the nape of her neck, almost brushing her skin with his lips. Alexis's stomach is retching with every move he makes, with each of his touch. She inhales deeply, trying to calm down, to clear her head and find a way to escape him. But she can't. He is looming over her, pressing into her body with his own, his hand firmly entwined in her hair. His bare hand is in the hollow of her back now and he reaches her scars. He begins to follow their pattern, caressing them one by one with this thumb._

 _"_ _Beautiful, isn't it? How you always have me with you now." He whispers, sultry, to her ear._

 _She can't take it anymore, the feeling of his hand on her back is too much for her to endure. His touch makes her skin burn with the reminder of the day he branded her. She wants him off her, now. She no longer cares what could happen, she just wants him gone. Her power swirls around her coating her skin with a thin layer of ice protecting her from his touch._

 _The Knight-captain growls at her attempt to escape him. He turns her around, grabs her throat and casts a cleanse on her with all the harsh and raw power he has. Her connection to the Fade brutally severed Alexis is left light headed and he throws her on the ground. She falls on her side, the ice she had conjured evaporated by the Templar's cleanse. He crouches next to her tilting her chin up with his hand._

 _"_ _You're mine Trevelyan."_

 _Behind them the door open and the Templars come out of the room holding the crying out newborn. The Knight-Captain stands up, grabs his gauntlet and leaves Alexis there. As they disappear around the corner tears flow from her eyes. She hates him with every fiber of her being. If she wasn't here locked up in this blighted circle none of this would have happened. She would have fought back and be done with him. But she can't, things don't work like that in a Chantry Circle. Even if you're acting in self-defense, it's always the mage who is looked upon as the criminal, until you can prove otherwise._

 _She stumbles to her feet. It may take time but the Knight-captain will pay for what he did to her. For now she tries to forget about him and makes her way into the bedroom. Lydia is sitting on the edge of the bed. Lightly stroking a mass of red hair gathered in her lap. Lara, she's still lying in bed, exhausted after giving birth to her son. A son the Templars have just snatched from her arms. Her body shakes from her muffled sobs. Alexis walks to the bed and sits on the opposite side from Lydia. Her mentor gives her a worried look and frowns when she sees her swollen lips and red cheek. Later, she will explain, but now they have to be there for Lara. Alexis slowly lay her hand on her friend's back. No words in the world can help her now. And so Lydia and her both stay there until Lara_ _has_ _cried herself to sleep._

The memory faded away and Alexis looked at her friend lost too in her own thoughts.

"We will find him. I promise."

They shared a smile, clinging on a hope that was Lara's only way of moving forward. Resignation wasn't an option. They remained silent for a moment and Alexis gazed at the landscape. It had become a familiar sight. Not an unpleasant one if you could see past the swirling vortex casting its green light. Her eyes wandered on the road and she caught sight of the army walking back to Haven.

"Looks like the training is done for the day." She said.

"I'm glad the mages are not supposed to attend the army training. That Commander sure knows how to exhaust the men and women under his command."

"Yeah… I bet he knows many ways to do that." She smirked artfully.

"Oh Maker! Leeex! I wasn't suggesting…that kind of ways!" Lara said nudging her with her elbow.

"Come on! If not with you, with who am I supposed to stare shamelessly at a guy?" Alexis pleaded while laughing.

Lara was the only one with who she could openly talk with, if not of her feelings, at least about how tempting and pleasing on the eyes Cullen was. Dorian had teased her, a lot, about the Commander. The way she had reacted around him in the future hadn't gone unnoticed by the cheeky mage. She had, of course, denied any feelings or attraction, but the man just hadn't dropped the case.

"Point taken. Besides, I have to admit… He is rather nice."

Lara said as the soldiers were passing nearby, Cullen leading them. He wasn't wearing his armor for once, or his usual coat. He was clad in a simple blue shirt and leather armor, hinting perfectly at how well defined and hardened his body was.

"That he is" Alexis mumbled, enjoying the view.

"I feel like we're teenagers again, drooling over the young and brand new Templars stationed at the Circle."

Alexis grinned, glancing at her friend.

"Oh you mean like the one whom you "accidentally" set the shirt on fire so he had to remove it in front of us?"

"Oh sweet Maker! I nearly had forgotten about that one! Although, we did have a nice view afterwards."

"That we did."

They laughed quite loudly driving stares from some of the soldiers and from Cullen. He glanced at the both of them quickly and smiled to himself. It seemed Trevelyan had found her friend back, and it was a warming sight to see her laugh so genuinely. Turning back to the soldiers he gave his last comments and orders and dismissed them. They all needed to rest but Cullen was confident that they were ready for the Herald's attempt at closing the Breach.

It was planned for tomorrow and he had to inform her that both mages and Inquisition's soldiers would be ready on schedule. He walked up to her. Telling her now would avoid him running into her at an inappropriate time like he had done last time. Although the sight of her only wrapped in that towel was quite a nice memory. One he felt a bit ashamed of while being unable to forget about it. He had only realized afterwards how teasing and appealing she had been during their whole conversation, too stunned at first then too driven by their exchange. But he remembered it perfectly afterwards. The smooth curves of her bare legs, the light shapes of the muscles on her flat stomach and the scars on her back, all things he had discovered about her and couldn't forget. These scars were still troubling him somehow, eliciting questions in his mind. He was amazed at how strong she must had been to endure such a torture and at the same time it compelled him to protect her.

"Commander." Trevelyan greeted him with a small nod. "What can we do for you?"

"Nothing I just came to keep you updated about the preparations for tomorrow. But perhaps this isn't the time." He asked glancing at the two women.

"No it's fine Commander. I'm all ears."

"The soldiers are ready to fight the demons should we face any. Fiona and the other leaders have told me that they have selected the mages who will accompany you and they too are ready. If you still want to carry on with the plan we can march on the summit tomorrow morning." He said sounding serious, his hand coming to rest on the hilt of his sword.

"Good, then we will carry on as planned. The sooner we close the damn thing the better. Thank you for the update. It's just me who needs to be ready now." She joked half-heartedly.

"I know it must feel like a heavy burden. If it's any consolation, everyone here has faith in you and in your success. I have faith in you." He said confident.

"Thank you Cullen. Whatever happens I'll do my best." A weak smile turned a corner of her lips up.

"I don't doubt it for a second Herald."

"Herald? Really Cullen?" She said sounding more amused than annoyed.

"I…well." Was all he managed to say, his hand rubbing the back of his neck.

"If it's because Lara is here really you shouldn't. She has already made fun of me because of that title and I would appreciate if you wouldn't give her more reasons to do so." Trevelyan said with a smile, saving him the embarrassment of stammering a response.

"As you wish… Alexis."

That she insisted he stopped using her title was a good sign he thought. Perhaps their last conversation really had helped easing some of the tensions. Turning to Lara, hoping to avoid any awkward silence he added:

"I believe your name was spoken by the mage leaders. You will join us to close the Breach?"

"Yes I will be there."

"She doesn't look like it but she's skilled. Knows well how to burn "some" things down."

Alexis shot Lara a conniving glance and her friend rolled her eyes a little yet unable to refrain a smile.

"Right… Well, hum I don't want to intrude any longer." Cullen stuttered, aware there was some hidden meaning behind Trevelyan's words meant to tease her friend. "That was all I needed to tell you. I shall take my leave. I'm sure you both have a lot to say to each other." Cullen added, bowing his head. "My ladies."

He left quickly and Alexis's gaze wandered over him.

"Lex?"

"Yes?" She said, her eyes not leaving the Commander yet.

"You like him. And don't pretend otherwise, I know that look!"

"Yes." She finally admitted with a sigh. "Stupid right? And believe me, there is nothing you can say about how bad an idea it is, that I haven't told myself. A mage and Templar, it's meant to end poorly."

Lara wrapped her arm around Alexis, her head coming to rest against her shoulder.

"You know what? If there's a price for rotten judgment when it comes to men, we are both in a good position to win it!"

"You're not helping me here. But I guess you're right."


	23. Chapter 23

A/N : Hi everybody! Just wanted to say thank you to all the people who have faved and followed the story and to everyone who has kept reading it so far! And a big thank you also to Kimmyycub and Jenn for their lovely reviews!

I hope you will enjoy the next chapter. I was a bit disappointed in the game that you couldn't properly argue with Vivienne about the mage cause so I had to voice what my Inquisitor would have said to her. After that I promise I will be back with more Cullen/Trevelyan moments even if it's a slow burn romance between the two of them but I just can't envision it differently.

Thank you again to everyone!

* * *

A book was keeping her company as she ate that night. She was so concentrated on her reading that she sometimes forgot that she actually had food on her fork and was supposed to bring it to her mouth in order to eat. You had to give that to Varric, he knew how to get his readers hung up. She hadn't had a lot of time to read lately. At least read something that wasn't a report or some official letter. Tonight she had indulged herself that small pleasure. She needed the distraction otherwise she would just think about the Breach and tomorrow's attempt at closing it. It was making her feel even more nervous than the day of her Harrowing.

It took her several seconds to acknowledge the presence of Vivienne standing beside her. Her reading had discouraged pretty much anyone to disturb her. Cullen was sitting at the far end of the table along with Rylen and some of the soldiers. Even some of her companions with whom she usually shared her meals, like Blackwall and Dorian, had chosen to leave her some space that night. But apparently Madame de Fer didn't read those signals as well as the others, or more probably she didn't care.

Trevelyan raised her head to look at the mage her brow arched. "Yes?"

"Now that Fiona and her malcontents have joined us as allies, we need to be prepared. Abominations are inevitable. Cullen doesn't have enough Templars to handle incidents. Some of the rank and file need to be trained."

 _Andraste's fat ass, not that again,_ was the thought that crossed Trevelyan's mind. She had pointedly avoided the subject with Vivienne knowing they would never agree on the matter. Alexis respected her, and she knew that she had been a friend of her late mentor, Lydia. But they had very different views regarding the mage cause and future. They even were very different mages despite being amongst the rare Knight-Enchanters. Vivienne was both a Circle mage and an Orelisan politician through and through. Mannered, cunning and manipulative she was always properly dressed and in combat she exclusively relied on magic and went by the book. She was deadly, no one could deny that, but she was a traditionalist in more than one way.

Alexis, on the other hand, as Bull had once said to her, was fighting dirty. Relying on both magic and martial skills she could make it hard for her opponents to guess if the next blow would be magical or a good old punch to the face. The Circle had taught her to master her abilities but she wasn't afraid to venture beyond her strict upbringing and find new ways to use her magic.

Taking a deep breath and succeeding in keeping a polite tone Trevelyan responded: "Well, I disagree. But if you really want to go forward on this subject you should bring the matter directly to the Commander, he's just there." She said pointing a finger in Cullen's direction.

"I will most certainly bring this subject to the Commander my dear, and no doubt he will agree. As you should."

"Well, I don't. We can handle the mages. They did handle themselves for a good amount of time since the rebellion, and no Templars to help them!" It was hard for Trevelyan not to sound sarcastic but she managed to keep it down.

"Have any of these men faced an abomination before, my dear? Have you? The veil is broken, and the raw power of the Fade rushes out like floodwaters through a shattered levee. In ordinary places where the veil is weak, magic is much more likely to attract demons. And if demons can walk our world with no blood magic to summon them, how safe do you think our "allies" are? There has never been a greater threat to mages than the Breach. Until it is closed, no one is safe."

"Vivienne, perhaps you're afraid of hearing the whispers of demon in your head at night. I get it. Personally I feel just fine! And I've spent some time with the others and they're good too! You really have a low opinion of your fellow mages."

"It's not so much an opinion as grasping the obvious. Magic is dangerous, just as fire is dangerous. Anyone who forgets this truth gets burned." Vivienne stated plainly.

"That I agree with. But Templars aren't the go to solution every time magic is involved. I don't say they are useless, but there are others ways than Templars watching over our shoulders all the time."

"They are men, and all men are flawed. That some fail does not mean that none should try. The fact remains that there is no cure for an abomination except death. Someone must strike the killing blow. Who shall lower the blade if not a Templar?"

"Again, I agree on the men are flawed part, wholeheartedly." Trevelyan said with a smirk. "And I agree that Templars can be needed. But, again, they are not the only solution or answer when it comes to magic."

"As you will no doubt have a hand in shaping it, what future do you see for mages?" Vivienne asked very seriously.

The conversation was boring her and Alexis wanted to put an end to it. She was also very aware that pretty much everyone at the table was now looking at them.

"Mages should be treated like anybody else."

She could sense the disapprobation coming from Vivienne and various other persons at the table but she didn't care. She took her time to slowly close her book and rise to her feet as Vivienne responded.

"How free did you feel living on the run, never straying too close to villages or staying in one place too long? Paint the cage any color you like. It is still a cage. It's something to consider, my dear."

Trevelyan considered Vivienne for a moment in silence. She glanced around to catch sight of all the faces now turned to her. She saw Cullen a neutral expression on his face. She had never imagined giving a speech about her views of mages but Vivienne had her moment and now she was going to crush her. Politely and with a perfect optimistic logic, but crush her nonetheless.

"Oh I have considered it Vivienne, more than you could ever imagine. And perhaps you were happy in the Circle. I mean, it was a gilded cage for you! Unlike the rest of us. But it was still a cage!" She said using the First Enchanter's last words against her. "And what you describe there, when I said that mages should be treated like anybody else, it wasn't equal treatment. What you described was the life of an apostate! And you couldn't be further from what I believe in." She paused, but not long enough to give Vivienne a chance to talk, and raised her voice, just enough so that everyone who was already listening could clearly hear her.

"Do you know what really does the most damages to mages? The Chantry and its rhetoric that puts in everyone's brains that mages should be feared that mages should be locked up! And it brings what exactly? More fear! The fear of a child who wakes to his powers and whom nobody understands! The fear of a mage cornered by people who brand him a maleficar when the only thing he did was light up a fire with his magic, because, again, nobody understands him or magic! Fear of those people who never sees magic in their life and believes it's only meant for ill! These are all the victims of the system we live in." She looked intently at Vivienne who had fell silent, her lips pursed in a thin line.

"A child who becomes an abomination because Templars knocks on the door to take him away by force from his family, a family he will never see again… He is not the criminal. He is the victim! Tell me, honestly, would you be happy, would anyone here be happy to have his child taken away forever?" She looked around and nobody dared to say a thing.

"And all those mages who becomes abominations because they fear to be snatched from their family, because they fear to be locked away and treated like prisoners when they have done nothing wrong, they are brought to life by the Chantry and the Circle! The foolishness of some madmen or blood mages has nothing to do with that! The world fears magic because the Chantry believes that if they keep us away from the world then the world will forget about us. They believe in the phrase "if you can't see it then it doesn't exist"! Well they are wrong and it was just a matter of time before someone stood up and remembered to them and to the world that we exist! That we have the right to live! We have that right like anybody else!" She wasn't yelling, but the passion in her voice was unmistakable and everybody in the room was hanged to her lips.

"Mages should be treated like anybody else! Trained yes, receive the help of Templars yes, but we should be treated as people, we should be free to see and live with our families, we should be able to marry and have children. How many women living in the Circle has seen her newborn snatched mercilessly from their arms by Templars! How many children taken from their families in chains for no other crimes than being a mage? We are a part of this world and nothing the Chantry can do will erase that! Ever! There will always be mages and the Clerics need to open their eyes and accept it because we won't disappear! People need to learn that, to understand that magic is part of life, is part of their life! We, mages, need to leave our lives among the world. People fear what they don't know. And we have to make them understand that we practice it for good. That blood mages and maleficar are an exception. Make mages and magic mundane! And soon there will be no mobs lashing out at mages for no reasons, there will be no more people screaming maleficar at the mere spell." Her gaze wandered over the people gathered there.

"We have a chance now at stopping this circle of hatred between Mages and Templars and change how mages are seen! We have a chance to prevent history from repeating itself! Because if the circles are reinstated without change… someday, it can be ten years from now, a hundred years from now, another mage will start a rebellion! Because you can't lock people up, subdue them to the will of Templars, treat them like animals and expect them to bend to your will forever! One day they will fight back!"

She fell silent and nobody dared speak up. She looked around and saw a wide palette of emotions on the faces turned to her. She could see that for many, her speech had brought out questions. Those who had at first disagreed with her, were now confused hearing truth in her words. Dorian was smirking wildly at her, looking proud of her, and of himself of course. Blackwall was smiling and he gave her a nod when their eyes briefly met. Vivienne was the embodiment of cold neutrality. Alexis knew she wasn't going to agree, she was too narrow minded to accept another way of thinking. There was no speech that could change Vivienne's mind but Alexis knew things would eventually smooth down with the First Enchanter. But this speech hadn't been about Vivienne, it had been about reaching out to the people here, making them understand that there could be another way. She wasn't certain she had achieved that much. At least she had tried.

Silence still looming over the room, she picked up her book and turned away. That's when she finally saw Cullen. Somehow his reaction had been the one she was most afraid to see but when her gaze settled on him her heart leaped in her chest. He was smiling. It was very discreet, just a small tug at the corner of his lips. It was there nonetheless and it grew wider when their eyes met. Alexis couldn't help but smile in return. It was hard but she managed to snatch her gaze away from the Commander and she walked out of the Chantry, grinning.

 _So much for my dramatic exit!_ She thought. _Dorian will never let me hear the end of it._


	24. Chapter 24

A/N : Hi there! A small update today, moving forward with the main story. I know it's about time! I also wanted to say thank you again to all the people who have followed the story and to Jenn and Kimmyycubb for their reviews on the last chapter. I hope I'll be able to make several updates in the next days, with the week-end coming my beta-reader will probably have time to correct more chapters!

Anyway I hope you will have a nice time reading this new chapter!

* * *

Eyes closed, arms crossed, one of her feet pulled up to rest against the stones, she was leaning against what was left of a wall of the Temple of Sacred Ashes. She could hear the people around her, the mages taking their places on the ground and on the upper level, some inquisition soldiers pacing nervously.

It had taken some time for everyone to reach the heart of the temple. Keeping to herself Trevelyan had stayed on her own, taking time to concentrate, on what exactly she didn't know. Most of the magic of the mark she used on mere instinct. All she had to do to close rift was to think about it and the mark would react, working its magic on its own. It wasn't like casting a spell. Even if most of the spells she used she needed no concentration to make them work, she still had to draw from the Fade. She was feeling none of that when using the mark. Sure it was draining part of her strength and willpower and it sometimes could be painful, but it was different from all other magic she had encountered.

She heard footsteps drawing closer and opened her eyes to see Cullen, clad in his usual full plate armor coming towards her.

"Everyone is in place and ready."

He said to her, looking serious and Commander-like.

"Then I guess it's time to put on a show!"

She meant for it to sound light but deep down she was a bit anxious. She propped herself up from the wall, unfolding her arms.

"Whenever you're ready Trevelyan."

He smiled to her looking confident and it warmed her from the inside. Being angry at him had done much in the past days to push her attraction aside. Now that the matter was resolved quelling the feelings he elicited in her was much harder.

A small sigh passed her lips. She was too stressed right now to register or deal with anything else then the task awaiting her. She removed the glove covering her left hand and looked down at the mark covering it. It glowed regularly with the same blazing green of the Breach, pulsing, reacting to its closeness. It had to work. She had to succeed this time. It was all that really mattered.

"Alright, let's go." She said glancing sideways at Cullen.

She walked up near the center of the Breach and looked around. Among the mages she saw Lara who quickly flashed a smile of encouragement to her. Behind her she heard Cassandra calling out to the mages, gathering their attention. Solas was at the Seeker's side guiding them.

"Focus past the Herald, let her will draw from you."

It was time. Alexis raised her hand, stepping closer to the center of the Breach the mark was shining bright and she could feel a resistance with each step she took, the magic sending jolts of electricity coursing throughout her body. She greeted her teeth at the feeling to keep her focus. Around her she felt the mages pouring out their power for her to draw on. The mark absorbed it and she felt the pain recoiled. She stepped further, easier this time, and raised her arm. The flow of magic grew more powerful with each passing second the green light pouring out from it brighter. She had to close it. Holding onto that thought she used all of her strength.

A bright and white flash surged out from the Breach and a shockwave rocked the temple, knocking everyone down. Alexis was brutally pushed back and she fell to the ground, landing on her side. Suddenly, everything was dead silent, as if the world had come to a halt. Was it over? Had they succeeded? She moved and felt a sharp pain on her shoulder and her hip where her body hit the stone but she ignored it and tried to stand up. She looked to the sky and despite the stars dancing before her eyes she could finally see it. The Breach was gone.

She was on one knee when she heard Cassandra. The Seeker was standing beside her, placing her hand on her shoulder and simply said "You did it!" Alexis pushed herself up on her feet her head spinning a little but still gazing up. No more Breach. It was closed! The sky was still torn, as if it would forever keep a scar, but the looming green light was gone. The Breach was closed.

A heavy weight was immediately lifted from her chest. She turned around and everyone burst in cries of joy and celebration! Even Solas was actively participating in the elation of the moment. Laugh welled up in her chest and she hugged Cassandra. The seeker returned the embrace then smiled to her as they parted. In the distance she saw Lara cheering and smiling along with the other mages. It was a moment of sheer joy for everyone. Finally she saw Cullen, walking up to her, a bright smile on his face reaching all the way to his eyes.

"It's over, you succeeded." He said, reaching her side. "We should go back to Haven when you are ready. Everyone there will want to celebrate the victory."

"That actually sounds like a good idea."

"I'm sure everything will be ready, Josephine has been dying to throw a party." Cassandra added with not much enthusiasm. She and the Ambassador clearly didn't shared tastes regarding celebrations.

"Then we should go! We wouldn't want to keep her waiting." Alexis teased.

"That would indeed be bad!" Cullen said.

They all shared a smile and started to walk but after a few steps Alexis suddenly felt dizzy and she stumbled. Cullen caught her in time, sliding an arm around her waist.

"Are you alright?" He sounded alarmed.

"Yes, I just feel… drained." She said, her hand resting on his shoulder, holding onto him to keep her balance.

"Cassandra, can you lead the men down to Haven? I'll stay with Trevelyan." Cullen asked.

"It's fine! It will pass in a moment." Alexis dismissed, straightening up, but the world was spinning a little around her. Feeling that she was still teetering, Cullen didn't release his hold on her.

"Of course Commander." Cassandra flashed a grin at them and walked away.

"Really it's alright Cullen. I just need a minute."

"The first attempt at closing the Breach knocked you out for days. You shouldn't push yourself right now." He looked at her, concern creasing his brows.

"Well you should hope I don't suddenly fall unconscious, otherwise you're going to have to carry me all the way down!" She joked nudging his shoulder with her own as she was still leaning against him.

"I wasn't planning on doing heavy lifting today so if you could avoid fainting on me that would be great." He was openly teasing her, a small smirk turning the corner of his lips upward.

"Careful there, I can still convincingly fake it. Just to annoy you." She said, pushing herself upright feeling steadier on her feet.

"You'd have to do worse than that to annoy me Trevelyan." He let his hand down, releasing her waist smiling a little bashfully to her.

Why was he so handsome, especially when he smiled like that? And Maker why was that damn scar making his lips so enticing? Right now all she wanted to do was to purposefully fall and have him catch her in his arms, just to prove that she could do it… Just to be closer to him.

"Don't tempt me Cullen."

She had meant to say it as a joke, to tease him in return but it didn't come out that way. Instead it sounded like a plea, her voice saddened by the excruciating pain of the feelings she couldn't allow herself to act on. She cared about him and it scared her more than she could admit. Because in her life, caring too much for someone, for a man, had always end in suffering. The Circle had taught her that much. Being a mage had taught her that much.


	25. Chapter 25

A/N : First update of the week-end. I hope I will be able to add one more chapter before it's over. Thanks to all of you for reading!

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"No Bull! She's off limit!"

"Why Boss? You know I have a thing for redheads and your friend is really bonny!"

Trevelyan glared daggers at the big Qunari sitting next to her. Most of her companions were there. They had dragged together several tables of the tavern to accommodate everyone along with the many bottles they had planned to drink that night.

"I know she is but you should forget about it. As I said, Lara is off limit! Don't give me a reason to punch you."

"Hahaha! Your punches aren't bad enough to scare me Boss" He laughed clapping his hand on his thigh.

"Even magical ice punch?" She said with a wide grin and Bull stopped laughing, instead of Varric Dorian and Blackwall who all laughed at the Qunari.

"Alright alright! I get it. But honestly why are you so protective with her? It's not as if I was going to convert her to the Qun! Just spend some quality time!"

"I know Bull, but she is more innocent on the subject than you might think! Way more innocent than you that's for certain."

"Reaaaally?" He said with a smirk at the corner of his lips. "Because you are no shy mouth when it comes to sex. Strange that your friend would be more uptight than you."

Alexis rolled her eyes and snatched a bottle of wine to refill her glass.

"I spent quite some time with mercenaries after the rebellion, remember? It got me plenty of occasions to loosen up on the subject!" Trevelyan said, insisting on the double meaning of her words with a grin that made them laugh.

"Yeah what was their name again, Iron Fist?" Varric asked putting down is tankard of ale. "You have to tell us more about it! A circle mage from a noble family who ends up in a mercenary company, you don't see that often."

"Yes Iron Fist. They operate mostly in the Free Marches and Antiva." Alexis said. "I spent a lot of time near Markham and Hercinia with them. And I ended up there because it was the safest place for me to be at the time. I couldn't stay with my family, people would have known I was there and Templars could have shown up at the door. So my father got this idea. If I was in a mercenary company I would be incognito and protected. Because even if word got out that they had a mage with them, no Templars chasing apostates in pairs or small groups would want to pick up a fight with them. He knew the commander of the Iron Fist from reputation and through some contacts, so he made a deal. And that was it! They took me in and even got paid for the eventual fighting for my protection."

She had pulled her necklace from underneath her clothes. Two silver pendants were hanging from it. One, the same that Lara had, an incomplete hourglass. Lydia had given it to them. It was a symbol meant to represent both their youthful impatience and the fact that a mage never stops learning, knowledge and magic being infinite. The second represented a small fist. Damian, the leader of the Iron Fist, had given it to her. She smiled at the memory.

"Sounds like a wise man your father!" Blackwall said and Alexis nodded, she loved her father, he was the only member of her family with whom she still had a strong bond. Somehow she still cared for her mother and her older brother and sister, but they had become strangers to her. Her father was the only one she could count on and who had done everything to protect her.

"You must have learned a lot of things with them." Blackwall continued. "They have quite a reputation in the Free Marches! And their commander, Damian Lockhart, he is known to be quite a swordsman."

"Yeah he is." Trevelyan confirmed. "And yes, I wasn't a bad fighter when I joined them, but I definitely got way better with them. Damian taught me a lot. It was hard, mostly at the beginning. I had spent nearly all my life in the circle, with all my basic needs tended to. It was difficult to acclimate to that new life. And he trained me really hard. But I'm grateful. Thanks to him now I can kick a Qunari's ass without my magic." She sneered at Bull.

"Don't get too cocky. You still used your naughty magic tricks the last time we spared!"

"Only because I know you like it when I fight dirty." She said teasing him, looking at him while running her tongue alongside her upper lip.

"Careful Boss or I might settle for the brunette with a nice ass for tonight."

"See, now it's Bull who wants to shove his Thing up people's arses!" Sera said loudly to Dorian so everyone around the table could hear it, driving laugh from everybody beside Cassandra who rolled her eyes and Solas who discreetly hid his smile behind his glass of wine.

The conversation went on, changing several times of subjects as they all laughed and rejoiced in the moment. The Breach was closed and they could catch their breath. They could savor the victory as if tomorrow held no battles. Alexis knew somehow that this wasn't over. What she and Dorian had seen in this dark future was proof of that. Someone, this Elder One, was behind the explosion of the Conclave and in her heart she knew she would have to face him. But not now, now was meant for celebration. So she poured herself another glass and joked and laughed. Relishing this moment shared with her friends.

Dorian was telling a story when Cullen walked into the tavern. Alexis found her gaze immediately enraptured by him. Never before a man had had such an effect on her. And the alcohol now running in her veins was making it hard to keep both her feelings and her wandering eyes at bay. He walked past their table, giving a quick nod to the people gathered there, and went to see some of his men who were sitting at a nearby table. They were just in front of Alexis which made it even harder for her to keep her gaze away from him.

She could be damned if in that moment all she could think of wasn't stripping him and pushing him onto a bed. She bit her lip and tried to look away, without success. Her eyes were still wandering on his broad shoulders and down his fine ass.

It's just because it has been a long time since you have slept with a man she thought to herself. He wouldn't be so enticing if you had had some kind of physical relief lately. It's only because of that, she kept repeating in her head yet knowing there was something else. Something she had a hard time admitting.

"Quit starring Frostbite."

The sound of Varric's voice steered her away from her reverie. She knew he had caught her looking at the Commander and somehow she managed to slap a convincing grin on her face while looking at the dwarf.

"Why? Because there's a "do not touch" sign on it doesn't mean I can't look at it!"

"You saucy minx!" Dorian said "Did I ever said that I love how your mind works?"

"You mean that you too like to watch the Commander's fine ass…set?" Alexis teased, drawing laughs from both Dorian and Varric.

"I have to admit I find your taste in men quite interesting, if not appealing. Thought I have to ask, why the "do not touch"? I'm sure he wouldn't mind!" Dorian added smiling brashly at her.

"Don't go there Dorian."

"Why not? Because I swear, sweetheart if you don't give it a try, I promise I will! It doesn't matter if I'm already outplayed by you in the matter, I just might earn myself a nice blush from the Commander, and it'll be worth it!"

"Outplayed by me?" She raised a brow at Dorian sounding dubious.

"You may be the last to have realized it sweetheart, but everybody, well I at least, have seen the looks you two throw at each other when you believe no one is looking."

"There is nothing to see." Trevelyan said, standing up and heading for the counter to order more ale and wine.

She had hoped it would gain her some time alone to clear her head and chase away Cullen from her thoughts but Dorian had another plan. He joined her, leaning against the wooden bar right next to her with a rascally smile on his face.

"Alexis, don't you forget that I have seen the two of you in this dark future. I know everything about your little secret, your hidden attraction, your shameful desires for the ravishing Commander. Call it whatever you like!"

She sighed, resting on her forearms, pointedly not looking at him.

"It's not as easy as you think Dorian."

"You like him and I'm pretty sure he likes you! That looks simple enough to me!"

"It is not." She said looking down and sounding miserable.

"Care to explain sweetheart?"

Alexis took a deep breath. She glanced at Cullen from the corner of her eyes and then settled them on Dorian, her friend, with whom she had been through this dark future.

"I it's just… too hard… I can't. You don't know what it's like, you're from Tevinter! But here in the south, if you're a mage you can't let yourself be close to someone, even worse love someone. In the Circle it gave Templar too much power if there was someone you cared about and you couldn't stand to lose. And outside the circle well, you're just a mage, not regular people. And it justifies using you and locking you up. So I can't…it's just…" She sighs, looking down. "Cullen was a Templar, no good can come of it."

"You're no longer in the Circle Alexis. And he is no longer a Templar. There is no good excuse for you not to try."

She knew Dorian was trying to help her, in his own way. But he couldn't understand. He couldn't fathom how broken her heart had been in the past. He couldn't imagine the suffering she had been through nor how lousy she was when dealing with a man she cared about. Sex she could handle, love, she couldn't.

"I know but… It's not only that. To survive I have grown stronger and I don't bend to just anyone's will. I'm not soft. I'm the kind of woman men like to fuck once in a while because they sometimes need something rough, and they can't go rough with the miss at home. But what they want at home and in their everyday life is soft and obedient. Most men and warriors especially, would never stay with a woman who can stand up to them, someone like me."

She bit her lips looking away. Her experience in life had led her to believe that. She had suffered enough not to let herself hope that one day it could be different.

"Well trust me on that part. I'm sure the Commander doesn't care about soft and obedient, he cares about you."

Alexis looked at Dorian and then let her gaze slipped away to Cullen who was still standing near to his soldiers, completely unaware of the discussion involving him. Could she allow herself to care about him? She wanted to, so why was it so hard to let herself feel again.


	26. Chapter 26

A/N : Hi everyone! I had a busy week-end and I only got the time to make another update this evening. As always thank you all for reading!

* * *

"Move! Keep going! The Chantry is your shelter!"

The last people ran inside as chancellor Roderick was saying those words. Trevelyan made sure that all her companions had made it there before going in herself, the doors shutting quickly behind her. From the corner of her eyes she saw Cole helping up a wounded Roderick to walk.

"He tried to stop a Templar. The blade went deep. He's going to die."

"What a charming boy." The chancellor said as Cole was helping him to sit down.

Alexis was still standing near the doors when Cullen walked quickly towards her.

"Herald! Our position is not good. That dragon stole back any time you might have earned us."

"I've seen an Archdemon. I was in the Fade, but it looked like that." Cole said with a strange and placid voice.

"I don't care what it looks like. It has cut a path for that army. They'll kill everyone in Haven!"

Cullen was trying to keep a straight face and his worries for himself. As a Commander part of his job was to keep morale up and it meant not letting his own fears tarnish the spirit of the men he commanded. But right now their situation felt hopeless.

"The Elder One doesn't care about the village. He only wants the Herald."

Cole looked upon her with strange pale eyes. She knew. She couldn't tell how but she just knew. This boy, Cole, was right. This Elder One was after her. She had finally seen him. So far he had only been this faceless threat that had haunted her and filled her nightmares since Redcliffe. Somehow, despite how monstrous he had been in her dreams the reality was far worse than what she could have ever imagined. She shook her head, chasing the memory and quickly looked around. The Chantry was more crowded than ever. All those lives and they depended on her.

"I'll go. If it's me he wants and it can save the people here then fine, he can have me."

Cullen was ready to protest, to say that she just couldn't sacrifice herself like that when Cole spoke again.

"It won't. He wants to kill you. No one else matters, but he'll crush them, kill them anyway. I don't like him."

"You don't like…?" Cullen was puzzled by this strange boy but there was no time now to dwell on it. He looked back at Trevelyan. "Herald, there are no tactics to make this survivable. The only thing that slowed them was the avalanche. We could turn the remaining trebuchets, cause one last slide."

"We're overrun. To hit the enemy, we'd burry Haven." She sounded helpless, she couldn't believe it was the only way, their only option.

"We're dying, but we can decide how. Many don't get that choice."

Resolve was clear in Cullen's voice. He didn't like the thought more than she did, but it was that or be slaughtered by the red Templars. A bloody and messy way to die. It would be better that way, for everyone.

"Yes, that. Chancellor Roderick can help. He wants to say it before he dies."

Both Cullen and Alexis turned their gaze to the chancellor.

"There is a path. You wouldn't know it unless you'd made the summer pilgrimage. As I have. The people can escape. She must have shown me, Andraste must have shown me so I could…tell you."

Hope welled up in her chest and she approached Roderick.

"What path? Do the people here can take it and escape?"

"It was whim that I walked the path. I did not mean to start…it was overgrown. Now, with so many in the Conclave dead, to be the only one who remembers… I don't know, Herald. If this simple memory can save us, this could be more than mere accident. _You_ could be more."

That this man, who had opposed her from the beginning and wanted her dead, now started to believe in her, believe that she could be touched by some kind of faith was more than astonishing. Somehow it leaden the weigh she already felt on her shoulders. Nonetheless she pushed the feeling aside, if there was any hope to save the people in Haven they had to act quickly.

"What about it, Cullen? Will it work?" She asked looking at the Commander.

"Possibly. If he shows us the path."

"Then go. I will buy you the time you need. If that thing is here for me, I'll make him fight for it." She said, determined.

Fear, brutal and irrational, ensnared Cullen as he thought of Alexis going out to face this Elder One.

"But what of your escape? When the mountain falls? What about you?"

She looked away from him. She couldn't stand his gaze right now, the fear in his eyes, the concern in his voice. If she looked at him she knew her resolve would crumble. She couldn't afford to give in, she had to remain strong.

"Perhaps you will surprise it, find a way…" Cullen tried to sound hopeful. He needed to believe she would make it. She still wouldn't meet his eyes and he turned around to shout orders at his men. "Inquisition! Follow Chancellor Roderick through the Chantry! Move!"

Cole was helping the Chancellor on his feet when he looked at Trevelyan one last time.

"Herald… if you are meant for this, if the Inquisition is meant for this, I pray for you."

Prayers had never meat much to her, yet she found herself silently thanking him with a small bow of her head. No harm in indulging a dying man after all, especially the one which carried the only hope for the people of Haven to escape this battle alive.

"I will send soldiers with you to load the trebuchets. Keep the Elder One's attention until we're above the tree line." Cullen said walking back to her and this time their eyes met. "If we are to have a chance… if you are to have a chance… let that thing hear you." He told her with a strong and steady voice despite the struggle and inner turmoil he was feeling. He was trying to keep his fears and emotions at bay, for the sake of everyone here. Yet it did nothing to dim how torn he was between his duty to all the people in Haven and the need he felt to protect her.

He could see the pain in her eyes beneath the mask of resolve she was wearing. She looked afraid and torn as well. For a brief moment he felt her reaching for him, her lips parted to say something, then it was gone and she began to walk away. Cullen felt his gut sank. He couldn't let her go like that. He grabbed her wrist, closing the distance between them and she turned around. Words rushed through his head, things he wanted to say feelings he wanted to confess. It was an overwhelming sensation, something he had never experienced before. It was so strong that in the end he was incapable to express it.

"Be careful out there Alexis." _And come back to me alive_.

He wanted to say it aloud so she would now that he cared but the words died on his lips. He lifted is hand to cup her cheek, so perhaps this gesture would tell her what his words had been unable to. His fingers lightly brushed her skin and she suddenly looked down, trying to hide her emotions.

"I will. Keep them safe." She said her voice shaking.

Alexis pressed her face into Cullen's hand for a fleeting second. It took all the will she had left to tear away from his touch. Her heart aching, she turned away from him and headed for the doors. She had to go now or she would no longer have the strength to leave. She heard him calling out for the soldiers to go and load the trebuchet. She glanced around quickly, seeing those soldiers standing up and starting to walk towards her. She saw her friends, her companions, drained but all ready to follow her. In that moment she realized that she couldn't let them risk their lives. They had to be safe and there was no being safe once they would be outside these doors.

The soldiers were approaching and from the corner of her eyes she saw Solas gripping his staff, Blackwall unsheathing his sword, Varric ready with Bianca in his hands, Dorian, Bull, Cassandra, Vivienne, Sera. She knew they were awaiting her signal and whomever she would call out for help would answer. She didn't call any, not this time. This was her fight and her fight alone.

She ran for the door and pushed it open. She heard someone cry out her name then others calling out when they realized what she was about to do. It didn't stop her. She stepped outside and turned around to push the door shut. She saw him, Cullen, confusion and fear clear on his face.

"I'm sorry." She said although she knew he was too far away to hear her.

The door closed and she laid her hands on the wooden panel. She had to act quickly, before anyone could open it. Ice began to spread from her hands, soon covering the entire door. She heard and felt someone pushing to open it. She renewed her efforts and the ice grew thicker, creating a wall in which the door was encased.

Her hands finally dropped to her sides, her work done. Silent tears had run alongside her cheeks and she wiped them with the back of her hand. They would all have a chance to escape, a chance to live. They deserved it. The Elder One wanted her, she was the one who had been marked, it was her calling and nobody else needed to die for it. It was better this way.

Inside the chantry Cullen was left crestfallen and wrenched, his hands resting on the ice that was now preventing anybody from reaching the door. He wanted to scream, to break through her spell with his bare hands if needed and run out to her. Why had she done that? Why had she decided to sacrifice herself? He sighed heavily. Nor he nor any of her companions had been able to stop her and block her spell. Despite the ragging part of him that wanted to tear out this barrier keeping him away from Alexis, he knew it was over. There was no way he or anyone could break through all the ice and freed the door in time. She was alone out there. Alone to face the Elder One.

"Come Curly. She made her decision. There is nothing we can do now."

Varric looked as stunned as he was. He spoke the truth nonetheless and Cullen propped himself up. It wasn't over yet. People still needed him, he had his own duty to fulfill and it had to come before his feelings. If there was any chance Alexis could survive they had to evacuate quickly. The sooner she would receive the signal the better were her chances to escape. Strengthening his resolve with that thought Cullen walked through the Chantry. He was the last one to go through the passage. As he closed the way behind him he prayed.

 _Maker watch over Alexis and keep her safe._

* * *

A/N: I know this last part doesn't goes the same way as in the game, normally you fight alongside some of your companions, but for me I always felt that this scene played out that way for gameplay reasons. I mean, what are the odds that they would actually run away and leave you behind once Corypheus arrives? Anyway, that's how I imagined things. Hope you liked it as well.


	27. Chapter 27

A/N : Hello everyone! Sorry for the late update, this week has been really busy. I wanted to thank you all for reading. And also a big thank you to Princess Destinee and Kimmyycubb for their lovely reviews!

* * *

She regained consciousness only to awake to a world of pain. There was a pounding in her head and a sharp pain was radiating from her right side. She hissed when she tried to move, her arm feeling numb. Her thoughts were foggy and she tried to recollect what had happened.

She had left the Chantry, red Templars were approaching but she had avoided them, cloaking herself in the veil and passing unnoticed. She had run for the trebuchet and aimed it to cause the avalanche. That's when the Elder One had come. His dragon had cut out every way to escape. He had wanted her to submit but she had refused. And then? She couldn't recall, her memory was still blurry.

Greeting her teeth she forced herself to sit up despite the throbbing ache. How long exactly had passed? Not much she guessed, her cuts were still fresh. She could feel blood on her face, probably from a wound on the side of her head and there was a thin wooden stick lodged in her leg, probably from when she had fallen into this well, cavern, whatever it was. She tried to reach for the piece of wood but moving her arm sent her crying out from the sudden pain. She must have broken something when she had landed on the ground. Tears welled in her eyes and she collapsed on the floor, unable to move for several minutes her breathing ragged.

Concentrating on something else than the ache coursing through her body she tried to remember what had happened next. This Elder One had said something about Corypheus, that was his name. He had this orb in his hand and he had said he was there for the Anchor. The mark on her hand…. Everything slowly came back to her, how he had tried to remove this Anchor, how he told her of his plan to assault the Heavens. When Corypheus had realized the Anchor was permanent he had tried to kill her. That's when she had seen the signal and managed to fire the trebuchet and cause the landslide.

Now she was here. How she had managed to survive the avalanche was still foggy. But she was alive and if she wanted to remain that way she needed to get out and find the others. She used what was left of her powers to heal the most crippling injuries. Her arm was still stiff after the spell but she could move again and she wrenched the wooden stick from her thigh. She cried out her sight blinded for a brief moment. Gritting her teeth she assessed the wound. It wasn't too deep which meant a bandage would have to do for the moment. Tearing a piece of cloth from her shirt she wrapped it around her leg. She made a tight knot and avoiding best she could to rest her weight on her wounded leg she rose painstakingly to her feet. Time to move on.

* * *

Cullen had helped set up the camp. It was easy, mechanical and most importantly it kept his mind busy. They were lost somewhere in the Frostbacks with many wounded and nearly no supplies. They had escaped Haven, most of them in one piece, but if they didn't quickly find a solution for the food and shelter, it would no longer matter. People would starve to death or from the cold. But those thoughts too were merely mechanical and practical. His emotions and feelings were numb. It was the only way for him to carry on right now. He needed to stay busy. He couldn't let his thoughts wander. He couldn't let himself think about Alexis. Was she dead, alive? She could be alone somewhere bleeding out to death and they had no way to help her. Thinking of her was killing him and he needed to remain operational, for the sake of everyone else. He wouldn't let her sacrifice be in vain.

He was looking at a map of the region with Leliana and Cassandra, trying to figure out where they could be, when one of his scouts arrived, running and nearly screaming.

"There's someone on the path behind us! On the other side of the ridge!"

All their heads quickly turned to the man as he was running the last steps and stopped in front of them, panting.

"Enemy?" Leliana asked.

"I don't know I've seen only one person. I preferred not to wait before warning you."

Hope, a stupid and fool's hope seized Cullen. No rational thinking could stop him and he rushed as fast as he could, heading for the top of the ridge, Cassandra and the scout on his heels. It could be her. Maker please, it had to be her.

* * *

She was freezing to death. She was exhausted and clearly not equipped to face the blizzard. She was shaking and she could barely feel her fingers. She wrapped her arms around her, slipping her hands beneath her coat to keep them as warm as she could right now.

She was so tired. For how long she had been walking into this deserted snowy landscape? She had fallen several times along the way and each time it had been harder to get up. The warm embrace of darkness was more appealing than the stinging cold. She was so tired and she was hurting so much. Every movement she made was sending flickers of pain, and each new step was more difficult than the last. Her wounded leg was making it harder to move, a ripped pain burning in her thigh with every step. The snow was up to her knees and pulling her feet up to keep moving was excruciating. She just wanted to lie there and sleep a little, where would be the harm? She just wanted to stop for a moment. But a voice in her head pushed her forward, one painful step after the other.

She lost track of time, track of where she was going. Her body and mind were numb, drained from all thoughts and sensation. She made another step, the last. Her legs couldn't take it anymore. She fell on her knees, barely registering anything. The blizzard was howling all around her, wrapping its icy fingers around her. Out of strength and frozen to the bone, the bite of the wind was the only sensation that remained and somehow, in the distance Alexis could swear it carried the sound of Cullen's voice. If this was how death was supposed to call her to her side, then it was a cruel joke. Cullen was safe and far away, she was alone here, alone to die.

She collapsed onto the snow. It was over.

* * *

"There! It's her!"

Cullen saw her falling down and he picked up speed to reach her. A second later he was on his knees beside her.

"Thank the Maker!" Cassandra said before turning to the soldiers who had accompanied them. "Go back to the camp now! Warn Solas, the Herald will need a healer!"

"Trevelyan? Can you hear me?" Cullen called, gently cradling her into his lap. "Alexis?"

Her eyes barely fluttered open before shutting down and he looked frantically at her, discovering the wounds and the blood she had on her head and leg. Her skin was deadly pale and her lips were blue from the cold. They had to get her warm and quickly.

"I'm going to get you outa here, you're safe now."

He said softly, removing his mantle. He pulled Alexis closer to his chest and he wrapped it around her, her head now cradled in the thick fur of his cloak. It wasn't much but it was all he had for now. He carefully slid his arms beneath her shoulders and legs and lifted her up. She wailed from some unknown pain as he rose to his feet and he settled her more closely against him. Her eyes flickered open for a brief moment and she mumbled something that sounded like his name.

"Yes it's me. Hold on." He said, sounding more desperate then he sought.

Her eyes closed again and her head lolled back against his shoulder. Ignoring his own exhaustion, ignoring the weight of her body in his arms Cullen carried her back all the way to the camp without stopping once. All that mattered was to bring her to a healer, save her.

"Don't you dare die on me now Trevelyan." He said to her ear as they neared the camp.

People had already gathered to witness their arrival and whispers quickly spread thorough the camp _"It's the Herald!" "They found the Herald!" "The Herald is alive!"_

Cullen didn't pay attention to them as he didn't care, he walked straight to a large tent where Solas and Leliana were already waiting. He carried Alexis inside and laid her on the cot they had prepared for her. Solas went to her side and he quickly assessed her injuries. He carefully touched the side of her head searching for the source of all the blood she had on her face and in her hair. Finding a swelling and a small gash, he cast a first spell and a blue aura flickered around his fingers, as the healing magic worked to mend her flesh. He then moved his hands to her side, lifting her shirt to discover large bruises covering her hip and rib cage. Solas used another spell to close her internal injuries. Last he tended to her leg, removing the makeshift bandage. The wound had deepened with the forced walk she had done but again the magic was enough to close it. Once done the elf looked at Trevelyan and laid his hand on her forehead.

"She's in hypothermia. No healing magic can help with that, we need to keep her warm. Leliana, Cassandra, could you remove her clothes? They are soaking wet and she needs to get warmer very quickly!"

"Of course Solas." Leliana said as the elf walked out of the tent to let the two women undress Trevelyan in private. "Commander?"

Cullen hadn't moved, too focused and worried about Alexis to register what was going on around him.

"Yes?"

"I know you are for worried for the Herald's life but could you step out of the tent for a minute? And if in the meantime you could fetch some more blankets it could be nice." Leliana said to him, already working to unfasten the laces of Trevelyan's boots.

"Sure."

He realized he had been staring and that his presence clearly wasn't wanted as the two women were undressing Alexis. He walked out of the tent, worry nipping at his gut. Earlier he dreaded only to think about her, doing everything he could to keep his mind busy. Now there was nothing that could prevent him from thinking about her and fear for her.

All around him the camp was buzzing with the news of the Herald's survival. The word miracle was already on some lips. Cullen didn't listen to them, he quickly gathered blankets and furs and went back to the tent. He slipped inside mindful not to look at Trevelyan.

"Maker's breath. I had no idea it was that bad." Cassandra muttered under her breath.

Alarmed by the Seeker's statement Cullen shot them a glance. Leliana and Cassandra had nearly finished undressing Trevelyan, her lower half was already tucked in beneath the sheets and she was now on her side, her back to them as they were removing the last pieces of her clothing. Her scars. That was what had Cassandra surprised. Cullen felt unable to look away, his eyes wandering along Alexis' back, following the marks edged on her skin. He couldn't help the image that came to his mind of her back bloody and flayed open and it sickened him. He couldn't understand how someone had done that to her. This time he also got a better look at the scars she had on her shoulder blade. It clearly looked as if made by some kind of knife. It was shaped like a "V" but another line, not as straight, was cutting it.

Leliana, having finished undressing Trevelyan, laid her on her back to cover her entirely and Cullen looked away quickly. He didn't want to be caught starring. Cassandra took the blankets he had brought and laid them on top of the others.

"Someone should watch over her." She said. "There is no telling how her condition might evolve."

"I will." It was out of his mouth before Cullen could think about it.

"You have already done enough for the day Commander. You need to rest." The Seeker protested.

"No more than you two. I will look after her."

His words were final and Leliana and Cassandra both conceded to his will. They left, asking him to warn them if there was any change in her condition. The flaps of the tent closed behind them and Cullen was left alone with Trevelyan. He sat beside her and after removing his gloves he laid his hand on her forehead. She was so cold and her skin was so pale, as if all the blood had been drained from her face. Except, of course, for the blood that had dripped from her wounds. The only sign proving that she wasn't dead was the rise and fall of her chest with a low breathing. Cullen made sure that she was well tucked in, dragging the sheets up to her chin.

"Come back to us Alexis. I know you can do it. We need you, I…need you."

If she had heard him there was no telling as she remained still, her eyes leaden. Seeing her so vulnerable was making Cullen's throat tighten with emotion. They were all so used at seeing the strong side of her. It was easy to forget that she was just a young woman who could be as fragile and broken as she could be fierce and unbound.

Cullen took a pitch of water and some clean cloth and he gently wiped the blood from her face. Once it was done he moved to her hair. He unfolded what was left of her braid and, strand by strand, he removed the dried blood from her hair. He had sometimes wondered what it would be like to ran his hand through her hair, he clearly had not expected it would be in such dire circumstances. Yet he smiled at the feelings of her soft locks slipping through his finger. Her long brown hair was usually straight, just a bit wavy on the lower half but they would curl after she braided them.

Cullen sighed inwardly. How could he remember such details about her? It wasn't something he cared about in general, or something he would notice about pretty much anyone else. It was only with her. Never before a woman had affected him in such a way.

* * *

Cullen had watched for the rest of the night, dozing off to sleep from time to time until she finally had woken up in the early hours of the morning. They had briefly talked. She was still weak and he merely had the time to tell her about how they had found her and where she was now before she had drifted off to sleep again. Cullen had immediately warned the others and relieved to know Alexis out of danger, he had allowed himself to snatch a few hours of real rest.

Nearly half a day after those events, they were all following her and Solas through the Frostbacks. She had recovered quickly, though her body seemed not to suffer from the aftermath, he could see she was troubled. He hadn't got the opportunity to talk to her since she had been back on her feet. It even looked like she was trying to avoid, not him, but pretty much everyone else besides the elf.

That's when it hit him. Everyone turning to her, singing, many of them kneeling, she had looked at them with shock if not dread. When Solas had called for her she couldn't have left quicker without running away. That's probably what she was trying to avoid. She disliked being called Herald of Andraste, for some reasons still unknown to Cullen, she clearly had issues with the Chantry. This moment of faith, if necessary as it had strengthened the hearths and resolve of the survivors, had everything to make her feel uneasy and on edge.

He found himself smiling at the irony of the situation. There they were, the Inquisition, an organization of the faithful and the symbol behind which they were gathering was a woman whose own faith she draw from life itself, refusing to be bound by words. As far as it was from his own faith, Cullen understood. Reading between the lines of what Alexis had confided to him of her past, he knew the Chantry was a source of pain and bad memories. It saddened him that events or perhaps someone had brought her enough suffering that it had made her lose faith.

To him the Chant of Light had always been a refuge, a way that had guided him through dark moments. He probably wouldn't have made it out of Kinloch Hold without the strength it had given him. The years had of course altered the way he related to the members of the Chantry, they were as human and as fallible as everyone else, but not the Chant itself. Nonetheless it was all far away from being branded as touched by Andraste herself, he couldn't deny that he too would feel very uncomfortable should he be in her shoes.

Cullen looked ahead, not far from him, on top of a rocky ridge, Trevelyan and Solas had come to a halt. As he approached she turned to him, smiling widely, her eyes shining. He quickly looked past her, and he saw it. His mouth immediately bobbed open as she softly said: "I believe we have found our new home."


	28. Chapter 28

A/N: Hello there! Again I wanted to say thank you to everyone who is still keeping up with the story and also a big thank you to AdventurousDreamer for the super nice reviews! It's always so great to read what you all think about the story. First chapter in Skyhold! I'm excited to begin this part and I hope you will enjoy reading it!

* * *

Skyhold. This place withstood no comparison. Beautiful and strong it was a shining jewel long lost in the winding of history. And it was theirs now. Hers, Trevelyan thought a bit possessively. Sure it was wobbly for now and needed hard work to earn back its former glory but the Inquisition would achieve that in no time.

She was sitting on the edge of the battlements, her legs dangling above the stairs leading down to the upper courtyard, admiring the view. She still marveled at how warm the air was here. Probably some old enchantments were protecting this place, shielding it from the cold wind of the Frostbacks, allowing plants and trees to grow. She smiled and, blissfully ignoring the soldiers patrolling not far from her, she laughed and laid flat on her back, looking at the sky.

For the first time in years, she felt some sense of home. She could stop watching her back in fear of some Templars discovering her and dragging her back to a Circle. She was the Inquisitor, their leader. As strange as it was, as confused and unsure as she felt regarding her newly appointed position, it meant freedom. No Chantry rules could lock her back behind bars or force her to flee. She could be herself and never have to hide.

She closed her eyes, dragging her feet up. The last days had been so strange. Waking up all tucked in beneath warm blankets and furs when she was fairly certain she was going to die, Cullen beside her. He had looked so exhausted and anxious. He had carried her to the camp, watched over her until she had regained consciousness. Alexis remembered Cassandra telling her about the man's stubbornness as he had refused to leave her side until he was sure she was out of danger. She felt bad to have worried him so much he had refused to rest, and at the same time she did not! Despite her better judgment she liked that he was the one who had watched over her.

Yet it wasn't the strangest thing about the last days. The talk with Mother Giselle and that fleeting moment when almost everybody had sung and turned to her, that clearly qualified as strange. If there had been some way for her to escape discreetly she would have fled. She couldn't understand why some people still believed she was chosen. If anything, her encounter with Corypheus had taught them that her mark was the result of a magical ritual gone wrong. She had interfered with his plans at the Conclave and doing so she had ended up with the Anchor. How exactly? She still couldn't remember. And it wasn't some Maker's will that she had survived the attack on Haven, nor had she came back from the dead as some had claimed. It was just thanks to her strong headed stubbornness and a good amount of luck. But couldn't her luck be the Maker's will? Alexis sighed. She hated questions of faith. She hated it even more when it was her own little voice that started questioning it.

In a swift move she propped herself up onto her feet. There was still much to be done today, Josephine already had a generous pile of papers and letters that needed her attention. They all reported to her now, Leliana, Josephine, Cullen… It was an odd shift in the chain of command. She was used to be the last resort decision maker and to operate somehow on the sideline of the three Inquisition leaders. She had also been glad not to be involved in all the matters regarding supplies and small talks. It all had changed with her becoming the Inquisitor and she could feel some of those changes would soon become a day to day reality.

What would become of her relationship with Cullen? Would he suddenly be different around her now that he answered to her? She chewed nervously on her lips and walked down the stairs thinking about him. No matter how hard she tried he would always come back in her thoughts. These thoughts had such a hold on her that she found herself heading for the lower courtyard rather than going to see Josephine. He was there, just down the stairs, leaning against a table, soldiers around him. Alexis walked down, her eyes never leaving him. She felt like a moth drawn to flame. The question was: how long could she resist him before getting herself burned?

"Send men to scout the area. We need to know what's out there."

He gave the order and two of the soldiers saluted him and left with a "Yes ser". As Trevelyan was stepping down the last stairs another one came by.

"Commander. Soldiers have been assigned temporary quarters."

"Very Good. I'll need an update on the armory as well… Now!" Cullen added on his deep and rough commanding tone as the young men didn't react immediately.

The poor lad left in a hurry to escape the Commander's glare. Hiding her amusement she walked up to stand next to him. He glanced in her direction and a hint of a smile played on his lips for a fleeting moment. It disappeared quickly in favor of his usual serious expression. Alexis realized how tired he looked as if he hadn't slept in days.

"Inquisitor." He greeted her.

She still wasn't used to being called that way, but she preferred it to Herald of Andraste. At least it was a title she had earned. It was practical and meant something. It wasn't made out by people putting too much faith and wild religious interpretation about her Mark and the way she had survived the conclave.

"Is everything alright?" She asked, resting with her hip against the table.

"We set up as best we could at Haven, but could never prepare for an Archdemon, or whatever it was. With some warnings, we might have…" The aftermath of the battle was weighing on him and he seemed at loss for words. As often when he was frustrated or troubled his hand went to the back of his neck.

"Do you ever sleep?" Trevelyan asked, trying to get him to relax but he looked away from her and leaned against the table with his hands.

"If Corypheus strikes again, we may not be able to withdraw… And I wouldn't want to. We must be ready. Work on Skyhold is underway, guard rotations established. We should have everything on course within the week. We will not run from here, Inquisitor."

The promise of a General, an army leader, and of a man concerned for the lives of those under him. There was a tension about him that talked of more than just worry and fatigue. Alexis could see it in the way his brow was creased, the way his jaw was set. There was something else troubling him but she couldn't really put her finger on it.

"How many were lost?" She asked, wondering if it could be the source of his trouble.

"Most of our people made it to Skyhold. It could have been worse." He looked back to her, confident again. "Morale was low, but has improved greatly since you accepted the role of Inquisitor."

"Inquisitor Trevelyan" she crossed her arms, glancing at him with a small smile. "It sounds odd, don't you think?"

"Not at all." He simply stated very serious.

"Is that the official response?" She sounded dubious.

He laughed a little and it was good to see that she could still elicit that from him.

"I suppose it is. But it's the truth." He said, straightening up to look at her directly. "We needed a leader; you have proven yourself."

"Thank you Cullen." She said and he smiled that damn and perfect half smile that tugged at the corner of his lips where he had his scar. "Our escape from haven… It was close. I am relieved that you...that so many made it out."

"As am I."

He saddened suddenly, ghosts casting shadows in his eyes and he looked down. She waited for a second, hoping it would pass and when it didn't she started to walk away. She had hurt him, more then she imagined, when she had gone off on her own to face Corypheus, sealing the Chantry with her magic.

"You stayed behind. You could have…" She stopped and he closed in on her, softly grabbing her wrist to make her turn around. He was just inches away from her now his gaze set on her. "I will not allow the events at Haven to happen again. You have my word."

Her heart skipped a beat at the power of his words. But it was the intensity and the sadness in his eyes that made her throat tighten. Eyes that had seen too much horror and suffering.

"You did everything you could at Haven, Cullen. If so many people are still alive it's thanks to you! What happened wasn't your fault. Corypheus is the only one to blame."

"But you…you nearly died! I should have been able to protect you."

There was anger lingering in his words, not towards her, towards himself, towards his inability to keep her safe. His gaze pierced right through her and she felt stripped from any defenses. She was the one who had made him suffer after all, even when she had tried hard to avoid it. Was she also the cause of his tension and strain?

"I couldn't let anyone else risk their lives! This was my fight. Corypheus wanted me. Giving him what he wanted was the only way to protect everyone, give you enough time to escape!"

"You made that decision yourself. But there are people here who care about you and who would risk their lives for you without blinking. I would risk my life any time to keep you safe."

"Cullen…"

The words eluded her, washed out by her emotions. She believed him, believed he would risk his life for her. No one, no man, had ever made such a confession to her. No man had ever cared about her in such a way.

"Please Alexis. Don't ever do that to me… anyone...again."

Shifting from his grip on her wrist she held his hand, lacing their fingers together. She couldn't feel his skin through his leather gloves but she imagined his hand would be rough and callused, the hands of a warrior, of someone who had spent most of his life holding a sword.

"I won't." She said with a sheepish smile. "And I will make everything in my power to be worthy of the trust that you Leliana Cassandra and Josephine have placed in me."

"We all have faith in you. We have all agreed on the decision to make you the Inquisitor, and you know how rarely that happens." Cullen smiled to her, lightly squeezing her hand in his.

"Yes I have noticed!" A small grin turned the corner of her lip upwards as she remembered how many times the four of them had been unable to reach a consensus. They had all such different experiences and point of views, but that's precisely what made them all so precious. She couldn't have hoped for better people to counsel her in the days to come.

"You are the leader we need. I don't doubt that for even a second."

"Thank you Cullen."

She was smiling to him when she suddenly felt his hand lightly shake in hers. His brow creased and he removed his hand that came to pinch the bridge of his nose. He was in pain, she could see it in his expression and in the tension in his jaw.

"Cullen? Is everything alright?"

She lifted her hand to his arm, wanting to comfort him but she felt him recoil from her touch. She dropped her arm to her side, biting her lips, feeling a little rejected even if she knew she shouldn't take it personally.

"It's just a headache. It will pass." He sighed, closing his eyes briefly.

"You need to rest. You look exhausted."

"No." He said his eyes snapping open, sounding a little vehement. "I still have a lot of work to do."

He looked back at the pile of papers and reports on the table. He still had a lot of reading ahead, and the renovation of the barracks and the armory to overview, he couldn't rest now. He couldn't falter nor let himself be tackled down by the symptoms of his withdrawal. Especially with Trevelyan near him, he had to endure it. Rest now would only make it worse, he wouldn't be able to escape his thoughts, escape the song of the Lyrium still burning in his veins, calling out for more.

"I'm sure it can wait until you feel better."

Trevelyan could feel there was something troubling him, she had sensed it earlier, she still had no idea what it was, but it was there nonetheless.

"There's no reason for you to worry, I'll be fine in a few minutes."

"I do worry about you. But, alright…" she sighed, forfeiting the debate. "Just take it easy. And if it becomes worse go get some rest, otherwise I'll have to come back and take care of it."

"Take care of it?" He glanced sideways in her direction quirking a brow.

"Yes I'm pretty sure I can give you an order now and you have to follow it. And believe me you don't want to make a habit of me bossing you around." She crossed her arms, a smirk playing on her lips.

Cullen chuckled, marveling at how she so often managed to make him smile or laugh with her light teasing. Despite the pain it helped pushing the unpleasant thoughts away.

"Afraid you might like to order Templars about?" He said sounding playful.

She leaned closer to him and whispered softly to his ear.

"Only the handsome one."

She winked and left him but not before catching a glimpse of the nice blush that was coloring the Commander's face and neck. She walked away, swaying her hips just a little so he wouldn't be able to keep his eyes off her. If Dorian could see her right now, she knew he would approve.


	29. Chapter 29

A/N : Hello everyone! I know it probably gets boring, but again thank you for the favs and the follows and to everyone who reads the story. Special thanks to AdventurousDreamer and Princess Destinee for their reviews on the last chapter, it made my day! I had a lot of fun writing this one and I hope you will like it!

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"I see. It's for your friend, Lara. It's her son you're looking for." Leliana told her with her usual soft voice.

"You know? Well... off course you know. I tend to forget that you have gathered quite a huge amount of information on me." Trevelyan frowned a little. She trusted Leliana but she wasn't comfortable with the fact that a person, who was a total stranger just a few months ago, could know so much about her life. It made her feel naked while fully clothed and she didn't like the feeling.

"It was my job to know more about you. We had no idea at first who you were, and with the power you had over the rifts it was a necessary precaution. I'm sure you understand."

"I do! It's just not the most pleasant feeling, knowing you have this… file on me."

"You are welcome to review it." Leliana said with a small cunning smile.

"I'm not sure I would like that." Alexis replied with a quiet chuckle.

"If that will make you feel more comfortable, you should know that I haven't collected information about you in a long time. I trust you Lady Trevelyan."

Alexis knew perfectly how well Leliana could play the game and how easily she could lie. Yet whenever she spoke privately with her she always felt the spymaster was honest with her.

"Thank you. Well anyway, do you think you could have someone look for him?"

"I have agents in the Free Marches, if there is a trail they will find it. I'll send word immediately and I will keep you posted as soon as I learn something."

"Thank you Leliana, I appreciate it."

Leliana left the room and Alexis took a seat at the table. The room she was sleeping in was small and had no place for a desk. Josephine had insisted she needed to have better quarters now that she was the Inquisitor. Every time the ambassador had come up with the matter Trevelyan had refused to have people working on making her more comfortable while there were still so many important things to be done to accommodate their soldiers and the refugees. So for now the war room was also her office. She was leaving for the Exalted Plains tomorrow and had to deal with as much paper work she could before her departure.

She looked at the pile of reports and at the letters from nobles she still had to read. Hopefully the majority would need no response from her as Josephine would have already taken care of it. She took the first one on the pile and started to read it. She was roughly halfway through the first page when she realized that she hadn't been paying attention at all, her mind wandering far away from the lines written on the paper before her. She tried to read it again, with the same result. Giving up, she settled the letter back with the others and fell back on her seat, her thoughts slowly drifting off to walk down memory lane.

 _"_ _Why does she refuse our help?"_

 _"_ _Lara is hurting too much. And right now I fear she doesn't want to feel better." Lydia says softly to her._

 _"_ _I just wished she would let us in. She has been like this for weeks, how long will it last?"_

 _Alexis is hurting too. Being shut down by her best friend, knowing she is hurting and being unable to help pains her. She knows it has no measure with how Lara must feel right now. She just can't imagine her friend's torment, it's too much to understand._

 _"_ _In time she will overcome the pain" Lydia tells her. "But it will never disappear Alexis, she will always carry it with her." Her mentor sighs heavily, guilt saddening her eyes. "I should have done something."_

 _"_ _We tried…I tried, and it failed! If only "he" had kept his mouth shut it might have worked."_

 _"'_ _He' is a Templar, and once they found out he was the father he had few choices."_

 _"_ _He should have at least given us time! Wait for the Knight-Commander rather than blabbing everything at the first question of the Knight-Captain!" Alexis says sounding bitter and angry._

 _"_ _Which reminds me, you need to be more careful with Knight-Captain Aiden. We don't know if your father's complaint will work. That Templar has already flogged you, and Maker knows what else he did that you're still hiding. I don't want you to make yourself more of a target with him." Lydia says very seriously._

 _"_ _You know everything he did." Alexis looks away, not wanting to remember what really happened._

 _"_ _Don't lie to me child, I know you as if you were my own!" Lydia says affectionately. "But that's not what I wanted to say. I should have…" She sighs, taking time to find the right words "I should have warned you about relationships with men. I should have done it years ago."_

 _"_ _Warns us?" Alexis asks, puzzled._

 _"_ _Yes! Tell you of the risks if you lay with a man. I know it was bound to happen. If I had told you of the precautions you should take before doing anything, I might have spared Lara all that suffering. I am so sorry." Tears begin to fell from Lydia's eyes_

 _"_ _It's not your fault! Lara wouldn't have to suffer if there weren't those stupid rules." Alexis says, taking Lydia's hand in her own._

 _Her mentor stays silent but she knows they both share the thought. Of the rules that bind mages in a Circle, this is perhaps one of the must cruel: you will never have a family. You lose the one you had once you enter these walls for the first time, and any future family you might try to have will be taken away from you._

 _One thing is certain for Alexis, from now one she will take all the precautions she can before sleeping with a man. She will never, ever be pregnant._

She opened her eyes, coming back to the present. She had never understood the depth of Lara's pain. It was too personal and at time it seemed too much for one person to bear. It was a pain so strong and devastating that it had changed her friend forever. As Lydia had said, in time she had found a way to live with it, to mourn and find the strength to carry on, but it never really left her. Alexis strongly hoped Leliana would find something and that she would be able to find the boy. What if she didn't? If there was no record, what then? Alexis didn't want to think about it and she really needed to be careful regarding what information she would pass on to her friend. Giving Lara false hope would destroy her.

She had witnessed Lara's agony. It had been so excruciating and overwhelming that Alexis had promised herself she would avoid being pregnant at any cost. She was a mage, no happiness could come from it, ever. She would carry her baby and it would be taken away from her the moment he entered the world.

This fear and conviction had pushed Alexis to learn everything she could to never find herself in that situation. And as abstinence wasn't her choice she had found other ways. Lydia had told of infusions that if taken properly would prevent the conceiving of a child. It was the main reason she had pushed her studies of herbalism. It reminded her that she had lost pretty much all her blends and balms with the destruction of Haven, contraceptive infusions and even the ointment she used for her scars. Not that the former had been of necessity for quite some time, nor was she planning on making use of it in the near future.

That's when inevitably Cullen came to her mind. His fine figure, his warm eyes, his enticing lips with that damn sexy scar. Trevelyan let out an exasperate sigh. Alright, part of her really wished for some kind of physical relief. A desire that was unlikely to reach any kind of fulfillment, so she tried really hard to forget about it and forget about the man causing it.

She focused back on the reports and the letters, a poor solution that would at least keep her mind busy. Once it would be done she would go out and find Bull Blackwall or Cassandra in order to hit something and let out at least part of her frustration.

* * *

Cullen was looking for the Inquisitor. He needed to keep her informed with the last disturbing news he had just received regarding the red Templars before she departed in the morning. He was now nearing the practice ground. One of his soldiers had told him she was there and he spotted her in the sparring ring. Dorian was facing her while Bull was leaning on the fence. The two mages were apparently fighting with magic only. Cullen wasn't always feeling at ease with that kind of training, but Dorian and Alexis knew how to handle themselves so he wasn't worried. Well at least until a giant burst of flames coming from the Tevinter mage sent a heat wave coursing throughout the place.

Startled by the sudden magical discharge, Cullen's eyes scanned frantically for Alexis as he nearly ran the last steps separating him from the sparring ring. His concerned was short lived as she emerged unscathed from the blast, having protecting herself with her own powers.

"Is it me or does it feel suddenly hot in here?" Dorian was looking particularly smug and self-content.

"That's why I hate Vints! Always have to brag about their tricks." Bull said to Trevelyan.

"Not so sure about that, I nearly had the time to catch a cold here." Saying so she shrugged off the last pieces of the ice that had covered her like an armor to protect herself from Dorian's spell.

"You both have no real appreciation for what was a flaming masterpiece." Dorian sounded falsely offended.

"All your fireballs are flaming masterpieces to you." Bull sneered.

"Absolutely true! I bring the art of putting men on fire to its peak!" Dorian said with a cocky grin.

Bull snorted and Alexis started to laugh. She had the hardest time to keep it in control, her shoulders shaking from her repressed laughter, tears in her eyes.

"Haha that's no great deed, I do that all the time and without magic." Bull said smirking to the Tevinter mage.

"So very sad. You have no idea what you're missing."

"Doesn't matter, I've got a long…"

"Boys! If you really are going to make those kinds of comparison, just drop the pants and be done with it!" Alexis cut Bull mid-sentence, wiping her tears with the back of her hand.

"Why? Are you offering to measure, Boss?" Bull said teasingly.

She rolled her eyes and that's when she heard someone clearing his throat to gather her attention. She turned around and saw Cullen. _Such a great timing to have a bad mouth Trevelyan_ , she said to herself.

"Is everything alright Inquisitor?" He asked a brow arched as he looked at both Dorian and Bull.

"Yes Commander. Dorian and I were just practicing, no need for your Templar senses to go all tingling." She said in a jest.

"That was a rather big fireball for a training match." Cullen was still frowning, concern clear in his voice.

"You see, even the Commander is impressed by my big fireballs." Dorian said haughtily to Bull as he came to lean on the fence next to him.

Alexis had all the pain in the world to keep a straight face and even had to bite her lips to refrain herself from laughing.

"You see what I have to deal with?"

"I do. Anyway, I need to speak with you Inquisitor. I finally got the reports investigating the red Templars and I'd like to brief you personally on the matter before you leave tomorrow."

Cullen could see how hard it must be to keep things serious and focused on work with Bull and Dorian so openly teasing her and each other. Throwing Varric and Sera in the mix, he sometimes wondered how Trevelyan managed to achieve anything in the field with them. Yet it seemed to work, and well enough.

"Oh, yes sure. Just give me a minute."

The seriousness of his voice and of the topic were more than enough to dissipate her envy for laughter. Red Templars, Samson, she knew it was making the Commander edgy. It was making her nervous too, she had to admit. If they had news it was better not to postpone dealing with them. She walked to the other side of the sparring ring to gather her jacket and to freshen up a little. There were always water buckets for the soldiers training.

Cullen's eyes lingered on her as she walked away. Bull and Dorian had come closer in the process and, as Cullen didn't avert his eyes quickly enough from Trevelyan, the comments were quick to be thrown at him.

"Still drooling over the Boss's ass?"

"I don't drool over her…ass. Or any part of her whatsoever." Cullen said on the defensive to Iron Bull, unable to help the faint hints of a blush that came to his cheeks. He wasn't acting as crudely as the Qunari was saying. Sure he was just caught looking at her. And he might have stared a few times when he caught her sparring or training. How not to? To him she was gorgeous. Her body was toned, with muscles in just the right places. Yet it wasn't too much and she still had soft and pleasing curves. Off course it was tempting to stare just a little. Yet Cullen didn't like the fact that others might have seen him do so.

"Hey I don't judge! She does have a fine ass." The Qunari smirked.

"You could almost have us believe you, if it wasn't for that adorable blush on your face." Dorian added slyly. "So, tell us Commander, when do you finally plan on taking our dear Inquisitor to your bed?"

"Maker's breath." He rolled his eyes, realizing Dorian and Bull were clearly not going to drop it "That is highly inappropriate of you to say. And you two are seeing things. There is nothing going on between me and the Inquisitor, she is…"

"She is a terrible and hopeless woman when it comes to sweet feelings, as are you Commander. I am merely trying to help the both of you here. Otherwise I fear we'll all have to endure your not so discreet glances at each other for a loooong time." Dorian was faking being bored when instead he was having a really good time messing with the Commander. After all, where was the harm in helping a friend and having a little fun along the way?

Cullen was ready to once again dismiss Dorian and Bull's innuendos when Alexis walked back to them. She had roughly cleaned herself up, beads of water still running down her cheeks and neck. She had slipped her jacket on though she let it open, still revealing the very fitting top she always wore while training. He silently cursed the Qunari and the Tevinter mage. Their banter had done nothing but place thoughts of Alexis in his head. And now he was supposed to spend time alone with her, in his office, while she was looking way too appealing. He could be damned if all he wanted right now was to lick those pesky and tempting little drops of water running down her neck.

"Shall we go?"

Trevelyan smiled unaware of the thoughts he was having about her right now. Hopefully for him, otherwise he would die of embarrassment.

"Sure." He said, turning away and walking towards his office as she followed next to him.

"You can deny all you want Cullen, but the only one you're fooling is yourself." Dorian shot him in a singsong voice.

"What was that about?" Alexis asked, giving Dorian a quick glance from over her shoulder.

"Nothing" he muttered between his teeth.

He knew too well how he was fooling himself denying his feelings. They were there and for some time now Cullen had come to accept there was no escaping them. At least in the privacy of his mind, because he wasn't planning on acting on them. And the fact that some of Alexis' close friends and companions were aware they existed wasn't good. He would never escape his attraction for her or the feelings she stirred in him if someone like Dorian had decided to remind him of them. Worse, tell him that they might be mutual.

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A/N : I know, I know, Bull and Dorian (and Alexis) are making crude comments and innuendos, again. But it seems I just can't get them to behave more properly in my head, so it's really their fault!


	30. Chapter 30

A/N : Hi everyone! Here is this week-end's update. With a bit of luck I'll have time to post another one soon. And thanks for the favs and follows and for the lovely reviews. I am always glad to know what you think of the story.

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"I take that the news are bad?" Trevelyan asked as she took place in a chair facing Cullen's desk.

"Yes. We finally found where the red Templars came from. Therinfal Redoubt."

She sighed, sinking in her chair a little. "That's why it was empty when the Chargers went to investigate. All they found was the trail of that demon they killed. Do you have any news regarding the Lord Seeker? He was supposed to be the one leading the Templars."

"No there's been no sign of him there. What we do know is that the knights were fed red lyrium until they turned into monsters. Samson took over after their corruption was complete."

Cullen was still standing up behind his desk. He was restless, everything related to the red Templars was making his skin crawl. A feeling enhanced by the mere notion that Samson was responsible for that disaster.

"We have to talk to Cassandra about this. From the beginning there was something wrong with Lord Seeker Lucius, she told me that much. He was the one who led the Templars to Therinfal and yet he wasn't there during the attack on Haven, so he must be out there somewhere and we need to find out where. That man who leads them now, Samson, how do you know him? You immediately recognized him."

"He was a Templar in Kirkwall, until he was expelled from the Order. I knew he was an addict, but this… Red lyrium is nothing like the lyrium given by the Chantry. Its power comes with a terrible madness. Being near it long enough is sufficient to alter your mind, ingesting it... It's beyond insanity."

Alexis looked up at Cullen who was now pacing behind his desk and his tone was more than bitter whenever mentioning Samson.

"I know, Varric told me about the idol they found in the deep roads and what happened to Meredith. Even without that, the red Templars swarming Haven were proof enough. The way it…changed some of them, it's sickening."

"We cannot allow them to gain strength. The red Templars still require lyrium. If we find their source, we can weaken them and their leader."

From the beginning of the conversation Cullen sounded angry, Alexis had never seen him so affected before. For some reason still unknown to her, this was hitting a sore spot. She could understand how the knowledge of his former brothers enslaved to Corypheus through the red lyrium was hard on him. She could also sense there was something else.

"Are you angrier at Corypheus or Samson?" She asked her voice soft yet serious.

"I don't know. Samson, at least, should know better." He sighed, his hand coming to rub at the back of his neck. "Caravans of red lyrium are being smuggled along trade roads. Investigating them could lead to where it's being mined. We don't have any leads on the locations for now. I hope to have gathered more information for when you'll be back from the Exalted plains. But you could well run into them anywhere during your travels. If you confront them, be wary. Anything connected to Samson will be well guarded."

"I'll be careful and I will keep an eye open. As you said, they must be stopped before they gain too much strength. And I promise you that we will deal with them." Cullen vaguely nodded his acknowledgment and his appreciation as he came to sit behind his desk. Observing his demeanor Alexis leaned on the armrest, her chin propped on her hand. "You and the red Templars' leader seem to have personal history."

"When I arrived in Kirkwall, Samson and I shared quarters. He seemed a decent man, at first. Knight-Commander Meredith later expelled Samson for "erratic behavior". He ended up begging on Kirkwall's streets. He committed further crimes, but managed to evade the Order's justice. Now Samson serves Corypheus as his loyal general."

"I admit I have a hard time understanding how he came from fallen Templar and lyrium addict to being Corypheus' right-hand. Why do think Samson joined him?"

Cullen had asked himself that same question several times since he had seen Samson alongside Corypheus. Every answer he could come up with at felt insufficient to justify the man's actions.

"He had a chronic lyrium addiction. He spent every last coin buying it from local smugglers. Perhaps Corypheus flattered his vanity, gave him purpose as well as lyrium. Perhaps that's all it took."

"It sounds like Samson had a miserable life." Alexis said, her face still cradled in the palm of her hand.

Cullen's gaze wandered over her for a moment, lingering on the soft features of her face. She seemed thoughtful. Even now that he had come to know Alexis a bit more, it never stopped to amaze him how kind and considerate she was. She always tried to see the best in people, find them redeeming qualities. Some would consider it a weakness for a leader, but not Cullen. He knew she was strong and capable of taking hard decisions. The way she cared for the people around her only made her better at her job. Somehow Cullen wished he had that strength in him, being able to forgive. But to achieve that he would have to begin by forgiving himself, and that wasn't a thing he was quite sure he'd be able to do.

"The Order expelled him, but he had choices. He could have found another path. I don't understand how he became so powerful. Even with red lyrium, Samson's glory days are long behind him."

"Perhaps there's something more. As frightening as it is, we have no real idea of the extent of Corypheus's power. He may have done something to Samson. If so, we'll find out. I'm pretty sure we haven't seen the last of him at Haven."

"I agree. Well on a lighter note, here's the final list of the Templars that have joined us in the last weeks. Much of them after you insisted we made contact. At least we managed to save them from that fate."

"I'm glad we did." She took the note Cullen handed her and started skimming through the names. "And I'm sure that given time we'll find more of them who have escaped this madness."

"I hope so."

Silence fell between as she was quickly reading the list and Cullen couldn't steer his gaze away from her. She was frowning just a little. Cullen had noticed she often did when concentrated, especially while reading. Just the sight of her was making his heart ache a little. She was young and beautiful. Even now, dressed casually, strands of brown hair escaping her bun because of her earlier training, her face bare of make-up, she was one of the prettiest sight he had ever seen. Cullen wished he could tell her that, confess his feelings. But it felt awkward, wrong even, to harbor such feelings for her. She was the Inquisitor now, it wasn't his place to desire more from her. She was a mage and a noble woman of great power with even greater responsibilities. Him? He was just a broken Templar plagued by nightmares and lyrium withdrawal, a man in his thirtieth year and nearly five years older than her, a Fereldan commoner with no title or possession outside of the Inquisition. In what world could they be together? Clearly not this one. And yet, the way she teased him or flirted with him, the small and brief touch they had exchanged weren't they proofs she felt something for him too?

His trail of thoughts was brutally stopped when Alexis' face went blank her eyes open wide with shock. She didn't say a thing, she just stared at the page in her hand and Cullen had to snap her out of it.

"Inquisitor? Is something wrong?"

It seemed to dissipate her initial surprise and she looked at him, still confused.

"No…Yes. I don't know." She finally admitted with a sigh.

A wild guess quickly formed itself in Cullen's mind. Could the Templar that had beaten her be amongst that list? Was that why she was reacting so strangely?

"Is there someone you know on the list?" He kept his emotions in check, not wanting to jump to conclusions just yet. She nodded in response and he couldn't help but ask. "Is it the Templar who hurt you?" His voice sounded a little less in control this time. He had spoken with every one of them and had a hard time believing one could be responsible for the rough treatment Alexis had suffered but everything was possible. Years ago in Kirkwall he could have said the same things about some of the Templars there, yet mages at suffered atrocities at their hands.

"No. It's not him." She finally said, easing immediately the tension Cullen was feeling slowly building up. "It's just…" She sighed, taking time to collect her thoughts, her hand replacing a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "Ser Ian, it's written that he came from the circle in Markham but he was in Ostwick before that."

"I guess that the two of you were… close?" Trevelyan shot him a quizzical look and Cullen shifted uncomfortably underneath her piercing blue eyes. "I mean… the way you reacted. I suppose that he must be somewhat… important to you." He fell silent feeling he was making a fool of himself and his hand came to rub nervously at the back of his neck.

His reaction made her smile. "We weren't lovers, if that's what you were suggesting. We just got along well, he helped me train sometimes. But that's not the reason it startled me." She was serious again, glancing at the note before setting her gaze back on Cullen. "I need to ask you something. I guess it's better that I explain what happened first."

"I'm listening." He simply said, encouraging her to talk.

"It was nearly four years ago. My friend from the circle, Lara, whom you've met, and Ian started to see each other. They fell in love. Probably one of the worst things when you're in a circle, especially when you're a Templar and a mage, but I mean really, young people together every day it's just bound to happen sometimes. The real problem was that Lara became pregnant."

Cullen cursed silently. He knew how terrible this kind of situation was in a circle. The birth of a child in a circle always shattered many lives, those of his parents who would never see their child after its birth. Sometimes, those of the Templars asked to take the child away from his mother's arms. Cullen had never experienced it, and he was glad that he never would. Despite that, Alexis was right. Relationships were bound to happen in a circle, they were still men and women like anyone else. Cullen could clearly remember harboring feelings for a mage during his first year at Kinloch Hold, if he hadn't been so shy back then, he might have found himself involved with her despite the rules against fraternization.

"Anyway you know what happens to a mage who is pregnant in a circle, shortly after birth the child is taken away from her. Off course neither of them wanted that. Lara was my best friend and she came for me to help. We settled a plan for her to escape the circle. But Lara's pregnancy was discovered and the Templars started to look for the father. We had to move forward with the plan sooner then scheduled. Before we could do anything Ian was discovered and his admission made it impossible for Lara to escape. He was transferred to Markham after that. Lara, she blamed him for making the plan fail, I blamed him too. I don't know how she feels about him right now. All this, it really hit her hard. If you could assign Ian away from Skyhold? Just until I come back. It would be better if I could talk to Lara first. I don't want them to run into each other by accident. I really have no idea how she might react."

"Of course. I'll send him on scouting missions, this should keep him away from Skyhold until your return from the Exalted Plains." Things were getting better between mages and Templars recruits, painstakingly, but better nonetheless. The last thing they needed was an open fight between two of them.

"Thank you Cullen. I appreciate it."

Alexis was rising up from her seat. The matter was settled and she needed time to process this information and think about how she was going to deal with it.

"Just tell me when you wish from him to be back to Skyhold. I suppose you will want to talk to him too. I have to admit, I'm surprised he didn't asked to speak with you when I met him. He knows you're the Inquisitor."

She froze, keeping silent for a moment. Cullen's question was making sense, though she wished he hadn't asked it.

"I guess he knows I wouldn't have reacted very well." Trevelyan said keeping her voice as neutral as she could yet unable to erase a small tremor.

"You're still holding a grudge for what happened?"

"Honestly? I'm not sure. The fact is I don't know exactly what he told besides admitting that he was the father. All I know is that he was interrogated by the Knight-Captain and the next thing that happened was Lara being dragged in the main hall and that sick bastard started beating her." Her voice faltered, her last words spat with anger.

Cullen quickly put the pieces together, the insult, the bitterness in her voice, there was only one explanation that made sense.

"The Knight-Captain beat her while she was pregnant? He's also the one who flogged you isn't he?" He was fairly certain he already knew the answer. He also couldn't fathom how that man could have beaten a young and pregnant woman. It was intolerable.

"Knight-Captain Aiden Vannier, a proud example of the worst the Order had to offer." Disgust couldn't be clearer in her voice. "Yes, he is the one. The thing is, I'm fairly certain that when all this shit happened, he hated my guts. You see he liked the mages obedient and bowing to his every word. I wasn't going to give him that. When he tried to punish Lara, I put myself between the two of them. To protect her. It wasn't to his liking so I took the fall for her, and probably for all the times I refused to just shut my mouth and do as he said. He flogged me that day. So you can see why I have mixed feelings about all this."

She crossed her arms, tightening them around her, feeling on the defensive and pushed outside of her comfort zone. Not that it was Cullen's fault, the words had just poured out of her mouth. But despite what she'd like to thought, she was nowhere being close to feel at ease with that subject.

Cullen stood up and circled his desk and leaned against it beside Alexis. "I can see why. And I'll do what I can to make it easier for you. You never told his name before, that Templar who gave you those scars, Aiden. If there's anything…"

"No Cullen." She interrupted him, her voice gentle but firm. "I know you mean well, really I do. But dealing with Ian and Lara will already be painful enough. I thought all of that was behind me, possibly forever. I don't want to dig up more of that part of my life. Wherever he is now, as long as it's far away from me, I'm okay with it."

"Alright. Of course. It's just that what he did to you…" tentatively he laid his hand on her shoulder "I guess I just wish that I could do something, anything"

"I appreciate the thought. But there's nothing that can be done now. There are only scars and memories. And just like me, you know how it's like, and you know there's little else but living with it."

Alexis looked at him with sad icy blue eyes that pierced him right through his soul. She probably had no idea just how right she was. The power of her gaze startled him and Cullen looked away, letting his hand slid along her arm.

"Is it that obvious?" He asked, finding the strength to meet her eyes again.

"No." She said softly, placing her hand on his breastplate just above his heart, a gentle smile on her lips. "I suppose you need to have that darkness in yourself to see it into someone else. You don't talk much about yourself Cullen, even less than I do. Especially about your own scars, whether they are in flesh or in mind. But that doesn't mean they don't exist or that I can't see them, even if I don't know what lies behind."

Cullen couldn't actually feel her touch. In this moment his armor was an unwelcome barrier between them, yet the sight of her hands splayed above his heart felt like a fresh burn on his skin. He covered her hand with his own, inwardly cursing the presence of his gloves, its leather shielding him, even if so little, from her.

"I'm not sure you'd like what lies behind them." Cullen said it in a whisper, his throat tightened with emotion.

"I'm not sure you'd like what's behind mine." She laced their fingers together as she spoke, never tearing her gaze away from him. She still had no idea why she was so compelled by him or why it sometimes was so simple to confide in him. They were so much different, and perhaps so much alike.

"I can't see how it would be possible not to…like you."

Cullen wanted to say something else than "like", because "like" couldn't really sum up how he felt about her. Nothing that came to his mind felt quite right. Yet it seemed to be enough, because she smiled. She was about to say something when they both heard voices and footsteps nearing the door. His officers, coming for the evening briefing.

Trevelyan took a step back, her hands sliding reluctantly from his grasp, disappointment clear on her face. A perfect mirror to the frustration Cullen was feeling. The door opened and they were both back in their own role, standing at a respectful distance of each other. He, the very serious and stern Commander, with all traces of emotions banished from his face. She, the Inquisitor, her expression affable yet conveying authority.

"Thank you, Commander. I appreciate what you're doing."

Cullen picked up the hint. She was saving them both from being caught in a painful silence by his men. Clever of her. He wasn't good when dealing with embarrassing situations.

"I'm only doing my duty Inquisitor." He responded with a small bow of his head.

She nodded and left, but not before Cullen could catch a glimpse of the sadness that lingered in her eyes. Pain of old wounds, uncertainty of these stolen intimate moments they shared and the forbidden desire for more. Cullen felt them too. And as she disappeared behind the closing door, Cullen suddenly felt alone like he rarely had felt while surrounded by people.

* * *

A/N : I know that many people picture Cullen being in his mid-thirties, I thought so too at first, but in the chapter about him in the second volume of World of Thedas, it's clearly said he can't be older than 30/31 years old so I went with that version.


	31. Chapter 31

A/N : Hi there! First update of the week and first chapter I made with the help of my super beta-reader AdventurousDreamer, I wanted to thank her again for her time! And as always thank you to everyone who reads the story!

* * *

Alexis, wrapped into a large towel, was skimming through the clothes of her new wardrobe. They had just arrived back from the Exalted Plains a few hours earlier and, led by an excited Josephine, she had discovered her newly appointed quarters. Trevelyan had protested, saying there were still more important things to be done in Skyhold, but Josephine had waved them all off. The Inquisitor needed to have accommodations fitting her rank, it was a matter of reputation, the antivan woman had said.

The ambassador had outdone herself. The room was furnished with impeccable taste, the bookshelf was filled with books and baubles and the closet was full of brand new clothes. The first luxury Trevelyan had indulged herself was to use the bathtub, a sight that never failed to be appealing after weeks of travel and fighting. The trick now was to choose what to wear. It was a brand new feeling. As a child she didn't had much choice regarding her clothes and in the circle aside from the robes, she only had her training gear, which she wore pretty much all the time. She hated those robes.

She discovered lots of practical and casual clothes in a variety of colors. Some formal attire, probably what Josephine wished her to wear during official meetings with guests. And there were also several dresses, all different in fashion and style. Given the very revealing cleavage on some of them, Alexis guessed it had to be the work of Vivienne. Alexis smiled remembering one of her latest conversation with her. Vivienne had strongly insisted she needed to learn how to use her look to her advantage. Nonetheless she pushed those dresses aside

She settled with a pair of dark brown pants and a green short-sleeved shirt. She slipped her leather boots on, gathered her still damp hair in a ponytail and covered her marked hand with a fingerless glove. She was stepping down the stairs to the main hall when she encountered a messenger, she told her that Commander Cullen wished to speak to her. So far he had always done so himself. The sudden formality of his demand was strange. Trevelyan felt an odd and unpleasant feeling settle in her stomach. She quickly walked to his tower, barely exchanging a few words with Solas as she passed by the rotunda.

Cullen was standing up, leaning on his desk, his hands on both sides of a wooden box. He glanced up at her when she opened the door but his gaze quickly settled back on the box in front of him.

"You wanted to see me?" She asked, walking the distance between the door and his desk.

"As leader of the Inquisition, you…" He sighed, abandoning whatever speech he had in mind. "There's something I must tell you."

"Alright, that sounds awfully serious. But whatever it is, I'm listening." She said, frowning a little. Cullen seemed troubled, as if some invisible burden she hadn't know about was weighing him down.

"Right. Thank you. Lyrium grants Templars our abilities, but it controls us as well. Those cut off suffer, some go mad, others die. We have secured a reliable source of lyrium for the Templars here. But I…no longer take it."

"You stopped?"

She was flummoxed to say the least. This was probably the last thing she had expected to hear and yet, it suddenly felt as if the pieces of a puzzle suddenly came together. His tiredness he was so often trying to hide, the resentment he sometimes had for the Order and the way he tried to distance himself from it, the way his hand was shaking the other day as she held it. She could have slapped herself for not connecting the dots sooner.

"When I joined the Inquisition. It's been months now."

"Cullen, if this can kill you…"

She knew the risks. Her family had given man and woman to the Chantry throughout the ages, she had seen relatives slowly fade away as they got older. She knew how lyrium affected people either after a long time use or when they stopped taking it. It wasn't an understatement when Cullen said that some died or went mad.

"It hasn't yet." He sounded determined. "After what happened in Kirkwall, I couldn't… I will not be bound to the Order, or that life any longer. Whatever the suffering, I accept it. But I would not put the Inquisition at risk. I have asked Cassandra to… watch me. If my ability to lead is compromised, I will be relieved from duty."

Alexis was more than surprised at hearing him wanting to distance himself so much from the Templar Order. He shared so little of what had happened to him. She only knew stories from the rebellion in Kirkwall. What horrors he kept hidden?

"Are you in pain?" She was unable to shake off the concern she felt about him.

"I can endure it." His response was short but final. Clearly he wasn't about to confess his true feelings about his ordeal to her right now.

"Thank you for telling me. I respect what you're doing."

"Thank you, Inquisitor. The Inquisition's army must always take priority. Should anything happen… I will defer to Cassandra's judgment."

Alexis hated that his decision could lead to him stepping down from his role as Commander and as her advisor. He was so important to the Inquisition, and to her. It would be terrible if someone else suddenly had to take up his mantle. More importantly, she trusted him. She had always trusted his ability to lead their army and, as hard as it may have been at first, now she truly trusted him on a personal level. She wanted no one else in his place, but she wanted even more for him to be capable to follow his own path. His decision was brave and she respected his desire to break the last and strongest ties he had to the Templar Order.

"Cullen, if there's anything, truly anything, I can do to help, you only have to ask."

"I… will not forget it. Thank you, Alexis."

* * *

"What has Curly done this time to get you all gloomy like that?"

Varric's voice made her jump. Lost in her thoughts, her hands busy brushing her horse, she was completely oblivious of what was happening around her.

"Sorry Frostbite didn't mean to startle you like that."

"It's alright Varric." She said with a sigh and a weak smile.

"So, are you going to tell me why you have chosen to hide behind snowflake since you left the Commander's tower?"

"I am not hiding. And you know he doesn't like it when you call him snowflake." Alexis patted the horse's neck squinting at Varric.

"He's a horse, he can't complain about a nickname. And don't try to change the subject, you know it won't work with me." He leaned against the stall's door, making it clear he wasn't going to be shooed easily.

"I am not upset at Cullen, Varric. He really has done nothing wrong."

"But you're brooding alright."

"I am not brooding. Just… thinking." Cullen's confession about his decision to stop taking lyrium was still churning in her mind. She couldn't help but fear for him even if he had made it through all this months without it. Cullen had been a Templar for over a decade, after all those years taking lyrium, its hold on him was strong. His life could still be in danger.

"About Curly?" Varric drawled, arching his brow at her, and with a smile at the corner of his lips.

"Maker's breath, not you too Varric? I already have a pesky minx who likes to pester me about it." So far she had been completely unable to make Dorian drop the case, if Varric was now in on it she was doomed.

"Well given that you and Curly are still at the same spot than a month ago, I'd say Sparkler hasn't really been doing a great job."

He chuckled and Alexis rolled her eyes. She dropped the brush in the box where she kept all her tools for tending to her horse and grabbed an apple she had snatched from the kitchen. She gave it to Snowflake who happily chopped it in half and chewed it.

"And what exactly is wrong with how things are going between the Commander and I?"

"Just trying to give you a piece of friendly advice Frostbite, you shouldn't waste too much time thinking about what might go wrong. Otherwise one day you'll wake up, the world will have changed and you'll be left with nothing but regret."

Varric rarely sounded this serious, despite the casualness in his voice. Alexis knew the dwarf, he kept all of his secrets close to his chest. And she could hear the truth in his words as they nipped at her hopes and fears.

"Maybe regrets are better than being hurt."

"I get it, some bastard, or bastards, toyed with your heart and left you alone to pick up the pieces." Alexis pursed her lips not really pleased, being so easily dissected by Varric, and clearly not wanting to be reminded of those particular moments of her past. "But the way I see it, Frostbite, you are already hurting yourself. You and Curly have been dancing around the issue for months now. Don't you think it's time to admit you like each other?"

"What if he doesn't want me, or doesn't want more than a fling. What if at some point I become disposable because I'm a mage? "

"Despite Curly's efforts to remain all serious and commander-like, I've come to know him. I've known him for quite some time, we crossed paths more than once with Hawke. He's a good guy and he respects you. Besides, if all he wanted was a fling he probably wouldn't still be waiting for you after all these months, completely oblivious of the attention he gets from the ladies and even some men."

She was fidgeting with Snowflake's mane, nervously running her fingers through it. She knew all that, she had known for a while. All this time she had been searching for excuses that would justify her cowardice. Varric wouldn't buy any of them, and it was becoming harder each time to believe in the lies she was telling herself.

"I know Varric. I'm just…scared." She admitted with a painful sigh

"She goes alone to face some ancient darkspawn and an archdemon, playing the hero, and what is she scared off? Telling the pretty boy she has feelings for him. I'll have to write a book about you one day, Frostbite. You know that?" He chuckled giving her a warm smile.

"Forgive me if I don't read that one." She grumbled.

"Oh you should! It will be grand! You see there is this impossible romance between a mage and a Templar. She loves him but she's afraid to trust a Templar. He burns with forbidden desire for her. The day he believes she perished in battle, it breaks him completely. But our hero survives! And after weeks of struggle with their feelings they finally give in to temptation!" Varric paused to emphasize the dramatic effect then continued with a voice back to his sly tone, smirking all the way to his ears. "Very raunchy! I might even use it for the next book of Swords and Shields!"

"Don't you dare!" Saying so, she grabbed fresh straw from the stall floor and threw it at Varric who dodged just in time, ducking behind the door.

"Hey as long as you and Curly don't get to the last part, it's only fiction." He stood up, eying Trevelyan carefully, aware she had all the ammunition she needed within reach. She was pouting. The joke about the book wasn't so bad, she was even amused by it. What was more annoying was the message barely hidden, she had feelings for Cullen and there was no escaping them.

"I hate you Varric."

"I love you too Frostbite."


	32. Chapter 32

A/N : Hi there! I wanted to thank everyone who has fav/follow the story in the past few days, and thank you to ERed for the review, I'm always glad to know what you think of the story. Time to meet Hawke in this chapter! But I promise, with the next one we'll move forward with the romance (I know, these two take things really slow ;-) As always, I hope you will enjoy this chapter and thank you so much for reading!

* * *

"I didn't just think I killed Corypheus. When the fight was done, he was dead on the ground. Maybe his tie to the blight somehow brought him back, or maybe it's old Tevinter magic… But he was dead. I swear it."

Trevelyan glanced at Marian Hawke. She was leaning against the battlements, her green eyes scanning the crowd in the courtyard. The wind was toying with a few loose strands of her golden hair and she tucked them behind her ear. Alexis could see the guilt on the woman's expression. Somehow the Champion of Kirkwall was feeling responsible for what happened.

"You couldn't have known back then. Nobody could. All that matters is that we figure out what made it possible for him to stay alive after the fight and figure out a way to counter it."

Hawke chuckled, looking sideways at Trevelyan, her green eyes sparkling with amusement.

"Varric told me you could be a real optimist. I guess I see now what he meant by that."

"So I see Varric has been feeding you information, about the Inquisition. I'm not sure if I should be pleased or mortified by what he may have told you about me."

As much as she liked Varric, Alexis couldn't help but feel weary of his uncanny ability of spinning reality into a work of fiction. Usually she liked that side of the dwarf, but knowing he had been telling things about her to Hawke was a frightening idea. She was impressed by her. Since the first time tales of the apostate who had become the Champion had reached Ostwick, Alexis had admired her. Hawke was everything she aspired to, a mage who lived free and in plain sight. At least, until the explosion of the Chantry.

"He only said good things. I promise." Hawke smiled warmly. "I was a little surprised, actually. Varric isn't one for religion in general, but he thinks highly of the Inquisition. I think the exact phrase was 'Has a good shot at fixing Blondie's mess.'"

"Honestly, I'm not one for religion either. But this isn't about faith, it's about standing up for what is right. Right now most of the powers in Thedas are all preoccupied by their own problems, civil war, electing a new Divine. By the time they finally realize there's a bigger threat, it will be too late."

"I have to agree with you on that one."

"Anyway, Blondie? Varric really does like his nicknames." Alexis gave Hawke a small grin before adding carefully. "It's the one for Anders I suppose?"

She had no idea the subject was a sore spot for Hawke. Varric was quite evasive about the fate of Anders in his book 'Tale of the Champion' tough it was insinuated that he and Hawke were in a lasting relationship.

"It is. I'm never happy leaving him alone. But once I realized wardens were acting strangely, I had no choice. I've seen Corypheus affect Anders' mind before. If he was involved, I couldn't risk it happening again."

If the look on her face was any indication, she cared deeply for the man and feared for him.

"I don't mean to pry but… what is he like?"

"Complicated." Hawke admitted with a sigh. "It's not like the minstrels make it out to be. He's not just a monster or a hero. Or maybe he's both. He was trying to change the world. He knew it couldn't happen peacefully." Her pain was audible in her voice.

"I'm sorry if I brought back some bad memories." Alexis said carefully.

"You didn't." Hawke looked at her with a small but genuine smile. "We rarely get to choose who we love. Whether it takes you years or weeks to fall in love, if it's true, there's nothing you can do about it. As complicated and irrational as it may be, it's only up to you to deal with the joy and the hurt, because it always brings both."

"I suppose you're right."

Alexis sighed, leaning against the battlements. She still hadn't found the nerves to speak to Cullen about how she felt. She still wasn't sure it was a good idea to do so.

"You have a heavy burden on your shoulders Inquisitor. You asked me if it would get any easier and my response hasn't change, I still haven't figured it out myself. Although there is one thing I can tell you. If you have a chance at happiness in the midst of all this chaos, be selfish and take it, because nobody else will give it to you."

Alexis glanced sideways at Hawke. She wondered if she knew, if somehow Varric had told more about her than Inquisition related matters, or if her personal troubles were more visible than she thought. Or perhaps this was just some friendly advice from a woman who had experienced such conflicted situations first hand.

She was going to respond when a loud noise came from below. Looking down Alexis caught sight of Cassandra chasing Varric, who was making a hasty retreat to the tavern.

"That didn't take long." Hawke said, with a smirk.

"Urgh. I'd better get down there before Cassandra tries to stab him in the book… again!"

"Good luck Inquisitor! If you still need me, I'm off to visit an old friend."

"An old friend?" Alexis asked, arching a brow.

"Commander Cullen, although last time I saw him, he was still Knight-Captain. Never got the chance to thank him for standing up for me against Meredith. It's past time I make that right. Good luck with the Seeker and Varric! I have to admit, that's one fight I'm happy to miss!" Hawke winked at her and left, walking the battlements to Cullen's tower.

Cullen, a friend of Hawke? That's a story she'd have to ask him about. But right now she had to stop a squabble between an angry Seeker and a sneaky dwarf before things turned sour.

* * *

Cullen entered his office after his usual overview of the afternoon drills. He came to a sudden halt when he laid his eyes on the woman sitting comfortably in his chair. She immediately turned her head to look at him, her piercing green eyes quickly sizing him up, offering him a warm smile.

"Nice view you got here. Way better than the one you had from Meredith's office at the Gallows."

"Hawke. It really is you. I guess I no longer need to know what wrought havoc at the tavern." A small smirk tugged the corner of his lips up.

"I sometimes have that effect on people." She winked at him and stood up. "Don't go too hard on Varric, he was only trying to protect me."

"I'll leave that to the Inquisitor. But please, sit. I'm sure you didn't just wait here to comment on the view."

Hawke sat back on the chair and Cullen cleared the papers on a corner of his desk before leaning against it.

"Just thought I'd stop by to say hi. You know, for old time's sake."

"Not sure I'd like to be reminded of those old times, but it's good to see you."

"Kirkwall sure held a lot of trouble for the both of us while we were there. You look…better than the last time I saw you. It seems like leaving the Templars was good for you."

"It did." Cullen admitted with a small nod. "The last years in Kirkwall were a mess. After Meredith's death I tried my best to bring back some order. But in the end, things went awry for everyone, with the decision of the Lord Seeker to nullify the Nevarran Accord, and the rebellion of all the circles. It didn't take me much thinking before accepting Cassandra's offer."

"Aveline spoke highly of you. She was impressed by everything you did. Although I understand why you left. The order isn't a good place to be right now. I made sure Carver didn't follow the rest of them."

"You did right! Your brother is safer by being away. Those Red Templars…" Cullen sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I still can't believe it. It would be bad enough without Samson leading them!"

"Yes, Varric explained it to me in his last letter. It's a whole new kind of shit if you ask me. But your Inquisitor seems pretty confident about it. Or at least ready to pick up the fight. That's some special woman you have chosen as your leader!" She paused, taking the time to choose her words. "Not feeling too edgy about her being a mage?" Hawke teased him, smirking a little as her emerald eyes glinted with amusement, but her question was hiding a genuine concern.

"I suppose I deserved that one."

Cullen said with a sheepish smile. Hawke had known him during a period of his life when he saw all mages as a threat. He remembered treating her coldly when rumors about her being a mage had first sparked. Rumors that had proved to be true, but by that time, she had become too important, holding too much influence in the city, thus untouchable. It bothered him at first. As time went by and their path still crossing on a regular basis, he had slowly come to know her. She was the first mage since Kinloch Hold whom he trusted, the first he had slowly begun to see as a person again, and not just as a mage.

"No, I don't feel edgy because she is a mage. At all. Trevelyan is a good person, and she's proven to be a good leader."

"The people here clearly look up to her. It's quite a burden you have placed on her small shoulders. Good leader or not, she'll need friends and people she can rely on. People with whom she can be herself and not only the Inquisitor."

"Why do you tell me this?" He said quirking a brow.

"She'll need someone with whom she can be comfortable showing weakness. Someone in whom she can confide her fears without it somehow endangering the strong image of the Inquisitor she has to wear in public. As the Inquisition's general, you have the same problem Cullen. And I know how serious and intense you are about work. You clearly could use some friends."

He couldn't deny Hawke's reasoning held some sense. He knew how hard it was sometimes to keep a straight face and not let any of his soldiers see his worries and doubts. Trevelyan, being the Inquisitor, faced the same issues. She was already wearing that mask since the day the people had branded her the Herald of Andraste, but becoming their leader had leaden that burden further. Was he the one who could help her with that, as Hawke was suggesting? He certainly would like to, not that he was going to admit that out loud to Hawke. Perhaps changing the subject was better before she tricked him in confessing anything about Trevelyan. That woman was way too good at getting information out of people.

"I suppose you're right. Although I should be worried that you're the one who suggests it. Last time you tried to have me make some friends was pretty much a disaster. Remember Isabela?" Cullen said, smirking.

"Oh Maker's breath! I had completely forgotten. She tried to sleep with you didn't she!" Hawke said laughing. Watching Cullen trying to get away from Isabela's claws had been fun to watch.

"More than once! I had a really hard time getting out of the Hanged Man that night you asked me to join you. Maker knows why I have let you drag me there."

"Oh I'll remind you why!" Hawke said with a grin. "You owed me big time for going to the Blooming Rose and interrogating the ladies there, because you were too shy to even speak to them!"

It was a slightest exaggeration of the truth, but close enough to make Cullen blush at the memory of his very brief attempt at interrogating the special ladies of the brothel, in search of Templar recruits gone missing.

"Thank you for reminding me of one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. You are a true friend Hawke." He said sarcastically.

"Anytime." She grinned. "Well before I leave, because I'm sure I have already taken enough of your time, I wanted to thank you." She added seriously. "I never got the chance to do so in Kirkwall. You stood up for me against Meredith, stood up for the mages who had done nothing wrong and were about to be slaughtered because of her madness. So… thank you."

"I made mistakes during my time in Kirkwall. Many of them I wish I'd be able to repair. I'm glad I didn't make that one. So you really don't need to thank me."

Hawke stood up, heading for the door, passing by Cullen she laid her hand on his shoulder, offering him a friendly smile.

"You're a good man Cullen, even good man make mistakes. We all do."


	33. Chapter 33

**Hi everyone! Thanks to my super beta-reader, AdventurousDreamer, I have another chapter ready for you this week-end! I hope you will enjoy it and, as always, thank you all for the favs the follow, and for reading of course!**

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Alexis quickly closed the door to the garden behind her and, leaning against it, she let out a deep and weary sigh. She couldn't believe she had finally found a way to escape the horrible and pompous informal meeting Josephine had set up with several nobles from the Heartlands in Orlais. If there were to be more of these tiresome small talks in order to get invited to the Grand Ball at the Winter Palace, it would be the death of her.

She could play The Game, it wasn't a problem for her. Rather thanthe fact that she hated it, having to slap on a fake smile all the time and listen to stupid futilities and nonsense. When dealing with nobles, Alexis sometimes wanted nothing more than to smack some sense into their heads and give them a reality check.

She was a noble, well, as a noble as a mage could be. The time she spent with her family had taught her how to act and endure those kinds of situations. But being a mage, an underdog, had broadened her vision of life far beyond of what nobles often could see.

Putting this boring meeting behind her, she walked through the garden. She was taking a look at the plants growing in the small herb garden, when she caught sight of an improbable pair playing chess: Dorian and Cullen. She wondered what kind of trick Dorian had performed to steer the Commander away from his duties. It sure was something hard to achieve! A little voice in her head told her she clearly had to learn that trick for later use. Shushing the little voice, yet feeling really curious, she walked up to them, a small smile already playing on her lips.

"Gloat all you like. I have this one."

"Are you sassing me, Commander? I didn't know you had it in you."

"Why do I even… Inquisitor."

Cullen immediately began to rise to his feet when he saw her, much to Dorian's amusement.

"Leaving, are you? Does this mean I win?"

Cullen sat back on his chair, not letting the Tevinter mage mock him further.

"Are you two playing nice?" Alexis said, holding back a grin.

"I'm always nice." Dorian bragged, smiling at her before going back to tease the Commander. "You need to come to terms with my inevitable victory. You'll feel much better."

"Really? Because I just won. And I feel fine." Cullen smirked, his last move efficiently granting him the victory with a checkmate.

"Don't get smug. There will be no living with you."

Dorian, smirking artfully to Alexis, rose to his feet, all the while taunting Cullen one last time before walking past her. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes at him and looked at Cullen instead. He was smiling to her and he seemed more relaxed than usual. It was a nice change from his usual serious expression. It made him look younger or perhaps more like his real age.

"I should return to my duties as well… Unless you would care for a game?"

The Commander himself was asking to spend some free time with her, rather than going back to work? That was new. And Alexis clearly wasn't going to pass on the opportunity.

"I'm not sure you will find a worthy opponent in me. I haven't played in years… but alright! Prepare the board, Commander."

She sat on the other side of the small table as he replaced the pieces to begin the game.

"As a child, I played this with my sister, Mia. She would get this stuck-up grin whenever she won. Which was all the time! My brother and I practiced together for weeks. The look on her face the day I finally won… Between serving with the Templars and the Inquisition, I haven't seen them in years. I wonder if she still plays."

It was rare to see him so at ease and peaceful, talking naturally of his family and his past. It was a nice change, one Alexis hoped she could see more often.

"You don't talk much of your siblings."

"Well Mia is the eldest. She was my biggest supporter when I took the decision to become a Templar. I'm second then there is my brother Branson and Rosalie."

"Where are they now?" Alexis asked, moving a piece and opening the game. She clearly was rusty with chess but remembered classic opening moves her father had once taught her.

"They moved to South Reach after the Blight. I do not write them as often as I should. Ah. It's my turn."

Cullen quickly examined the board, and moved his piece.

"It's never too late to change that."

"I suppose not. Anyway if I don't do it, I'm fairly certain I'm going to receive a letter from Mia. She was always good at tracking me down."

"Tracking you down?" Alexis asked puzzled.

"I haven't been very good at keeping contact." He admitted with a weak smile. "And Mia can be very determined and persuasive. She managed to find where I had been transferred after the Blight. I don't know how much effort it took her, but she did it nonetheless."

"It looks to me like she cares a great deal about you."

Alexis quickly glanced at the board, they were early on in the game and she could still apply some of the strategy she remembered, although her concentration clearly was settled on the conversation.

"She does. Not sure I deserve it though, but I am grateful. To receive her letters after I got transferred to Kirkwall, it helped."

"You spent a lot of time in Kirkwall. Almost ten years if I remember correctly. Did you leave anyone behind when you joined the Inquisition?"

She tried to sound as innocent as she could, when in fact she was prying a little a bit. A handsome man like him clearly couldn't have passed unnoticed to some people's attention. And in ten years there's all the time in the world to forge lasting relationships. Despite the clear interest he had in her it didn't mean he didn't have someone else in his life. Out of sight, out of mind as the proverb said and Trevelyan knew it could be true for some people.

"No. I fear I made few friends there, and all my family is in Ferelden." Cullen said in all honesty and she immediately believed him. Yet she couldn't resist prying a little more.

"No one special caught your interest?"

"Not in Kirkwall."

The way he said it, his voice low almost seductive, his eyes not leaving hers, it gave her butterflies. She could feel the warmth of a blush rising to her cheeks. She smiled, looking down at the board, as it was her turn to play, aware that Cullen wouldn't be able to miss the effect he just had on her.

"What about you? You spent almost all your life in Ostwick and the Free Marches. You must have people there you care about?"

"My family is there, but no, there is nobody really waiting for me. The only real friend I had was Lara and she's here now."

"Is it that difficult with your family?" He asked cautiously.

"Long story short, yes it's that difficult." She chuckled although her heart wasn't really at laughing with that subject. "My mother is a very… devout woman. Me being a mage, it was a disaster for her, as if I was some kind of punishment from the Maker for some unknown sin she had committed. To her I am some kind of taint to the family lineage."

She rarely talked about her family, especially her mother, the memories were painful enough. She had no idea why she was opening up about it to Cullen. She was feeling more and more at ease around him, perhaps that was enough.

"That's… terrible. But what about your father and your siblings? Surely they don't think that of you!"

Cullen was beginning to understand why Alexis sometimes had bitter feelings towards the Chantry. If her own mother had resented her for being a mage because of Chantry rules, no wonder she somehow had lost faith.

"My father always supported me, still to this day. And he didn't approve of how my mother reacted. I guess it created problems between them. I didn't really witness it because I was at the circle but they grew distant overtime. As for my siblings, Maxwell is the eldest. Before I was sent to the circle I was just an unwelcome tagalong for him, we never got the chance to know each other really. Even when I would come back home, there was just too much difference between us. These past few years he began to make a life for himself, he's married, works hard to take my father's succession, so there really was no place for his youngest sister whom he barely knows. Eileen is just a couple of years older than me and the conflicts between my parents hit her hard. I believe she grew resentful of me because, well, I was the reason her parents were now fighting. So yes... that's my happy family!"

Born in a modest family, with parents working hard to provide for their four children, Cullen, as a child, often imagined how better things were for rich and nobles. Growing up he had learn that reality was far from these kinds of beliefs. Hearing Alexis' story was just another proof that money and wealth didn't erased problems. He even felt fortunate to have had parents who loved him and siblings who loved him still despite the distance and the lack of letters on his part.

"I know it won't replace a family but, for what it's worth, you have people here who care a great deal about you." _I care about you,_ was really the thing on his mind but it felt somehow wrong for him to say it now, just after she had told her something personal and that was clearly affecting her.

"I know and it's good to be here."

She smiled genuinely and for a moment they both concentrated on the game, a comfortable silence setting between the two of them. Cullen was a damn good chess player and she was mostly trying to counter him. But she wasn't done yet, she still had some moves up her sleeves!

"Void! How many hours did you spend practicing to beat your sister?" She let out a both amused and frustrated exhale after Cullen had countered her last move.

"A lot!" He chuckled.

"I can see that! Alright we'd better find some conversation topic because I was clearly better when I wasn't overthinking every action, and you weren't as hard to counter when a bit distracted."

"That's a mean strategy you're trying to pull Trevelyan, but alright. What do you have in mind?"

"You met with Hawke the other day. I guessed that the two of you must have crossed paths in Kirkwall but had no idea you knew each other."

"She helped me several times with investigations. Over the years she became quite renowned in the city, even before she became the Champion. I was the person she came to when dealing with Mages and Templars issues. And there were a lot of them believe me." Cullen said, sighing a little at the memory.

"I can only imagine. Things really weren't like that in Ostwick. Sure sometimes there was tension between some mages and Templars and there was the occasional sick bastard, you know what I mean." Sick bastard was usually how she referred to the Templar who had flogged her and left scars on her back. Cullen needed no further explanation to fully understand of whom she was referring to. "But otherwise it was rather calm there. Anyway, how was Hawke like? I only met her briefly the other day and…" She paused, gauging him for a second. "You're absolutely not allowed to repeat what I am about to tell you, especially to Varric, or I swear there will be payback." Cullen nodded his acknowledgment, hiding a smile "Since stories about her reached the circle I have always admired her. She was an apostate living freely and openly, making a name for herself. A mage, strong, beautiful and whom no Templar could lock away. I dreamt one day I could have a life like that."

"You have my word that I will not repeat that to anyone." He said warmly to her. "And I know becoming the Inquisitor probably wasn't your dream, but you have a life where you can live freely as a mage."

"Yes, I just realized that a few weeks ago. And you have no idea how good it feels honestly. But anyway, Hawke, I'm curious! And it's you who needs to be distracted, not me. You're still playing too well for my taste." Trevelyan joked, as one of her piece was just taken by Cullen's last move.

He looked up from the board to her with that half smile that tugged perfectly at his scar. Alexis could literally melt underneath that smile and the warmth of his gaze.

"Well, Hawke and you have much in common. You're both strong and capable women, powerful also and you care for the people around you. And you are also beautiful."

Her cheeks reddened in a matter of seconds. She probably was looking a bit agape, unable to steer her gaze away from him as she mumbled: "You think I'm beautiful?"

"Yes. Very. But I'm sure you know that. I mean… I'm not the only one who thinks you are."

Cullen cleared his throat, his hand coming to rub at the back of his neck. He hadn't expected his half hidden compliment to have such an effect.

"Well hum… I know I'm not unattractive. But I never had a man who complimented me that way without trying to get something from me."

"Get something from you?" Cullen asked truly not knowing what she was referring to.

"They wanted to… sleep with me." She said it in the least offensive way she could think of.

"That's not what I was thinking! Not that you aren't attractive, I mean… you are! I wasn't just thinking of you this way… Well not that you…I…haven't…Maker's breath"

Cullen was completely flustered and blushing all the way to his ears. His initial attempt to make sure she didn't took his compliment the wrong way was only making things worse for him. Alexis laughed and it made him pause. She looked at him, biting her lower lip.

"It's alright Cullen. I know you just meant it as a compliment." She couldn't help but smile at seeing him so embarrassed.

"I'm not very good at this. Am I?" He said, still blushing.

"No you're not." She admitted "But it's fine. I think it's adorable. And it's a nice change from your serious Commander face."

"Well… hum… adorable isn't really compatible with running an army." He muttered his hand rubbing nervously at the back of his head.

"I know. And don't worry, I won't shout out loud that you do have a heart underneath your armor. We wouldn't want to damage your reputation." She smirked, unable to restrain herself from teasing him just a little more.

"How thoughtful of you." Cullen said, frowning, clearly not convinced. And given how Alexis laughed he surely was right to doubt those last words.

They continued to play and chat, the game moving at a pace far slower than their words, both trying to extend the moment for as long as they could.

"This may be the longest we've gone without discussing the Inquisition, or related matters. To be honest, I appreciate the distraction." Cullen said after they closed the topic of Templar versus Knight-Enchanter training.

"We should spend more time together" Trevelyan immediately responded, the words out before she could think about it, yet deeply believing in them.

"I would like that"

"Me too"

"You said that." His voice was low, seductive almost and it sent shivers down her spine. "We should… finish our game. Right. My turn?"

A few moves later and the game was finished. Much to Trevelyan's surprise, she had won.

"I believe this one is yours, well done. You're not as bad a player as you said you were." Cullen said, smiling. Alexis suspected Cullen to have let her win. There was no chance she could have beat him if he had really played fair. He seemed just too good at this game.

"I suppose I haven't forgotten as much as I first thought. Or maybe I did manage to distract you enough from the game." She said in jest.

"Maybe you did."

There was that smirk again. And Alexis just couldn't help but look at his lips, his damn scar and Maker help her, she wanted to kiss him right now. She forced herself to meet his eyes but it didn't help. His warm brown eyes were not leaving her and there was a playful edge in his gaze that gave her butterflies in the pit of her stomach. He was flirting with her, wasn't he? One thing was certain, whatever duties she still had to perform today it would be hard to concentrate.

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 **A/N: Given that Cullen always win when Dorian, Lelianna or the Inquisitor cheats I ended up with the feeling that he's just too good at this game. And, because he is a gentleman, and because he's totally flirting, he lets the Inquisitor win ;)**


	34. Chapter 34

**A/N : Hello everyone. The new chapter is ready. I hope you will enjoy it. I wanted to say a huge thank you to my awesome beta-reader, AdventurousDreamer, who really helped me a lot in order to get this (important) chapter right! And as always, take you all for reading!**

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Relief washed over them all as the horses walked through the main gates of Skyhold. They could finally take some rest, have a warm meal and enjoy the luxury of a bed. Crestwood was days behind them but Trevelyan could still feel its icy rain in her bones. And it was without mentioning the horrors they saw there.

Her companions quickly dismounted as Dennett and a stable boy came to take care of their mounts. She was asking the horse master to take special care of them, as they had pushed them a little hard to arrive early in the day, when the most warming and welcome sight came into view.

"We were only expecting you later this afternoon Inquisitor. I trust you had a safe journey?"

"Yes, Commander, everything was fine. We're just glad to finally be back."

Cullen was walking down the stairs and came to a halt in front of her, offering her a small smile. He had a large pile of paper in one arm, probably letters and reports. Just seeing him made Alexis' heart beat faster.

"I'd say some of us were even eager to finally arrive!" Dorian said from behind her, clearly emphasizing the word "eager".

Trevelyan couldn't miss the innuendo. It was even more annoying that Dorian was right. She was eager to see Cullen. She missed him during those weeks away from Skyhold and he was in no way a stranger to the fact that she had pushed everyone to arrive as soon as they could. After their game of chess in Skyhold's garden a day before she left for Crestwood, it had become even harder to keep him away from her thoughts.

"And it's good to have you back. I'm sure you wish to get some rest before having to deal with Inquisition matters so I shall take my leave. I'll see you this evening at the council."

"See you tonight Commander."

She smiled and he responded with a discreet grin that disappeared before anyone else could see it. He gave her a small bow of his head and walked towards his tower. She glanced several times in his direction trying, and apparently failing, to be subtle because Dorian came next to her. Sliding his arm around her waist, he said:

"When are you finally going to talk to him?"

"I just did." Alexis said smugly.

"That wasn't the 'talk' I was referring to, sweetheart. Don't play cocky with me, you know I always win at this game." She rolled her eyes at him and he just went on with his speech, choosing to ignore her display of annoyance. "Anyway, it's past time you get a hold on yourself. You go see that strapping young Templar you keep swooning at and profess your undying love for him. You have to do it, he's too much the hopeless gentleman to make the first move."

"Dorian…"

"Don't 'Dorian' me! Just do as I say! Because you two are slowly drifting from being adorable with your forbidden lovers routine to utterly pathetic. And you, my dear Alexis, can't afford pathetic in your situation."

"Thank you Dorian, that makes me feel much better." She grumbled.

"Always a pleasure to help!"

He laid a quick peck on her cheek and went about his business, leaving Alexis to a rush of both pleasant and scary thoughts. Dorian was right, wasn't he? She had to do something.

* * *

She was pacing in her quarters, thoughts running wild in her head. Nothing had helped to clear her mind. Not the warm bath, not the meal and especially not her attempt at a quick nap. She couldn't help but think about him. No matter what she did, Cullen would come back into her thoughts. It was maddening.

She had been able to handle her attraction for the Commander so far. Sure it was becoming harder each time, but she had been able to keep things under control nonetheless. It seemed now that she had reached her breaking point. She had to do something. Dorian was right, this had to stop. One way or the other. She had to talk to Cullen. Whatever his reaction would be, at least she would finally know. She would be able to move forward. Surely he would be reasonable and say that a relationship was impossible given the circumstances. The Commander was a very reasonable man, focused on his work. He would take the right decision. He will crush her hopes, she will hurt but at least she would know and he would stop haunting her every thoughts. But what if Cullen felt the same way? What if he wanted to be with her despite the situation?

Trevelyan collapsed on her bed, cradling her head in her hands. She felt stupid. She felt like one of those teenage girls who completely froze every time they saw the guy they had a crush on. She hated that feeling. Maker's breath she was a grown up! She kicked evil asses on a daily basis, sure she could handle one awkward conversation with the very handsome, charming, sexy… Templar. And here was the teenager again…

Void! She needed to do something. Staying in this nerve wrecking state of mind any longer was completely out of question. She was going to speak to him now. Right now.

* * *

Right now, in reality, it took a good twenty minutes to fix her hair into a braid, put a little make-up on and another fifteen minutes to dress properly. Fifteen minutes to finally end up dressed mostly like usual: boots, dark pants and a fitted green tunic.

But she was finally there, in front of Cullen's office. Dozens of scenarios were playing in her mind and her hand was lightly shaking as she pushed the door open. Her rambling thoughts came to a halt when she saw him. He was standing near one of the narrow window, gazing in the distance for a brief moment before focusing again on the report he had in his hand. He hadn't noticed her presence yet and she took a second to look at him. His broad frame clad in armor and furs, his short blond hair, the way the soft candle light was casting shadows on his face. He was everything she desired and everything she dreaded to have.

She walked up to him, her heart beating faster with every step she took. Cullen lifted his gaze from the report and a small smile played on his lips when he saw her.

"Inquisitor." He said very formally. "Was there something you needed?"

"I thought we could talk. Alone?"

There was a small tremor and hesitation in her voice but it was said out loud. Her heart raced even faster with anticipation, waiting for his response. He had to accept to talk in private. There was always so many people coming and going in and out of his office in the day. If they were interrupted during the conversation Trevelyan knew one of them would probably jump at the distraction to avoid the delicate subject.

"Alone? I mean, of course."

The surprise was clear in his voice but he immediately accepted and Alexis released the breath she hadn't realized she was holding. She let Cullen lead them out of his office and they walked side by side, in silence, as he led them to a section of the battlements deserted at this hour.

"It's a nice day." Cullen sounded nervous and hesitant, his hand rubbing nervously at the back of his neck.

"What?" Alexis stopped, looking up at him, confused. Why was he talking about the weather, hadn't he picked up the hint when she had said 'alone'?

"It's… There was something you wished to discuss?"

This was it. She had to say it, no turning back now. She could swear she was feeling even more nervous than the day of her Harrowing. _Silly me_ she thought _more afraid of telling a man how I feel about him than to face a demon in a life or death situation._

"Cullen, I care for you. But I guess you already know how I feel and…" Looking down, she sighed, unable to stand his gaze as she was voicing her feelings.

"What's wrong?" He asked softly

"You left the Templars and I know you're still uncomfortable with magic sometimes, but could you trust a mage. Could you think of me as anything more? Or am I just having false hope about this."

"No you're not! And I could. I mean, I do…think of you. And what I might say in this sort of situation." Cullen started to walk again, nervous, his hand rubbing at his temple. This conversation was the last thing he had imagined would happen today. Trevelyan was taking him completely off guard and despite how many times he had imagined what to say to her, he felt unable to find the right words. "I can't say I haven't wondered what it would be like."

Cullen had a hard time wrapping his mind around what was happening. Trevelyan was actually asking him if there could be more between them. It felt surreal and also deeply troubling. So far, the thought that they could be together had only been a foreign fantasy. A desire he dreamed and somewhat knew would never be fulfilled. Yet, there she was, standing in front of him, looking more nervous than he had ever seen her. Perhaps as nervous as he was.

"What's stopping you?"

Alexis leaned against the stones behind her, waiting in agony for Cullen to tell her, with his stone cold logic, that whatever was between them, they couldn't act on it. That's what was supposed to happen, right?

"You're the Inquisitor. We're at war. And you…"

Alexis looked down, biting her lips. He was going to call it off, say… _"I didn't think it was possible."_ That wasn't what she was expecting, neither the fact that he took a few steps towards her, slowly closing the distance between them.

She looked up and locked her gaze on him, part of her fears vanishing as she saw the anticipation in his eyes. Perhaps there was hope for this discussion to end well after all. Cullen seemed to be waiting for some sort of confirmation on her part, and she was more than eager to give it to him.

"And yet I'm still here."

"So you are… It seems too much to ask. But I want to."

Cullen was feeling troubled, unsettled even, yet it was nothing compared to how much he wanted this to happen, whatever this was. He couldn't say for how long he has been aching for her. Probably for longer than he would care to admit, even to himself. But he had a chance now to be close to her, to be more than just a trusted co-worker or a friend. He wasn't going to deny himself that chance. It didn't matter if it was inappropriate, not now.

Cullen closed the remaining distance between them. His hands were coming to rest on her hips as he leaned towards her, his eyes slowly shutting close. They were barely inches apart. His heart was pounding so hard in his chest it hurt. He still couldn't believe what was happening.

"Commander!"

The call startled them both, breaking their almost kiss instantly. One of Cullen's solider was walking towards them, looking at a report he had in his hand. Frustration clear on his face, Cullen turned around, his hands leaving Alexis' hips. She looked away, feeling a little embarrassed but mostly crestfallen. This interruption came at the worst moment possible, leaving them in a very awkward position.

"You wanted a copy of Sister Leliana's report."

"What?" Cullen snapped angrily.

"Sister Leliana's report. You wanted it delivered 'without delay.'"

The poor soldier was only lifting his gaze now, meeting the Commander's glare. He quickly looked around, realizing exactly in what situation he had stepped in. The commander, alone with a woman who clearly wasn't a soldier and with whom he clearly wasn't talking about anything work related.

"Or… to your office…right…" Crushed purely by the power of his commanding officer's angry stare, the soldier cautiously made a few steps backwards before turning around and walking away as fast as he could.

They were left alone and before any uncomfortable silence could fall between them, Alexis tried to find a way out of it.

"If you need to…"

She never finished that phrase. Cullen didn't give her the time. He didn't want to hear her say he could still walk out of this moment and never have to talk about it again. He wanted her and right now, nothing else mattered. Before she could say anything more, his hands cupped her face and he kissed her.

Alexis let out a surprised gasp. Despite the initial shock she found herself immediately responding to his kiss, pressing her lips against his. She leaned into him, her hands on his waist, clutching at the cloth of his garb. It seemed to be all the encouragement Cullen needed. He pulled her closer into his arms and parted her lips, deepening their kiss as his tongue conquered her mouth. She eagerly responded, returning the favor, tasting him for the very first time. She felt breathless but wanted this kiss to go on forever. She was light headed and felt weak in her knees, and Maker, how good it was! Cullen's lips pressed against hers, their tongues playing and discovering each other. Skyhold could fall apart, the whole world could be swallowed by the Breach and she wouldn't be able to notice any of it. All that existed now was Cullen, the way he was holding her and how he was kissing her.

They parted after some time, not knowing for how long they were kissing. Cullen slowly let his hands slide down from her face to rest on her hips. He couldn't believe what he just did. And he was suddenly feeling very aware of how brash and forward he just acted.

"I'm sorry…that was…um…really nice."

"You don't regret it, do you?"

She truly feared he could regret it, Cullen could see that much in her eyes. He had never seen her look so vulnerable before. She seemed frail even, as if just the wrong word from him could shatter her. Cullen had come to deeply trust and respect the strong part of her. He felt compelled by her beauty and her rebel spirit. He liked her sense of humor. He wanted to be able to heal the scars and the darkness inside her. And he had come to love all those sides of her. But seeing her so fragile made him fall in love with her all over again.

"No! No. Not at all."

Cullen said, erasing all her fears. He leaned towards her and she met him halfway. They kissed and it was softer this time, less heated, taking their time to savor each touch of their lips, each small lick of their tongues. It lasted both a second and an eternity, leaving them with their desires finally fulfilled and yet craving for more.

"I can't believe this is real." Cullen said in a hushed whisper as he leaned his forehead against hers, his arms circling her waist.

"Oh? You need more proof perhaps?" She laughed capturing his lips with her own in a brief and tender kiss. She wrapped her arms around his neck, running a hand through his hair as the other, the one with the mark, covered as always in a fingerless glove, was at the nape of his neck.

"Careful there, if it's always like that I might want more proof every day."

"Well I don't know what you want but I didn't say all this to just... go back as the way we were before." Alexis choose her words carefully. What _they_ were now was not clearly established yet. All this, acknowledging their attraction, their feelings for each other, it was very new, and she didn't wanted to push the matter, just not now.

"I wouldn't want that either." Cullen said his voice rendered a bit husky by emotion.

"I don't even know how we're even supposed to make this work… whatever _this_ is but…" She had never been in a situation like this before. The very few romantic entanglements she had in the circle had to remain hidden. And after how badly the last one went, she had never let herself be involved emotionally with someone. She had a few flings during the time she spent in a mercenary company but it was never serious. And it never involved feelings beyond pure lust or the need to find comfort with a trusted companion. How she felt about Cullen was beyond anything she had known so far. She wanted him to be more than everything she had known before. She wanted _them_ , to be more. But she had no idea how she was supposed to say it, nor even if it was the time. Confessing her feelings was totally new to her. "I want to be with you Cullen."

Alexis' words echoed in Cullen's mind as he was slowly realizing what she was tentatively trying to say to him. This woman, so beautiful and strong, wanted to be with him rather than with a better man than he. She wanted him, a broken Templar, unworthy of her attention, and not someone who could be a better match for her. It felt surreal. It was crazy and improbable but she was there in his arms, her lips were his to kiss, and Cullen couldn't feel happier. He lifted his hand to cup her cheek and let his thumb slowly run along her bottom lip. They were still swollen from their kiss and red with desire.

"And I want to be with you Alexis."

She sighed in relief, Cullen's words feeling like a balm soothing all her previous fears. She smiled a bit mischievously to him and she nipped at his thumb. "You know those gloves are very irritating. And you wear them all the time."

She sounded playful and Cullen answered on the same tone. It was even more amusing that this very thought had crossed his mind more than once when he was with her.

"Oh really? Why is that?"

"Because I'm fairly certain that the hand inside the glove will be much more interesting than this very inconvenient layer of leather that covers it."

"If my Lady wishes it."

The sound of those words in Cullen's low and charming voice gave her shivers. He removed his gloves behind her back and let them fall to the ground in the process. One of his hands rested in the hollow of her back. The other slowly trailed up and he brought it to her neck, grazing her throat with his bare knuckles so he could, finally, cradle her face in the palm of his hand.

This simple touch sent jolts of electricity coursing through her entire body. Cullen's hands were rough and calloused but softer than she had imagined for a seasoned warrior like him. Her arms moved from his neck to his shoulders and she gripped them for balance as the world seemed to spin around her.

Alexis leaned into his touch and Cullen brought their lips together. Right now he couldn't think of something more perfect than this moment, the feel of her body in his arms, the smooth skin beneath his fingers, her perfect lips kissing him. He had never felt something like that before, this rush of adrenaline, the way his head felt so light. No other woman had elicited such reactions in him. Only her.

They slowly broke the kiss and Alexis' head came to rest on his shoulder. Cullen leaned his head atop hers and he was filled with the scent of her hair. He could smell notes of lilies and roses from her soap, flowers both strong and delicate. Cullen thought it suited her perfectly.

As he closed his embrace around Alexis, he knew that he would do everything to protect her and make her happy. Right now he had no idea where this sudden change in their relation was leading them. But somehow, if it meant holding her in his arms and sharing moments like that with her, he now considered himself the luckiest man in the world.


	35. Chapter 35

**A/N : Hi everyone, here is this week-end's update! As always thank you all for reading and for the reviews.**

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"Alright Josephine, I'll make sure everyone attends the fittings. And, as it seems that I won't be leaving Skyhold before we all depart for Halamshiral I suggest we adjourn this meeting. We'll have plenty of time to deal with less pressing matters in the morning."

"Very well Inquisitor." Josephine said with a nod.

The ambassador and the spymaster both took the direction of the hallway, chatting about matters of fashion. ' _The outfits for the ball at the Winter Palace needed to be perfect!'_ Trevelyan glanced discreetly in their direction, taking a very, very, long time to neatly organize on the table the several reports they had discussed throughout the meeting. At the other side, Cullen was doing the same. She smiled. Going through the council without looking dreamily at him had been trying. The intimate moment they had shared, only hours ago on the battlements, was the only thing she had been able to think about. She couldn't wait to have more of them.

Apparently Cullen felt the same way. As soon as the two women were out of the room he circled the table saying:

"I believe that was the most painful…" He came closer to her, slowly sliding one arm around her waist.

"Horrible…." She said, her hands coming to rest on his breastplate, letting him pull her into an embrace

"War council ever." He finished, leaning towards her, laying down a chaste kiss on her lips.

"I whole heartedly agree! I can't believe Josephine insisted so much that we all attend those fittings for the ball's outfits." She said in jest, mirth making her blue eyes sparkle.

"Sure, that's exactly why this evening's briefing felt so endless." Cullen captured her lips again, less gingerly this time. She laughed against his mouth then leaned into his kiss.

"Well that, and the view was very distracting." Alexis added once they parted and she molded against him, her head coming to rest on his shoulder.

"It sure was." He laid a soft kiss on her forehead and closed his arms around her.

They simply stood in silence for a moment, holding each other, enjoying the feeling of their newly found intimacy.

"I was wondering…" Alexis nearly whispered those words, her head still buried in the fur collar of his coat.

"Yes?"

"Well you're the Commander of the Inquisition and I'm the Inquisitor, the Herald of Andraste, so they like to say. If words spreads out that we are… seeing each other, it will have people talking."

She straightened up so she could look Cullen in the eyes. He seemed a little troubled as well.

"You wouldn't believe how quickly gossip spreads through the barracks." He said with a sigh. "And, surprisingly" that last word was said with a clear hint of sarcasm "it always spreads faster when it concerns a superior officer. I already overheard rumors and whispers about me being very displeased at being interrupted while in charming company. Although I heard no mention of you, I guess Jim didn't have the time to recognize you."

"I was trying my best to hide myself. I don't know why exactly. It's not as if we were in a Circle." She chuckled, remembering how cautious and hidden relationships had to be in the Circle. "And I imagine it's better that he didn't realize it was me? These rumors must bother you."

"I would rather my…our… private affairs remain that way. But if there was nothing here for people to talk about, I would regret it more."

"I suppose that, even if we are discreet, people will notice. And that's not counting Varric, Leliana or Dorian… it seems like nothing goes on in Skyhold without at least one of them knowing. So I don't know if being discreet will even be possible. Not that I want to hide anything! Just…" She sighed and looked away, sliding off Cullen's arms.

"What's wrong?" He asked, his brow knitting, unable to help a small pang of fear.

"I'm not very good at this Cullen. I don't know how it's like to be with someone. I mean, yes I've been with men before but it was always brief, or had to be kept secret because it's how things were in a Circle and when you're a mage. I don't know what you expect of me, or even how I should acknowledge what has been going on between us if it goes public." She blurted out, a little flustered.

To Cullen her nervousness was endearing. He had always assumed she would be at ease in this kind of situation. He could relate to her uneasiness. The last time he had been intimate with a woman was in a faraway memory, and the last time he could say he was romantically involved was even further away in time.

"I'm not better at this than you are Alexis. If I seem unsure sometimes, it's because it's been a long time since I've wanted anyone in my life. I wasn't expecting to find that here. Or you." He held out his hand to her and she immediately took it, allowing Cullen to pull her back into his arms. "What do you say about we take this one day at a time? We stay professional when dealing with matters related to the Inquisition, and when we're not, we can take the time to figure out how we're comfortable to act? You need to know that I don't expect anything from you, I'm just fine to be with you and share moments like this with you."

"Me too." She wrapped her arms around his shoulders burying her head in his neck, her lips ghosting over the soft skin of his throat, inhaling his scent. There was hint of leather and armor polish but Cullen, he smelled like earth after a thunderstorm, like fresh grass under a summer rain. He was intoxicating and she already felt like she couldn't have enough of him.

"As much as I'd like to stay here with you, I believe we should go before our 'delay' becomes suspicious." He said with a smile, laying a kiss on the top of her head.

"You're right. If we could avoid Josephine and Leliana's comments for a few days I wouldn't mind." Her lips traced the arch of his throat, then the line of his jaw, as she slowly made her way towards his mouth.

"You have no idea in how much trouble I am when those two will find out!" Cullen said, shivering from her touch.

"Oh I know." Alexis laughed, and she softly laid a kiss on the scar that marred his lips. "They will gang up on you as if they were your sisters and play mean tricks on you."

"Something like that." He said, groaning when her lips brushed his scar. No woman had touched this scar, even less kissed it. It was a new sensation and it felt both good and a bit exciting. "Then, I suppose this is good night?"

"Yes. I promised the boys I would go to the tavern and have a drink with them. And if the rumors reached them you have no idea in how much trouble I am for the rest of the night. But I was planning on doing some early training tomorrow… if you'd like to join me?"

"I would like that."

"Then I'll see you tomorrow morning."

"See you tomorrow."

They kissed one last time, both fighting the desire to make it last longer and longer. Using every ounce of their will, they grudgingly let go of each other, whispering a last goodbye and wishes of good night.

* * *

"I'm not putting some fancy pants to go to some shite noble ball!"

"A shirt and a jacket, really boss?"

Trevelyan was at the Herald's Rest, sitting between Dorian and Varric. At the table were also present Blackwall, Sera and Iron Bull. The last two were complaining since she had informed them of Josephine's plans on making everyone go through fittings for the Inquisition's formal outfits.

"Again, if you're not happy about it, please go see Josephine! Believe me I already tried to talk her out of the idea but she was adamant about it. And I don't even want to think about what she has in store for me." The last part was said in a whisper.

"Ruffles has something special up her sleeves for you Frostbite?" Varric asked with a smirk.

"Apparently. As she said, 'I need to stand out in the crowd'. Don't know what she meant by that, but the idea alone is frightening."

Trevelyan took a sip from her tankard of ale, ignoring the sly grin Varric was throwing at her.

"Why? You would look ravishing in a dress. Though not in Orlesian style, no. You need something more form-fitting, something that will emphasize your curves!"

Alexis nearly drowned herself with her ale at Dorian's comment.

"Whaaat?"

"Yes! Fashion, my dear Alexis, is an important part of those events. You have to be at your advantage! And there sure is a lot of advantage to take from your slender figure and from those curves." Dorian said pointing at her breasts and hips.

"I have to agree with the Vint on that one." Bull smirked.

"You will look lovely." Blackwall added sincerely. He probably was the only one who wasn't trying to mess with her right now.

"I am not going to chase after an assassin through the Winter Palace in a dress!" Alexis countered. "That's the important part of our mission! Not… cozying up with some Orlesian nobles."

"My point exactly! With the perfect dress, it's them who will come cozying up to you. You deal with the boring nobles quickly and you can focus on the task at hand. Besides you can easily hide weapons underneath a dress."

Dorian winked and Trevelyan let out a tired sigh. It was impossible to win with him in those kinds of situations, so she stayed silent and drank her ale. No one else wanted to push the topic further so the subject of conversation quickly changed and she listened to her companions' chatter, happy to no longer be the center of the attention. Varric was telling one of his famous stories when cheering, coming from a nearby table, drew their attention.

There were several soldiers sitting there and they were all looking at a young man who had just entered the tavern and was walking towards them. Trevelyan gave him a quick and uninterested glance and then, she froze.

"Hey Jim! Heard you got yourself into trouble with the Commander earlier!"

Trevelyan's mouth dropped and she quickly looked away from Jim. Why, of all the soldiers of the Inquisition, does it have to be the one that had walked in on Cullen and her on the battlements?

"Trouble? Void, that's one way to say it. Nearly thought he was going to strangle me." Jim said sighing and literally letting himself fall onto a chair.

"What happened?" another soldier, a woman, asked.

"Oh you haven't heard yet? Jim caught the Commander with a woman earlier on the battlements!"

"No way! How did it happen?"

"How many times will I have to say it." Jim complained.

"One more time at least! Tell us!"

"Fiiiine. Well, I had to deliver him a report he wanted 'without delay' so, as he wasn't in his office, I asked where he was. They told me he was walking the battlements so I went to find him and when I did, he was with a woman, they were very close and the Commander looked very, very, angry that I had… interrupted them."

Alexis' attention was purposefully fixed on her drink, the silence at her own table was proof enough that all her companions were carefully listening to the chatter from the soldiers.

"The Commander with a woman, well that's something new!"

"Sure is! I mean he's a great but he's kinda married to his job. Never saw that coming! By the way, did you see who it was? The woman?"

The more they talked the more Trevelyan felt embarrassed and she couldn't help the blush on her cheeks. Good thing she was drinking, it was a perfect excuse. She risked a quick look at her companions only to regret it immediately. They all had their gaze fixed on her and wide grins that went up to their ears. Alexis cursed and drank again, taking a long gulp. She was definitely going to need some liquid courage to face the rest of the evening with her friends.

At the other table the discussion went on.

"No I didn't really have a good look at her. But she seemed embarrassed and was looking away and I was more concerned about the stare the Commander was giving me! I swear I've never seen a stare so scary before!"

"Yeah, you're probably up for some shitty assignments for the next weeks! And alright you don't know who she is but what was she like? You must have seen something!"

"Why does it matter?"

"Oh c'mon Jim! Aren't you just a bit curious to know with whom our very stern and serious Commander had a little fun?"

"You're not going to drop the case are you?... Fine! Well she was tall, brown hair, she seemed athletic and she wasn't wearing a soldier gear."

"Oh it could be that Templar, Belinda? She had a crush on him!"

"No, Belinda doesn't have brown hair. And besides nearly half the woman in Skyhold had a crush on the Commander at some point." The woman soldier said.

"Yeah, you did too, I remember. What do you all see in him anyway?" The man complained in his most annoyed tone.

"Are you blind? He's damn gorgeous! And it's not my fault if the man decided to be shirtless while sparring with that Qunari mercenary the other day! What's a girl supposed to do if not stare?"

Dorian leaned towards Alexis, whispering in her ear "You should have totally been there, it was grandiose!"

She sank further in her chair, hoping that none of the soldiers, especially Jim, would notice her.

"Yeah sure! Well it could also be that other Templar, Lysette? She has brown hair. Jim what do you think?"

"Perhaps, I don't know. As I said, I didn't have a good look at her. Can we please speak of something else?"

Jim's plea finally had them change the subject and Alexis could breathe a little. Although her relief was short lived, there was no way her friends would get off her back for the rest of the evening.

"Sooo, you and Curly? Good for you!" Varric wiggled his eyebrows at her.

"I'm warning you sweetheart, I'll want details! Lots of them!" Dorian said while sliding his arms around Alexis' shoulder.

"Jealous that pretty Templar boy likes girls, Dorian?" Sera mocked him sardonically.

"Jealous, me? Absolutely not, well perhaps a little, but, no, I merely want to collect my reward for all my efforts in putting those two together!"

"You may want more interesting things to happen before you ask for details." Bull winked at both Trevelyan and the Tevinter mage.

"Bull if you're saying what I'm thinking you're saying… just don't! Please don't!" Alexis said sounding defeated.

"Oh I believe he's absolutely saying what you're thinking he's saying!" Dorian nudged her shoulder smiling all the way to his ears. "But don't worry, unlike our ill-mannered friend here, I am not interested in knowing who will end on top between you and the Commander. Although, please, don't wait too long before you get down to business. If you wait even half as long as you've been waiting before finally acknowledging your feelings for each other, the build-up of sexual tension will be most insufferable. And it will make you grumpy whenever we're away of Skyhold for weeks."

"That's it… I clearly haven't drunk enough to hear more comments about all this! And you all better have changed the subject when I'm back!"

Alexis rose to her feet and walked towards the counter. She was only halfway there when Bull called out to her.

"Hey Boss! Bring some of the good stuff. We need to celebrate!"

She spun on her heels and Bull eyed her lusciously, looking very pleased with himself. She was ready to throw him a witty comment when her gaze landed on Jim. Their eyes met and she saw a spark in them. He knew. He had just connected the dots between her and the woman he briefly saw on the battlements. Brown hair, same outfit, he knew she was the one he had seen with the Commander earlier. Trevelyan's gaze went dark, glaring daggers, at Bull first, knowing he had called her on purpose, and at Jim. The poor lad shrunk underneath her gaze. She felt bad for him, two cold harsh stares in one day? He didn't deserve it. But the last thing she wanted right now was the whole tavern to know that the Inquisitor and the Commander were involved.

She turned around and walked to the counter. She had a feeling this wasn't the last time she would have to face comments or awkward situations because of her relationship with Cullen. It bothered her, for merely a second. Then she remembered the taste of his lips, his intoxicating scent, the way he would close his embrace around her as if she was the most precious and fragile thing in the world, his smile, the desire and affection in his eyes... And she no longer cared for everything else that wasn't him. Cullen was worth it. Every second with him was worth it.


	36. Chapter 36

**A/N: Hello everyone! Quick message to warn you all that I will be on vacation next week, so I am not sure if I will be able to update the fic before the end of the month. With any luck I'll have a chapter ready before I leave this week-end, but no promises :)**

 **Thank you all for reading and for the fav/follow! And also a huge thank you to my lovely beta-reader, AdventurousDreamer for taking the time to correct all my mistakes and for giving me her precious advices!**

* * *

 _Cullen looks down, he is in full Templar armor, the magical walls of his prison undulate in front of him. He is back there again, at Kinloch Hold, when the circle fell. He is kneeling, praying, words of the Chant of Light are pouring from his lips. How many days did he spend like that? How many weeks? He can never remember._

 _"_ _Look at what I have found."_

 _The voice surrounds him, light, tempting, like a heady song. Cullen doesn't want to look but his eyes lift up anyway. He already knows what he is going to see, what he is supposed to see, one of his friends, brothers in arms, ready to be slaughtered before his eyes. He doesn't want to see but he can't help it. His eyes go up and his heart stops._

 _"_ _Isn't she gorgeous?"_

 _Alexis is before him, her hands tied behind her back, the demon holding her tightly._

 _"_ _Let her go! Or I swear to the Maker I will…"_

 _"_ _You will what? You can't do anything Cullen. You're in my power and now so is the woman you love."_

 _The desire demon closes her hand around Alexis' throat and she groans in pain as its fingers dig into her skin._

 _"_ _Don't touch her!" Cullen pounces only to be stopped by the magical barrier._

 _"_ _Oh but she is so… tempting! So beautiful, so powerful and she is a mage!"_

 _"_ _Get your hands off her demon!" Cullen lashes out one more time._

 _"_ _He is so sweet, don't you think? Trying to protect you when he cannot?" The demon says to Alexis. "He wishes he could, but it's not possible. You're out there, facing danger every day. You are the nemesis of an ancient evil. You cannot win this, you're just a mortal. And you… Cullen, cannot save her!"_

 _The fingers around Alexis' throat become talons and they rip her skin apart, opening wide and deep gashes. Blood spills profusely from the wounds and her cry of agony dies on her lips as she gasps desperately for air. The demon let her fall to the ground and Cullen screams, he pounds his fists to the walls of his prison in despair. The demon kneels beside Alexis, running a clawed hand on her cheeks._

 _"_ _He can't save you, but I can. You just need to… let me IN!"_

Cullen awoke in a cry. His breathing was ragged and he was covered in sweat. He quickly detangled his limbs from the sheets. It seems like he was trashing in his sleep. The room was still cast in darkness, the hole in his roof only letting in the shallow light of an early morning. He still had hours ahead of him, before any duty called out to him but he knew sleep was no longer an option. He wouldn't find rest, not after what he just saw in his nightmare, not when fear was still clenching his gut so tightly.

He refused to let himself think about what was happening just before he woke up. He refused to be dragged down that path. Yes, Alexis was a mage, she could become possessed, like any other mage. Cullen reminded himself that she wasn't just any other mage. Demons prayed on weakness, on fear, or were lured by malevolent people. Alexis was none of that. Sure she had weaknesses but her will was strong. No demon could fool her. To be honest Cullen didn't feared she could be possessed, he never had been. His broken mind was only trying to find new ways to torture him. And the worst part was that it was working. He cared for her, more than he was ready to admit, and their fledgling relationship already felt like the most important thing in his life aside from the Inquisition.

He quickly wiped the sweat of his brows and donned a light training outfit. Morning exercises would help clear his head. He left his armor on the rack along with his cloak. He didn't need them. He didn't want them right now. Later he would put them on, vesting himself in the mantle of the Commander and hiding all the cracks and all the scars behind the mask. Right now he couldn't bear that weight, he wanted to be just himself, even if it was for a few hours.

Not even taking the time to tame his hair, he climbed down his loft and headed for the training ground.

After a good hour of intense workout the lingering memories of his nightmare had disappeared. The thoughts swirling in his mind gave way to a quiet and deep concentration. His senses were honed by his focus, impervious to everything that wasn't here and now. He was practicing close combat moves, repeating them tirelessly, his hands and arms hitting the training dummy specially created for these kinds of exercises. He felt, more than he heard, someone approaching. He needn't to turn to know it was her. He was expecting her to come at some point. It could have been anyone else. Yet he knew. Perhaps it was the sound of her light footsteps, or the small whiff of her scent brought by the light morning breeze. Perhaps it was the feel of her burning stare on his shirtless back.

Cullen quickly finished his last series of movements and turned around. A smile crept up his lips the moment he saw her. Her eyes were still laden with sleep, as if she had just woken up a few moments ago, her braid was messy with lots of flyaways. She was lovely and adorable and far from the perfect image of the Inquisitor. She was only Alexis, his Alexis, he thought, a bit possessively.

"Morning." She said as he walked towards her. "Didn't mean to interrupt you."

"Morning. And you can interrupt me anytime. If you I don't mind."

Cullen was covered in a thin layer of sweat from his hour of training, so, despite how much he wanted to draw her in his arms, he only leaned towards her and laid a tender kiss on her lips. She responded with the same softness, her mouth curving upwards with a small smile.

"Did you sleep well?"

She asked as they parted, and Cullen took a small step back, keenly aware that, despite the early hour, people could cross the courtyard at any moment.

"Well enough." He responded in all honesty. He was used to dealing with the nightmares, and seeing her alive and well was enough of a cure to the haunting image of her body bathed in blood. "And you?"

"I wouldn't mind to sleep for a couple more hours. But I woke up with a headache, drank too much last night I guess. So I thought that early training might help! Besides, I told you yesterday I would come. I have to admit that the view is far better here. And you should see the one I have from my quarters, that says something!" She grinned, her eyes shamelessly roaming up Cullen's bare chest.

Cullen laughed, running a hand through his tousled hair. Her light teasing felt different to him now that they had acknowledged their feelings for each other. It didn't prevent the blush that rose to his cheeks, but there was no longer any uncertainty, or the need to wonder why she was flirting with him. He could just enjoy the compliments and smile at the mischief in her eyes.

"Sure you're not still a bit drunk?"

"Don't know. I just climbed out of bed minutes ago and didn't have my morning tea, so until then, my mouth basically has a will of its own."

"Then I suppose I should thank her for what she just said about the view."

Cullen laid his hand on her neck and jaw and, closing the small distance between them, captured her lips. It seemed he was unable to stay away from her, even for the briefest moment. She leaned into his touch deepening their kiss slowly, yet keeping it sweet and tender. Something more out of love than out of lust. For the moment.

"So, how was last night?" He asked, grudgingly letting her go.

Alexis was removing her jacket and she dropped it on a nearby bench before starting to warm up her muscles.

"Urgh…embarrassing. Fun also, but embarrassing."

Cullen gave her a quizzical look and she quickly related the events of the previous evening. How, of all people, Jim was the one who had walked in the tavern, how his friends had asked him about the rumors regarding the Commander and how Bull had tricked her to make sure the man saw her and be able to recognize her.

"As you can imagine, they all teased me mercilessly. And I'm fairly certain I haven't heard the end of it."

"If it makes you feel any better, I'm in for a round too, next time I see them."

"It doesn't…" She had finished warming up and stepped closer to Cullen, stealing him a kiss. "But that just might do the trick."

They shared a smile and went on with their own workout routine. For some very strange reason Alexis had a hard time to stay focused on her exercises. Cullen was very distracting, and his casual look with tousled bed hair was doing nothing to help! Her eyes would always wander to him and roam over his body. He was muscular but in a lean and not too bulky way, as if perfectly carved out of marble. Even the scars marring his skin couldn't dim how appealing and perfect he was to her. She found herself tracing their pattern, three parallel lines on his right forearm, two others on his back, a couple on his abdomen. One, especially, caught her eyes, because looking at it caused her eyes to deviate and trace the line of blond hair going down his navel. And if that wasn't annoying enough there was still the very tempting scar on his lips.

After more than ten years as a Templar and given all the battles Cullen went through, the fact that he hadn't more of them was a testimony to his skills. They suited him, they were an adornment to his skin and they spoke of pride and battles won to Alexis. She wished she could feel the same way about her own. But her scars didn't spoke of a vanquished enemy. They were the embodiment of her weaknesses, a reminder of her failures. Deep down, she was ashamed of them.

She averted her eyes from Cullen. She couldn't help the knot of apprehension that settled in her stomach. Cullen have seen her scars, even so briefly, it was no news to him. But what about the story behind them, what about the day they would become more intimate? The subject was bound to be discussed if their relationship went forward. And she very much wanted for their relationship to grow. She had to admit that it scared her. She was far from being as at ease with that story than she appeared on the outside.

"You seem distracted." Cullen said upon looking at her.

"I just… keep thinking about things." She responded, omitting to say the truth.

"Good or bad?" He asked.

"A bit of both." That much, at least, was true and she said it with a smile.

"If I can help with the bad part, you know you only have to ask."

"I know, but what about you help with the good part?" Saying so, she closed the few steps separating them. She leaned towards him, her lips ghosting over his.

"I suppose I can help with that too."

Cullen pulled her close with one of his arm and captured her teasing lips in a kiss. They were both smiling widely as they broke the kiss completely oblivious of the world around them, wrapped up in the blissful feelings of their newly found relationship.

After a couple of minutes they finally managed to get their minds back on the training at hand. Cullen offered to help Alexis and he guided her through several exercises he usually put his soldiers through. She fared quite well, at least at the beginning. Cullen was pushing her hard, a bit harder than he would with his soldiers. Whatever training she had followed on her own, or with some unknown help, it had been efficient.

Nonetheless, right now, she was beginning to tire. She was covered in sweat and it was becoming harder for her to recover her breath. She was doing sit-ups, Cullen was kneeling in front of her, holding her legs, keeping her feet on the ground.

"Ten more."

"What?" She said, as she finished the last series, breathing hard.

"I know you can do it Trevelyan."

"Urgh… No wonder your soldiers dread when you're the one supervising the drills. You're really not fair Rutherford!" She pushed herself up, gritting her teeth.

"Perhaps, but you like it." He said with a grin.

Alexis leaned back on her hands, and locked her gaze with his, a tired smile playing on her lips.

"Oh believe me, the day you have me all breathless and sweaty before you and you hear me say that 'I liked it' means we have done something else entirely than strengthening exercises."

Cullen's blush was immediate and the meaning of her words slowly downed onto Alexis. She bit her lips, refraining herself from grinning at his reaction. It never ceased to surprised her, how this man, powerful, the leader of a huge army, could easily become flustered and unsure. Depending on the moment he could very well tease her, flirt with her and even act a little brashly, like the other day when he kissed her on the battlements. And moments later, if only a bit taken aback on personal matters, he could be shy and blush adorably.

"Sorry I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. " Alexis said quickly, filling the possible awkward silence.

"It's fine. I just didn't expect you to say that. Not that I wouldn't want something to happen…just."

"Cullen. It's alright. It just slipped out of my mouth. No pressure here. As you said yesterday; one day at a time." Cullen nodded and Alexis leaned forward, wrapping her arms around her knees. "And I know I must have already said it but you really look adorable when you blush."

"And I have the feeling you might like to say things to achieve just that."

"Perhaps." She shrugged, smiling at him.

"I see. Well, maybe _that day_ I'll make sure 'like' isn't quite the word you will have in mind."

Cullen's cheeks were still red, but he gave her a roguish smile and it was Alexis' turn to flush. Two could play that game.

"I had no idea you could be a tease, Commander."

Alexis leaned to kiss him and he closed the remaining distance. He parted her lips, invading her mouth with his tongue. Cullen couldn't deny the conversation had placed inappropriate thoughts in his mind. He broke the kiss, staying only inches apart from her.

"I was a Templar, not some cloistered chantry brother. And, as I remember you asking, you already know I never took vows of chastity."

And he captured her lips again. Cullen could feel her yield underneath his gentle assault. But it only lasted a moment. She playfully bit his lips, fighting with him for some kind of dominance. And when he pulled back just a little she slowly ran her tongue along his scar. Cullen groaned, his fingers gripping her calves more tightly.

They parted, breathless and Cullen had to refrain his sudden drive to pull her in his lap, slip his arms tightly around her and kiss her, hard. He looked down at her, her striking blue eyes were now a dark pool of raw desire. He clearly wasn't the only one affected by this very passionate kiss.

Becoming more aware of their surroundings, they both took time to catch their breath and place some distance between them. They were in a rather public space. Even if the day was still young and if nobody had passed by yet, that could change any minute now.

As if meant to serve as a final warning, steps echoed in the courtyard, quickly approaching. Cullen and Alexis only got the time to completely break apart from each other before a tall and slim figure came into view, casting shadows over them.

"Good morning Cassandra." Alexis said, acting normal, taking her time to rise to her feet, giving the Seeker a friendly smile. Cullen followed with a _Morning_ that didn't sound as casual as hers, despite his attempt at looking as if nothing out of the ordinary just happened.

"Good morning to you two. You are up awfully early." She said, looking at Alexis.

"Had a rough night. I needed to train to clear my head. By the way, that drink that Bull likes so much? If he tries to have you drink it, refuse, immediately! Running away is even an option."

"I shall keep that in mind."

Cullen was impressed by how easily Alexis could spin her story and avert the Seeker's attention. As if they hadn't been heatedly kissing and holding onto each other moments ago, he swore he couldn't tell something out of the ordinary just happened.

"Well I suppose I should go wash up and eat before this morning's council. Thank you for the help with the training Commander."

She turned to Cullen, smiling to him. It was a friendly smile, one he knew she could give to other people close to her. But it wasn't her smile that caught his attention. It was her eyes. They sparked with longing desire and tenderness. This smile, it could be given to others. But her gaze, it was his and his only. A warm and strange feeling settled in the pit of his stomach, a light flutter. It made it hard for him to keep a straight face in front of Cassandra and not break into a huge smile.

"It was a pleasure, Inquisitor."

Cullen bowed his head to her and when he caught the impish glint in her eyes he was certain she understood the innuendo. He watched her as she went to pick up her jacket and couldn't help his eyes but to linger on her a while longer as she made her way towards the keep.

"I know this isn't my business Cullen, but you and the Inquisitor might want to choose more private locations for your displays of…affection."

Cullen looked, dumbfounded, at Cassandra, his mouth bobbing open and close before he could finally find his words.

"How did you… and how do you know there is something between the Inquisitor and I?"

"I'm a Seeker Cullen… I see things, even when people wish them to stay hidden. Besides, rumors spread fast. When I heard you have been seen with a woman, it didn't take me much time to put two and two together. You've had feelings for Trevelyan for months now, and she for you. It was rather obvious whom you were with. As for today, I may have not seen exactly what the both of you were doing right there on the ground, and Alexis may be good at talking her way out of situation, but it doesn't make a blush or dilated pupils disappear!"

Cassandra arched her brow at him, crossing her arms over her chest but Cullen could see a tiny smile tugging a corner of her lips. Nonetheless he was feeling embarrassed and he took a few steps away from her to grab and put on his shirt, hiding his uneasiness from her. Cassandra had become a trusted and good friend. He was feeling bad that she caught him in trying to hide something from her.

"Of course you would know. And you're right, it won't happen again." He said, looking at her with hints of regret for his actions.

"You know, I begin to believe that Dorian is right about you, you really are hopeless with women. I wasn't trying to imply nothing of the sort should happen, Cullen. If anything, I'm happy for you and Trevelyan, you both deserve to be happy. And Maker, it will certainly be better for everyone around you now that you finally have realized you like each other! All I am saying is that… you two should be careful."

"We will. I guess we were just… caught up in the moment." Cullen said, rubbing at the back of his neck nervously.

Cassandra grinned more visibly this time.

"Sure you were. After all this time dancing around each other, who wouldn't be! But next time, use her quarters to get 'caught up in the moment'! Not yours, with all those doors and that hole in the roof you don't want to have fixed, I'm not certain it would be better than here."

Cullen had never know Cassandra to make innuendos, had she just make one here? He wondered. He watched, puzzled, as she strolled down to the dummy and went about her own training routine.

Alone with a myriad of thoughts, he made his way to his tower. If Cassandra knew, no way Leliana and Josephine hadn't heard of it. This day, which had started in the most pleasant way with Alexis, would probably become a very trying and long one. Why had the Maker decided to surround him by cunning and impish woman like them? He would never hear the end of their teasing.


	37. Chapter 37

**A/N : Hello everyone! I'm still on holiday, but I managed to have an update ready! Hope you will enjoy it!**

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"No Josephine. I am not wearing _this_ at the ball." Trevelyan said, deadly serious, her eyes going back and forth between the ambassador and the dress she had in her hands.

"Why not? You will look perfect in it!"

"I most certainly will not."

"My dear Alexis, you have to trust us." Vivienne said. "We have carefully chosen the cut and the color. You will be the talk of the whole court, as you are supposed to be!"

"Please, do try it on, Inquisitor. We assure you, you will not regret it." Josephine added.

"I have the feeling I will." _And so will you_ Alexis thought. But she knew the two women wouldn't be satisfied and wouldn't leave her quarters before she tried the damn dress on.

She hadn't worn a dress in years. Mage robes, yes, because those always covered the whole body. But she had passed on evening gowns. Not that she had many opportunities, and she was fine with it. She could remember a time when she had loved dressing up to attend her family's parties. At her father, or at her great-aunt Lucille's insistence, she was always authorized to leave the circle to attend them.

It was over now. The only way she could wear a dress meant it had to cover her up to her neck. Alas, the fashion, pretty much everywhere in Thedas, was a corset, low neckline and bare shoulders. She couldn't wear a dress like that. But she had to humor Josephine and Vivienne, hadn't she? She could just tell them she had scars on her back that would show when she wore the dress. Somehow she had the feeling they would insist anyway. Deep down Alexis also hoped that the display of the scars on her back would embarrass them a little, just enough so they would drop this idea of making her wear a dress at the ball.

Taking the dress from Josephine's hands she went behind a screen and began to undress. She let all her clothes fall to the ground as she removed them, until the only garments left were her underwear. Then, she took the dress and, hidden from Vivienne and Josephine's prying eyes, she took the time to look at it, feeling the soft fabric underneath her fingers as she donned it.

The dress was simple, pure. And its simplicity, achieved to perfection, made it absolutely gorgeous. The color was a light and vivid green, like fresh spring grass under the sun. The cut was form-fitting, the bodice outlining her curves. The square neck stopped exactly above her breasts, not too revealing yet made to catch the eye, and the rim was outlined by silvery embroidery. Alexis was used to dresses worn with petticoats. There was none here, the cloth simply falling down around her legs. It framed delicately her slender silhouette. The sleeves were long and Alexis saw a small piece of cloth attached to the left one. It fitted perfectly on her hand, covering the anchor. She smiled weakly, realizing just how much details Josephine and Vivienne had put into this dress. She was beginning to feel sorry that she wouldn't be able to wear it at the Winter Palace.

But there was something else to the dress, making it look really special. A layer made of a filmy and nearly transparent fabric which covered it entirely. It was sewed to the bodice and spanning out freely at her hips. The fabric would catch the light with Alexis' every move, adorning the dress with a myriad of reflections. It made her look ethereal, other worldly. It was gorgeous and perfect and… she couldn't wear it.

Alexis tightened the lace on the back, as best she could, and stepped on the other side of the screen. When Josephine saw her, she gasped in delight. Vivienne smiled, probably feeling self-content of her choices regarding the dress.

"Lady Trevelyan you are…"

"Perfect dear!" Vivienne said. "You really should dress up like that more often. You look so much better than in one of your casual outfits. Now, turn around so I can tie up those laces."

"That won't be necessary Vivienne, I can't wear it to the ball."

Alexis slowly turned around and, gathered her hair in her hand. She heard gasps, of surprise this time, and bit her lips, fighting off the need to run behind the screen, tear off the dress and jump back in her usual clothes. The dress was exposing a part of her upper back and of her shoulder blades, the scars were unmistakable.

The heavy silence that suddenly settled was finally broken when Vivienne walked up to Trevelyan. She pulled the laces of the bodice, tightening it until it was framing Alexis perfectly.

"My dear, as ugly as your scars are, you have two choices here, hide them or wear them with pride. I suggest you learn, and quickly, how to do the latter."

She was about to respond to Vivienne when a knock on the door interrupted her.

"Who is it?"

"Commander Cullen, Inquisitor. I have a report for you."

Vivienne grabbed Alexis by the shoulders and spun her around, leading her back behind the screen.

"Just the man we need." The First Enchanter told her with a proud grin. "Do come in Commander!" She added, raising her voice.

Cullen opened the door and quickly walked up the last flight of stairs. He had already recognized Vivienne's voice and he saw her, along with Josephine, waiting for him. Both had a smile on their face and the immediate thought that came to his mind was: _this is not good._

"Sorry Inquisitor, I didn't know you had company." He glanced around, searching for her. He caught sight of a silhouette, hers, behind the screen and quickly added. "I didn't mean to bother you at an inappropriate time but we just got word from Hawke, she and Warden Stroud will be at Skyhold within the next couple of days. It took them more time than they thought to avoid detection. I thought you would like to be informed right away."

"Thanks Commander. You did well in keeping me updated on that matter."

Since they had started to see each other, Cullen had sometimes taken the excuse of a report or an important message to directly come see her and have a few minutes in her company. Alexis did the same, although the people coming and going in and out of his office made those minutes less intimate than when he came up here.

More than a week was separating them from that day, on the battlements, where they had finally given into their attraction for each other. Since then, they barely had found the time to be together, both buried into their work. Their depart for Halamshiral was quickly approaching, and since the Inquisitor and all her advisors were meant to attend the ball, they had a lot of extra work to make sure their absence from Skyhold wouldn't pose a problem.

These were their only brief stolen moments together, after a war council or under the pretext of an important message. Yet it felt far from sufficient and Cullen was craving to have a real and peaceful moment with her. Not just a brief kiss or a quick embrace when they could be alone and away from prying eyes. He had hoped now could be that moment. But with the presence of Vivienne and Josephine, that very hope vanished.

"I shall leave you ladies to… whatever it is you're doing." He said, glancing at both Josephine and Vivienne. They were both looking at him like the cat that swallowed the canary. _Really not good, I need to get out of here now._ "If you need me, I'll be in my office for the rest of the day, Inquisitor."

"Don't leave just yet Commander." Josephine said before he could rush down the stairs. And before he could protest in any sort of way she called out to Alexis. "You can come out now, lady Trevelyan."

"This is ridiculous."

Cullen heard her say it with a sigh, a clear hint of annoyance in her voice. What had the ambassador and Madame de Fer been up to? Wild guesses were already forming in his mind when Alexis slowly walked from behind the screen and his thoughts were immediately shut down. His mouth bobbed open and he was completely unable to steer his gaze away from her.

Cullen could hardly recall a day when he didn't found her beautiful. Even when she was bloodied and battered after a battle, even when she was covered in sweat after training hard, he still found her charm. But there was a world of difference between _his_ Alexis, the one who wore casual clothes in Skyhold, the one who wore leather armor and a worn out coat during her travels, and who he was seeing now. The woman before his eyes was gorgeous in a whole new and different way. The floor length dress was delicately framing her body, highlighting the shape of her silhouette, the slim of her waist, the curves of her hips and the round of her breasts. The green of the fabric was shimmering, casting faint reflections every time light touched it. The color was bringing out her eyes and looked perfect on her fair skin. With her tresses let down to rest gracefully on her shoulders, the only word to describe her that came to Cullen's mind was, heavenly.

"Well, my dear, if the effect you have on the nobles at the ball at the Winter Palace is even half the one you are having on our Commander, you'll have them all wrapped around your fingers in no time."

The First Enchanter's words forced Cullen back to reality. He remembered to close his mouth and to stop starring, although that last part was quite hard to accomplish.

"I'm sorry, Vivienne, Josephine, I know how much effort you two put into this and the dress is lovely, really. But I can't wear it! You have told me many times how perfectly ready we must be to face the full scrutiny of the court, and I won't be able to do this, and stop the assassination if I am… exposed like this."

"I think it looks beautiful on you." Cullen said, smiling at her.

Alexis shot him a glance and, turning around she said wryly: "And now? Do you still believe it looks beautiful on me?"

Cullen's gaze wandered on her back and alongside the scars peeking out from the rim of the dress. He wanted to say ' _Yes you still are beautiful'_ but somehow, his mouth wouldn't obey him, shut down by the glimpse of hurt he saw in her eyes.

"Alright" Josephine said with a defeated sigh, realizing that Trevelyan would not abide by their wish. "We don't have the time to fix the dress properly for the ball but, I'll arrange to have one of the ceremony outfits to be tailored at your measurement. Since we are going there as a military organization, it will suffice."

"Thank you Josephine."

Although she sounded tired, she gave a weak but grateful smile to Josephine. The ambassador gave her a bow of her head and headed for the stairs, followed by Vivienne who said one last thing before leaving.

"Remember what I told you my dear. Because if you don't overcome that weakness, given your position, soon, people will find a way to exploit it."

The door shut close behind the two women, leaving Cullen and Alexis alone in the room.

"I'd better go change." She said, with a heavy sigh.

"Do you wish me to go?" Cullen asked tentatively.

"No. I'm… glad that you are here. We barely had some time together in the last days. Just give me a moment to get out of this thing."

Cullen watched her disappear behind the screen. Somehow this visual barrier between them freed the words stuck on his chest.

"You know, you are beautiful. Even the dress showing your scars doesn't change that. You aren't less of a person, or less the strong and capable woman I know you are, because of them. Besides you are quite… stunning in that dress."

"Thank you Cullen. I know you mean it. It's just… I'm really not comfortable when people can see them. Even less a whole court of judgmental and scheming nobles." She chuckled but there was no mirth in her voice. She was pulling on the laces, trying to loosen them, without success. "Void!" She cursed, her fingers fumbling with a knot.

"What's wrong?"

"It's just these damn knots Vivienne made, I can't untie them!" Alexis said with an annoyed groan as she began to lose patience.

"Let me help you. Josephine and Vivienne won't be pleased if you end up tearing out the dress."

"That's an understatement! They would probably tear my eyes out."

She quickly walked up to him and turned around so he could access the laced back. He removed his gloves and set them on the nearby couch. His deft fingers, used of working every day through armor clasps and several sorts of knots holding it in place, he quickly made his way through the tied laces.

"Probably, and it would be a shame for you to ruin this dress, it looks perfect on you."

"I had no idea you had a soft spot for ladies in frilly dresses, Commander."

She was teasing him, the smile in her voice was proof enough for Cullen to be sure of that. He liked when she teased him casually, it was her way to keep flirting with him, seduce him. And he knew it would never stop to work on him. He also knew that, right now, it was her way to steer the conversation away from the unpleasant topic at hand.

"I don't. They often are most insufferable. But you, my lady, are a very… distracting sight in this dress."

"You mean more distracting than usual?"

It made him laugh and, as he was finished untying the laces, he wrapped his arms around her, fitting her body on his. Cullen wasn't wearing his armor. Though he wore it daily and the plating was a second skin to him, whenever he was alone with Alexis it felt like a very inconvenient obstacle between them. One he was glad to discard whenever it was possible. Which was quite rare, so far, and he very much intended to enjoy this moment of reprieve while it last.

Alexis relaxed against him, welcoming his embrace as her arms came to cover his. Cullen could feel the warmth radiating from her skin, her chest rising with her low and steady breathing. From all his adulthood, he could hardly recall a moment more peaceful and perfect than this one.

Aware he still hadn't answered her question, he leaned his head towards her, nuzzling her neck, inhaling her intoxicating perfume. As always she smelled like the roses and lilies of her soap, and underneath those fragrances was her own scent. Cullen couldn't figure out the words to describe it, but it reminded him of the small herb garden at his parent's house, of the first days of snow in Ferelden. She smelled like home.

"True, for me you are always distracting. No matter what you wear… or not wear." He nipped her earlobe and she let out a surprised gasp. "But this is a new kind of 'distracting'. One that I was completely oblivious about since you never wear dresses. And I have to admit that I really, really, like it."

Cullen's voice rasping close to her ear sent shivers down her spine. She closed her eyes, forgetting everything that wasn't him. She could feel his stubble scratching the sensitive skin of her throat, his lips tracing the line of her jaw, her back pressed against his chest where she could feel his heat through the fabric of his linen shirt.

"I suppose I'll keep that in mind." She said, her voice uneven, as she was affected by their closeness.

Cullen let his hand trail down her sides until they rested on her haunches, teasingly grazing the outer curve of her full breasts along the way. The bodice of the dress was making a very fine job at enhancing the pleasing curve made by her slim waist that flared out in wider and enticing hips. Her years of combat training had sculpted her body. She was less soft and round than the average circle mage. Though her body was slender and toned, she still had very feminine curves. And they had a way of capturing Cullen's gaze so he couldn't steer it away. Right now, the view he had of her breasts, rendered even more appealing than usual by the low neckline, was playing tricks on his mind.

They simply stood in silence for a moment, holding each other close, and Alexis nearly forgot about her trouble, about how uneasy she still felt when the past etched on her skin was exposed. She wished they could stay forever like this. But it was only a fool's dream, easily crushed by the weight of their duties.

"I really should get changed. I still have a lot of work today."

"Alright."

Before Cullen let her go, he brought his lips to her back and kissed the scars marring her shoulder blade. They were forming a roughly shaped 'V' crossed by a jagged line. As his lips touched her skin, he felt Alexis' whole body stiffen against him. Her reaction completely startled him. The fear that he might have done something wrong weighed in his stomach.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

Alexis could no longer hear him, words, coming from a past best forgotten, flashing in her mind. Words that had been whispered to her ear at the same time a sharp knife had cut into her flesh.

 _'_ _You will always have me with you, no matter what you do, no matter with whom you'll try to forget me, I will always be here and you will always belong to me.'_

Cullen was talking to her, trying to get a response from her, but her mind was still unable to register it. She only felt him turn her within his arms so he could look at her. The pain and anguish in his eyes is what finally made her snap back to reality.

"Alexis, what is happening? Did I do something wrong…"

His attempt to further apologize died in his throat as he saw the ghost on her face. Cullen recognized her expression only too well. The same he had when waking up after a particularly painful nightmare. The fear tightening his guts was suddenly replaced by a burning anger.

"It's 'him', isn't it?"

Alexis nodded and Cullen had to shackle himself down, to not give way to the rage boiling inside of him. This need to protect her, to keep her safe, was nearly driving him crazy. He wrapped his arms tightly around her and pressed her against his chest. He felt her stiffness wash away as she leaned against him, her arms closing at his waist, using him to anchor herself to the present.

"I pray that man will never cross my path because, Maker help me, I won't be able to restrain myself from hurting him. I may not know exactly what happened, but I know enough to want him to suffer for what he did to you."

"You won't need to refrain yourself because I'll probably beat you to it." She said with a mirthless chuckle.

"I know. And it's stupid of me to think that, you can very well take care of yourself. You don't need me for it." Cullen said with a deep sigh, leaning his forehead against hers.

Alexis was still surprised at how protective Cullen was with her, and at how her own troubles and fears affected him. It felt sometimes as if he was taking the responsibility of what had happened to her onto himself. She liked that he cared that way about her, and she liked it even more that he did so while still acknowledging her strength. He wasn't considering her like some fragile damsel in distress, he simply and genuinely cared for her, for who she was. And she cared about him, more than reason should allow.

For so long she had pushed away that part of her life, burying it deep inside her. And to this day still, it remained unspoken. She wasn't ready to confront it, not fully, but Cullen had opened the door to her heart and she could not hide its wounds forever. Not from him, not without keeping her distance. Which had been impossible to achieve. There really was only one viable option, she needed to let Cullen in, let him know, otherwise her past would always get in the way. A small voice in her head told her that she was fooling herself, that she couldn't get past what happened, and her relationship with Cullen was doomed to fail, but this time Alexis choose to ignore it.

"I can take care of myself yes. But, it never hurts to have someone else watching out for you. And I like that this person is you, Cullen. I'm sorry I reacted this way. It's been such a long time since I've let anyone I cared about be close to me and… This scar, he made it to make sure I would never forget him. That's what he said to me. I guess that somehow, he succeeded."

Alexis' words made Cullen pause: _He made it so she would always remember him_. And something clicked in his mind. Aiden Vannier, it was that sick man's name. He pulled back a little so he could have a better look at her, yet not letting her slip out of his grasp.

"Wait… The shape of your scar it makes some kind of 'V', he tried to…"

"Carved his initials yes. When I realized what he was doing, I moved. It made the jagged line across it. You see, he wasn't satisfied enough with the flogging scars. He needed to make sure he had… left his mark." She said wryly.

Cullen stood silent as the meaning of her words was settling down. His brows were knit and his eyes narrowed in controlled anger. A thousand scenarios of what he would do to that man played in his mind. Then he reminded himself that thinking about avenging her would accomplish nothing and he quelled his raging feelings. He looked up to Alexis, lifting his hand to cup her cheek. She leaned into his touch and her small yet sad smile washed away whatever was left of his ire.

"You said he succeeded. Well I won't accept that. Whatever mark he left on you, I will find a way to erase their meaning."

"Cullen, you don't have to do this. I can live with it."

He kissed her, briefly and forcefully, not even giving her the time to respond before pulling away.

"I do. Because as long as you'll have me, I won't stop trying to make you happy. And if it means fighting to prove how wrong you can be about all this, then I will do it."

It was her time to kiss him by surprise. She captured his lips, parted them with her tongue, invading his mouth before she allowed him any kind of response.

"You are a stubborn man Rutherford." She said against his lips, her voice laced with emotion.

"Yes, and I'm going to prove to you that I am right."

Grabbing her shoulders he spun her so she had her back to him. He wanted to do something, and he knew already what. But despite his stubbornness and the boldness her presence elicited in him, he also knew he was threading on thin ice while dealing with her old wounds. Their relationship was still a fledgling and fragile one. They were just slowly discovering what it meant when they were together.

"Do you trust me?" He asked softly, unsure even, waiting for her permission before doing anything.

"I do."

He kept his hands on her shoulders and bent towards her until his lips were at the nape of her neck.

"Do you believe me when I say that you are beautiful, no matter what you wear... what you do… no matter your scars. And I'm not talking only about your looks. Your strong will, how you strive to bring the best out of everyone and everything, your rebel spirit… These are the beautiful things about you." Saying so, he laid a trail of kisses down to her back until his lips were ghosting above the jagged mark.

"I believe you."

Her voice was wavering and he could feel her fight the tension trying to well up in her body. Cullen slipped one arm around her waist, silently inviting her to relax against him and, slowly, carefully, he kissed the scar on her shoulder blade. She stiffened a little but after a short moment, she surrendered her weight to his embrace and Cullen tenderly laid another kiss on her marred skin.

"I will never hurt you Alexis. And I will do everything in my power to protect you and help you." His mouth trailed up to her neck and he covered the place he had just kissed with his hand. "And I hope that the next time you think about this scar you will remember this kiss and how much I care about you."

Replacing pain by love, covering the old and haunting memory by a sweet and tender one, could it be that simple? Alexis had no certitude. She turned to face him and Cullen propped her chin up with his hand, pressing his lips to hers in a chaste and devoted kiss. She truly ignored if one day these wounds would heal, or if the man she loved could help change their meaning. Though one thing was certain, she deeply wanted him to be able to.


	38. Chapter 38

**A/N: Hi there! I'm back home and finally able to update the fic more regularly. Thank you to everyone who has faved and followed the story while I was on vacation and, as always, thank you to all of you who are still reading this story :)**

* * *

"If you're not ready I can still call it off." Alexis said to Lara, laying her hand on her friend's shoulder.

They were sitting side by side on the wall separating the lower and upper courtyard. After long and trying talks with Ian and Lara separately, Alexis had convinced them to meet. More accurately, Ian had been enthusiast about the idea, though a bit scared. And Lara had needed some assurances before grudgingly accepting, the assurances being, the right to punch him in the face.

"No. I want to do it!" She said, twisting her hands nervously.

"Alright then. You can go to Commander Cullen's office and tell him that we're ready." Trevelyan said the young lad, waiting in front of them, who was often carrying around messages between the leaders of the Inquisition.

The boy nodded and jogged towards the Commander's office, quickly disappearing from view behind the stairs. Next to her, she could feel her friend shifting uncomfortably.

"Hey, look." She said, hooking her arms underneath Lara's. "I know it's unpleasant. Believe me, I wasn't happy to see him either, but he's truly sorry for what happened. And I'm not saying you have to forgive him. The only thing I want is for the two of you to meet under good circumstances, and not… run unexpectedly into each other and set fire to the whole Skyhold."

Trevelyan nudged her friend's shoulder, smiling at her.

"Yes you're right Lex. And I know that you've asked for Ian to not be here in the last weeks to avoid that. You were right, I don't know if I would have been able to stay calm. So, thank you. You still look out for me, even now when you have a hundred more important things to do. You always looked out for me." Lara said, giving her a truthful smile

"You're my friend! Of course I still look out for you. And you would do the same for me, as you did when we were in the Circle. I wouldn't have made it through all those years without going crazy if you hadn't been there."

She leaned her head against Lara's shoulder, remembering how her friend had been the most important moral support of her life in the circle. Alexis was a rebel, stubborn and strong-headed. As they had grown from child to teenagers then to full-fledged and grown-up women, she had become a fighter and had protected Lara from the Templars. Lara, on the other hand, was her moral boost, bringing laughter and mischief. She had made the days locked behind stone walls bearable.

"Yeah, about crazy things, how is the latest foolishness of yours going?" Lara asked with a quirked brow.

"Haha. I knew you would ask. You weren't really… thrilled when I told you about it the other day."

"With good reasons! Last time I checked your taste in men tended to end poorly!"

"That's an understatement." Trevelyan said with a frown.

"My point exactly, Lex. I mean, I know he's hotter than a fade dream but he is a Templar, you know that's a dangerous combination."

" _Was_ a Templar." Trevelyan corrected. "And there really is nothing that you will say that I haven't said to myself many times. Cullen and I have been at each other's throat more than once, but it was before I had the chance to know him. He is a good man. And...he truly cares about me."

"You do know the 'was' a Templar is only a figure of speech. No Templar truly leaves the Order behind."

"It's not just a figure of speech for him. He stopped taking lyrium when he joined the Inquisition."

Lara's mouth bobbed open and she gave Alexis a wide and flabbergasted stare.

"Woah. And he's not crazy and delusional after all this time? That's…something."

"I was as shocked as you are when he told me. It's hard on him, even if he doesn't talk about it much. But he has endured it so far and I know he really wants to put some distance between his life now and the one he was leading as a Templar."

Alexis had her gaze lost in the distance. Thinking about Cullen's efforts in trying to break his lyrium addiction always worried her. She knew the risks and the ordeal he was willingly putting himself through. She was impressed by the strength of character he was showing. She also couldn't help but fear for him. Fear it would take him away from her.

She was pulled back from her reverie by Lara's mischievous grin.

"What?"

"You're in luuuuuuuve."

"Don't talk stupid."

"Ooooh I'm not. I know that look Lexi! You're in love with the Commander!" Lara said with a singsong voice.

"I'm not! Besides we've only been seeing each other for a couple of weeks!"

"Lame excuse, doesn't count! Although now that I know it's not just a quick tryst between the two of you, I will need to have 'the talk' with him."

Lara was looking awfully smug and grinning all the way to her ears, which made Trevelyan really, really, weary.

"What talk?"

"THE talk. Remember what we agreed on after your relationship went awry with that bastard?"

An old and forgotten memory suddenly came to light in Alexis' mind and her eyes widened in fear.

"No! No way! No Lara, you're not doing this!"

"Oh I very much am! It is my duty, as your friend, to vet him! And you are strictly forbidden to have your hands, or your mouth, on certain parts of him before I apply my seal of approval!"

"Andraste's fat ass…Fine! It's not as if I could prevent you from doing it. Should I try, you would jump into his office the moment I'm away from Skyhold" Alexis rolled her eyes, aware that she had lost the argument before it even started.

"Exactly! And don't forget, no wandering hands, or mouth, until I say you can! And it applies for him too!"

"Fine!" She said, throwing her arms in the air, looking exasperate.

Lara laughed and she ran a hand into Alexis' hair, replacing a few rebel locks.

"Oh don't pout like that Lex! I will behave. And if he really is as sweet as he is hot and cares about you, then you have nothing to fear! Quite the opposite. You know I want you to be happy. I just need to make sure that your bad decision making, when it comes to men, don't ruin it."

"I know. Although, given how things went between you and Ian, your speech is rather ironic!"

"Hey, I never said I had an impeccable taste, just that it's better than yours!"

They both laughed but it was soon interrupted as Cullen and Ian were approaching. Alexis felt the joyous mood of her friend falter and she held her hand.

"It's going to be alright."

"I know… It's just… now that I see him…"

"Ssh… Take a deep breath and remember that nothing wrong can happen. If you don't sort things out, it's not a problem! And you can walk away whenever you want."

As the two men were coming closer Alexis laid a kiss on Lara's temple before standing up and walking towards them. She glanced at Ian, the man had change from his Templar armor to wear only casual and neutral clothes. It was a thoughtful gesture. He was also looking very nervous.

She couldn't help but take note of the differences and the similarities between the two men in front of her. There was no mistaking Cullen for something other than Fereldan. Tall, built to wear armor, pale skin and striking blond hair, he was a living embodiment of that nation's finest. Ian, on the other hand, spoke of mixed origins, as it often was the case with Marchers. His hair was a chestnut brown and his skin was lightly tanned. He was shorter than Cullen and seemed to have grown into the status of warrior, meanwhile, for the Commander, it felt like second nature. The years separating the two men could also well explain that difference. Ian was around Alexis' age, half a decade of experience was separating them. And Cullen had had more experience in the last years than most of the Templars usually went through in their entire life. Yet, both of them had a warmth about them, a discreet kindness. It wasn't always present on their features, you couldn't always see it but if you knew how to look, it was there.

"She is waiting for you." Alexis said to Ian the moment she reached them.

The young man gave her a small and nervous bow of his head and walked towards Lara. Trevelyan watched as he approached her, his shoulders a little slouched and a sheepish smile on his face. Lara stood up, smoothing her robe with her hands. She was nervous too, though her expression was cold and defiant. With her fiery red hair framing her face and her bright green eyes narrowed, she was a beautiful and scary sight.

"You didn't forget to warn him, did you?" Alexis asked to Cullen.

"No. Don't worry. He even said he was expecting something like that to happen."

Cullen had barely finished saying those words when they saw, and heard, Lara slapping Ian across the face.

"Ouch! That's going to leave a mark. I know someone who will have a hard time at the barracks later." Cullen said, crossing his arms.

"Yeah, just a bunch of gossips your soldiers!" She chuckled. "Although, Lara went soft on him. I was expecting a good old punch and a nose bleed."

After the rather loud slap, the two former lovers were now talking. There was still a heavy tension about them and Alexis decided to wait just a while longer before leaving them.

"Do you think they can make it?"

"Honestly? I don't know. Lara spent years with that grudge buried inside her. But who knows? A miracle can always happen."

Cullen looked sideways at Alexis. Her being alive after everything she went through at the Conclave and at Haven, him being the lucky man receiving her affection, it was proof that miracle existed. He felt tempted to steal a brief kiss from her, or simply take her hand. Make a simple gesture to show that he cared. He refrained himself. Despite a shared desire to be close, they were careful with their display of affections in public area.

His gaze went back to Ian and Lara. The strain on the young woman's face seemed to have dimmed a little. It was good sign. A part of him, both hopelessly romantic and long forgotten, hoped that the two of them would work things out and reconnect. He knew Alexis had asked Leliana to search for their child and they were still waiting for news. What a happy ending to a dire tragedy that would be, should they find him? That boy could become the first child outside Tevinter to grow up with his mage parent without him being an apostate.

The future of the mages in southern Thedas was still unsure, as long as the sunburst throne was vacant. No decision regarding the Circles would be taken without a new divine. But the Inquisition would continue to stand and shelter the mages who wished to remain and serve it. And Lara would most certainly be among them.

"I believe it is safe to leave them now." Cullen said as the couple sat on the wall, the tension nearly erased.

"It went better than I thought." Trevelyan said, sounding genuinely surprised

"Walk with me?" He asked glancing at her, smiling.

"Sure."

They walked side by side in silence. Led by Cullen they went to the battlements, heading towards his office. The day was warm and shiny, they were alone and it reminded Trevelyan of a very special day where the two of them had stood not so far from there.

"The day you kissed me on the battlements, how long had you wanted to do that?"

Her question, although taking him by surprise, made Cullen laugh.

"Longer than I should admit." He couldn't help the loving smile that crept to his lips.

"You know. Until that moment, I was still scared you wouldn't want anything to happen between us, either because I'm a mage or because I'm the Inquisitor. I could almost hear you recite all the right reasons that nothing should happen. Given your lack of patience for nobility, I even thought my title would scare you off."

"I hadn't considered… I have no title outside the Inquisition. I hope that doesn't… I mean, does it… bother you?"

He came to a halt and turn to face her, his hand coming to rub nervously at the back of his neck. Of course he knew she was noble, but he had never really considered anything more about this gap between their situations. Not since they had acknowledge their feelings for each other.

"Of course not! Do you… think it could have bothered me?" She asked, suddenly realizing that what she meant as a joke had unsettled him.

"I don't know. I thought perhaps… I'm overthinking this." He said with a sigh.

"Well, stop. There's no need. If you care for me, that's all that matters." Alexis smiled, taking his hand in her own, slowly running her thumb on his knuckles.

"I care for you, more than you can imagine."

"I believe I can imagine." Was her response as she closed the distance between them and laid a small kiss on his lips. "Besides, what can a mage do with a title of nobility? We are still outcasts." She said with a smile and a dismissing shrug of her shoulders.

"I know the future of the mages is still unsure. But yours is no longer tied to what the Chantry decides. Surely your family realizes that. And I'm not sure they would be thrilled to know we are together."

Cullen said while looking down, uneasy, and she laid her left hand on his cheeks inviting him to meet her gaze. He could feel the soft leather of her fingerless gloves against his skin, the tip of her fingers scratching his stubble. He knew her mark could make people uncomfortable. That's why she kept it hidden, but he didn't mind. He craved her touch, magical mark or not.

"Hey, Cullen, I really wasn't trying to put you on the spot when I talked about my title. I couldn't care less what my family thinks about how I chose to live my life. What matters and what truly is important, is that I want you in it. And I want us to be together."

"You're right. And I want the same thing." He covered her hand with his own and laid a kiss on her palm.

"Although, I should warn you, there is one opinion that matters, if I don't want my head to be chopped off." Alexis said with an amused smile as they parted.

"Which is it?" Cullen quirked a brow, a puzzled expression on his face.

"Lara's. Few years ago I might have agreed that she should… give her approval before I pursue any romantic entanglements. So you should be prepared to face some kind of interrogation."

"Should I be worried that she might try to chop my head off?" He continued with the same expression.

"Don't be silly. I'm sure she will like you! She just doesn't know you and, to be fair, I did make a couple of bad decisions regarding men."

She managed to sound light, covering up her emotions. One of those bad decisions was still a burning memory etched in her mind by the same man that had left his mark on her skin. Though she wasn't ready to talk about it.

"Bad decisions regarding men? Should I be worried?"

"No. Nothing in my life can come close to what is happening now. And I mean it in a good way."

"Well, I suppose I just have to pass your friend's test then."

"I'm sure you will. You just have to be yourself!" Alexis said wrapping her arms around Cullen's neck.

"I'm not sure that always served me right with women." He responded with a sheepish grin.

"It served you right with me." She leaned towards him, her lips ghosting over his.

Cullen slid his arms around her waist and he pulled her to him, her lips coming to crash against his. Alexis moaned in surprise and molded against him as he was deepening their kiss. He had to admit, being with her did make it up for all the times his awkward charm and shyness failed him. And even the times it succeeded were pale memories compared to the briefest touch, the mere kiss of the woman he was holding in his arms.


	39. Chapter 39

**A/N : Hello everyone! Here comes this week's update. Hope you will enjoy it :)  
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The Winter Palace was as beautiful as it was dreadful, thanks to the gathering of the whole Orlesian court and their love for intrigue and political back-stabbing. For Trevelyan this mission was a nice change of decorum from her usual expeditions in the wilds, but there was no mistaking these nobles for anything other than a dangerous threat. The enemies she was facing now were just wearing nicer outfits and instead of knives, would use words against her.

They had all been officially introduced to the court in the ball room and Trevelyan had wandered through the place discreetly, gathering information whenever she could eavesdrop. The only interesting thing she had gained so far was the presence of this advisor to Empress Celene on matters of the arcane. It sounded strange enough to pass on immediately the information to Leliana. The two women quickly agreed that it was worth investigating.

"Is it always like that?" she asked the spymaster.

"Close enough. The peace talks are making every political action more important tonight. We must be very careful. The Game will be particularly deadly tonight."

"Good to know. Well at least, if we get to the back stabbing, the blood won't be too visible on the red of our outfits. It compensates for the fact that it suits me like a punch in the face." She said with a chuckle.

"Red does suits you better when it's hanging around your shoulders and worn by a certain Commander."

Leliana had an air of mischief about her, along with a perfectly discreet grin she hid behind her glass of wine.

"I was wondering when that might come up."

"Only because it's out of necessity. Your relationship with Commander Cullen is none of my concerns as long as it doesn't affect the Inquisition. If anything, I find the two of you very sweet together. But for tonight, you two need to be extremely discreet. Gossip, especially when it involves romantic feelings, is a national pride in Orlais. A blush, the slightest touch of hands, an enamored look, here it is enough to spark an unstoppable flaming trail of speculations."

"I'll keep that in mind. And yes, it seems they do very much like to know who is bedding who. I mean, where else in Thedas do you officially introduce someone by saying of whom she is the mistress?"

Trevelyan was still stunned by how Vivienne had been introduced: Madame Vivienne, First Enchanter of the Circle of Magi, Enchanter of the Imperial Court, mistress of the Duke of Ghislain. Really, that was something important here? Her incomprehension of the Orlesian love for such frivolities seemed to amuse Leliana.

"As I said, they do love their gossip. Any acknowledgeable connection here has its value. And, as I am sure you wouldn't want for Cullen to have 'paramour of Lady Trevelyan' added to his title the next time, do keep my warning in mind."

"I will most certainly do. By the way, where is he? I have seen Josephine and her sister but not him."

"Oh, as I implied, red does look very good on our ravishing Commander."

And with a charming smile Leliana glanced sideways. Alexis followed her gaze and found Cullen surrounded by a rather large group of nobles. She gave the spymaster a knowing look and ambled towards the nobles laying siege to the Commander.

Leliana was right about the ravishing part. If the Inquisition's formal outfit wasn't the most flattering clothing for Alexis, it certainly was for Cullen. The thigh high leather boots, the jacket emphasizing his broad shoulders, and hinting at how perfectly shaped his body was, no wonder he had gathered attention.

"Smile, Commander! You're so handsome when you smile!"

"He's just as handsome when he doesn't." Cullen mumbled, annoyed, between greeted teeth.

Alexis had to bite the inside of her cheeks to refrain herself from smirking too much and she cleared her throat in order to gather attention. Seeing her, Cullen quickly excused himself and walked to her.

"Inquisitor! Did you need something?" He asked very professionally. "Please say yes." He added in a whisper.

"Feeling a bit cornered by these nobles, Commander?"

"I don't even know who they are, but they won't leave me alone."

"Not enjoying the attention, then?" Alexis said razzing him a little.

"Hardly. Anyway, yours…yours is the only attention worth having." Cullen's voice dropped mid-sentence as he caught himself before anyone beside Alexis could hear him.

"We both know we need to be very careful this evening but, you could always save a dance for me?"

"No, thank you." He said, rather abruptly.

"Oh. Alright."

She was taken aback by Cullen's reaction. She had asked him half as a joke and half genuinely, knowing it probably would be the only way for them to have some time together this evening. Her disappointment at his brisk answer must have shown on her face because Cullen quickly explained himself.

"No! I didn't mean to… Maker's breath! I've answered that question so many times I'm rejecting it automatically. I'm not one for dancing. The Templars never attended balls."

"It's fine, don't worry. Anyway I should go. There is much to do this evening and, unluckily, saving you from your admirers is far down the list of priorities."

"Of course. I'll be here if you need me."

Alexis gave him one last friendly, and only friendly, smile and left. Cullen glanced a few times in her direction as she moved through the crowd to exit the ball room. Was she upset by his refusal? Or was she just better than him at hiding her true feelings in this situation? He truly had no idea and it bothered him. Letting out a deep sigh he grudgingly went back to the nobles circling him like vultures. This was going to be a very long night.

* * *

"So you know Morrigan?"

Trevelyan had just encountered the strange woman and was reporting her discoveries to Leliana before venturing into the servant's quarters. She also needed to be seen attending the ball, make a good impression. She couldn't disappear from sight for too long at a time.

"Yes. We traveled together with the Hero of Ferelden. She disappeared after the battle that ended the Blight. I know Elissa, the queen, went looking for her nearly a year later. That's the last time I ever heard talks about her."

"Old friend of the queen of Ferelden and now advisor to empress Celene? That's quite the record for an apostate, especially without her story spreading." Alexis said, impressed by how this strange woman had led her life.

"Morrigan was never in danger from the Chantry. She is careful, and powerful. I doubt any templar would have been smart enough to capture her."

Alexis was reflecting on what Leliana just said to her, sipping at her first glass of wine of the evening, observing the crowd. And that's when a very outraged Cullen, who was standing not far from them, still surrounded by quite a following, said:

"Did you just…grab my bottom?" which was followed by a man stating rather smugly 'I'm a weak man!'

Alexis snorted, trying her best not to spit her wine, unable to suppress her laughter. She gave Leliana a glance. The spymaster was most certainly as entertained as she was, though she seemed less surprised.

"You should have heard the compliments about his eyes or his hair. It hasn't stopped!"

"Perhaps I should lend a hand and drag him away from them." Alexis said, giving Cullen a discreet glance above her shoulder.

"Don't worry Inquisitor. The Commander may not be a very good at playing the great Game, but right now he doesn't need to. Despite the situation not being to his liking, he is doing a fine job tonight just standing there."

"Using a handsome man as bait? You are evil Leliana. "

Alexis had a smile on her face. Despite feeling a little bad for leaving Cullen in this situation, she had to admit he was playing his role rather efficiently. There could never be enough distracted nobles around to allow them to act discreetly. Right now, Cullen was perfect to draw the attention.

"Are you married, Commander?"

She hadn't paid attention to whatever conversation Cullen was still forced to endure, but the words 'married' next to 'Commander' catch her ear and she couldn't help but listen.

"Not yet, but I am… already taken."

'Yet' ?That made her raise an eyebrow. Bah, just a figure of speech she said to herself. Cullen clearly couldn't be thinking about it and she dismissed the thought.

"Still single, then…"

Orlesians… What was 'taken' supposed to mean if not 'not single'? It made her laugh inwardly. How could they be so obnoxious? Poor Cullen, given that his 'already taken' was all he could do to try to fend off his admirers, she felt she was leaving him alone in a viper's nest.

* * *

Cullen had watched the dreadful evening unfold before his eyes, feeling powerless in more ways than one. He was glad that it was finally over. He observed, alongside Josephine and Leliana, as the Inquisitor made a public speech bringing down Grand Duchess Florianne de Chalons. He rarely attended the meetings with the nobles who came to Skyhold, he even avoided them as best he could. Although he knew Trevelyan was skilled with words when needed be, before this moment, he had no real idea how cunning and shrewd she could be. Not that he ever doubt it, but it was a whole other thing to actually see it in action.

With the assassination thwarted and Celene's announce that the civil war had come to an end, everyone was rejoicing. A positive side effect for Cullen was that he was finally free of any unwanted attention. Indeed, every noble was now focused on either drinking or taking advantage of the new political situation in the empire. But a lot of this attention turned to the Inquisitor, and for the last couple of hours she was forced to endure their talks and their attempt at gaining a favor from her.

Cullen finally had enough of this situation. He had spent the whole evening worrying for Alexis and yet unable to even tell her, all for the sake of the Game. He wanted to see her, talk to her, make sure she was okay. Selfishly, he wanted to claim some of her attention for himself.

He found her on a balcony speaking with that mage, Celene's advisor. He hadn't paid attention to her before but now that he did, something about her jogged his memory. Kinloch Hold, she was there with Elissa Cousland when they found him trapped in this magical prison. The conversation between her and Trevelyan came to an end and she ambled gracefully towards the ball room. She gave Cullen a discreet glance as she walked past him and his gaze followed her for a second. Had she recognized the young Templar who had strongly asked the Hero of Ferelden to slay the mages of the tower?

He quickly pushed back the thoughts about the Circle. It was never an easy task, but the sight of Alexis, leaning against the railing somehow helped him to stay in the present.

"There you are! Everyone's been looking for you. Things have calmed down for the moment. Are you all right?"

Cullen came to lean on the railing next to her, smiling warmly and affectionately to her. They were finally alone and away from prying eyes, and even if it wasn't the case, the Game be damned, he wasn't going to hide his feelings any longer.

"I'm just worn out. Tonight has been… very long." She said with a weary voice.

"For all of us. I'm glad it's over. I know it's foolish, but I was worried for you tonight."

He laid his hand on her shoulder and Alexis covered it with her own, lacing their fingers together. She was gazing absent-mindedly at the landscape, silent and lost in her thoughts. He wanted to steer her away from what seemed to be troubling her. Hearing the music a very silly idea crossed his mind.

"I may never have another chance like this, so I must ask." Alexis watched him as he bowed to her, offering his hand. "May I have this dance, my Lady?"

"Of course. I thought you didn't dance?" She said as she placed her hand in his, smiling.

"For you, I'll try."

Alexis came to stand between his arms and he laid his free hand on her waist while her own came to rest on his shoulder. They became to move in rhythm with the music and Cullen hoped he wouldn't step on her feet… too much. He felt clumsy and inadequate, trying his best at repeating how these nobles in the ball room moved. He must be failing at it because a laugh escaped Alexis' lips.

"Relax Cullen. There is no life or death situation here."

"Are you certain about it? Orlesians seems pretty serious about their dancing."

"Don't worry, nobody will see how you are murdering this waltz." She said with a grin.

"You're not making me more comfortable here, Trevelyan."

"I am just razzing you, Rutherford. Here, I'll show you. Let me lead, and try not to be so stiff."

Cullen let her took the matter in her own hands and she led him through the next series of steps. With someone to explain him how it was supposed to work it didn't seem so impossible to achieve. He became slowly more at ease with the basics of this dance, and Alexis surrendered the lead to him.

She was a skilled dancer, moving gracefully. Cullen caught himself thinking what it would be like to dance with her wearing the green dress he had seen her into the other day. The fabric would twirl around her legs as they moved in unison and her natural elegance and beauty would eclipse all these pampered nobles. This time, they wouldn't be away on a secluded balcony but in the middle of the ball room and all eyes would be on them. This time Cullen wouldn't hide his feelings for the sake of the Game and he would take pride in showing to everyone that she was the only one worthy of his attention.

"Enjoying yourself, Commander? I haven't seen a smile from you like that during the whole evening."

"Actually, I believe I am. Mostly thanks to the company."

"Oh? But I seem to recall you had quite the company tonight." She said with a wicked smile.

"You mean those demons and horrors wrapped in fine silk? I would hardly call that company!"

"Oh but they sure enjoyed yours!" Alexis was still smirking, holding back a laugh.

"And it looks like you enjoyed the torture they put me through." He said, quirking a brow at her.

"Well, the thought of coming to your rescue did cross my mind, but you know, with the Game… there really was nothing I could do. Besides I knew you could endure this dire moment."

She was making fun of him, that much was sure. He narrowed his eyes at her, thinking of the right way to have some kind of payback. The hand he had on her hip came to the small of her back and he pushed her against him, slowing the pace of their dance.

"Well, maybe next time I'll find some drastic way to fend off these annoying nobles. And to the void with the Game."

Cullen leaned to kiss her, no longer caring if anyone could see them or if such a display of his affection for the Inquisitor was highly inappropriate. She must have shared his thoughts, because she beat him to it and her lips came crashing against his, craving for his attention. A desire mirrored by his own and that he eagerly fulfilled.

If someone had one day told him he would find himself at a ball held by the empress, and that, above all fine wines and liquors, the more appealing and sweetest morsel he could taste would be the lips of the woman he loved, he would never have believed it.


	40. Chapter 40

**A/N : Hello there! Thank you to everyone who has faved and followed the story in the last days and, for the others, as always, thank you for keeping up with the story :) And also a very special and huge thank you to my super beta-reader AdventurousDreamer, this chapter wouldn't have been the same without your help! (By the way, if you haven't stumble upon her new fic about Cullen and Trevelyan yet, you should try it, it's called In Another World)**

* * *

The doors of his office were all open, allowing in the warm air that often swept through Skyhold in the middle of the day. He wasn't expecting anyone and his soldiers would just pass through in relative silence, so when he heard a knock, he immediately looked up from the pile of reports on his desk.

"Sorry to disturb you Commander. But I thought at lunch time I would find you less busy than you usually are."

"You're not disturbing me, Lara. Please come in."

He gestured toward the chair in front of his desk and the young woman took place in it. She was wearing a simple mage robe, and her long wavy red hair was gathered into a loose bun. She was very feminine, with round curves and a soft face. Her eyes spoke of cunning intelligence and though she didn't seem menacing, Cullen knew she most certainly could prove dangerous wielding her magic.

"I'm sure Lex told you I wanted to speak with you?"

"She mentioned it, yes. Though she was rather evasive as to why, something about you being concerned about her choices?"

She was standing straight in her chair, eying him very carefully and Cullen could feel she was gauging him, discreetly sizing him up.

"I'll be blunt." She said on a polite and measured tone. "Lex is my friend. More than that she is the closest thing to family I have left. And I clearly can't do anything for her when she is out there doing whatever the Inquisition needs of her. But there is one thing I can do, here, and it's looking out for her. That means making sure you won't hurt her."

That sure was a blunt way to say things, though it didn't bother Cullen. He much preferred dealing with someone who spoke one's mind directly rather than facing a tiresome talk where people danced around the subject for hours before getting to the point.

"I don't know precisely what bad experience happened to Alexis during her time in the Circle that made you want to look out for her like that. But I will _never_ hurt her intentionally."

"So, does this mean you are serious about your relationship?"

"What?"

That was perhaps a little too blunt and unexpected for Cullen and he opened wide astonished eyes, unable to prevent a light flush.

"Alexis clearly has strong feelings for you. Therefore I believe she doesn't consider you just as a fling. And she has suffered enough because of men who believed her disposable, gave her no value, or saw her as a thing they could possess. So, are you serious about her?"

"No! I mean yes!" He responded quickly, nearly stammering. Seeing how Lara was raising an eyebrow at him he sighed, his hand rubbing nervously at the back of his head. "No, I would never see her as disposable. She is a remarkable woman and I respect her as much as I… care for her."

Cullen took the time to choose his words. He didn't want to say too much in front of someone he barely knew, even if this person was Trevelyan's friend and had her best interests in mind. Though he wanted to be honest with Lara, he surely wasn't going to change himself into an open book. Furthermore, he and Alexis still hadn't truly talked about their feelings for each other. Nothing more than the words 'I care for you' had been spoken between them and whenever they approached the subject both of them were cautious. Afraid of, perhaps, pressuring the other.

"I'm sure you are aware that any… kind of relationship between a Templar and a mage is complicated, or even strictly forbidden."

She was baiting him. That much was certain for Cullen. She was trying to make him talk about his views on mages and Templars, share his thoughts about the rules of the chantry and the Circles.

"The inquisition isn't a Circle and I no longer am a Templar. Even outside the Inquisition, any regulation keeping mages and Templars apart lost its meaning when they both broke ties with the Chantry. The rules against fraternization can hardly apply now."

"True enough. But it doesn't mean you'll do right by Lex, neither that you will consider her just like any other person, because she has powers."

"I don't and never will consider Alexis like any other person, but not because of her powers, but because she is different. Different from anyone I've met before, mage or not. And, may I point out that you stress the importance of being treated as a person and not only as a mage, when you seem to have the hardest time considering me as anything but a Templar." Cullen said with a small smirk.

"You make a fair point, Commander." Lara answered on an apologetic tone, realizing she'd just been caught at her own game. This man was proving to be more cunning and observant than she had pictured him. "And Alexis did tell me you were quite adamant about distancing yourself from your past life as a Templar."

"There was a time where I strongly believed in the Templar order's ideals. And I suppose I still believe in them, protecting those in need…" Cullen said with a sigh. "It's a shame its members have dragged those ideals into the gutter, twisted their meaning. I haven't always been the perfect and ideal Templar I wished I was. I won't lie about that. You surely must know I was the Knight-Captain in Kirkwall under Meredith Stannard's command. Many wrong things happened there. And if I never treated a mage unfairly, I should have realized sooner the madness of the situation. I did what I could to right those wrongs. In the end, when I saw what was happening, heard the news coming from the White Spire, I knew I couldn't be a part of that. And I'm sure you realize why I would want to distance myself from that life."

Cullen's deep and piercing amber eyes settled on her and Lara needn't any other words from him to understand how a man of honor and ideals like him would be horrified by how his former brothers in arms were acting. She was slowly beginning to understand what Alexis saw in him, why she could be so enthralled by him. Sure, he was good looking, but that wasn't what made him stand out from other men. It was his natural charm, his aura of confidence as well as the way he could be shy and uncomfortable around certain subjects. It was the life in his eyes and the warmth of his discreet smile. It was the loyalty he inspired and his honesty. Yes, Lara could totally understand why her friend was falling in love with this man.

She wasn't finished with her questions though. If anything, what she was learning about the Commander was only raising more interrogation.

"Aren't you afraid that your respective positions, as the Commander of the inquisition's army, and as the inquisitor, will be a problem? Will be seen as some kind of fraternization, or will lead people to believe that you won't be able to do your duty due to your relationship?"

"We are aware of how it might look like on the outside and we have been cautious whenever we are in public. And I believe that our victory at the Winter Palace is proof enough that everything within the Inquisition's leadership functions normally and that both mine and the Inquisitor's judgments haven't been impaired." Cullen said, a little on the defensive.

Lara had just hit a sore spot. Was he afraid of what others people might think? Of course not, he couldn't care less. Was he trespassing some kind of rules, somehow disturbing the hierarchy he was in? Perhaps a bit, and that sometimes nagged at him, though never for long. Was he afraid his feelings would someday get in the way? Would he be able to do what was necessary, to perform his duty knowing it meant sending Alexis into the fray? Cullen couldn't help but tremble at that very thought.

"I wasn't implying that Commander. Merely pointing out what others people could think. I know the two of you are keeping things on the down low. But people have noticed how you spent more time together during the last month, how you, commander, are more prompt to smile, or are in a better mood whenever the Inquisitor is around. There have been gossips. People are either too scared or too loyal to you to say anything about it. If it makes you feel any better, in Skyhold, every person I've heard talking about you and Lex were rather positive about it. Your soldiers, especially, are… pleased to know that their general isn't as uptight as he seemed." Lara said with a wicked grin.

"Maker's breath." Cullen's hand came to his forehead, a look of exasperation on his face.

He clearly could have gone through the rest of the day without knowing what his men were thinking when gossiping about him. His reaction seemed to amuse Lara as she couldn't help a small smile.

"I believe there is nothing to be worried about the people here. No, the problem will come from outside the Inquisition. You and Lex just need to be ready to face it because, you won't be able to keep your relationship hidden forever. For now it's only gossips in Skyhold, but at some point, some thing, will bring your relationship to the light of day. And then it won't be only soldier's gossips you'll face, but those of the people of Thedas, many whom have their eyes on the Inquisition."

Cullen raised an eyebrow at Lara's words. It sounded strange to hear someone else talk about him being in a relationship. Never in his life had he considered himself in a couple. Yet, he was serious about his relation with Trevelyan, so perhaps it's what they were now, or what they would become one day. He had to admit he liked the thought.

"I suppose we'll deal with those when the time comes. It's not like I have made any plans. With the war and our duties, it's hard to predict what will come next."

"Of course." Lara said with a nod. "There is one last thing I'm wondering."

"Yes?"

"You know you are an attractive man."

"Hum… It's not something I really considered. I mean… I know I'm not repelling but I never quite…hum." And here was the uneasiness again. Why did questions so stupid could send him immediately stammering? "I've never been the type to… attract many women. So I guess I never thought about it."

Cullen finally managed to say. Though, while saying it he couldn't help but remember the Winter Palace and the horde of nobles who had spent the evening complimenting him, shamelessly flirting with him. Thinking about it, it was the first time something like that happened to him and he wondered what could have changed about him to elicit such interest. Too shy, too awkward, too dedicated to his training, that's how he was seeing himself back as a teenager. Too angry, too scared, those were the words most fitting for the better part of his time in Kirkwall. So what had changed since? He had become a true leader, a seasoned warrior. He had gained assurance and confidence and inspired loyalty to the men under his command. He also had gained a scar on his face. In logic, it shouldn't make him more appealing, rather the opposite. So why people seemed to take more interest in him now? Though, remembering how Alexis liked to kiss this particular scar, perhaps it added to his charm.

"Seeing how you are attracting women, and men, I find it hard to believe. You must have had lovers in the past?"

The question was asked on an innocent tone, hiding how tricky it truly was.

"I did. Though, fewer that you are probably picturing." Cullen answered with a chuckle. "I never was very at ease with women."

"A handsome young Templar like you? I find it hard to believe you never met someone in the circle." Lara teased.

"I may have harbored some youthful infatuation for a mage once. But I never pursued anything with one of my charges. Yes I have been with other women before, and I always treated them with respect. All of which are of no concern in the present… and that's all you get to know about my past dalliances."

Cullen closed the topic politely and definitely. He hadn't really thought about the women who had been in his life in a long time, and it wasn't something he felt comfortable sharing. In truth, he never felt comfortable when the subject was women and somehow it's like they could feel his discomfort and take pleasure in embarrassing him.

Lara was reminding him a bit of that young mage he once had feelings for. Very womanly, very feminine, blunt and a bit mischievous, she had a knack for turning him into a blushing and stuttering mess.

Actually there was nothing much to say about his past relations. A few one night stands with women he met in Kirkwall, one was a Templar, purely physical things, no emotions involved. There was that girl he rescued after the destruction of the chantry. She was sweet and she often came to see him, shared his bed. It was nice and comforting. It lasted a few weeks, until she and her family left Kirkwall. And that settled the matter of his past liaisons.

Or so it was how Cullen wished to think. He couldn't let himself think about the only woman that truly had meant something to him. Too many bad memories were now linked with her image, her name, too many nightmares. Yet, somehow, this discussion with Lara, her questions, brought her to his mind.

Annlise. She was his first. He had loved her in this strange and stupid way you love the first person you share meaningful moments with and sleep with. They were following Templar training together, were friends until it evolved into something more. They both lost their virginity together, it was awkward clumsy and imperfect. They became Templars the same day and when it was decided that they both would serve in Kinloch Hold, it brought their relation to an end. Fraternization within the ranks wasn't allowed. As much as he, Annlise wanted to serve and be an exemplary Templar. And so, they followed the rules. They remained friends.

He saw her die. She was with him when they faced Uldred. Cullen watched her be killed in front of his eyes, powerless, trapped in that prison conjured by the blood mage. He would never forget that moment, never forget the death of his first love and his dearest friend.

The course of the years had dimmed the pain and the feelings he had for her where those of a boy, barely a man, but thinking about her, about how she died, it probably would always cause a flick of pain in his heart.

"It wasn't my intention to pry. Well perhaps a little. You'll pardon my curiosity. Though you should really blame Lex about that, she speaks a lot about you lately."

Lara's joyous voice brought him out of the haze of his thoughts and the glint of amusement in the mage's green eyes brought a discreet grin to his lips. Cullen was beginning to understand what Alexis meant by saying that Lara had been a moral support during their years in the circle.

"She speaks about me?" Cullen asked with a puzzled expression.

"Oh yes. And I'm beginning to think that she is right about you after all. A nice man and hotter than a fade dream. But don't get me wrong, even if I approve for now doesn't mean I won't come back for a less polite chat if you do wrong by her." Lara said, sounding very serious, in spite of the playfulness lingering in her eyes.

"I wo… wait, what?"

Something about what Lara just told him made his mind double back. Had she just really said that? And was it really what Alexis had told her friend about him?

"You really are oblivious of all the attention you draw, aren't you Commander?"

"The attention I draw? Wait no, I'm not sure I want to know about that."

"Oh you don't need me to tell you. You really just need to pay a little attention." She said with a smile. "Well I have taken enough of your time. I know how precious it is. Just…" She stood up. "One last thing." She added.

"Yes?"

"I am no fighter like you and her, I could never protect her from harm like she did for me. But you can. You will take care of her for me? Keep her safe?"

She sounded worried, remorseful even. As if she felt guilty of something. Guilty for the times Alexis had jump to her defense and taken the blow for her?

"As much as I wish I could be with her on the field, my place is here. But she has our best people with her, at her back. And I can assure you that I do everything in my power to make sure she comes home safe to us."

As Cullen looked intently at her, something passed between them, an understanding, the knowledge that they both truly cared for her. As Lara walked out the door Cullen smiled inwardly. It seemed like he passed the test of the best friend after all.

A couple of hours later it was Alexis' turn to show up. She walked in his office, almost dragging her feet, and let herself fall into the seat in front of his desk, sighing deeply.

"I hate bureaucrats, and clerics." She said, closing her eyes for a moment.

"What's wrong?" Cullen asked casually, as they were alone for now, lifting his gaze from his paperwork.

"Apparently they can't agree on who is going to be the next divine and they are insisting, rather painfully I might add, that I send both Cassandra and Leliana to Val Royeaux. Right hand and Left hand of the divine blabla… need them… too dumb to choose on their own blabla…"

Cullen couldn't refrain the smile that came to his lips. He found her rather adorable when she was all grumpy like that.

"And I suppose they wouldn't take no for an answer when you said that they were both vital to the Inquisition."

"Exactly! Apparently an ancient darkspawn threatening to tear Thedas apart with the Breach is a lesser threat than having no butt on the Sunburst Throne!" Alexis said while throwing her arms into the air.

Cullen let out a heartfelt laugh. Alexis' natural demeanor often tended to have that effect on him. The way she could curse and paint rather colorful descriptions of their situations, like she was doing now, her sense of humor, it was all very endearing to him.

"You know, it still surprises me how perfectly well-mannered you remain when dealing with nobles, or clerics. They truly have no idea how much they exasperate you in reality."

"And it's clearly better that way! Otherwise Josephine would probably have my head on a spike by the end of the day." She said with a smile. "And at least now I have you to listen to my rambling and complaints."

"Anytime." He answered, unable to steer his gaze away from Trevelyan, nor to help the loving smile that turned his lips upwards.

"Enough about my crappy day, how was yours?"

"Good, so far. Lara came to speak with me."

"Oh! How did it go? I barely had the time to see her since we came back from Halamshiral, I had no idea she was planning on coming to see you today."

"Well, she did. And I believe it went great. She is a true friend, if a bit nosy, you're lucky to have her."

"Haha, that she is. But you know, gossips often were the only entertainment we could have in the circle. Anyway, I'm glad it went well. Though I wasn't really worried about it." Alexis said with a small grin. "And yes, she is a great friend. Now I just hope I'll be able to give her some good news about her son. Leliana is still waiting to receive words from her agents." She added with a worried sigh.

"If anyone can find him, it's Leliana." Cullen reassured her.

"Yes you're right. I know you are. Well, I should go. I still need to finish that report about the events at the Winter Palace. As dreadful as it sounds." She got up and, knowing someone could barge into his office at any time, she simply said: "See you later, Commander."

Act professional, those were there rules, their own rules. They both knew it. But, this time, it felt like he couldn't support to see her just walk away like that. They barely had a moment for themselves since their stolen kiss on the balcony of the Winter Palace. Glancing outside, making sure no one was coming, Cullen quickly circling his desk. He closed the distance between them and grabbed her arm.

"Wait!"

Alexis turned around as Cullen drew her closer against him. She had to admit she was surprised to see Cullen act like that, but she hardly complained about it. She missed him, missed being close to him. Being forced to keep a distance and act normal, as if nothing was happening between them, was an everyday struggle.

"Yes?"

"I just wanted to…"He sighed, tightening his embrace around her. "Maker's breath it's hard. Harder than I thought."

"For me too." She said, fitting her body against his. "Maybe we could, find a way to spend some time together. You could join me in my quarters for dinner?"

"I'm afraid I can't. Briefing with the senior officers tonight and I, too, still have some paperwork related to our last mission." Alexis sighed, not hiding her frustration. "What about breakfast, tomorrow morning?" He added.

"That would be nice." She said, a smile finding its way on her lips.

"Great. I'll stop by the kitchen on my way."

"Sounds good! But don't be late, otherwise you'll increase the chances you'll get snatched by whatever duty the inquisition needs from you."

"I won't. Wouldn't miss it."

Cullen brought his hand to her cheek, gently cupping it, and he kissed her, softly, almost reverently. She answered with the same tenderness and for a few seconds they forgot about their burden. Even if, soon, this brief reprieve ended and the Inquisitor walked out the door as the Commander went back to his desk. Yet, the promise of a true moment of peace they could share together in the morning brought bright smiles to their faces.


	41. Chapter 41

**A/N: Hi everyone and thanks for reading! Here comes this week's update. I hope you will like it! First chapter with some light smut in it, you are warned ;)  
**

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"Well, the Emerald graves it is! Leliana, send words to our scouts there, I'll want an update of the situation the moment I arrive. Commander, I trust you'll have everything ready by tomorrow morning."

"Yes Inquisitor. Scout Harding will be waiting for you." Leliana answered.

"Of course Inquisitor, I'll make sure of it." Was Cullen's response.

"In the meantime we need to gather information on the Western Approach. Locate this ritual tower warden Stroud told us about, and have one of our best agents keep a look on it."

"I'll send word immediately." Leliana said with a nod.

"Good. Is there something else that we need to discuss before I leave tomorrow?" Trevelyan asked, her gaze passing on each of her advisors.

"There is another matter, it concerns the Commander."

Josephine said, her mouth turning upwards into a cunning smile as she looked sideways at Cullen. Trevelyan couldn't help but think that, whatever it was, he wouldn't be pleased. That smile on the ambassador's lips wasn't a good sign.

"I have requests for information on your lineage from a few _interested_ parties at the Winter Palace." She said on a tone sweet as honey.

"Andraste preserve me! Feel free to use those request as kindling!" Cullen responded, not even trying to hide his annoyance.

"No! I shall take them." Leliana said, joining in. "I want to know who pines for our commander. We can use this to our advantage."

 _Oh this is going to be good!_ Alexis thought.

"I am not bait!" Cullen said, clearly outraged.

 _Oh but yes you are!_ Alexis continued to say to herself, not even trying to hide her smile at this point of the conversation. And as Cullen's attention was on Leliana now, she circled the war table to stand next to Josephine, peeking above the ambassador's shoulder to look at the generous pile of request she was keeping on her board.

"Hush. Just look pretty!" Leliana told Cullen, and the Commander kept silent, his eyes glaring daggers.

"Oh Blight!" Alexis let out as Josephine was showing her from whom some of those requests were coming from.

"What?" Cullen said, looking at the both of them.

"We definitely need to use that!"

Alexis' voice sounded Machiavellian, much to Cullen's displeasure.

"Not you too?" He said, annoyed. "Why are you on their side?"

"Have you seen some of these names?"

"No and I don't want to! I have already spent enough time making smiles and courtesy to Orlesian nobles."

"Well given the influence the Inquisition has gathered, securing an alliance through marriage, is looking more interesting each passing day for many powerful nobles. You are becoming quite a match, Commander." Josephine said, giggling.

"Marriage? You must be out of your mind. All of you!"

"You should be pleased Cullen! It's not every day an Orlesian noble is ready to give his daughter's hand to a Fereldan, who isn't even noble!" Alexis added, razzing him.

"How can you say that when you and I are…" Cullen stopped himself, sighing. "You women are impossible." He said in defeat, though realizing they were trying, and succeeding, to pester him.

"Come Josie, I believe the matter is settled for now."

As the door close behind the ambassador and the spymaster Alexis came closer to Cullen, taking his hand.

"I'm sorry if we came down a little hard on you." She said with a sheepish smile.

"It's fine. I should know better than to take this kind of thing seriously. Though I'm not sure why you were with them on this one." He said with a sigh, quirking a brow at her.

"Well, you should be flattered that all those women made very official requests about your lineage. Which, Josephine is right, is the first step to a marriage proposal."

"I couldn't care less what those women think of me, nobles or not, I am not interested, not in the least, not for a second. So why do you care about them?" He looked down at her, holding onto her hand.

"It was just for fun! We all saw how you were annoyed at the Winter Palace, and none of us is truly thinking of using those requests to make you marry one of those girls! Well, perhaps Leliana is really thinking of using your devastating charm to some advantage known only to her, but she will never push the matter further, and if she tries, she'll have to go through me first!"

Trevelyan leaned against him, sliding her free arm around his shoulder and Cullen immediately closed his embrace around her.

"I don't know how you managed to joke about all this. I'm not sure how I would react if the situation was reversed."

"Cullen, I care about you. So, yes I can have a little fun about the fact that a horde of frivolous girls pines for you. I know I have no reasons at all to be jealous of them, because I trust you and I know you care about me too. And if you are not flattered by this attention, then, I am. Because even if I can't or don't show it openly, at the end of the day, this handsome man they are all swooning at, is in my arms."

"You're right." He said with a sigh. "And there is nowhere else I'd rather be. Though, you sound awfully mature and serious, all of a sudden, for someone who was just teasing me mercilessly about those marriage proposals." Cullen added with a questioning look.

"Mature? I don't know." She said, walking away from him. "The more we grow up the more we define ourselves by titles and functions. Look at how we were all introduced at the Winter Palace! And it goes down to publicly display with whom you are sleeping with as long as the person is important enough!" She turned around, looking at Cullen. "People like to possess things that can make them feel in power. And sometimes these 'things' are other people. I was there, once, with someone in my life trying to use me as an object, something he could dress the way he wanted, make me do what he wanted. The worst part is… it nearly worked."

She paused, taking a deep breath. This particular memory was still painful to this day, and not only because it concerned the Templar who had flogged her. It was more complicated and thus, weighed more heavily on her because she felt she had her part of responsibility in the matter. Even if rather brief and distant, due to the rules in a Circle, the relationship she had with Knight-Captain Aiden had left permanent marks on her skin as well as in her mind. The man had seduced her, charmed her until she fell for him. But after sharing rather pleasing moments together, he had changed. He had wanted to control her, possess her. It was nearly too late when she realized what she had fallen into. When she broke up their relationship and slipped away from his grasp, that's when things began to get ugly between them, until that very day where he had beat her.

Though these memories had shaped who she was now, it was a subject she preferred remain buried. Cullen was the first man she allowed herself to have feelings for and, more importantly, allowed herself to express them openly. She was afraid of what he might think if he truly knew what happened. So, she pushed these thoughts aside and, even if she could see the questioning look on Cullen's face, she didn't elaborate on this very specific subject.

"So no, I'll probably never make a scene because you may get some attention. Because I don't own you and how you deal with that is entirely your choice. But don't mistake it for a lack of interest, it couldn't be further away from the truth. On the contrary, I care about you too much to want to lock you up in some kind of caged relationship."

Cullen listened, the meaning of her words slowly making its way into his mind. He remembered what Lara told her earlier about how men had treated Alexis before, along with the carved scars on her back made by a Templar who tried to leave his mark on her.

From the first day he met her she had proven strong, defiant and independent. And those were qualities he liked about her. It sounded logic she wouldn't abandon those traits in any aspect of her life. Even more so if she had suffered because of people who had tried to tame her.

"You don't feel caged with me, do you?" Cullen asked hesitantly.

"Of course not!" She had a wide smile and, she extended her hand to him. As Cullen came closer and took it, she added: "What we have, all these moments we spend together, they are important to me."

"They are important to me too." He took her in his arms and Alexis hooked her arms behind his neck. "What have I done to deserve someone like you in my life?"

"Well you are really handsome, despite the serious and scary face. It helps!" Trevelyan said in jest.

"Hotter than a fade dream? That's what you said, right?" He responded with a grin.

"Whaaaat? Who told you I said that!" She sounded stunned and it made Cullen smile. "Lara, she told you. Oh there's going to be payback, I'm sure she said it on purpose."

"Why? I believe it's rather… flattering." He said, drawing her closer to him.

"I don't know if you'd be more flattered or shocked to hear us talk about you, or men in general." She laughed, running her hand into his hair.

"Alright. I'll bite. What else do you say about me?"

"I'm not sure you'd want to hear it."

"Perhaps not. But for better or worse I am curious now."

"Well." She cleared her throat, already feeling her cheeks reddened. It was one thing to have some girlfriend talk, and it was another one to repeat it to the man who was the object of those talks. "I might have said that the curve of your ass is a real sin. And also, wondered if you were well… built everywhere." She was completely flushed now, chewing nervously on her lips.

Cullen couldn't quite believe his ears. Though it must be true, otherwise he wouldn't feel a burning blush creeping up his whole body. Do women really talked like that when they were alone between friends? Strangely, he wasn't feeling shocked right now, he was actually rather pleasantly surprised. In other circumstances, if he had overheard them, perhaps he would have been stunned by their words. Yet, the woman in his arms, the adorable blush covering her face after her confession, made him feel a little bold rather than unsettled. He couldn't deny the spark of desire her words had elicited in him. A desire both had kept at bay so far when they were together, as neither of them wanted to rush things. But it couldn't remain hidden and unspoken forever.

Cullen's hand trailed down to rest on the small of her back and he leaned in so he could whisper into her ear, fitting her against his body.

"Maybe you can find out for yourself."

A moan escaped Alexis' lips as she could feel his growing hardness against her pelvis. Cullen's reaction was unexpected and for a few seconds she just relished the feeling of his body pressed against hers, their closeness sending her head spinning and heat pooling in her lower abdomen. But it didn't last. This sudden intimate contact broke the leash of her own desires and she grabbed his coat with both hands and slammed his lips down against hers, her tongue immediately making her way into his mouth.

Cullen's hand delved into her hair, untying the lace holding her bun, letting her brown strands spill on her shoulders. Not breaking their kiss, he moved, pinning her to the war table with his body. She bit his upper lip, and then ran her tongue along his scar and Cullen groaned in response. His fingers bunched into her hair, tilting her head back and his mouth went on her neck, now fully exposed to his ministrations. He nipped at the soft skin of her throat, bit softly at her jugular where he could nearly feel her pulse beating frantically. He hadn't planned for things to become so heated. But her kiss, so fierce and full of repressed passion, made it impossible for him to hold back any longer.

Alexis lifted herself up on the table and spread her legs, allowing Cullen even closer to her. When his, now fully erect, cock came to rub at the apex of her tight she just couldn't help the gasp coming past her lips. Even through the layers of their clothes, the feeling of him, rock hard against her center, was sinfully delicious. And through the fog of desire addling her mind she couldn't help but think that the Commander was indeed very well built everywhere. Her arms went around his shoulder, holding onto him for balance, and she ran a hand through his hair. Her mouth found his again and she coaxed his lips open. He tasted of the tea he often drank, spicy and honeyed. Bothered by how her own gloves preventing her from feeling his skin or the soft of his blond curls she tossed them away. Even more bothered by the feeling of the leather from his gloves she took hold of his hands and nearly ripped them off and Cullen chuckled as he helped her getting rid of the annoying layer of fabric, amused by her sudden eagerness.

Between them she felt Cullen's hands sliding from her neck to reach the buttons of her jacket. His deft fingers quickly made their way from top to bottom and he pulled it off her shoulders. Alexis was still wearing a form fitting top but it exposed her cleavage and it seemed to be all that Cullen needed… for now. She reached for the clasps of his armor, wanting to have some exposed skin for herself. She was working her way through the first one when Cullen's mouth trailed down from her jaw, to her collarbone, to the top of her breasts. At the same time his hand slipped underneath her shirt, trailing up from her hip to her ribs and higher. When he teasingly grazed her breast through her band, she forgot what she was doing and let Cullen have his way.

Alexis leaned back on her hands, letting him have full access to her upper body and Cullen couldn't help the smile that turned the corner of his lips upward. Right now he was completely oblivious of everything that wasn't her, the soft skin of her bust underneath his fingers, how she was panting more and more heavily with his touch, her intoxicating scent. Thrusting his pelvis between her thighs, he elicited new moans from her. He wanted to burry himself inside her, feel her writhing beneath him and make her cry out his name.

The sound of metallic objects clattering on the table and on the floor around them brought them both out of the haze of their heated and fierce embrace, breaking the blissful moment. Both looked, a bit stunned, at the small markers spilled haphazardly, then at each other as they realized the mess their repressed longing for each other had caused.

"I guess we should…hum…" Was all that Cullen managed to say as he took a step back, feeling embarrassed for losing his control.

"Yeah I suppose…" Alexis said, replacing her jacket and sliding off the war table.

"Not that I don't want to!" Cullen added, suddenly afraid she took his words the wrong way.

"Me neither!"

They looked at each other for a moment both feeling a bit ridiculous for their sudden uneasiness when seconds ago they were all over each other.

"Maker's breath, this is torture." Cullen chuckled, softly cupping Alexis' cheek with his hand. "I…I want this, I really do. It's just…I don't know about you but, I don't want to rush our first… time together like this."

"Me neither." She said, leaning into his touch. "I know it's already late and we still have work that needs to be done before tomorrow so I guess… going to my quarters doesn't quite fit in?" She bit her lips, unaware how teasing it made her look.

"Temptress." Cullen said with a smile in his voice, sliding his free arm around her waist. "And I am afraid that if you still wish to leave for the Emerald Graves tomorrow morning I really can't join you in your quarters. Because if I do, I really won't be able to keep my hands off you for the rest of the evening until late at night."

"Void! I hate being responsible right now." She sounded annoyed and frustrated. Pouting, she leaned her forehead against his breastplate.

"Me too." Cullen said, laying a kiss on the top of her head.

"You promise you will hold that thought for when I come back?" She asked, looking up at him from beneath her lashes.

"I promise."

Cullen could say he needn't to hold onto that very thought, for it was often haunting him at night, as he lay awake, aching for her. He was filled with a burning desire that no release he had given himself was able to alleviate. A need even stronger now that he had to deny it when it was so close to finally be fulfilled.

One thing was certain, with Trevelyan gone for the next weeks, time would pass slowly and painfully. They still hadn't been separated for a long time. Her mission in the Emerald Graves would be a first and Cullen could already feel that her absence would be hard to endure.

"Well, we should at least try to place these things back where they were."

Alexis said while sliding off Cullen's arms and bending forward to pick up the markers that had landed on the floor. If Josephine or Leliana found the war table in such a discarded state, the conclusion they would draw would mean a lot more teasing for Cullen and for her, but mostly Cullen.

They mainly kept silent as they reorganized the markers on the map, erasing all traces of their rather heated embrace. Cullen was placing the last ones, when a sharp pain shot through his arm. Hi lost his grip and the markers clattered on the table, drawing Alexis' attention. His hand was trembling and the pain began to radiate, slowly taking over his whole chest.

"Cullen?"

She sounded worried. She looked worried when he found the courage to glance sideways at her.

"I'll be fine. I just need some air." He said on a dismissing voice.

"Is there something I can do to help?"

She tentatively reached out to him, laying her hand on his shoulder but Cullen recoiled from her touch. He saw the flick of pain in her eyes, caused by his rejection, and he hated himself immediately.

"I'm sorry… I just..."

"It's fine." Alexis said, cutting his excuse short. "Go get some air and some rest. I'll finish here alone."

Cullen nodded and he left, shattered by the sadness in her voice, plagued by the throbbing pain of his withdrawal. He hadn't had a real crisis in weeks. Headaches, flicks of pain, he dealt with those regularly, and when it was happening, he avoided being near Alexis if possible. She already had so much on her shoulders, he couldn't let her worry about him. This was his burden to bear.

Gritting his teeth, fighting to keep at bay the shots of pain paralyzing his muscles, he left the war room without a single glance at the woman he was leaving behind. She deserved better than this, better than him.

Alexis watched as Cullen left, unable to shake off the hurt she was feeling. She wanted to help him. She knew the fight with his lyrium addiction was hard on him. She was aware of this part of his life, and she had accepted to face it with him when they had chosen to be together. So why was he shutting her out? Especially when she was trying so hard to try to let him in.

Angry, frustrated in more than one way, she replaced the last markers, not caring if they weren't at the right spot. One step forward and two steps backwards, that is how she was feeling about their relationship right now.


	42. Chapter 42

**A/N :** **As always, thank you all for reading and thanks for the favs and follows, it's always a pleasure for me to see that people appreciate the story and I am always glad to know what you think of it! Here comes this week-end's update. Just in case, this chapter deals a little with violence and psychological trauma, so you've been warned ;) Next update should arrive between Wednesday and Thursday!**

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With more than a week spent in the Emerald Graves they had been able to deal with most of the problems caused by a deserter group called the Freemen of the Dales, who were ransacking the region. It was a heavy and unpleasant task but a necessary one to ensure the safety of the refugees.

Now the Inquisitor and her party were facing a much harder task, tracking down the Red Templars and try to shut down their smuggling operation. They had found signs of their presence early on after their arrival and had gathered as much information as they could before leading an assault. Apparently they were spread across a large area in the region, using deserted manors or caves to hide the red lyrium and wait for the right opportunity to send it to wherever this blighted thing was needed.

Trevelyan hoped today's mission would be a success. They were approaching one of the red templar's base and, with any luck, they would find more information about where the rest of them were hiding. It would also finally be a good opportunity to write to Cullen and give him the good news.

She hadn't written a single letter to him. She just couldn't find what to say to him. The morning she left Skyhold, he was there, in the courtyard. He looked ashen, tired as if he barely had slept during the night. They stood side by side, near her horse, as everyone was gathering or making the final preparations. How Cullen had left her in the war room the day before was weighing heavily between them and, surrounded by people, neither of them dared open such a private subject. There was no embrace, no kiss goodbye. When she was on her horse, holding the reins, he only dared to cover her hand with his own and told her to be careful. She said the same thing to him, told him to rest and not push himself too hard. He smiled, though rather faintly. And this weak smile with the touch of their hand through the leather of their gloves was the only display of their affection they allowed before she rode through the gates. To be always careful in public, keep everything behind closed doors or away from prying eyes, that's what they had agreed on.

Dealing with her relationship with Cullen was beginning to prove has hard as she had imagined. She missed him, but this unresolved issue between them was doing more than bothering her. What was she supposed to do? Write a strictly formal report of the situation to him and nothing more? Add a more personal note, but what? She couldn't open this touchy subject in a letter, could she? It would be inappropriate. She knew, deep down, she had to write to him, furthermore if they had information about the red Templars. If today's mission was a success, at least she would have a place to start with her letter.

Accompanied by Solas, Varric, Iron Bull and Cassandra, Trevelyan carefully approached the cave serving as a stronghold for the red Templars. Varric took down the two sentinels guarding the entry, Bianca firing bolts quicker than any possible attempt at raising the alarm. This was the easy part. The hard one was waiting for them inside. Trevelyan raised a barrier around them and they bolted inside, unleashing chaos.

Bull charged and she followed closely with a fade step which froze two red Templars on her way. Soon, the cave was filled with the static of magical discharge and the loud noises made by the clattering of weapons. Her spear in hand, Trevelyan faced a heavily armored Templar. She danced around him, using her agility and speed at her advantage. When he tried to smite her, she sent him reeling back with a mind blast. Before he could get up on his feet she pounced and plunged her spear in an opening between two metal chest plates covering his torso.

She felt a presence at her back and she jumped out of reach, made a roll on the ground and ended up, sat-knelt, a feet away from this new opponent. She hadn't got the time to withdraw her spear so she quickly grabbed the hilt of her spirit blade from its seat on her armguard. The sword blazed to life at the same time the Templar came running at her. He aimed towards her unprotected side and Trevelyan lifter her arm in front of her in a protective gesture. The Templar thought he was about to win. She had nothing but leather covering her, his great sword would cut right through her. But it didn't. Instead, it clattered against a shield that had appeared from thin air. Stunned, the Templar took a step back and Trevelyan rose to her feet. Spirit blade in one hand, a shield made of ice strong as silverite in the other. The man never stood a chance.

Despite being outnumbered, and the fight being brutal when facing Templars doped with red lyrium, they all made it out in one piece with only a few, and expected, scratches. Although, unexpectedly, that's when things became really ugly.

"Andraste's fat ass! Frostbite, they had prisoners here!" Varric called out as he was exploring the back of the cave.

Discarding the papers and letters she was looking at, Trevelyan rushed to where Varric was. The red Templars had fixed bars to create several cells at the back of the cave and inside them were bodies. Her lips pursed in a fine line, a mask of hardened resolve on her face, she opened the cells and inspected the bodies. They were all dead, not since long. All had been consumed by red lyrium and Alexis remembered what she had saw in the dark future she experienced in Redcliffe with Dorian. They were growing the red lyrium from people. That's what this place was used for, they were making it grow here before harvesting it from the bodies.

Bull, Solas and Cassandra had joined them and they, too, inspected the human remains. Solas was at her side when Trevelyan opened the last cell at the far end of the cave. It was dark and she needed time for her eyes to adapt. She walked until she reached the end of the cell. There was only one body there, chained up facing the wall. When Alexis' eyes finally settled on it, her heart stopped dead. It was a woman, young, long brown hair. The red lyrium hadn't' consumed her like the others. No, what made it impossible for Alexis to look away was her back. She was naked from waist up and her back… was flayed open.

"Inquisitor? Alexis?"

Solas' voice snapped her out of her trance and she walked toward the woman. She had died recently, and she had been flogged recently. Alexis pushed her long hair out of her back, her hand trembling. She needed to know. There were other women within the bodies that had served to grow the red lyrium, why her, why was it her, especially who had been beaten and whipped. Why was it a woman who shared traits with her? She needed to be sure.

It was there, on her shoulder blade, a 'V' crossed by a jagged line. Alexis gut sank and she recoiled from the body, her heart pounding so hard in her chest it was hurting. Her head was spinning and she felt sick. Her mind shut down and all that was left was one thought and one thought only. It was _him,_ he did it. She ran out of the cell, nearly shoving Cassandra out of her way. Frantically she went from one Templar to another, looking at their faces, removing their helmets when needed. He had to be there, he had to be dead…he had to.

But he wasn't. Knight-Captain Aiden Vannier wasn't amongst the Templars they killed. She cursed, loudly, oblivious of the eyes that were on her. After checking a second time, she stopped. Her breathing was so rapid she was barely getting any air in her lungs. She ran outside, nearly blacking out. She barely had the time to exit the cave before she was seized by nausea and she doubled over, vomiting.

She stood there, bracing herself against the stones, panting, until her stomach was empty and the nausea had passed. When it was finally over, she walked, teetering, to a nearby stream and she fell on her knees on the river bank. Her vision was still clouded by black dots and her whole body was shaking. With fumbling hands she washed her face and tried to get rid of the acrid taste of bile in her mouth. Light footsteps approached and she needn't to turn to know who it was. Nor Bull nor Cassandra with her heavy armor could walk so discreetly.

"Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah, just need a minute."

Solas sat down, his eyes purposefully avoiding lingering too long on her face. He knew she wouldn't feel comfortable under any kind of scrutiny right now, even the one of a friend.

"They didn't see. I made sure of it. Though they are worried about you."

"Thank you Solas. I… appreciate it."

A moment of silence passed between them before the elf spoke again.

"Given your reaction I presume that the man who gave you your scars wasn't amongst the Templars we killed today." She nodded, her jaw set, her eyes a stormy shade of blue. "And you believe he is the one responsible for this girl's death."

"It can only be him. No other Templar would know about this very specific scar. Would know that recreate it meant something. It's him, it can only be him… And he is a red Templar."

* * *

Real sleep eluded her that night. She couldn't forget what she saw and it followed her in the Fade. There, she stood in silence for hours, trapped in a dark room where her own memories locked her up. The stone wall was thick, the heavy wooden door was closed and the only light in the room came from a brazier and torches on the wall. In the center of the room were chains, hanging from the ceiling. Here were brought mages meant to become tranquil.

Aiden had chosen this place to scare her. He dragged her there right after she stood up to him to protect Lara, chained her and threatened her. And when his threats fell into deaf hears, he flogged her, marked her, touched her… until her resolve had crumble and she was left crying out, praying for the pain to stop, silently asking why he was doing this to her. Why was he torturing her when, months before, he seemed to care about her.

Months before, she and Knight-Captain Aiden were in a relationship. Or at least in whatever relationship a circle mage and a Templar could possibly have. Secret, hidden, made of brief and stolen moments, they often spent days without speaking to each other, sometimes even not seeing each other at all. Aiden was the one who started everything. Tall, dark, handsome, it didn't take him much effort before Trevelyan dared break a few rules on fraternization with him. For some time, everything was fine, they talked, shared a few heated embraces in dark corners of the circle, shared kisses and caress his limiting armor and the general lack of privacy would allow them. It was fun and good and she felt desired. Until, one day, he began to change. Aiden became judgmental, overly critical towards her. He wanted her to behave a certain way, dress a certain way, act a certain way. Trevelyan refused to let him dictate her life and the more distant she grew with him, the more violent he became. Until, one day, he pushed things too far and she ended their relationship.

"It seems like you are stuck here."

The voice surprised her, dragging her abruptly away from her memories.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." The elf said with an apologetic smile.

"It's quite alright Solas. And I suppose it does look that way." Alexis said with a deep sigh.

She wasn't quite expecting his company, not in such dark corners the fade projected from her memories, though she shouldn't be surprised. The elf's knowledge about the fade exceeded those of any circle mage and most certainly any Tevinter mage. Being honest with herself, she had to admit she welcomed his company. She needed the distraction. Her thoughts were beginning to run in circles, as ironic as it sounded. Her mind would swing back and forth between what she saw earlier, the fear it elicited in her and the pain of the old wounds it was suddenly reopening.

"The Fade can reflect our cherished memories as well as the ones we dread most. Guessing which is currently preoccupying you is easy. But perhaps you wish for a change of scenario?"

"It would be nice, yes." She sighed deeply. She had been torturing herself with her own memories. It was time she get a grip on herself and let go. At least for the rest of the night. "I've spent enough time dwelling in here for the night. Help me?" She asked while looking at her friend with a small smile. "I'm far from being the expert on the Fade as you are and this conscious dreaming is still very new to me."

"Yet you are proving quite proficient at this." Solas responded with a wide grin.

Trevelyan had shared a couple of conscious dream with him, as she liked to call, and it had been enough for her to remark the effect that being in the Fade had on her friend's demeanor. Solas was less reserved, more prompt to smile and even to talk about himself while in the Fade. It sometimes felt like the Fade was his natural element rather than the real world.

"I'll have to take your word on that." She said while matching his grin.

"Certainly. Though I still am curious to know if how easily you are developing this ability is related to the Anchor or not. But that is a question for another time. Let's go elsewhere, shall we?"

Solas said while gesturing towards the door. Doors, in the Fade, were far more than simple partition between two rooms. They were a symbolic representation of the passage between different spaces and different times. An object the mind created to mark his journey from one corner of the Fade to another.

Trevelyan opened the door and they walked through it. They were greeted by the warm rays of a midday sun and the fresh and salty air of the seaside tickled their nostrils. She inhaled deeply while gazing at the landscape, finally leaving the bad memories behind.

"Where are we?" Solas asked

"The Free Marches, near Ostwick. The estate my parents have outside the city isn't far away. My family usually spends the months of summer and held balls there. It's… where I ran to when I snuck out of the circle."

They were on a cliff overlooking the shore. The Waking Sea was a bright blue under the sun and they could hear the cries of the seagulls. It was calm, relaxing, the day promising to be peaceful.

"Is this place special to you?"

"It is. I often rode here with my father when I was allowed to come home. I came here that day. When I left." Alexis walked towards the edge of the cliff and glanced down to the waves dying on the rocks. "I escaped before the circle decided to join the rebellion. I fled the city, unseen and on my way to the estate I came here. Before I left the Circle I did one last thing, I stole my phylactery. I knew that, as long as it existed, it could fall into the wrong hands and Templars would be able to track me down. So here, I smashed it onto a rock and I threw the rock into the sea. I wanted it to completely disappear, that no trace of its existence could remain. I had left the Circle hours ago but here, in that moment, it was the first time of my entire life I felt free."

It was rather fitting that she had gone from a place in her past where she had felt trapped and powerless to one where she had gained freedom.

"A pleasant moment." Solas said as he came to stand next to Trevelyan. "Breaking the last leash tying you back to the chantry." He gave her a wide smile and she found herself responding to it automatically.

"It was. I never truly adapted to the life in the Circle. I know it's terrible to say this, because so many people lost their lives but, somehow this war, the mages, the Templars, Corypheus… I would never have enjoyed the freedom I have now if it never happened. I know I would have escaped the circle, become an apostate, yet I would have spent my life looking over my shoulder. Now, everything is changed."

"As the Inquisitor, you have a lot of responsibilities as well as power, you are handling those with a rare wisdom."

"Really?" Trevelyan said with a smirk.

"Really, my friend. Though I am curious, what do you believe will happen of the Inquisition once Corypheus is defeated?"

"Honestly? I have no idea. I try not to think of what will happen after. Every time I've let myself think about it, there is this part of me that can't help but say that I probably won't see the aftermath of the battle. I barely made it out of Haven. It was pure luck. Luck never lasts forever."

"Yet I see you moving forward with matters that, most certainly, have you thinking about the future."

"What do you mean?" She caught Solas' small smirk and it hit her. "You mean… Cullen, don't you? " She sighed, crossing her arms, her gaze focused on the landscape. "Sometimes I can't help but think I am making a mistake, that I am leading both of us towards disaster. Looking realistically at our situation, there isn't much room to hope for a happy ending. I know that, and I can tell it to myself repeatedly, yet when I'm near him I can't help but have these feelings for him. Like the rational part of my mind shuts down. It's really frustrating at times." She said with a chuckle.

"As much as we'd like to think otherwise, we aren't in control of every aspect of our lives. Emotions, especially, tends to elude us."

"Yet you seem awfully in control, pretty much all the time, Solas. All right, perhaps beside when talking about mages and magic. That tends to get to you… especially with Vivienne and perhaps a bit with Dorian." Alexis said with a grin.

"Haha. It is true. And control isn't exactly what it's about. I like to observe and I still find myself sometimes out of place. I know you have noticed it, yes, the Fade feels like a more natural environment to me. It's been a long time since I… had what seemed like a real life and friends in the waking world." Solas said, choosing his words carefully.

"Well, for what it's worth, I'm glad you chose to leave the Fade for a bit and help the inquisition, we owe you all a great deal, and I'm not speaking only about Skyhold. I truly am grateful to have you by my side as an ally, and as a friend."

"These last months I've spent in your company, have proven to be a nice change. You have made the world an interesting place to watch."

"Haha! Well even if I don't make it out of this mess alive, I'll have the pleasure to know that I, running around southern Thedas kicking butts and cursing a lot has entertained you."

"You forget our talks." Solas added with a grin.

"Ah yes, of course! And I make small talks better than a spirit!" She winked at him, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips.

Thanks to Solas' help, she was feeling a little less overwhelmed by her bad thoughts and a little more confident about facing this threat.

She knew that somewhere, within the red Templars ranks, a fragment of her past was lurking in the shadows. She knew it was only a matter of time before she had to face it, and face _him_ one way or the other. And somewhere at the back of her mind she was afraid. But she wouldn't go down without a fight.

Holding onto that thought she decided she had hesitated long enough, it was time to write to the man bringing light in her life. Odds be damned, she had given herself to that relationship knowing the risks and Cullen knew them too. It no longer mattered if their days together were numbered. It was too late to walk away and, strangely, it seemed like the right thing.

"I see your own _spirit_ has returned." Solas said jokingly. "Now let's hope you'll keep it for the rest of day after you… wake up."


	43. Chapter 43

**A/N : Thank you all for reading and thanks for the favs and follows! Just like the last chapter this one deals with violence and psychological trauma/abuse, so, just in case, you are warned :) Next update should arrive by the end of the week-end!**

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Until a few minutes earlier, the day had been rather normal. Trevelyan was glad no one had comment too loudly on her outburst from the day before. Cassandra and Varric had asked how she was and she simply explained that what she saw reminded her of her unpleasant trip in future Redcliffe. They seemed to believe her, after all she was still sometimes having nightmares about it. And so they had resumed the normal course of their mission.

The documents gathered in the last red Templar stronghold they raided led them to elven ruins buried deep in the Emerald Graves. They all had thought at first that the tricky part would be to approach without giving away their presence either to the local fauna or to the Templars waiting ahead. But the truth was far worse and far bigger than what they had thought. Giants… Giants everywhere.

"Careful! We've attracted another one!" Varric shout out to the rest of the team.

"Oh blight! We split! Bull, get his attention, Dorian you keep his barrier up." Trevelyan ordered.

"Might be a little hard! With all the flying rocks, you know?" The Tevinter mage said just as one of the rocks the giants lifted was thrown at them, forcing him to run away to not be crushed.

"I'm sure you'll be creative. Now go!"

"On it Boss!"

Was Bull's only comment before he charged right at the second giant, Dorian following him. Trevelyan fade stepped toward the first giant and attacked with her spirit blade. As big as the creature was, fighting it in close combat alongside an ally was a complicated task and she had to stay mindful of Cassandra's actions.

Several times the giant walked away from them to gather new rocks and, rather than chase after him, they figured out it was better to run away in several directions, preventing him from possibly hitting two birds with one stone, figuratively. This time he aimed in Trevelyan's direction. She jumped to the side and rolled on the floor to avoid it. A rush of magical energy flowed past her as she got up, Solas' projectiles hitting the giant right in the face.

The creature wouldn't last much longer, it was too severely wounded. Not taking the time to raise her barrier, she made another fade step to get back in the fight, her combat magic would take care of her protection, drawing from the fade with each of her spells, each strike of her blade to create a spontaneous barrier.

Finally, the giant fell to his knees, the tremor caused by his fall knocked Cassandra and Trevelyan away. They heard the clicks of Bianca's bolts and, a second later, it was dead. Well, the first one. It wasn't over yet. Barely taking the time to catch their breath, they ran to Dorian and Bull's aid.

The fight was messy, and the beast was even stronger and taller than the first one. Trevelyan was circling the giant, attacking whenever he was leaving himself open when he launched himself at one of her companions, careful not to hinder either Bull or Cassandra.

"There, atop the ruins, red Templars!"

Solas' warning immediately drew her attention in that direction. She wanted to only to take a quick glance, assess the threat then focus back on her current enemy, but when her gaze landed on the Templars, she completely froze. Black hair falling to his shoulders, a beard a couple days old, a steal gaze set upon her, full Templar gear encompassed his bulk, it was him… Was it? Was her mind playing tricks on her? But it didn't matter she was unable to deal with her thoughts, unable to move, to fight, or to think of anything else than that man.

 _The whip tears the flesh of her back apart. She keeps her mouth shut, bites her lips to contain herself. She has to. She can't give him the satisfaction to hear her scream. But screaming is the only thing she wants to do. The pain…It's obliterating her, it fills her every thought and every second of her existence._

 _The iron cuffs are rubbing her wrists raw, her arms lifted above her head. She is naked from the waist up. He tore her clothes off of her before starting to flog her. She feels exposed, but even this thought seems to be kept at the bay, pushed to the back of her mind by the sheer pain that is radiating from her back through her whole body._

 _She hears his steps as he comes close to her. So close she can feel his breath on her neck. His hand now rests on her hip and painfully slowly starts to trail up until it rests just beneath her breast._

 _"_ _Try to resist me all you want, Trevelyan, but before I'm finished with you, I'll have you screaming."_

She barely registered what happened around her, her eyes lingering on that familiar figure now retreating back. The Templars were aware of their presence, leaving as quickly as they could, but not before _he_ made sure she had seen him.

"Inquisitor!"

"Frostbite, watch out!"

The panicked voices of her companions shouting at her broke her out of her trance. But it was too late. The giant was already reaching for her. She tried to cast an icing spell that would gain her the time she needed to escape. Even with focusing back to the battle, she no longer had the time to react. The beast's hand closed around her and in an incredibly swift move, he lifted her up. Its grip was inescapable, and its fingers were crushing her. She tried to wriggle herself free, a futile effort. Beneath her she heard the screams of her friends, getting more desperate by the second to free her.

Nothing they did broke the giant's firm grip on Trevelyan. And despite the new deep cuts and wounds he was getting he stepped away, focused only on the thing he was holding in his hand. He walked to a nearby tree and smashed Trevelyan against it. A sharp pain erupted in her whole body and she would have screamed if the shock hadn't knocked the wind out of her lungs. She felt bones cracking and skin being torn and scratched. Screams, more frantic than ever, shouts of rage, those were the only things that reached her conscious as her vision was beginning to blacken. She felt the grip tighten again around her now broken body. She was going to shatter in pieces.

She couldn't recall what happened next, but for a second, she felt the pressure release her and then, after fleeting seconds where the world seemed to spin around her, she hit something again, hard. Through the dots clouding her vision she could see the ever green foliage of the trees and the sky. She was on the ground again and from the throbbing feeling in her arms and legs, she knew some parts of her body weren't in the right position. She felt like an old rag doll. Moving, even the slightest bit, was impossible. Breathing was already sending jolts of pain every time she was painstakingly inhaling. There was nothing she could do.

She had no idea how long she remained there. In truth it probably didn't last more than a minute, for her friends quickly killed the giant and ran to her. In her mind, and through the fog of pain seizing her body, it lasted an eternity.

"Alexis!"

"Inquisitor!"

"Maker's breath, you have to do something." Cassandra said with a frantic voice, gripping Dorian's arms, shooting Solas a desperate look.

The elf didn't seem to notice the Seeker's scared glance. Quickly, though calmly, he knelt beside Alexis. His eyes roamed over her, assessing the state of her injuries and he spoke to her with an even voice.

"I am sorry but this is going to hurt my friend."

"I know. Just… do it." She hissed.

Magical healing, given enough power, could work miracles, reset and mend bones, close almost any wounds. Yet there was one thing it couldn't do, suppress the pain the body would normally had to endure. Nor would it erase the soreness and the strain, or alleviate the residual pain one would usually feel while recovering from a serious injury.

Solas wielded his magic to heal her, mending the broken ribs. Though it eased the pressure which was crushing her lungs and making it hard to breathe, the pain caused by the bones settling back into place and being fixed, ripped throughout her body and she screamed in agony. Solas paused, giving Trevelyan some time to breathe before moving back to her torn limbs. It was excruciating and she felt tears welled up in her eyes and beads of sweat rolling down her forehead.

"Easy, Boss, it's going to be fine." Bull tore one of his leather strap and knelt net to Trevelyan "Here, bite on that. It'll help with the pain, and this way, you won't bite your tongue by accident."

She nodded in response and let the Qunari placed the strap in her mouth. As ready to endure the healing process as she could ever be, she looked at Solas and the elf cast his spell. She bit down, hard, on the leather, her cries muffled by her greeted teeth. Maker this had to stop soon, she was going to pass out. Stars were already dancing before her eyes. Her twisted shoulder popped into place and this time she couldn't refrain the scream. She felt Bull hold her head and shoulder as she was beginning to struggle, unable to remain still as the tendrils of magic worked through the remaining broken bones.

Finally, after excruciating and long minutes, it was over. Her vision was blurred by her tears and her breathing was ragged. There wasn't an inch of her body that didn't felt cramped or stiff but it was better than the raw pain. Bull released his hold on her and she could discern an encouraging smile on Solas' lips.

She remained still for a moment, waiting for her heart beat to reach a normal pace before she dared to move. Once her breathing had calmed and despite the lingering cramped feeling, she managed to sit up and wiped the tears from her eyes.

"We should go. We still need to investigate the Templar encampment." She said with an uneven voice.

"Woah, slow down Frostbite. Chuckles barely finished healing you. As much as I hate those red things, I'm not sure it's a good idea for you to jump into another fight."

"They saw us." _He saw me,_ was truly what came to her mind. "They were already leaving. We have to go to their camp and see what we can find."

"Varric is right, we should go back, you need to rest." Cassandra said.

"No!" Trevelyan answered a bit hastily. She didn't want to rest. She needed to stay busy, keep her mind focus on the task ahead. To not think about him. "We are too close now. We go."

"Your decision, Frostbite."

Solas helped her get up on her feet and they took the direction of the Templar camp. Trevelyan took the lead, walking as fast as she could, and given her actual state it was rather slow. Her body might be healed but she was feeling like her legs would give way beneath her at any moment and she would crumble to the ground.

Without asking, Solas came to her side and, sliding an arm around her, he helped her walk. She gripped his shoulder with one hand, welcoming the assistance. She relinquished part of her weight to him as she could feel every one of her muscle scream in protest as she moved.

"You are quite stubborn, my friend."

"Well, I promise I'll be less stubborn on our way back but we need to find whatever evidence we can, before it vanishes."

"Very well, but you need to be ready for whatever we may lay eyes upon. The distractions caused by your emotions could have very well cost you your life."

Trevelyan shot him a glance. Her distraction had only lasted a few seconds, no one else seemed to have noticed. Yet he knew, that much was sure now. And he was right. She couldn't let herself be thrown off guard that way. She needed to keep her focus and be ready to whatever Aiden Vannier would throw her way. Because there was no denying that he was in her way now. It was only a matter of time before they would finally meet face to face. Trevelyan was sure of that.

* * *

Bull settled her down next to the fire camp. Halfway back, Trevelyan had no longer been able to keep up, her freshly healed wounds and freshly mended bones couldn't support her and the Qunari had carried her the rest of the way.

"We have to go back to Skyhold Inquisitor." Cassandra told her as she came to seat next to her.

"Our work here isn't over yet."

"You need to rest. And no, a couple of days sleeping on a bedroll in a tent does not count as true rest."

"I will be fine tomorrow, Cassandra."

"Inquisitor… Alexis. I am worried for you. You have been extremely restless these past days and even since we left Skyhold, you have seemed in a bad mood. Is there something wrong with you and Cullen?"

"What?" Trevelyan gave Cassandra a bewildered look.

"Well, I know he is… courting you. Even if the two of you are being discreet about it but…"

"Courting?"

"You know, when a man…"

"I know what it means Cassandra." She said with a chuckle. That particular term hadn't quite come to her mind to express her relation with Cullen, though, given the deeply romantic side of the Seeker, she shouldn't be surprised she would use it. "It just wasn't really how I thought about it."

"Oh, yes of course. What I wanted to say is that it seems like there is something bothering you. I guessed it must be about Cullen because you still haven't written to him."

Alexis felt her gut sink. She had tried, this morning, to write a letter. Its awful beginning was tucked away neatly with the official reports she had received from Skyhold.

"I guess I don't really know how to put things in a letter now that things changed between us. And yes, something is bothering me. I suppose I can tell you about since, after all, you're the one with whom he as an arrangement about it."

"The lyrium." Cassandra said, immediately picking up the hints.

"Yes. I feel like he is avoiding me whenever his withdrawal pains him and I… don't really know what to do." She sighed deeply, running a hand through her hair. "The fact that we are dealing with red Templars here doesn't help me to put things right on paper."

To be honest, what was really scaring her wasn't about Cullen's reaction to the red Templars, rather his reaction if he found out what she had discovered. Cullen had always demonstrated a deep protectiveness about her whenever she mentioned what happened to her at the hands of Aiden Vannier. How would he react if she told him that she just might run into him the next time she was confronted to red Templars? Worse, how would he react if he found out the truth about the nature of the relation she had had with that man? It was a stupid concern, deep down she knew that, and it wasn't so much about Cullen's reaction than the shame she felt about how Aiden had manipulated her and lied to her and she hadn't seen it at first. Yet, the fear remained and she was no closer now to find an answer to what she was supposed to do and what she should or could tell.

"Cullen is fighting really hard to cure himself from the lyrium. It is no easy path. Give him time. And about that letter, just tell him whatever is in your heart, my friend."

With a warm smile Cassandra briefly took hold of her hands, squeezing them lightly. Alexis couldn't help but smile in return. The Seeker truly was a romantic at heart.

"I'll try it."

"Good. Now go write that letter and don't forget to include that we are coming back to Skyhold. Because we are."

"But…"

"No but, Inquisitor. We have gathered enough intel today, we have a trail to follow and the smuggling operation is all but shut down. You could have died today and all the magic in the world will not make you steadier on your feet. So we are going back to Skyhold were you will be able to rest and recover properly."

"Urgh. I suppose there's no point arguing any longer here." Cassandra nodded in response and Alexis let out a sigh. "Fine. We're going back to Skyhold!"

* * *

A letter from Inquisitor Trevelyan to Commander Cullen Rutherford.

 _Commander,_

 _Our efforts in the Emerald Graves have proved successful. With clearing out the menace posed by the Freeman of the Dales, we secured alliances in the area that will benefit the Inquisition._

 _While doing so we discovered the presence of red Templars in the area and I'm glad to inform you that we have been able to oppose and most certainly shut down their operations here. You were right about them smuggling red lyrium and we found evidence that they have bases of operations in other areas in Orlais and probably in Ferelden. Though this news comes as no surprise, we discovered that they do not only smuggle it, they also grow it. Their needs for that stuff must be increasing. They also do not take what would seem as necessary precaution to move it in a secure way. We found simple crates filled with red lyrium ready to be shipped to their destination. We may have to deal with more redlyrium poisoning in the future than we first thought. Finding evidence of this poisoning could also help us locate the trade routes they are using._

 _I know this matter is important to you and I can assure you that I will do whatever I can, whatever the Inquisition can, to stop Samson and his red Templars._

 _I must also inform you that tomorrow we will be on our way back to Skyhold. I suspect that when this letter reaches you we will probably be a couple days away. I know we weren't supposed to be back so soon but we ran into many difficult fights and everyone here needs some time to recover._

 _I hope this letter finds you well,_

 _Kind regards,_

 _Inquisitor Alexis Trevelyan_

There was a second letter accompanying the formal report send by the Inquisitor to the Commander.

 _Cullen,_

 _Sorry for not writing sooner. I guess I did not know what to say, especially since we did not speak since that last evening before I left. And, well, it didn't quite ended perfectlywell. What I am trying to say here is that I'm not very good at dealing with situations like that, not when I am too involved myself._

 _And now, reading what I just wrote to you, I feel really stupid. Cassandra told me that I should just "Tell you whatever is in my heart", I am not sure I am good at following that particular advice but, well I started, I might as well finish it._

 _I worry about you, and I miss you._

 _I suppose I should also tell you this. But before you start to worry too much, know that I am fine, otherwise I probably wouldn't be able to write to you. I was badly injured today in a fight against a giant. Solas healed me and I am well now, but everyone insisted that I needed time to fully recover. Magic can reset bones yet it still can hurt for days afterwards. It will most certainly be gone by the time we reach Skyhold but I know I'm not the only one who will appreciate a few days off the roads and a few nights in a real bed._

 _I hope you are well and I hope that you are feeling better than when I left._

 _I'll see you in a few days._

 _Alexis_

Not worry too much? How could he not worry too much knowing that she had been badly injured? Cullen sighed, his eyes scanning the letter a second time. Despite the unpleasant feeling that twisted his insides at the knowledge that Alexis had been hurt, the rational part of his mind had to admit that she was right. There was no point worrying for something that was already fixed. Still, it was hard to not let his thoughts wander and speculate about what happened.

He read the letter again, more slowly this time. When he opened it he was thrilled to discover she had added a personal note, for him, Cullen and not just a formal letter to the Commander of the Inquisition.

Enduring her absence in the past two weeks had been dire, especially since they hadn't parted in the best conditions. His lyrium withdrawal hit him hard the first days she was away and the nightmares were rough. Sometimes only memories, sometimes twisted scenarios ending inevitably with the same outcome, him loosing Trevelyan. And he would awake with a dread that sometimes lingered for the whole day.

Now, reading her words written in her delicate hand writing, Cullen felt better. Still holding her letter in his hands, his eyes searched over and over again for the words ' _sorry for not writing sooner' 'I worry about you, and I miss you'._ She was thinking about him and he would see her in a couple days. Cullen smiled, unable to hide how happy that news made him. He missed her. In every possible way and he very much intended to use the next days to clear as much work as he possibly could. Once Trevelyan would be back he would spend more time with her. Now, if only his withdrawal symptoms would leave him alone for the week, perhaps Cullen would have a chance at spending a moment with the woman he loved.


	44. Chapter 44

**A/N: Hello everyone! Sorry for the delay and not being able to update the story this week-end, it was a very busy one!  
**

* * *

She couldn't help the groan of pain that escaped her lips as she was letting herself slide down the back of her horse. Ridding for several days had not helped her recover from her injuries, at all! Her back was hurting, her legs were stiff and overall she felt like an old person. She needed sleep, real sleep, something to help bear the pain and…

"Inquisitor."

Cullen… Yes she needed him too. But the whole of Skyhold's inhabitants had to vanish in order for her to be able to enjoy his presence like she wanted to.

"Commander." She greeted him with a small nod, a tired smile playing on her lips.

"I trust you had a safe journey…" Cullen's voice trailed off as he looked at her, discovering the shadows under her eyes, the abnormal stiffness of her posture. "Maker's breath, Alexis, what happened? You said you'd be alright by now." His voice dropped, mindful of the people around them.

"I'm just worn out. Riding for days has been harder than I thought. I'm fine, I just need rest, don't worry."

Cullen frowned, his eyes not leaving her. Trevelyan could sense he wasn't going to drop the case easily. He motioned to one of the stable boys to come and take care of her horse for her and, this time, she wasn't going to refuse the offer.

"Is there something I can do?" He asked on his professional and commander-like tone.

"Not at present. It's already late, we'll hold the war council in the morning. Now I honestly just want to rest. A good night sleep, and I'll be up and ready by tomorrow."

She unfastened her gear from the saddle and winced in pain as she retrieved it, the shoulder she had dislocated still hurting a bit. From the corner of her eyes she could see Cullen's struggle as he was refraining himself to react and jump to her side to help her.

"Allow me to walk you to your quarters, Inquisitor. I can update you on the situation here in Skyhold."

Trevelyan wasn't fooled for a second by his proposal. Nor was Cullen truly trying to hide his true motivation from her, the intensity in his gaze held all the answers.

"Sure commander."

They walked, at first in silence, stepping up the flight of stairs leading to the upper courtyard and then to the main hall. Before they reached it and before being within earshot of the usual crowd gathered there, Cullen began to talk about matters related to the Inquisition, troop movements and mission reports, overall making it look like the Inquisitor and her commander had important and all professional matters to discuss.

They reached her door as Cullen was speaking about the news they received from the Western Approach.

"… Hawke is quite eager to depart. From the last reports we got from our agents, the situation is definitely strange there."

"I'd like to have a copy of those reports for the council tomorrow." Trevelyan responded as she opened the door and went inside, Cullen following behind her.

"Of course Inquisitor." Was the last thing he said before closing the door, isolating them for the rest of Skyhold.

Trevelyan sighed as her gaze landed on the stairs she had to climb before effectively reaching her quarters. Her back was hurting like hell and stairs clearly weren't the best remedy.

"Let me take this."

Cullen removed the heavy knapsack she was carrying on her good shoulder and for a moment they stood face to face, staring into each other's eyes. Then he let it drop onto the floor and he wound his arms around her as she was throwing herself at him. His lips found hers, desperate to feel her, taste her, alive and well and _his_.

Alexis gripped his shoulder, silently thanking that today was one of those rare occasions were Cullen wasn't wearing his armor. Her fingers tangled into the fabric of his coat as he coaxed her lips open and she surrendered her weight to his embrace. It was good, better than good it was right and the lingering pain in her body receded to the back of her mind for a moment. There, in Cullen's arms, she felt safe and she felt at home.

"I missed you." She whispered against his lips.

"I missed you too." He said, resting his forehead against hers. "You probably should go upstairs now, while your bath is probably still hot enough."

"My bath? Cullen, did you arrange for a bath to be ready when I arrive?"

"Well hum… yes. I know it's how you like to relax when you come back from a long mission. I thought you would appreciate it. If you don't like it, please, forgive me for intruding…"

"No! Cullen I appreciate it, really. It's kind of you to have thought about it. I am just surprised, that's all." Alexis said with a small smile that tugged at a corner of her lips. No man she had known had been so attentive or thoughtful with her.

"As long as it's in a good way." Cullen smiled in return, replacing a rebel lock of brown hair behind her ear.

"It is."

Still smiling he laid a kiss on her temple and they slowly made their way upstairs to her quarters. An arm slid around her shoulders, Cullen supported her. Walking up from the courtyard, he had noticed her frowns caused by flicks of pain, the stiffness in her steps. He hadn't comment on it, yet, had held back from helping her in public, but now there was nothing preventing him from doing so.

Finally, the door of her quarters was closed behind them and they walked up the last flight of stairs. Cullen put down her knapsack next to the couch as Alexis was removing her coat that she haphazardly threw on said couch. As she removed it, Cullen caught a glimpse of what looked like a nasty bruise peeking from the hem of her shirt and his fear about her well-being came back to bother him.

Oblivious of Cullen's trouble, Trevelyan was appreciating how warm her room was right now. The thick curtains had been drawn in front of the windows to keep the chill away, a roaring fire was warming up the place and lighting it up along with several candles and torches. In front of the fireplace was a large tub filled with steaming water. A grateful smile appeared on her lips, for Cullen's attention and for the servants who had prepared all this. She sat on the edge of her bed and began to untie the laces of her boots. Cullen still hadn't moved, standing before the stairs.

"Will you explain to me what happened, before I leave?"

"If you're really curious about it, Varric makes has a rather colorful description of it. Cassandra thought it was too soon to joke about it, but it's actually pretty fun how he makes it look like. I believe he's planning to use it for one of his books." She responded with a chuckle as she painfully kicked off the first boot.

"I'm not interested in Varric's embelished version of events. I want to know what happened to you."

"Fine. In short, got grabbed by a giant, smashed into a tree then thrown onto the ground." Cullen's face became awfully blank and his mouth bobbed open. "Ended up with broken bones, twisted shoulder, that kind of stuff. Solas fixed everything but, even with magic, with that kind of injury, you're still up for a couple of shitty days. Magic sets things back, but the body still needs to complete the mending, and whatever bones you broke or muscle you torn, it will hurt like hell. It should have been fine by now. I guess that the days on horseback didn't help." She had said everything quickly, without stopping or letting Cullen react. It was better for the story to be out than painstakingly having to go through a longer explanation.

"You what? How did… how come…" Cullen stopped himself from letting more incoherent thoughts come out of his mouth.

"Cullen, you know this isn't the first time I have been injured in battle. Most of the time I'm patched up right in the field either by Solas or Dorian. Sometimes I even patch myself up!" Trevelyan said while removing her second boot.

"I know." Cullen's hand came to rub at the back of his neck. "Usually, I don't see it, nor the consequences of all those fights you are in. It's the first time you've come back with lingering injuries, I guess it just suddenly makes it feel…real."

Cullen looked so sad and Alexis could almost feel the pain and fear nipping at his guts. It was heart-breaking.

"Come here."

She motioned to the empty space on her bed and Cullen immediately closed the distance between them. As he sat next to her, he couldn't help but take hold of her hand, his thumb absent-mindedly stroking her knuckles.

"There isn't a day that passes by, while you are away, where I wish I could be out there with you, fighting at your side." He said while locking his gaze with hers.

"I know. And I wish you could be with me too. But I also know how your presence is vital here in Skyhold."

"Yes. I know." He sighed, squeezing her hand in his. "Promise you'll write more often next time you leave. You don't have to feel obligated to write anything special to me. So long as it lets me know that you are alright."

"Only if you promise to do the same."

"I can do that." Cullen said with a smile.

"Then we have a deal." Alexis laid a kiss on his cheek before getting up. "Now I'm going to enjoy the bath you thoughtfully asked to be readied for me."

"Right. Of course. Well, I'm leaving then. I'll see you tomorrow, at the council?"

"I said I was going to take a bath. Not that I wanted you to leave."

"What?" In a matter of seconds Cullen's face turned a bright shade of red. "You want me to stay while... uhm..."

"I wasn't suggesting anything inappropriate, Cullen!" Trevelyan said while laughing. "Well, not that I would mind 'inappropriate' things with you."

"Not…helping, Trevelyan." Cullen said, completely flushed and trying hard not to think about what she just said.

"I know" She added with a grin. "Well, anyway, I just thought that we should enjoy the opportunity to have some time alone. You know how hard it is for us to steal even an hour together. And now you're here, I've been away for weeks, weeks that have been quite shitty, and things weren't really well when I left so, please, Cullen, will you stay? Keep me company? And don't worry, there is a screen over there to make sure you don't accidentally see something… inappropriate."

Alexis had a bright smirk on her face and her eyes were pleading him to stay and, Maker was he a weak man whenever it involved her. He looked up, marveling at the sight of this lovely woman before him, wanting him to stay by her side. And perhaps she wasn't aware of this but she truly only had to ask him and he would do anything for her.

"Of course I'll stay."

Her sly smirk immediately changed into a loving smile and she leaned towards him. Her lips brushed softly against his as she gave him a soft and tender kiss.

"Good. The screen is over there, and if you'd like there is wine in the cabinet near my desk. I, in any case, will take a glass."

"As you wish, my Lady." He gently bowed, loving eyes intent on hers.

Cullen went on to follow her instructions, but not before laying a kiss on her gloved knuckles. This ever so simple and sweet touch along with the intensity of his gaze sent butterflies in Alexis' stomach. She watched as he walked, her eyes roaming over his figure, trailing down his broad shoulders to his waist to the very fine curve of his ass. The memory of their heated embrace in the war room came back to her, setting a burning fire in her veins. They clearly wanted more, yet, Cullen was blushing at the sheer mention of seeing her naked. She even found herself acting very carefully about that matter. She usually wasn't shy about sex. If you could joke with The Iron Bull about sex, you clearly weren't shy about that subject. So why did it seemed so complicated with Cullen? Why was she feeling anxious and way too self-conscious?

Alexis bit her lips and, getting a hold on herself, she looked away. She started to unfasten the straps of her leather armor and soon it joined her coat on the sofa, along with her vambraces and her gloves. In the meantime Cullen had carefully placed the screen near the bathtub and was in the process of pouring them a glass of wine.

She untied the lace holding her hair into a bun and it fell, quite messily, on her shoulders. She searched for her comb at her vanity, Vivienne's latest fantasy. " _Darling, it is past time you take care of yourself properly. I can pardon your unkempt appearance when we are running around in the wilds, 'tis not the case when we are in Skyhold."_ Thus had appeared the vanity along with a wide collection of brushes, make-up and tiny tools Trevelyan had no idea what they were for. She brushed her hair, removing the better part of the knots. Her tresses were falling down to the middle of her back. It had grown within the last months, since her depart from the Free Marches for the conclave. Now that she was giving the subject a thought, it would probably be nice to cut them.

Done with her hair she turned around and saw Cullen. Holding their glasses of wine, he was watching her with a look which would best be described by the word adoration. Trevelyan's cheeks were immediately covered with a light blush as she ambled toward him. She wondered if one day she would get used with the way he looked at her. Because to this day still, a simple gaze from him had the power to make her feel weak in the knees.

"Thanks." She said, taking the glass Cullen was offering her. "Make yourself comfortable."

She kissed the scared corner of his lips and disappeared behind the screen. Deciding to follow her advice, Cullen sat on the sofa. Having first to put some order to her gear, that she had thrown randomly in that general direction. He sank comfortably into the cushions and, after taking a sip from his wine, closed his eyes and sighed in contentment.

"How is the training of the recruits going? Do they know by which end to grip a sword by now?"

Cullen chuckled at Alexis' playful remark. She remembered him complaining about the competences of some of the recruits and using that specific expression.

"Most of them! But yes, overall, things are going better. I'm confident they'll be ready if…" Glancing towards Alexis', Cullen's words died on his lips. The screen was effectively preventing him from seeing her directly, the lighting, on the other hand was doing quite the opposite. The fire and the candles from the other side of the screen were casting their lights in the room, outlining Alexis' silhouette like a perfect shadow play. "if… we have to face a battle."

She had already removed her trousers, revealing long and shapely legs, and was in the process of unfastening her shirt.

"Good. Then now let's just hope we won't need them." She responded as said shirt was dropped onto the floor.

"hmm, yes…"

Cullen's mouth suddenly felt dry and his cheeks aflame. He wanted to look away, he had to. She was unaware he could discern everything she was doing, trace every curve and line of her body, this was wrong. Soon her small clothes joined the pile on the floor and Cullen was still mesmerized by the sight of her shadow moving gracefully before his eyes. Then, she removed her band and Cullen's rational mind and his good manners finally kicked in and he looked away, but not before he caught just a glimpse of her breasts. He sighed, trying to chase that image, that way too tempting and enticing image of her. It suddenly felt hot in the room, too hot and now his clothes were feeling very tight in a very specific area.

Unaware of Cullen's momentary discomfort, Alexis slid into the tub, humming her approval as the warm water engulfed her. It did wonders to help ease the tension in her legs and sooth the soreness of her back. She closed her eyes relishing in the feeling of this moment of peace. It was the simple things, it always was. A warm bath, a glass of wine and the presence of the man who now was holding a special place in her life. She might not be able to see him but he was there, she could _feel_ him.

"This is great. I'm not sure it's really healthy for me to get used to this kind of comfort but, this is really great." Trevelyan said with a smile in her voice, her hand reaching for her glass.

"I'm glad you like it. Though I'll have to take your word on that, I never really had the occasions to enjoy long warm bath."

"Really? I mean, you don't have to be restricted to the standard military issue of two cold pitcher of water over the head in the morning."

Her playful voice brought a smile to Cullen's lips and, focusing on the conversation, he was able to push away the torturing images of Alexis getting undressed before his eyes.

"I'm used to it. And it works for me. The cold water helps... clearing my head in the morning." Chasing the nightmares away was truly what was on his mind each morning.

"Well, if you want to give the warm bath a try, you're welcome to use my quarters! At least that way, your soldiers won't dare come and bother you!"

"Thanks for the offer. And yes, they tend to have a bad timing."

"That's one way to say it!" Alexis said with a laugh, remembering how many times already they had been interrupted. "How is that lad doing, the one who came when we almost kissed for the first time, Jim? "

"He lives, if that's your question. Though, surprisingly, he was very… mindful whenever he came to my office afterwards. Still is, actually."

"Well, in his defense, the way you snapped at him was really scary. You can do scary very well."

"In my defense, I was very frustrated in that moment."

"And… after he left?" Alexis asked teasingly.

"Not anymore."

Her laughter filled the room and it was music to Cullen's heart. The next hour passed by peacefully as they talked and laughed, speaking of light subjects, sharing memories. Only the good ones. Even if for Cullen the last decade were years best forgotten, he found things to share with her, going further away in time, talking about his childhood or his Templar training. Alexis shared the pranks she and Lara pulled off while they were still apprentices in the circle, and he had to admit he was grateful not to have served in Ostwick at that period. They would have driven him mad.

Finally, Alexis got out of the bath and, lesson learned, Cullen kept his eyes away… mostly. A few quick glances were indeed thrown in her direction. Fast enough so he could still pretend he wasn't deliberately peeking, not fast enough so his breath wouldn't catch and his heart wouldn't beat faster.

"Oh, Cullen, could you go to the closet and hand me over something to wear?"

"Yes sure. Do you want something in particular?"

"No, just something comfortable enough so I'll be able to crawl into bed in it."

"Okay, I'll have a look."

How hard could it be to find the right clothes? Apparently much harder than what Cullen would have first thought. Trevelyan's closet was full of various clothes, and he had no idea of what supposedly was the purpose of the majority of those clothes. There was training gear, that he could identify, formal uniforms, those he could identify easily too and there were shirts and trousers, some fitting some loose, and Maker those dresses. How could Trevelyan have so many dresses in her closet when she wore none on a daily basis? Looking more carefully, it quickly downed on him. Fancy and revealing dresses, that had to be Vivienne's doing.

Still shuffling with the dresses Cullen was thinking of asking for a more detailed description than "something comfortable". That's when his gaze landed on what he thought to be a floor length nightgown, and he took it. The fabric was soft and silky underneath his bare fingertips, its color an ivory white. With a smile he thought that it would certainly look perfect on her.

"I believe I got it."

"Good. You can hand it over."

Cullen crossed the room, keeping his gaze down, and passed the gown to Trevelyan, mindful to stay on the good side of the screen. She grabbed it and, to Cullen's surprise, she laughed, sounding very much amused.

"Is there a problem?" He asked sheepishly.

"No! It's not what I had in mind but if it's your choice, I'll wear it."

"Well I thought it was a nightgown and…."

"Oh it is a nightgown alright." She said with mirth in her voice.

"And so what do you usually wear? Because I didn't found anything that seemed more appropriate"

"Usually, just a shirt and loose pants."

"Do you want me to fetch…"

"No, Cullen. It's fine."

Something in the way she almost purred those last words made Cullen think that things weren't as fine as she was saying. Still wondering what could be wrong, he went back to the sofa, waiting for Trevelyan to get dressed.

"So, what do you think of Antivan's fashion when it comes to nightclothes?" She asked casually as she finally walked past the screen and towards him.

"I don't know a thing abou…"

Cullen was at a loss for words the moment his eyes landed on Trevelyan. From their own volition they trailed up and down her body, completely enthralled by the sight of her in this simple and yet perfect attire. The sleeveless and floor length nightgown was fitting her silhouette perfectly, outlining the curve of her hips and the round of her breasts.

"I take it that you like it." She said with a smirk. "I'll make sure to tell Josie how much you appreciated it. She's the one who picked up most of the clothing, this included."

She sat on the couch right next to him, making herself comfortable with an elbow propped on the headrest and her legs folded beneath her on the cushions.

"Don't" Cullen replied with a voice a bit husky "Or this will be the beginning of another one of Josephine and Leliana's endless and merciless teasing. I can already hear Leliana say something about you in a nightgown, or make innuendos about you out of it, and I'll embarrass myself again while trying to reply."

"That sounds about right. But you know, we'll probably have to face comments if… when you and I will push things further. Dorian will probably never let me live through it without asking for details."

What was wrong with her, why was she feeling so uncomfortable with that matter around Cullen? Push things further, really? That's the best she could come up with? Sleep with him wasn't a thing so complicated to say, was it?

"When we… Oh you mean…"

"Yes I mean…" She sighed, running a hand through her still damp hair. She had given some thoughts to what happened between them the last time they were together, too much thought perhaps. "The other day in the war room, what we did, it was nice and I wanted more and it seemed like you did too. Then you left in a rush because you were in pain and I just have no clue of what you go through since you stopped taking lyrium. So, if we can't do anything because of it, because somehow it's painful or brings out the symptoms, just tell me."

"Maker's breath, Alexis, is it really what you think?" Cullen asked, opening wide and astonished eyes.

"I don't know I just thought it might be the case and you'd be afraid to tell me." She said, chewing nervously on her bottom lip.

"Well, stop. It wasn't your fault or anything you did." He paused and brought his hand to her face, cupping her cheek. "These past weeks have been more complicated than usual, that's all. You have to know that I have never wanted anyone in my life like I want you. And yes that includes how much I want you, physically." As he said those words, his warm brown eyes came alive with a repressed desire longing to be unleashed.

"Oh… okay."

Relief washed over her as she could feel the tension ease around the subject, thought it was rapidly replaced by a heated sensation that took over her whole body. Cullen's words, linked with his fierce gaze, were holding such promise she couldn't help put shiver in anticipation. Smiling a bit wickedly to her, Cullen slid his arms around her shoulders and waist and pulled her against his chest. She sank into his embrace, relishing the feeling of his body heat surrounding her and how perfectly she fitted into his arms.

"I know I seem unsure sometimes. It's only because it's been too long since I've wanted anyone in my life, or actually been with someone. Everything feels so different with you, I just want to make things the right way."

"As long as you are here, it's right enough for me."

Alexis' voice was peaceful, reassuring and she snuggled closer to him. He pulled her into his lap and leaned back comfortably against the cushions. They simply rested there, wrapped in each other's arms, Cullen tracing lazy patterns on Alexis' back, she, nuzzling his neck or lazily tangling her fingers in his hair.

For the first time in weeks, Cullen felt relaxed. The headache from this morning was long gone and the feeling of Trevelyan's body fitted against his, a constant reminder that she was alive and that _they_ were real, was everything he had hoped for. And for now, his uncertainty vanished. No more dwelling on how his attention might be unwelcome at times, or how he sometimes couldn't help but wonder if she wanted this as much as he, if she was thinking about having a future with him. No, for tonight, everything was right and he felt happy.

Soon enough, Cullen felt Alexis become heavy and limp in his arms as sleep came to claim her. He cradled her against his chest, making sure she was comfortable and he held her until he was sure she was sleeping soundly. Then, he carried her to the bed where he carefully laid her. She was so beautiful and perfect to him, with her long hair gracefully spilling around her head and her body framed by the silken nightgown. She was vulnerable and feminine. A new side of her which Cullen had come to understand she kept hidden. Careful not to wake her, he lightly stroked her cheek with the back of his hand and she stirred a little, a soft moan escaping her lips. He smiled, and pulled the blanket over her. Certain she was well tucked in, he laid a tender kiss on her forehead and whispered sweet words of his undying affection for her.

That night, back in his own room atop his office, for the first time in weeks, Cullen went to bed with a peaceful mind. As he drifted off to sleep, the only thing missing was Trevelyan cradled in his arms.


	45. Chapter 45

**A/N : Hello everyone! I'm finally able to update the fic. Things have been a bit crazy at home and will continue to be since I will soon move out to another country. So big changes upcoming and a lot of prepration to make! Anyway I wanted to thank everyone who still reads the fic, a big thank you to KittenKakt for the very nice review and a special thumbs up to AdventurousDreamer, my awesome beta-reader. This chapter wouldn't have been the same without your help! And about the chapter, a little warning just in case, there are mentions of physical and psychological abuse. Anyway, I hope you will like it and I hope I'll be able to post the next chapter this week-end, but no promises :)  
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"Good morning."

Trevelyan walked into Cullen's office early that morning, a small and lazy smile playing on her lips and a cup of tea in her hand.

"Good morning inquisitor."

"I got you this. Since I'm fairly sure you skipped breakfast."

She placed the cup in his hands without waiting for a response. It smelled good, a little spicy, and just how he liked it. And he did skip breakfast, work had caught up with him early in the morning. The beverage was still very hot and Cullen nursed the cup in his hands, liking how it warmed his fingers.

"Thank you." He looked up at Trevelyan who was glancing, thought absentmindedly, at his bookshelf. She seemed rested and overall in a far better shape than yesterday when she had returned from the Emerald Graves. "How do you feel this morning, did you sleep well?"

"Yes, I feel better." She said as she came next to him and leaned against his desk. "My shoulder is still hurting when I make wide movements and my back is happy I won't be spending the day on horseback, otherwise I'm good. But I have to admit, I was surprised to wake up this morning in my bed. I didn't remember getting in it, nor you leaving."

"I carried you to bed after you fell asleep in my arms. You seemed so tired I didn't want to wake you when I left."

Holding her while she fell asleep safely in his arms was a memory he would always treasure. Not so long ago, he would never have thought he would one day live such simple and happy moments.

"You should have, perhaps I would have found a way to convince you to stay a while longer."

Trevelyan said it with a little smirk and Cullen couldn't help but laugh.

"And you might have succeeded. You are a temptress whenever you feel like it, and I begin to believe you know how weak I am when it comes to resist you. But, you needed to rest, you didn't need me to overstay my welcome and disturb your sleep."

There was barely a night when Cullen wasn't plagued by nightmares and he was far away from being a sound sleeper. He did not want to make her worry about him. Especially not when, like yesterday, she desperately needed rest.

"Another time then, when disturbing my sleep won't be such an important matter." She said with a smile.

"Another time."

Cullen responded with a smile of his own. As silence fell between them, he took a sip from his cup of tea, enjoying its strong and spicy aroma. When he turned his gaze to Trevelyan he found her once again with her gaze lost and her hands were fidgeting nervously with the hem of her sleeves.

"Alexis, is something wrong?"

"Mmh? Oh, no. Everything is fine." She blurted out a bit rapidly and Cullen raised an eyebrow at her, hinting he wasn't buying it, not for a second. "I…well." She sighed, tucking a loose strand of hair that had escaped her messy bun behind her ear. "There is something I wanted to tell you, before the council."

"You can tell me anything." Cullen said as he placed the tea cup on his desk, looking at her, ready to listen to whatever serious matter she wanted to discuss. Because whatever it was, it sounded serious.

"I know." Trevelyan sighed and her brows furrowed as she was putting order to her thoughts, steeling herself for the conversation to come. "I hate when people dance around an issue too long, and I know you hate that too, so I'll just say it straightforward: Aiden Vannier, he is a red Templar now."

"Maker's breath."

Cullen cursed as plans and questions were already forming in his mind. Truth be told, what Trevelyan just told him did not come as such a surprise. Sure he had hoped they would never have to learn the fate of this man, furthermore if he was alive, given that the better part of the order had been subdued by red lyrium, and that whatever was left was mostly under the banner of the inquisition, Vannier becoming a red Templar had been a safe guess.

"I gather that you crossed paths with him during your mission in the Emerald Graves?"

"Kind of. I found evidence that he was alive in one of the red Templar camps we raided. It led us to another of their stronghold in the Graves. But getting there without being seen had been impossible, because of the giants, and they fled before we could get there. But we saw them, while we were still fighting. I saw _him._ And he saw me _._ "

Cullen's eyes never left Trevelyan as she spoke. She visibly had hardened herself before entering into this conversation because she exposed everything calmly and straight to the fact, not letting her emotions come into the way. Cullen would be lying to himself if he said this news didn't affected him. He knew, first hand, how a psychological trauma could affect someone, and how, sometimes, little things could jog the memories linked to the trauma and how easily it was to lose yourself when it happened. This man, what he did to Trevelyan, it was still haunting her, despite how well hidden and buried she kept it. Having him come back into her life? Being real again rather than some best forgotten part of her past? It was bound to affect her.

"You said you found evidence of his presence?"

Cullen wanted to do something, hold her hand or even take her in his arms, but he decided against it. She wasn't asking to be comforted, not now, she just wanted to get this matter out and he respected that.

"Yes."

A lump formed in Trevelyan's throat as the memories flashed before her eyes. Staying stronger than the feelings threatening to overwhelm her, she choked it down. She glanced in Cullen's direction, though never lingering on him for too long. It felt harder to keep her resolve intact each time she looked at him, and she needed to tell him everything.

"In one of the red templar camp, we found bodies, dead people from which they were growing the red lyrium. In one of the cells there was a woman, dead too but she hadn't been affected by it. She was young, brown hair, she had been flogged and someone had carved the letter 'V' on her shoulder blade. It wasn't hard to figure out that it was he who did it."

"What?" Cullen opened wide and astonished eyes, still having a hard time believing his ears. "That's…horrible." He finally managed to say, his hand coming to rub at the back of his neck as he stood up and began to pace, suddenly feeling too restless to sit idle. "What was it for? Sending some kind of creepy message that you only would understand?"

"What else could it be? He knows I'm the inquisitor and the red Templars were aware of our presence in the Emerald Graves, he had time to plan this for me to see it."

"But why do such a thing? To get to you?"

Fear twisted Cullen's stomach. Something inside him was telling him that this wasn't the last time he would hear of Aiden Vannier and that the man was up to no god. Cullen hated that feeling immediately.

"I suppose. Why exactly, I don't know! Perhaps it's just his own sick way of having fun or he told to whoever he's reporting that he knew me and they figured out it could be a good way to destabilize me."

Cullen sighed heavily, stopped his pacing, and looked at Trevelyan with a serious face. Right now, it was his only way of coping with the situation. Focus on the problem rather than the possible outcome, plan and elaborate a strategy.

"We need to discuss this issue with Leliana and Josephine. This could pose a real threat."

"I know. I realized that and that's why I wanted to tell you personally. I did not want you to learn about it at the council."

Though the subject at hand was unpleasant, Cullen couldn't help but smile a little. She wanted to tell him personally before telling anyone else, wanted to confide in him before bringing the matters before the others. It touched him and made him feel like he was becoming a part of her life.

"What about you? How are you holding up?" He asked as he came closer to her, studying her face, trying to read the emotions she was keeping in check so tightly.

"Honestly? It rattled me. When I saw that girl and what he did to her, I snapped. I looked at all the Templars we killed that day praying he was among them. I told the others that I was upset because it reminded him of what I saw in Redcliffe. I needed time to process everything. And the next day, when I saw him… I wasn't ready. I thought I was but…" she let out a chuckle that sounded grim. "I wasn't. It distracted me and I ended up being injured because of it. Solas, he helped me and I had a few days to think about it. I won't lie, I'm not comfortable with all this. But at least now I know that he's out there and that I could run into him. So as far is this matter goes, I'm still dealing with it but I'm alright."

Trevelyan took a deep breath and looked up at Cullen who was standing in front of her now, his brown eyes full of concern.

"You know I am here for you, whatever you need of me." He said as he softly brought his hand to her face and stroked her cheek.

"I know."

She smiled tentatively but it didn't last and though she did not recoil from his touch, she did not lean into it either. She would always lean into his touch or show somehow that she welcomed it.

"Is something wrong?"

"Actually, there is something else I wanted to tell you."

"I am listening."

She crossed her arms around her as if to shield herself and she avoided his gaze. Her throat felt suddenly tight and fear settled in her stomach. As soon as she had taken the decision to talk about all this because of the threat it posed, she had known she needed to tell the truth to Cullen about what truly happened between her and Knight-captain Aiden. Because one way or another, she knew that fragment of her past would come back to the light of day. Better it be on her own terms. But it didn't make the confession easier, and preparing herself to face the conversation was proving of no help now that she was in front of him and he was looking at her with such affection and concern.

"I didn't say anything before because it wasn't relevant. Besides, you didn't ask and it wasn't something I just casually talk about, so it was better as it was, left in the past. But I suppose that now it might explain part of what is happening."

She bit her lower lip, gathering the courage to tell him. Her demeanor was making Cullen as nervous as she was and she imagined that right now he was making wild speculations about what she was about to stay. It was better for the both of us that she ended this insufferable wait now.

"Shortly after Aiden arrived at the Ostwick Circle to be Knight-captain, I believe it was a couple of months after, we started to see each other."

Incomprehension painted Cullen's face. Even after the meaning of Trevelyan's words dawned on him, he quite couldn't wrap his head around what she just said.

"I thought you said he was violent with mages?"

She propped herself up from his desk and it was her turn to pace nervously as she took a few steps away from Cullen, unable to stand the look of pure confusion and shock on his face.

"He wasn't like that at first. Rather the opposite. He was charming and fun, we used to meet randomly during the day and he would always have something interesting to say about my studies and he gave me a few tips about combat training, since he knew I was to become a knight-enchanter. He was a few years older than me but he was curious and intelligent. Always exercising his sharp mind. I don't know why but he took an interest in me, and after some time, he began flirting with me whenever he could. I was past my harrowing, and since Lydia was my mentor, nobody blinked when I decided to follow her path as a knight enchanter. It was common knowledge she was grooming me to assume her post in the circle, which meant I could pretty much practice and study whatever I wanted. I, of course, had my own plans. At that time I was working really hard on my knight-enchanter techniques. I was studying whatever the Circle had to teach me because I was very determined to not spend the rest of my life there." She looked at Cullen with no regrets on her face. She wanted to be free and with the knowing look he gave her, she felt he understood her desire for it. Even if it meant apostasy and becoming a fugitive.

She continued. "Aiden was nice with me, and it seemed like a good distraction from my work. We spent time together. Always in between my training and his rotation. He wouldn't allow whatever we had to interfere with his duty. Stolen glances and kisses. I liked him, there was even the possibility that I could have loved him at some point."

Cullen held his breath and kept level. He gave her the opening to tell her story, she felt safe enough to share it with him. Therefore, he would not let show how much his heart ached with jealousy over what she had just said. He knew that whatever they have now is unique and treasured by her, completely different than what she had experienced in the past. This story was in the past.

Alexis noticed how quiet Cullen had become. But she knew she couldn't stop. "We never went as far as being intimate. But one day, I don't know why, he changed. Either something happened, or maybe it was all an act on his part from the start, but he changed. Wanted me to do as he said. The only important thing was what he wanted. For me to stop studying as hard as I did, he wanted to control how I looked, I couldn't wear my training gear when I wanted to, I had to wear what he thought was appropriate, be a nice girl and wear robes, all sort of things like that. At first I may even had agreed with him. I liked what we had so far. I thought maybe something was bothering him, so I humored him from time to time, we make small concessions when in a relationship, so why not? But it was never enough. After a time, I resumed doing as I pleased and we began to argue, constantly."

Alexis took a deep breath, glancing in Cullen's direction. He was watching her and though he still seemed a little confused, he was listening to her, simply waiting for her to share whatever she wanted about this part of her life.

"There was this one fight, I don't remember what it was about. I simply left before he was done yelling at me for whatever it was I did that he didn't like. I went to train and when I was done he went to the common washroom. He followed me there. We were alone. He said we needed to talk, that excuses needed to be made. I remember saying he was the one who needed to apologize for how he was acting. He wanted it to be the other way around." Alexis let out a mirthless laugh.

"By this time I was done trying to make things right or try to be nice. It was not in me to be as he wanted me to be. I believe no one would have ever been. So, I ended it. I told him to get out and made clear that whatever we had between us was over. He wasn't pleased. He grabbed me, pulled me to him and said that _we_ were far from over. He… tried to force himself on me. I guess he wasn't expecting me to fight back the way I did. I nearly knocked him out and I ran. It was my luck he wasn't wearing armor. After that, well, you already know what happened."

She looked down at her feet, not trusting herself enough at that moment to meet Cullen's eyes and face whatever clues about his reaction they might hold. The silence began to stretch between them and she knew she would not stand it for long. She was about to angrily tell him that he had to say something when he finally broke the silence lingering between them.

"We will find him." Cullen said his resolve clear in his voice. "We will do whatever it takes but we will not let him threaten you and not retaliate." Slowly, as if not to rush her, he came close to Trevelyan and laid his hands on her shoulder. "I promise you."

"So, you don't believe it's my fault?" Her voice was hopeful yet unsure and she decided to meet his eyes.

"Why would I ever believe that what happened could be your fault?" Cullen said, completely bewildered.

"Because that's what some people thought."

"Why? He is the one who lied and deceived you. Manipulated you! Maker, he tried to… How could anyone think it might be your fault?"

"You wouldn't believe what I heard about all this." She snickered, though rather darkly. "That, somehow, I asked for it, or that with my tendency to open my mouth and stand up to Templars, I deserved it. And all sorts of things like that."

Cullen couldn't help but shake his head in disbelief. How could anyone think that about what happened to Alexis was beyond him. He brought his hand to her cheek, softly cupping it, unable to feel her skin through his leather gloves yet sure of how soft it would feel underneath his calloused fingers.

"I hope you do know that whoever said that, they couldn't be more wrong, do you?"

"Usually I did not give a damn about what people said but I've had so many different reactions that honestly I can't predict what one person might think! That's part of the reason why I left this part of my life where it belongs, in the past. And because it's just not a pleasant topic for me."

"I understand. I am sorry you had to go through all this again, that it forced you to talk about it. But I'm glad you trust me enough to tell it to me, and Alexis, I am here for you, no matter what. I will do whatever it takes to stop him and he will be sorry for ever hurting you."

Relieving your worse torment was something Cullen was used to and he had grown to accept it, to live with it. He would bear their weights through the night and chase them away in the morning. He had endured it so far and would continue to do so. Yet, the knowledge of Alexis going through a similar ordeal was insufferable. He slid his arm around her waist and the hand he had on her cheek went to the back of her head as he pulled her against him. She sank into his embrace, bunching her hands into the fabric of his cloak as she her head came to rest on his shoulder.

"What if we can't find him. What if I run into him again or he leaves a trail, like he did last time, just so he can play his sick game with me, make sure that I can't forget him. What if it's my fault…"

Her voice faltered. Cullen's embrace, his kindness and the way he swore to protect her, was tearing her barriers down as her eyes were filled with tears that had remained unshed for too long.

"Hey, no, don't go there, this is not your fault." Cullen whispered softly to her ear, tucking her head underneath his chin, cradling her tightly in his arms.

"I thought I would be ready, I thought I had put all this behind me. But I haven't… I am not ready and I don't know if I will be next time."

"And no one will blame you for that."

"You don't understand. When I saw him, everything around me faded out and it's as if I was back there, I could feel the burning pain on my back, the cuffs holding my wrists and his hands on me. I couldn't do anything."

Cullen couldn't help but shiver at her words and an unpleasant feeling settled in his heart while his guts were twisted by both fear and anger. He knew he was threading on thin ice with what was on his mind, but with everything she had said so far, he needed to know. He wanted their relationship to last and if they were to become intimate one day, he needed to know. He would never forgive himself if somehow he did something wrong by her, especially in a private moment.

"Did he…force himself on you that day?"

Cullen felt Alexis tense between his arms and he feared the worst. She sighed, and started to pull away and Cullen was about to take his words back and apologize when she spoke again. She was still in his arms, standing straight as if she was refusing to face this memory with any other sign of weakness but the silent tears in her eyes.

"No, and there were times when I wondered why he didn't rape me. I thought a lot about what he did that day and I guess that for him, it wasn't about forcing himself on me and be done with it. He wanted me to break, it was all about the threat of the pain and the threat of what he would do to me, push one way then the other and see which would have me begging him to stop." She paused, taking the time for her words to sink in, or perhaps to ease the quivering in her voice. "I don't remember how it ended. I just know that at some point I couldn't handle it. I couldn't refrain myself from screaming in pain or crying out for him to stop. After that, I blacked out. When I woke up, hours had passed. A healer had taken care of me, but they told me that, for some of the injuries, it was too late to close them properly and it would leave scars."

A tear fell from her eyes and Cullen wiped it with his thumb as it rolled down her cheek. He was impressed by the way she was able to pick herself up. She had been the victim of a madman and though she was deeply marked in and out by what he did to her, she refused to let it dictate how she led her life. It wasn't unlike him, as he had suffered an ordeal of his own and, though it had taken time, he also had learned how to get past it. And just like her, there were times where the past caught up with him and all there was to do is hold on to himself because the suffering would never disappear completely.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to bother you with all this. I guess it just needed to come out." Trevelyan said while wiping the rest of her tears away and holding back a sob.

"Alexis, do not think for a second that you are bothering me. You are not and I am here for you."

"I just… Cullen, I don't know what to do, I just feel so helpless."

And with that final admission, she could no longer fight the fear and the pain she had endured in silence and kept at bay for the last days. Staying strong more than she could bear. Tears welled up in her eyes and this time they there was no holding them back. She cried and Cullen held her. He pulled her closer to him, his arms wrapped around her and he simply held her through all the sobs and the tears. And she held on to him like he was her only lifeline. She buried her face in the crook of his neck, the fur of Cullen's mantle shielding her from the bite of his breast plate.

They simply stayed there for long minutes, until Alexis' tears ran dry and her shoulders were no longer shaking from her sobs. Then, Cullen brought one of his hands to her head and he gently stroked her hair, he leaned his head against hers and, softly, he told her that it was alright to cry, that she could always show her weaknesses to him, he would never think less of her and he would always be there for her. He kissed her temple and he told her that never in his life had he met a woman more beautiful or remarkable than her, and no tears or fears would ever change that.


	46. Chapter 46

**A/N: Hello everyone! I know it's monday but here comes this week-end's update :) I wanted to say thank you to Kiyannah and OceanAmber for their lovely reviews. The last chapter was a really difficult one to write and I am so so so happy to know that you loved it! And of course thanks to all of you who are reading this fanfiction. I hope you wil enjoy this chapter, it's NSFW-ish because the last one was rather depressing and I thought it was time to have some fluff and a tiny bit of smutt!**

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"I didn't find more information on the whereabouts of the red Templars which left the Emerald Graves shortly before you. There have been too many troop movements in the area. But I have begun to dig deeper in the life of Aiden Vannier, if there is leverage in his life that we can use, I will find it."

Leliana said as she picked up her glass of wine on the table and took a small sip. They were sitting in the garden with Trevelyan, enjoying the warm rays of the sun and a small moment of reprieve. It had become some kind of ritual between the two women when both could spare some time late at afternoons. To everyone it seemed like an idle chat between the Inquisitor and her Seneschal, and it often was. They would also discuss important matters, seen but unheard by the people around them. Sometimes, the best way to keep a secret was to hide it in plain sight.

"Thank you Leliana. I appreciate all your efforts."

"Protecting you from unknown threats is part of my work as your spymaster. And this man clearly is one."

"Unknown threats? Tell me, just how many contracts on my life have you found? Or more, accurately, how many of these very special crows have fallen down Skyhold's battlements?" Trevelyan said in jest.

"Strangely, not as much as I would have thought at first."

Leliana had a wicked smile on her lips and Trevelyan responded with a mischievous grin.

"The contracts or the crows?"

"Oh, both."

They both laughed, and for Alexis it was good to laugh about something that was meant to scare her. It made her feel daring and she desperately needed it after spending the last days dwelling about her past and the fears it entailed.

"On another subject, I received news from one of my agents in the Free Marches, he found a strong lead regarding your friend's child and he is following it as we speak. Apparently the boy was sent to a Chantry orphanage in Hasmal. Children born from a mage parent were always sent to a chantry near a circle, in case they later prove also to be a mage. We'll know more once my agent reaches the city."

"Hasmal is near the Nevarran border, it will take more than a week to get there from Ostwick. I'll probably be long gone when you will receive news from your agent, as I hope to depart for the Western Approach with Hawke and Stroud in the next days. Will you send word to keep me updated on the matter?"

"Of course. Should my agent find the boy, would you want me to inform the parents?"

"If you are absolutely sure you found him and that your agent is on its way to Skyhold with the child, yes. Otherwise, wait. I told Lara of your progress, but I don't want to give her false hope by talking too soon. And Ian, he may have been a fine Templar but he was never good at keeping a secret, and since he and Lara are talking again, it's risky."

"Very well."

For a moment, Alexis mused about the future, of Lara reunited with her child and to what would happen to the mages once this war is over, once there is a new divine. Of course, the fate of the mages would really depend on who it is. And she couldn't help but be weary of what would happen.

She glanced around and her eyes landed on Morrigan and her son, Kieran. She knew little else about the witch aside from what Morrigan herself had said and what Leliana had shared. Something was certain; the woman was shrouded in both mystery and power. Trevelyan was curious about her but she sensed it would prove difficult to have more than a few casual chats with her, aside from the matters related to the Inquisition where Morrigan's knowledge could come in handy.

"Morrigan remained somewhat of an enigma, even to Elissa, the Hero of Ferelden. And they were friends, or Morrigan was as much of a friend to Elissa as she could ever be." Leliana spoke, aware of where exactly Trevelyan's thoughts had wandered.

"Yet you truly think she is on our side."

"I do. Morrigan may have her secrets, but helping Corypheus isn't one of them. And she has knowledge that will certainly help us."

"I suppose we'll see soon enough about that." Trevelyan said while drinking from her glass of wine, her gaze drifting off from Morrigan to aimlessly wander around the garden.

"On another topic, I acquired the plants you asked for. I took the liberty of sending them, along with some equipment I gathered should be of need, to your quarters."

"Why do I get the feeling you already know what I was planning to do with those plants?" Trevelyan arched a brow towards Leliana and the spymaster grinned widely in response. She indeed had asked Leliana to provide her with various plants she needed to make contraceptive infusions but never told of their purpose.

"A woman should always be ready to face any situation. I too, have use of this specific potion from time to time. And you are right to take precautions for when you and Cullen are finally going to make it into the bedroom."

"What makes you think we haven't made it to the bedroom?" Alexis said, aware that when Leliana was involved, it was better to play along.

"Oh please, I would know if it was the case! You still look at him with a hunger that holds too many questions and anticipation, and Cullen? He needs to exercise far too much self-control and restraint to not stare whenever you bend over the war table."

"Maker's balls." Alexis said while laughing. "Why do I get the feeling that my relationship with Cullen will involve a lot of scrutiny and speculation? And I'm not talking about you and Dorian here, you two are the worst, or best, depending on the point of view, gossips I have ever met."

"Is it so hard to understand people taking interest? A slow burn between the Inquisitor and her commander, she the inspiring leader blessed by the Maker, he, the general of her army…"

"Stop, you make it sound awfully like the story of Andraste and Maferath, don't you dare going down that path!" Trevelyan said, refraining herself from rolling her eyes.

"What is it then, the forbidden romance between a mage and a Templar who found themselves free of the shackles of the order and the circle and gave into temptation?"

"You really thought this through, haven't you?"

Leliana giggled, hiding her lopsided grin behind her glass.

"You two are trying so hard to be private with your affair, resisting the temptation of teasing both of you is one I cannot resist. And yes, of course your involvement will attract some unwanted attention, and jealousy. Not everyone will see your romance in a good light."

"What do you mean by that?"

Trevelyan asked, glancing at the spymaster. She was aware of her lack of real experience regarding serious and long lasting relationship and Leliana had always offered her sound advices.

"You both have become public figures. You are at the head of an organization whose influence will soon reach all of Thedas, and you are on the path to become the hero of the war against Corypheus. Cullen is leading an army growing by the minute and who could soon rival any nation. Both your hands are courted. You remember the marriage proposals Cullen received after the ball at the Winter Palace? There has been more. And many nobles who come to Skyhold to meet with you and support the inquisition truly hope to catch your personal interest. The people seeking your favor as well as Cullen's won't be too happy to learn of your affair."

"Well, I guess it just means that we have to remain careful and keep or private affair, private."

"You and Cullen also need to be ready to face those reactions as well as the challenges your relationship will entail. There are many obstacles you'll have to face. Considering how you both are very stubborn and that you both faced rough times in your past, you are bound to hit more than a few dents along the road."

"Yes I have come to realize that recently."

Trevelyan let out a resigned sigh. She and Cullen would face more trials in the future. Denying it would only make facing those trials harder. The real question was, how damaging could it be for their relationship?

* * *

Cullen was on his way to his tower after overseeing the training of the recruits for the whole afternoon. It was important to him to be the kind of leader that was involved in the daily routine of the army and have an active part in the training of his men. Now, he had to address the duty roster for the patrols as well as the reports from their outposts. This very thought was on his mind when his eyes landed on a figure that had become all too familiar in the last months. Duty could wait a few more minutes.

A smile painted itself on Cullen's lips as he walked towards Trevelyan. She was tending to her horse. A task any stable boy would normally handle but she liked to do it herself. She said to him once that it reminded her of the good times she spent home and that the task itself was appeasing. Taking care of Snowflake helped her clear her mind. Varric was the one who named, or rather nicknamed, the proud beast and, in the end, it simply stuck. Just like the rest of the dwarf's nickname really.

Trevelyan didn't seem to have noticed his approach for now and he gazed at her discreetly for a short moment. She had gathered her hair in a high ponytail and Cullen guessed she must have cut them a little because it only reached the base of her neck rather than between her shoulder blades. She was dressed in a very simple and casual way, with brown ankle boots, dark and fitting trousers and a loose grey blouse that revealed part of her left shoulder. If Vivienne saw her on her way to the stable, Cullen was sure she must have thrown a fit of distaste. Dressed like she was, there was no trace of the inquisitor, no evidence of the famous Herald of Andraste or sign of the noble lady. The way she looked right now she was more like the daughter of a farmer or of some horse master who had a tomboy side. She was humming a song that sounded joyous, singing a couple of lyrics from time to time.

Images immediately flashed in Cullen's mind. He saw Alexis, a couple of years from now, caring for her horse, just like her present self. Instead of Skyhold's battlements there was countryside and the stables changed into a house much like the one where he grew up. A dog, a mabari of course, came towards her, barking happily and began to jump around the horse which remained unflappable, accustomed with the dog's presence. He saw himself, coming from behind her and wrapping his arms around her waist, making her smile. And he saw a little blond head running towards them until it was tangled in their legs. Laughing, he picked the child up in his arms. It was a little girl with long and wavy hair, the same color as her father, and eyes like shinning sapphires, just like her mother.

As quickly as it had appeared, the vision faded but it left Cullen with a strange unknown feeling weighing in his heart. Never before had he dreamed of such future, visions of domesticity and peaceful life. And a child? Had he once in his life ever considered having a child? As far as his memory could go back, the answer always came back negative. For so long he had considered his life would be solely devoted to his duty to the Maker and to the Templar order and that it would one day end in its service. Joining the inquisition had completely turned the tables of his future, yet, Cullen hadn't quite fully realized that until now, focused only on the war at hand. But what about after?

He quickly chased away these thoughts. There was still so much to be done, so many lives depending on their actions. Alexis, more than anyone else, was facing dangers that could cost her life. Losing her would be unbearable, but losing her when he had allowed himself to think about a bright and happy future with her, he wasn't sure if he could survive it. Yet, these images were there now, what was he supposed to do to forget them?

Focusing back on his present, he came closer to Trevelyan, purposefully making his approach non discreet as not to startle her.

"I never heard you sing before."

"Hey you." She glanced in his direction, smiling. "Oh it's been a long time since I truly sang anything. I just had that melody in my head."

"From what I've heard you must have a lovely singing voice."

"Flatterer." She said with a grin. "And you sing far better than I do."

"When did you hear me sing?" He asked with a frown.

Cullen did not sing often. Like anyone else he learned the hymns from the chant of light and he remembered being complimented on his voice by one or two chantry sisters back in his early days in Kinloch Hold. But singing wasn't something he did casually or for his own amusement.

"After Haven. I know that pretty much everybody was singing and looking at me and I'm certain I was going to die from embarrassment if Solas hadn't come to rescue me, but I heard you. You weren't that far away from me."

"Oh, right." Cullen's hand came to rub the back of his neck. She must have had paid special attention to him in that moment. He knew Alexis must have had caught an interest in him some time before they acknowledged their feelings for each other but it still made him feel a bit warm inside to know she had listened to him in particular.

"That song you were humming, I believe I never heard it before." He said, shifting the focus of the conversation back to her.

"I honestly don't know where it comes from. We often sang it in the mercenary company I was in after the circles rebelled."

"Let me guess, drinking song?"

"Pretty much yes." She said with laughter in her voice.

"You were there to escape the conflict between mages and templars, if I remember right. It must have been a huge change from the circle."

"It was. The first couple of weeks were rather difficult. I had to adapt quickly to a life with a lot less comfort than what I was used to. At least it prepared me for all the travels I have to make now."

Alexis had finished taking care of Snowflake and she led the horse back to his stall, Cullen following next to her as they entered the stables.

"I know some of the techniques you use aren't taught in the circle. You picked them up there?"

"Yes. The Iron Fist leader, Damian Lockhart, trained me a lot while I was with them. I already knew how to fight before and could handle myself rather well in combat, but the close combat and some dirty tricks, as Bull call it, I learned from him."

"Dirty tricks?" Cullen asked, raising an eyebrow at her.

"Even against chunky big guys who would normally overpower a woman, she needs to keep her edge. So… dirty tricks. If you're curious I can always show you if we hit the spar ring together."

She winked at him in a very playful way and, though her demeanor clearly meant her proposition would be the death of him, or of his sanity. Cullen, had already admitted to himself before, he was a weak man whenever Trevelyan was involved.

"You definitely make me curious."

They reached the stall and Alexis closed the door once her horse had entered it. She turned to Cullen, quickly glanced around and, as no one was near them, she slid her arms around his neck and she kissed him. Softly at first, than a little more hungrily as she had planned. Cullen groaned in surprise but leaned into her kiss, returning it with as much passion and need. They parted, breathless and her lips were still brushing against his when she spoke.

"I thought you were going to be caught up with training and paperwork all day."

"Right now, I believe I should be reviewing the missions' assignments."

"And instead you're here with me? My, Commander, you are quite distracted today." She said playfully.

"You are quite a distracting sight."

"I can return the compliment. Because I'm fairly certain that if I stay here with you, I'm going to be late to my meeting with Josephine."

Her lopsided grin was a testimony that she wasn't bothered, at all, at being delayed by him.

"Boring requests from even more boring nobles?"

"Something like that. But stealing time with you sounds far more interesting. And given how busy we have been with work these past days, and that I am leaving soon for the Western Approach, I'd say we both earned a little break, breach in protocol, distraction?"

"I suppose we have."

Cullen said, unable to shake the feeling of loss her words had immediately elicited in him. Soon she would be gone for several weeks as she traveled across Orlais to reach the farthest region of the empire. She hadn't left Skyhold and he already missed her terribly.

Alexis caught his trouble the moment it painted a shadow over his face and, softly, she traced the strong line of his cheek, his stubble scratching at her fingertips.

"Hey, where have you gone?"

"Nowhere as far as you'll be in a few days." Cullen said in earnest, his eyes settled on her, his jaw a little clenched as he realized just how afraid he was to see her leave again.

"I'm here for now, so let us enjoy the moments we have together. And so you know, I am not thrilled to leave and I'll be counting the days separating us with a heavy heart."

"That will make two of us."

Cullen tightened his grip on her hips and he drew her close until she was flush against him. He couldn't have enough of her in his life or in his arms and, not for the first time, he cursed his armor that was keeping them even so little apart.

"Cullen Rutherford, you are making it really hard for me to do my job." She said playfully as she leaned her forehead against his, her arms still wrapped around his neck. "And you know what? I wouldn't want it any other way. I'd rather endure your absence than not being able to do _this_ when I come home."

And with those words she kissed him, pressing her lips gingerly against his. It was soft and tender and but a glimpse of what was truly burning in both their minds. Then, Alexis bit his lower lip, making Cullen groan, and she tangled her fingers in his hair. His breathing was rapidly increasing and he wound his arms around her as he coaxed her lips open, sliding his tongue into the deep of her mouth. It was now a searing kiss Cullen was giving her, expressing just how much he needed her, how badly he wanted her.

Not letting her slip from his grasp for a second, Cullen pushed her in the far corner of the stables where the hay was stacked. A bale of straw was missing, creating a perfect spot, hiding them from prying eyes. Alexis let out a small laugh when she found herself rather efficiently pinned there by Cullen's body, how inappropriate their actual situation was not escaping her. The inquisitor and her commander having a tumble in the hay? This was one story Varric would better never hear of.

They were both breathless, yet unable to tear their mouth away from each other longer than for a stolen intake of breath. Alexis felt lightheaded and more and more aflame with each of his touch, each brush of his lips on her skin. If Cullen wasn't pressing her flush against him, she felt like her knees might fail her and she would crumble on the floor. She was dying to feel him, every part of him, she had been for some time now. And she was also painfully aware that this little heated embrace would be just that. Just enough to vent part of their frustration, express their need for each other but not entirely fulfilling any of their yearning desires. The worst part was that she had no idea how to truly express her desires to Cullen. She wanted him, like she never had wanted any man in her life. She would sometimes wake at night, the lingering images of Cullen in her dreams powerful enough to make her wet and aching for him. And if she listened to the fire burning in her veins she would have him, right there, right now.

The truth was that she was unable to, because at the same time, her heart was lost in a maddening maelstrom of emotions and thoughts, they overwhelmed her. What if she did something wrong, something he wasn't comfortable with, what would he think of her? Were all these questions troubling her because above any desire and feeling of lust, she loved him? It had to be, hadn't it? Because the more days passed, the lesser she could hide that truth from herself: she loved Cullen. And for the first time in her life, those words had a real and genuine meaning.

Her hands were tangled in the cloth of his mantle at his shoulders, her fingernails scraping at his breastplate when all she wanted to feel was the ripped muscle underneath it.

"I hate your armor. You know that?" Alexis was looking at him with a gaze where the icy blue of her eyes couldn't hide the fire of her desire any longer, her nails still trailing down his armor, scratching it as if she could cut through the metal with this simple gesture.

"You probably won't believe me but I had the same thought just minutes ago."

Cullen said, his voice a bit husky as he traced the sharp line of her cheek with his gloved fingers. When his thumb brushed over her swollen lips Alexis nipped it playfully, capturing the leather of his gloves between her teeth. Long and deft fingers settled around his wrist then stroked his palm as she peeled the offending glove off.

"I am considering keeping this hostage because I probably hate your gloves more than your armor."

She waved the glove before him with a wicked smile on her lips before tucking it in her belt behind her back.

"Should I wait for a ransom demand? Or will I need to rescue it from your grasp?"

Playing along with her little game, Cullen leaned towards her, cupping her cheek with his bare hand. His lips were a mere breath away from hers, teasing and yet not claiming her.

"It depends. What are you planning to do know?"

Cullen gave her a wolfish grin and his lips brushed over hers before he laid a kiss at the corner of her mouth then trailed down the long column of her throat, gently bit at the soft skin of her neck and ended on her exposed shoulder.

Alexis' breath hitched in her throat, her eyes went shut, and her hips rolled against him from their own volition. It could have been an almost innocent reaction, if it hadn't allowed her to feel just how aroused Cullen was right now. Only encouraged by her reaction, Cullen pinned her with his body, and this time she couldn't help the moan that escape her lips when she felt him rock hard and pressing against her core. Her hand delved into his hair as she brought his mouth back onto hers and kissed him desperately, muffling both their cries of pleasure. As Cullen continued to press against her, rocking his hips even so slightly, she lifted one of her legs, allowing him even closer to her despite the annoying layers of clothes between them. She wrapped her arm around his shoulder for purchase and Cullen's hands trailed down her side then along the curve of her ass and finally stroking the back of her thigh as he held her leg at his hip.

She could feel heat coiling between her legs and the dampness of her own arousal leaving her with only one burning need, to take Cullen inside her, to finally feel him sheathed in her, filling her completely. She wanted him so badly it hurt. They parted, breathless, from their kiss, and Alexis laid her head in the crook of his neck, while Cullen released his grip on her leg. It hurt even more with the knowledge of the pending frustration of having those needs denied, again.

"You're going to be the death of me." Cullen whispered into her ear as he tenderly wrapped his arms around her waist, one hand resting between her shoulder blades, holding her close to him as they tried to regain their breath. Just like her, he was painfully aware this heated moment couldn't go further. Not now, not right here.

"If by that you mean what Orlesians call ' _the little death'_ , I would have been so happy to oblige." Alexis said as a groan of frustration came past her lips.

"Maker's breath! You're not helping here, Trevelyan." Trying to repress his desires and regain some control over the needs of his body was hard enough for Cullen without Alexis talking about making him climax.

"Sorry. Don't mind me. I just need to go splash cold water over my head."

"I think I just might need that too, actually."

* * *

 **A/N : I had to mention Cullen singing because knowing how beautifully Greg Ellis sings, I can't help but have the feeling that we should have had more of that in game! Also, just in case some of you are curious, in french "the little death" really is a poetic way of talking about an orgasm.**


	47. Chapter 47

**A/N : Hello everyone. Sorry it took me so long to update the fic! I had a crazy week. I wanted to thank KittenKakt for the super nice review, I am so so so happy to know that you like the story/plot I added. And thank you to everyone who is still reading this fic and for all the favs and follows I received this week! I probably won't be able to update the story this week-end (lots of events in my personnal life that are coming in the way, I hope it will calm down by next week) Oh and, just a small warning, there is a nsfw-ish moment in this chapter ;)  
**

* * *

Days passed by slowly in Skyhold, and with each day Cullen's heart grew heavy. He buried himself into his work, trying to forget an emptiness left both by Alexis' departure and the lack of lyrium in his veins. The migraines were becoming worse, some days lingering at the edge of his consciousness, other times drowning him completely and hitting him so hard he couldn't stand being directly in the light of day. So, he would lock himself in his office and deal with as much paperwork as he could.

He held on tightly on those days when he actually wasn't suffering from any symptoms of his withdrawal. Treasuring them like tokens of proof that he was on the right path. Those days, he found himself outside more often, even socializing from time to time.

He was on the battlements once, gazing longingly in the distance, his thoughts erasing the remaining distance with the day of Trevelyan's return, imagining the horses of her party crossing the bridge. Light but non-discrete footsteps approached him and Cullen turned his gaze to Josephine, strolling towards him.

"Cullen, there you are."

"Is there something you needed ambassador?"

"Please, just Josephine, I am not here on official matters."

"Right, Josephine. What can I do for you?"

"Tis rather what I can do for you." She said as she presented him with a neatly folded and sealed letter. "It just arrived accompanying the official reports from the inquisitor's party and I suspected you wished to have it immediately."

Cullen took it, unable to withhold his smile for he knew perfectly what it was, a letter from Alexis, the first since she left Skyhold over a week ago.

"Thank you Josephine."

Cullen said as his thumb traced the rim of the seal, the Trevelyan's seal, a horse head and the family motto circling it _Modest in Temper, Bold in deed._ She always used the inquisition seal for her reports, the fact that she chose not to use it for her personal correspondence filled his heart with a joyous feeling, for she had willingly chosen to write to him, not as the inquisitor, but as the woman underneath it. He was thinking about excusing himself and leaving to indulge himself in the pleasure of reading Alexis' words when he heard a little but distinct squeal coming out from the, most of the time, very dignified ambassador. A brow quirked in a puzzled expression, he looked at Josephine.

"Sorry. But it's good to see you smile once in a while. You have been positively broody since the inquisitor left. I am just happy that you two found each other."

"Hum… thanks." He said, his hand rubbing a bit nervously at the back of his neck. Aside from the occasional teasing from Bull or Dorian, no one had really commented on his relationship with Alexis. At least not in front him and he wasn't sure how exactly he was supposed to respond.

"I shall leave you to her letter. You must be dying to read it." She sauntered a few steps away from him before turning around in an elegant sweep of her golden ruffles. "By the way, I almost forgot to tell you, you have an appointment with the tailor tomorrow morning!"

"I knew there was a catch!"

"Don't be like that! It's not for formal outfits this time!"

Cullen wanted to ask what she had in mind but Josephine disappeared down the stairs, her giggle echoing long after she had disappeared from his sight. There was always a catch with those women.

More days passed by and slowly and painfully turned into weeks. After sending his response to Trevelyan's letter, Cullen found himself awaiting anxiously for just any news from her. He couldn't quite believe it was possible to miss someone this badly, to fear for her and to pray every day that she would stay safe, that she would come back.

Cullen had also thought that with Alexis being away, he wouldn't feel so keenly how much he wanted her, how he was craving to finally feel her and touch her underneath it all, without any barrier or mask on. To simply be with her, Alexis, and to be just Cullen, just the man he was underneath the armor, if such a man still existed somewhere. Well, if he first thought distance would help, he soon realized how very wrong he was. Cullen had never considered himself to have a very high sex drive. He did not shy away from a pleasant opportunity, yet he never sought actively to fulfill such needs. But Maker, what that woman was doing to him! The simple thought of her teasing smile or the sheer memory of her lips on his skin could make him ache for her.

One sleepless night, he was lying on his bed, unable to steer his thoughts away from her, his mind drifted away to wild fantasizes of her writhing underneath him and crying out his name in the highs of passion.

Cullen tried to push away these images. He buried his head into his pillow as his mind battled the burning needs of his body. And despite an iron will like no other, in the end, he couldn't help but surrender to the searing desires Alexis elicited in him.

He lied on his back, his hand dipping beneath the sheets to find his sex already full. He began with slow strokes, immediately imagining it was Alexis' long and deft fingers wrapped around his cock. She would be kneeling between his legs, looking at him with lust-filled eyes, biting her lower lip, being shy to reveal just how perfectly she knew what she was doing. And in his mind she gathered a drop of pre-cum on the pad of her thumb and with deliberately slow brushes she spread it over the head of his cock as Cullen found himself mimicking how his fantasy was playing himself.

He pulled her down to him for a searing kiss before making her lie on the sheets next to him and as she set a faster rhythm with her hand he began to thrust his hips forward, meeting her strokes. His eyes not leaving hers, he let her play just a while longer. Feeling his control wavering from her attentions, he gripped her wrist and freed himself from her most delicious grip. As he made her lie on her back, his hand slowly made its way between her legs. Cullen grinned to find her so wet and ready for him. He slid, oh so easily, one finger into her and a moan of pleasure came past her lips. A second finger joined the first one and her hips bucked a little and she arched her back when he began to thrust them inside her, slowly at first. When his thumb found her clit and he began to work it with slow circles, she gripped the sheets over her head unable to withhold her cries.

Working himself with a fast rhythm now, Cullen's thoughts were overwhelmed by his fantasy, with her image, his mind making up for the parts of her body he had never seen naked. He knew the creamy length of her shapely legs, arms with discreet but well defined muscles, hints of carved muscles on her stomach and he could remember the softness of the skin on her back being just a little uneven where she had her scars. He imagined the soft swell of her naked breasts, the rosy nipples and how it would feel like to have her legs wrapped around him.

When his fantasy lover was panting heavily from his ministrations, he placed himself between her spread legs and sank into her. Cullen was unable to imagine what it would truly feel like to be with Alexis in such an intimate way, but something deep inside him was telling him it would be like nothing else he had known before. Right now, he was left with only his imagination, and Maker forgive him for thinking of Alexis in such a raw and primal way, but his desire for her overcame him. His hand setting a furious rhythm, he imagined taking her just the same way, roughly, each thrust of his hips pinning her more efficiently to the mattress. He came with her name on his lips.

When his shallow breathing had calm down, he grabbed a cloth and wiped his hand and stomach clean from his seed then let himself fall back in his bed. Although the needs and desires of his body were quelled for now, Cullen was far from being satisfied. If anything, he was feeling Alexis' absence even more keenly. He grabbed a pillow and squeezed it between his arms. A foolish attempt to fulfill the need to have her in his arms, but he needed it. He needed to fill, even if so slightly, the space her body would take if she snuggled against him after he made love to her.

Weeks finally turned into months and though Cullen had enjoyed long days of reprieve from his withdrawal, he was again suffering it in full. The nightmares were worse than ever and chasing their hellish images in the morning would take him much longer. Some of them felt so real they would leave him feeling jumpy and on edge for hours after he woke up, as if the line separating his dreams from the waking world remained blurry in his mind.

Cullen wasn't ready to admit it, but it scared him. Delusions and the impossibility to distinguish reality from fantasy were amongst the symptoms of a mind lost to lyrium. Refusing to believe it just yet, he continued to work and hanged tightly on the good days, there was no questioning how sane or not he was.

* * *

 _…_ _on a brighter note, because now that I am fairly certain you read the report regarding the situation in the Western Approach and how the Grey Wardens totally lost their mind, both plainly and figuratively, I'm sure you need it, know that your glove is in good hands_ _Varric says my jokes are terrible, but oh, well, I'll leave it anyway). I'm still thinking about a proper ransom. The thing is, I kind of like having it around with me, so the price might just be higher than what I first said to you when I refused to give it back right before I left Skyhold._

 _Hawke and Varric make quite the pair when it comes to telling stories around the campfire. They even told a couple about you. Though I suspect their real purpose was to tease me. By the way, a Templar investigation leading to a brothel? And you sent Hawke because you had no luck interrogating the ladies there? What wouldn't I give to have seen your face when you went there the first time._

 _Anyway, I have to stop writing now. We need to send the birds before the weather turns foul. The sandstorms are quite nasty in the area we are in._

 _Tomorrow we'll investigate this ruin the Venatori seems to use as a compound, and if nothing else turns out we'll be leaving for Skyhold the next day._

 _I hope this letter finds you well._

 _I miss you terribly._

 _Alexis_

"Are you ready to send the letter Inquisitor?"

"Oh, yes Harding, here."

Trevelyan quickly sealed the letter and hand it over to the scout who had snapped her out of her dwelling thoughts. She still was a bit unsure about what to say to Cullen in her letters. There was so much she wanted to write, feelings she was dying to confess, sweet words that sounded completely silly once she gave them a more conscious thought. Sometimes it felt like telling him how she felt about him would be easier on paper, yet she couldn't bring herself to do it.

"Don't worry Inquisitor; I'm sure the commander will appreciate your letter."

"Reading my correspondence over my shoulder, Harding?" Trevelyan said with a playful smile.

She had a soft spot for the young dwarf scout that was doing most of the reckon operations whenever she had to venture into the wild. She was sweet and spirited, shy and mischievous and above all this, really competent at her job. No wonder why Leliana was grooming her to become one of her most trusted agent.

"Reading over…? Oh no, no no no, wouldn't do that your worship! I just… you always send two letters whenever it's addressed to the Commander and… well, there has been talks about…"

"It's alright Harding. I'm just messing with you! And, thank you. I don't know if he will appreciate it, but thank you. For saying it."

"You really shouldn't worry. You're probably the only person who can make General Uptight smile and I'm sure he will when he'll receive your letter. Aaaaand I'm overstepping… again. Please don't tell him I called him that?"

Alexis couldn't refrain herself from laughing. General Uptight? Somehow that sounded quite fitting.

"Your secret is safe with me Harding."

With a shy smile, the scout walked away to the bird cage. In a few days, Cullen would have her letter, in a few more she could hope for a response. It was the only thing she could hold onto to not feel depressed by the knowledge of the weeks still separating them. And thinking about him was the only good thing she had to not feel completely overwhelmed by the situation here.

What they had witnessed today at the ritual tower was still making her feel sick. Those Grey Wardens turning into abominations, sacrificed by their own brothers and all of them influenced by Corypheus, how could they all have become so mad?

Exhausted both mentally and physically, she walked to her tent. Quickly discarding her gear aside, she slipped beneath the blankets of her bedroll. She was feeling terribly alone and yet she did not felt like seeking the company of her friends that night. They were all rattled by what they saw, and the normally joyous conversations and laughter shared around the campfire would be a vague attempt at hiding just how grim everyone's mood was.

Her thoughts drifted back to Cullen and how, despite everything, just thinking about him and about what they had made everything a little lighter to bear. She just hoped he was alright. His last letter had been shorter than the others and she had the feeling something was bothering him but he did not wanted to worry her. Or perhaps she had it all wrong and with all the awful things going on she saw signs of bad news everywhere. Hoping it was the latter, she wrapped the blankets more tightly around her. This blighted land was as cold as the frostbacks at night.

Though she wished for a much needed peaceful sleep, nightmares lurked around her the whole night, invading her dreams and festering on her deepest fears.

* * *

"Nooo!" Cullen screamed as he awoke with a start.

He was drenched in cold sweat and his head was pounding. A nightmare, again, but how long had it been since he had such a vivid one? It felt real. Too real, even. He detangled his limbs from the sheets and sat on the edge of the bed, his hand rubbing at his forehead, the fear brought out by his dream still clenching at his guts. Kinloch Hold, again. He was always brought back there during the roughest nights. And as if the memories of the torture he endured there weren't painful enough, the nightmare would twist them and mingle with the fears of his present life.

Sometimes he would see himself loose his mind, to the lyrium, to the temptations of demons. He would lose the only thing he had been left with while imprisoned, his will. This time, as many times before, he lost Alexis. He would see her die in front of him and he would remain trapped, unable to help her in any way.

Cullen sighed deeply. He couldn't help but see how this nightmare reflected how he truly felt deep inside. He was trapped in Skyhold while she was out there, facing danger every day, and there was nothing he could do about it, this was how things worked. He knew she was more than capable of taking care of herself. She was a fighter and a powerful mage. She was in no way a frail and fragile woman and he knew she would thoroughly hate being treated like some damsel in distress. She was tough and capable and those were qualities he liked about her. Yet, there was this unshakable fear and guilt he felt at being unable to simply… protect her.

As hard as it was, Cullen pushed these thoughts aside and got up. He hadn't made two steps towards the shelves where he usually keeps his pitcher of water when his legs suddenly gave way under him and he had to brace himself against the wall to avoid crumbling on the floor. He snarled as a sharp pain shot through his muscles. For excruciating minutes, Cullen stayed there, his breathing ragged, waiting as long as it took for the cramp to fade away.

It happened more frequently over the past month. He wasn't ready to admit it to anyone, now that he finally had admitted to himself, but he was scared. No one had ever managed to break free from the lyrium. Cassandra had faith that he could do it, but what if he wasn't curing himself but simply walking straight to his death? What if these symptoms would only get worse with time and he would be forever plagued with them? If he didn't lose Alexis to Corypheus that would certainly do the trick. Maker have mercy, what would she think if she saw him like that?

With shaking hands he finally reached for the water and drank long gulps directly from the pitcher. He tried to replace it but the spasmin his fingers made him loose his grip and it clattered in pieces onto the floor as his body failed him completely. Cullen looked down at was what remaining of the pitcher, it was broken and beyond repair, _just like you_ , the darkest part of him thought.

With painful and very slow steps, he managed to sit back on his bed without tripping, a miracle given his actual state, and he cradled his head in his hands. He had to do something, busy himself, otherwise he knew what would come next, feeling the emptiness weighing on his stomach and burning his veins, he would need it, hear it like a heady song. A calling. He needed to keep his mind busy. He couldn't let himself feel the emptiness the lack of lyrium was still carving inside him. He had to do something. Franticly, he glanced around him, searching for his clothes. Getting himself to work was his only solution, his only way to escape even if he was overpowered by the pain. His eyes landed on the nightstand and on the letter neatly folded there. Immediately he felt drawn by it, remembering the comfort it had brought him the night before, when he had received it.

With fumbling hands he lit the candle and settling himself back against his pillows he took the letter and began to read it anew for probably the tenth time.

 _"_ _Cullen,_

 _Sorry it took me so long to write again. The past days have been exhausting both mentally and physically. I won't write here why, because everything is in my report and, knowing how serious and dedicated to the job you are, you probably have read that first. You have right? If not, well, you'll get to it anyway._

 _So yes, everyone here is pretty rattled by what we discovered. Added to the fact that the Western Approach isn't the nicest place, I have to admit I'm eager to come back Skyhold. By the way, do you think it would be possible to clear the courtyard for when I arrive? The usual waiting for us to be either in my quarters or in your office to finally be able to kiss you is a most painful one._

 _You probably know I'm joking and that I am truly aware how an impossible task that would be, but I imagine you reading this and smiling and the memory of your smile is enough to face whatever tomorrow will entail._

 _I won't lie, it's pretty rough out here. No one was truly prepared to face such weather conditions and it weighs all of us down during our daily travels. Fighting is really hard and completing our mission here took more time than what we first planned._

 _On a brighter note…"_

Despite the dull pain lingering on his body and the unnerving itch the lack of lyrium was creating, making his skin feel tight, Cullen smiled at her words, her jokes, and her ransom demand for the glove she had stolen the day they had kissed fervidly in the stables.

When he reached the end of the letter, he red it again, and a third time, imagining her voice saying those words, hearing the slightly teasing inflexion it would take when she was joking. Holding onto her words like a lifeline, Cullen allowed himself to fall back into bed. He could endure it, for one more night, he felt like he could endure it.


	48. Chapter 48

**A/N: Hello everyone! I wanted to say a huge thank you to Kimmyycubb and Lilyth Celestyn for their reviews, they totally made my day and given how crazy things are at the moment, it was the perfect morale boost to move forward with the writing of this fanfiction! I also wanted to thanks all the people who have faved and followed the story and all of you who are still reading it!**

* * *

Dinner was dreadful. Correction, this whole day was dreadful. This wasn't at all what she had imagined for her return after long and trying weeks in the Western Approach. It was so bad that her thoughts kept going back to the only good moment of the day, unable to stay focused on the conversation and small talks of the nobles she was supposed to converse with.

They had just arrived that morning and, as usual, master Dennett was there so they wouldn't have to bring the horses to the stables themselves. Dorian nudged her shoulder to get her attention and pointed towards the battlements. Cullen had just exited his office and was coming down to greet them. She couldn't describe how she felt when she saw him, butterflies fluttering in her stomach, her heart hammering in her chest and if she could listen to herself she would run to him and throw herself into his arms. Which was exactly what she couldn't do in such a public area. Especially during the hours where the mantles of the inquisitor and of the commander were draped over their shoulders.

"Inquisitor, glad to see you have safely returned." Cullen said as he walked up to her, trying, and failing a bit, at hiding his smile.

"Thank you commander. It's good to finally be back at Skyhold."

They were both staring at each other, clearly on edge and trying hard to act formal and not let show how they ached to keep their feelings in check. It was the first time they were separated for so long and to finally be reunited and yet unable to be close was a torture.

"Oh for the love of the Maker! Just kiss her already!"

Startled and bewildered, they glanced towards Cassandra, when they finally realized just who had said that. She was looking at them with an exasperate look on her face but with a very discreet grin at the corner of the mouth. And when they kept starting at her for too long she waved at Cullen to do as she said.

The next thing Alexis remembered was Cullen's arm sliding around her waist, his hand on her face and his lips crashing against hers in a searing kiss. She moaned in surprise as she was still thinking that he wouldn't dare kiss her in front of all her companions and where other people like his soldiers or guests of the Inquisition could see them. Oh, she wasn't about to complain about his boldness, she liked when he acted a little reckless with her, it made her heart beat faster. She quickly returned his kiss, opening her lips to the fervent assault of his tongue. She gripped his shoulders, her fingers finding purchase in his cloak and all around her there was a sudden and loud burst of cheering and whistling coming from her friends and companions. She smiled against Cullen's lips, very much aware of all the attention on them, yet not caring at all. She had missed him too much. It was the first time they were kissing in public like that, except for their very first kiss on the battlements. Sure her relationship with Cullen was a very not well-guarded secret here in Skyhold, yet, this kiss, right now, in front of all of them, it felt like it made things a little more real between them.

"Are you well, your worship?"

Steered out from the sweet memory of Cullen's lips on hers, Trevelyan begrudgingly placed the most polite and demure smile she could on her face and turned her gaze to the Starkhaven dignitary sitting on her right.

"Perfectly well, my lord, just the lingering tiredness from my latest travel, nothing more."

"You should come to my domain, Lady Trevelyan, and take the time to rest. You'll see, the Heartlands are the most peaceful place this time of year! " Said the Marquis de la Claireau, the Orlesian noble on her left.

"A most gracious offer, but I have to decline for now. The inquisition's work is, alas, far from over."

And there here and now was her current nightmare. Stuck at a very formal dinner between the Marquis who was making a poor job at hiding he was trying hard to win her favors and some Starkhaven noble send to discuss the situation in Kirkwall, since the inquisition had lent its help to the Kirkwall's city guard to prevent an invasion by Prince Sebastien Vael.

Before that, there was the urgent council meeting to discuss the situation regarding the grey wardens which lasted hours. Then, when Alexis thought she could snatch another kiss from Cullen, she was ushered out from the war room by Josephine and Vivienne who dragged her to her quarters so she could take a bath while Josephine filled her in on the very important guests she had to meet tonight. And, no it couldn't be postponed to the next day! Vivienne made her try on several outfits and gowns before finally setting her choice on one. And yes, she had to wear it at the dinner!

They dressed her up to make small talks with various nobles and guests. Vivienne did her make-up and Josephine the very intricate up do in her hair. And this time she truly had not been able to escape wearing some kind of gown because these smart and sneaky women had made sure none of her scars would show. The dress was composed of an underbust corset with halter straps and that covered her back up to her neck. Underneath it was a rather simple square neck and long sleeved royal blue gown. And of course there was what Trevelyan called, the Vivienne's touch. The skirt had a slit going all the way up to mid-thigh, made to reveal her legs as she walked. Legs that she had still clothed in a very fitting legging. And to complete her attire, knee high heeled boots. True to Madame de Fer's words, it made her look all the way like the woman of power she was. Not that she liked the feeling.

Bored to death and obliged to hide it, Trevelyan exchanged a few more formalities with the dinner guests, picking at her food.

"The Prince wishes this matter settled as soon as possible. Surely your Worship understands the importance of an alliance with the grand city of Starkhaven."

"I most certainly do. But again, these aren't matters best suited for dinner. Surely it can wait the formal meeting settled with Lady Montilyet tomorrow? She has worked so hard to prepare it, you wouldn't want to disappoint her." She said with a smile that was getting harder to fake each time she used it tonight.

"Yes, of course, Inquisitor."

As the emissary's attention shifted to his table companion, Alexis felt the Marquis leaning towards her as he spoke in a hushed tone.

"If he tries to seal an alliance by offering marriage, I beg you to decline. Rumor has it that the Vael Prince took vows of chastity. He wouldn't be able to offer all the attentions a Lady as gorgeous as you should receive."

The Marquis had flirted casually with her since the beginning of the dinner, but that was a whole other level. And with gossips about the Prince on top of that! She was tempted to respond something a bit provocative like "And how would you treat a Lady?", yet decided against it. She did not want to encourage the Marquis in his attempt at seducing her, if anything, less attention from the nobility gathered at this dinner was what she truly desired.

"You can rest assure that I will decline if such proposition occurs, as you can clearly see, my attention is fully on the war at hand."

Her response probably disappointed the Marquis, as Trevelyan evaded the true purpose of his words, though he didn't let it show. And it wasn't a lie, per say, stopping Corypheus truly took most of her time. She barely had half the time she wished she had to spend with Cullen, and barely a little more with her companion and friends, since they were less busy than the commander.

Speaking of the commander, he wasn't quite enjoying himself either tonight. He was also attending the dinner, at Josephine's orders. And probably following more of their ambassador's rules, he had discarded his armor for a more formal attire. It was as well-groomed as the one he wore at the Winter Palace, the jacket a dark shade of blue with silvery embroidery outlining the rim. Cullen probably did not liked it, too tight and too fitting to his taste, but it suited him perfectly, hinting at how perfectly well build his body was. He was sitting too far for Trevelyan to be able to speak with him, yet not so far so she couldn't see the signs of his boredom and distress as his female neighbors kept leaning towards him, displaying their charms to his eyes.

Trevelyan made a mental note to ask Josephine later about the bribes she most certainly had received so these lovely ladies were the ones sitting next to the commander, who was still courted by many Orlesian noble women. She glanced at his direction, and for a moment, their eyes met. She smiled discreetly to him and though he responded to it, his smile seemed weak, tired, and Alexis could discern shadows under his eyes that weren't there earlier. He looked exhausted, strained even and the dinner probably wasn't the only reason. As much as she wanted to know if something was wrong, she clearly would have no answer until later.

Cullen watched as Trevelyan looked away from him, her attention, once again, claimed by one of the nobles around her. And he hid his annoyance behind his glass as the Marquis' eyes roamed shamelessly over her, lingering far too long on her cleavage. Well, to that man's defense, Cullen had to admit that, the way they were highlighted by the underbust corset, it was made to catch the eye. Her whole outfit was made to catch the eye. When he first saw her as she exited her quarters, it took him a moment to remind himself he wasn't supposed to stare at her in complete awe with such an audience around them. She was breathtaking, though in a very different way than the first time he saw her wearing a dress. That first dress made her look feminine, and ethereal as if she was some creature out of a dream. This time, she felt real, magnetic and exuding power. She was equally beautiful and womanly, but in more dangerous way.

"The inquisition has been on so many lips since the masquerade at the Winter Palace, especially your name commander, and the court had nothing but praise for you." Said the noble lady on his left as she leaned towards him.

"Hum… thank you, my lady." Cullen said as he replaced his glass on the table.

"I must say, I was curious to discover myself if everything they said on your account and about the inquisition were true."

It was the woman on his right trying to gather his attention now. A voluptuous blond clad in luxurious dress, the daughter of some noble who was in Skyhold to discuss a commercial trade with the inquisition.

"Ah… And now that you have seen things for yourself?" Cullen responded in a vague attempt at making conversation and not being the scruffy and grumpy bear Josephine had dared him not to be tonight. A considerable effort given his headache. If it got worse, he knew he would have to excuse himself before the end of the evening and leave.

"Oh it exceeds everything I could have imagined." The woman said as she purposefully brushed Cullen's fingers with her own as she reached for her glass of wine.

Despite his instincts telling him to take his hand away, Cullen remained perfectly calm. This wasn't the first time orlesians were very forward with him, he could handle it.

Not so far from there, Alexis' eyes couldn't help but catch the not subtle touch of that woman's hands on the man she couldn't claim as her own. She immediately felt jealous. A very unpleasant feeling she wasn't accustomed to. Not because of the attention Cullen was getting, if anything, the signs of annoyance on his face were all she needed to know he wasn't enjoying the attention. But because she was dying to be in that woman's place, sitting next to him, being able to flirt casually with him in public, to show her affection. To simply be able to act like any other people in love would. No, this was impossible to them. For the sake of the inquisition. And it made her heart ache more than she had imagined.

Finally, dinner was over and part of the guests would soon follow Josephine to a salon were they would finish the evening. As they rose up from their chairs, Alexis hoped she could reach Cullen before they all got dragged away by either of the nobles courting their favors. She was halfway there when he gave a very stiff bow of his head to the ladies still beaming at him, and he left, determined to get away before anyone could prevent him from escaping. He left, with only a glance in her direction, sadness and pain readable in equal measure on his face.

Trevelyan had to lock herself down so to not run to him and onlookers be damned. She resisted the urge and before she could do anything else, someone gracefully offered her his arm. The Marquis. Well, she could not escape now. Not for the first, and probably not for the last time, she faked an affable smile, laced her arm with his and followed him and Josephine, hoping that soon, this dreadful evening would end.

* * *

Cullen stood in his office, leaning over the paperwork on his desk. The sun wasn't up yet and he was already at work after a short night's rest. Though yesterday's formal dinner was more than excruciating and it had taken him all his strength to endure it without letting show just how much pain he had, he had been unable to fall back asleep after waking up from his nightmare.

He had hoped, foolishly, that part of his suffering was coming from the anxiety he felt about Alexis' absence, and that now that she was back it would alleviate his symptoms if just a little. And when she came home, safe and sound, Cullen's heart had felt so light. For a moment there, he was fine and happy and when Cassandra had nearly ordered him to kiss Alexis he hadn't think twice about it. But from there, everything slowly fell apart until he was again plagued by headaches and feeling a deep hollow in his stomach. A void made by the lack of lyrium in his veins and that was taking all his will to deny himself the need to fill it.

Hours passed and Skyhold slowly awoke from its slumber. Guard rotation, Leliana's morning report, and it could have been just any other day if Cullen wasn't feeling like it was taking him twice the time to finish even the simplest task. He sighed deeply, and put down the duty roster he was supposed to have finished over an hour ago.

His office's door opened and Cullen's heart fluttered in his chest when Alexis entered. She had sleepy eyes and her braid was messier than usual, still, to him, there couldn't be a prettier sight than her.

"Morning."

"Good morning Inquisitor."

She raised an eyebrow, puzzled by how formal he just sounded.

"Really? I have been gone for endless weeks and we're back to titles even when alone in your office?" She ambled towards him, a small grin tugging at the corner of her lips.

"Sorry. It's just… I have been caught up with reports all morning and…"

"Hush…it's fine." She said, taking his hand in her own, slowly stroking his knuckles with her thumb. "I missed you."

"I missed you too."

He squeezed her fingers in his own before taking his hand back when he felt the distinctive ache which preceded the muscle cramps.

"Cullen? What's wrong?"

"It's nothing. I didn't get much sleep that's all."

"Are you sure? You didn't seem well at dinner yesterday either." She said, her eyes intent on him.

"These last days were rough, that's all. There is no need for you to worry." He dismissed while avoiding her gaze by looking back at the reports waiting on his desk.

"Well I do worry." Trevelyan said as she came to face him, standing between him and his desk. "I was away for months, you ran away after dinner yesterday, leaving no chance for us to spend even a short moment together, I come here, because apparently you barely left this room for the last weeks, we're alone and you're trying to avoid me."

"I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you. I just have to finish these reports and the duty roster for the next weeks."

Cullen wanted to reassure her, laid his hand on her in a comforting gesture but he could feel the spasms in his fingers. He was getting worse by the minute and the last thing he wanted right now was to suffer a crisis in full in front of her.

"I don't want you to make it up to me. I want to know what's going on" She sounded upset and her caring and gentle demeanor suddenly changed with Cullen's attempt at dismissing his problems in front of her. "Dammit Cullen! I am not blind, I can see there is something wrong, that you clearly did not get much sleep and, I also know it must be because you stopped taking lyrium months ago! So yes, I worry about you, even when I am away and I have no way of knowing if you are alright! And you know why? Because I fucking care about you."

She wasn't screaming, sure she was a bit vehement, but what truly came to light from her words were her pain and what seemed like regrets. Cullen wasn't sure what hit him harder, the beginning of yet another migraine, or the hurt in Trevelyan's eyes.

"I care about you too." He said tentatively trying to reach out to her.

"So why? Why do you hide? You've done it from the start. Every time you haven't felt well you hid it from me either by running away or by avoiding me altogether."

Cullen's mouth bobbed open, unable to form a response. Sure he had done so but he never thought she had noticed, his work had always covered efficiently for him.

"You thought what? That I wouldn't notice? Well I did. And you know what, I never said anything so until now because I wanted to give you your space, I did not want to intrude in a part of your life you weren't comfortable sharing. I thought that, given time, you would feel more at ease and you would come to me, rely on me when you're not feeling well. But the way you're so bluntly trying to deny there's something wrong, I just can't ignore it anymore!"

"I am sorry. I thought it was better if I dealt with it on my own. I wanted to protect you, you needn't to have my burden added to your own. You're already carrying so much weight on your shoulders."

"Protecting me? Or protecting you from sharing your pain and your weaknesses?"

Her response took him completely off guard. He had convinced himself so deeply it was better for everyone if he dealt with his lyrium addiction and all the suffering it entailed on his own, he hadn't considered he was doing it to protect himself. Protect him from sharing his pain, from feeling raw and exposed in front of her. Because it wasn't only the physical torment, it was the memories, Kinloch Hold, Kirkwall, everything he was trying to distance himself from by quitting lyrium, by no longer being a Templar. And it scared him to lay down all these things for Trevelyan to see, the failures and the nightmares. Would she still care for the broken man beneath the armor?

These thoughts brewing inside him, Cullen stood silent, perhaps for too long.

"If you don't want to talk, that's fine." She said on a bitter tone. "You know, I said things to you, right here, that I never said to anyone else, because I trust you and you make me feel safe with you. It was really hard but I let you in. I wish you trusted me enough to do the same." She sighed, taking a moment to fight back the tears in her eyes. "When you feel ready to share what's going on, you know where to find me. But I am not going to stand there and pretend everything is fine. I can't…"

Trevelyan looked up at him, waiting, hoping for a few more seconds that he would react. Cullen was stunned, deeply struggling to say something… anything. As he remained silent, she stepped back and walked away, heartsick, fighting really hard to keep a straight face when inside, she was crumbling.

"Alexis… wait."

Cullen called out to her but it was too late. Trevelyan closed the door behind her, leaving him alone, and feeling lonelier than he ever felt when she was away.

* * *

It was late in the afternoon when Trevelyan sneaked into the stables in order to hide in Snowflake's stall. Her back to the wall, she let herself slide to the ground. It was a miracle that she managed to make it through the day without totally losing it. Blessed was Josephine, for she had perfectly dealt with the Starkhaven emissary when all Alexis could think of was Cullen and the somewhat fight they had this morning. It was eating her up. She knew she did the right thing, she couldn't pretend he was fine, nor, given how damn stubborn the man was, could she force him to talk about it. It was up to him now. Yet, her own decision was making her heart ache in a way she never imagined possible.

As if sensing her trouble, Snowflake turned to her, giving her a gentle push of his head on her shoulder. A small yet sad smile played on her lips at the comforting gesture and she softly stroked the horse's velvety nose.

"He never intended to hurt you. He lived for so long with that pain, he doesn't know how to let it go."

Cole's soft voice steered her away from her thoughts. He was perched on the stall's door, his face half hidden underneath his big hat. It was strange how he often seemed to appear from thin air and yet, it never startled Trevelyan. As if she could sense he was here before she saw him, and feel he would never harm her.

"Hello Cole."

"Oh… Hello!"

"Trying to make me feel better about what happened with the commander?"

"Warm, gentle, good, he makes you feel safe. He makes you feel like you, not the inquisitor, not the shiny Herald. You're brighter when he is around, but not today."

"Things doesn't always go the right way." She said with a sigh.

"It could! He is hurting because he believes he let you down and you're hurting too because you're afraid he doesn't trust you, but you don't have to be afraid it's not you. It's the blue, burning bright and hot in his veins. When he wakes, sometimes it makes him feel like he is not awake and the nightmare stays with him. _Maker will she still care about me if she sees me like that?_ He's no longer sure it can go away, he doesn't know what will remain of him. But the song, he doesn't hear it so loud when you're with him."

"Cole I know you're trying to help…"

"He doesn't like it when I tell him, I know that. But you could! It would help!"

"Alright. You lost me just there." Trevelyan said with a small frown, feeling deeply puzzled by the boy's rambling. She could make sense to most of his speech, yet there were often parts that eluded her completely.

"You have to tell him he's not lost. He never was. He just couldn't see the path for a while."

"I have to tell that… to Cullen. And he will understand?" She asked, even more confounded than before.

Cole ambled towards her, looking at her with his strange and otherworldly pale eyes.

"Yes! You have to tell him, before it's too late."

Something in the way he said the words ' _too late'_ made her heart jump. As if the knowledge suddenly downed on her that something was wrong, something was really wrong and not in the way she had thought.

"Cole, did something happen since this morning?" Trevelyan asked, her voice wavering.

"He no longer knows if he can bear the pain."

It was all she needed to know. Acting on impulse, she hugged Cole, whispering a thank you in his ear before dashing out of the stall. She quickly made her way towards Cullen's tower, climbing the stairs two by two. Not bothering to knock, as often since they had become involved, she barged into his office only to find it nearly empty. As if waiting for her, one of Cullen's soldiers was there.

"Inquisitor, if you're looking for the commander, he's gone to speak with Seeker Pentaghast."

"Thanks… Jim. It's Jim right?" Trevelyan said, fairly certain she recognized the man underneath the helmet.

"Yes your worship." He answered, looking sheepishly back at her.

"Just in case, can you tell him I need to see him when he comes back?"

"Of course your worship." Jim said with a bow of his head.

And with that, she was out and walked the battlements to the upper courtyard and down near the tavern. At this time of day she could usually find Cassandra near the training dummies. Finding the spot empty, Trevelyan was ready to look elsewhere when she heard the distinct sounds of a heated conversation coming from the forge. She easily recognized both Cassandra and Cullen's voice and pushed open the door.


	49. Chapter 49

**A/N:** **Hi there! Once again, sorry for the delay, I am still very busy at the moment but, even if it may take me more time to update, I am doing my best to continue this fic and post new chapters regularly. I wanted to thanks Lilyth Celestyn and kimmyycubb for their reviews, and everyone who has faved or followed the story. I hope you will like this chapter and, as always, thanks you all for reading.**

* * *

"You asked for my opinion, and I've given it. Why would you expect it to change?"

"I expect you to keep your word. It's relentless. I can't…"

"You give yourself too little credit." Cassandra said, cutting his explanation short.

"If I'm unable to fulfill what vows I kept, then nothing good has come of this. Would you rather save face than admit…"

This time, it was the door opening that interrupted him. He was already feeling on edge and Cassandra's unyielding position towards his simple demand was draining him, the last thing he needed was more disturbance. His anger simmering, he glanced at the door's direction and…his heart tightened painfully in his chest. As his anger vanished, Cullen felt sick, remorseful and deeply undeserving of the woman now walking towards him, her deep blue eyes settled on him with worry and unanswered questions.

He couldn't face her, not right now. His head down, his voice laced with sorrow, he walked away, feeling like the worst coward in whole Thedas.

"Forgive me." He said as he walked past her, unable to even hold her gaze.

He brushed past her and Trevelyan felt numb, able only to watch him go away, struck by the pain she could see on his face and hear in his words.

"And people say _I'm_ stubborn. This is ridiculous." Cassandra said to Cullen's back. But he ignored her and closed the door behind him. Shaking her head in deep annoyance, the Seeker turned to a bewildered inquisitor. "Cullen told you that he's no longer taking lyrium?"

"Yes, he did, and I respect his decision." Trevelyan said after a few seconds, trying to put order to her thoughts. Lyrium. So she was right. There was a much bigger problem than what Cullen had let on this morning.

"As do I. Not that he's willing to listen. Cullen has asked that I recommend a replacement for him."

"What?"

She looked, confused, at Cassandra, unable to believe her ears.

"I refused. It's not necessary. Besides, it would destroy him. He's come so far."

Cassandra's calm and assertive tone reassured her. If she thought Cullen needn't to be replaced, surely it wasn't that bad? But why hadn't he talked to her, why had he taken such a decision on his own. Stepping down from his position, it was no small thing!

"Why didn't he come to me?" She asked, more to herself than expecting an actual answer. She sounded defeated.

"We had an agreement long before you joined us. As a Seeker, I could evaluate the dangers. And he wouldn't want to… risk your disappointment." Cassandra said carefully, sensing the subject was a touchy one.

"My disappointment? I knew about all this before Cullen and I decided to see each other, I accepted it. Why is he evading the subject from of me?"

"It is not my place to say why, but Cullen doesn't have many good things to hold on to. The Inquisition, and you especially, completely changed that. It is not always easy to let your past come in the light of day, especially around people you care about and of whom you value their judgement."

Trevelyan sighed running a hand through her hair, messing her already messy braid. She clearly wasn't holding all the cards in this situation and she had to accept that it would remain so until Cullen was ready to tell her more about it. Yet, if there was to be a good outcome to all this, she needed to understand what was really going on in that thick head of his.

"Is there anything we can do to change his mind?"

"If anyone could, it's you. Mages have made their suffering known. But Templars never have. They are bound to the order, mind and soul, with someone always holding their lyrium leash. Cullen has a chance to break that leash, to prove to himself –and anyone who would follow suit- that it's possible. He _can_ do this. I knew that when we met in Kirkwall. Talk to him. Decide if now is the time."

"So, for you, his life isn't in danger?" She asked tentatively and hopeful.

"I wish I could reassure you on this matter my friend. To my knowledge, no Templar has come so far and in such a good condition as Cullen has. I don't know what further challenge he might face, but if there is one thing that I am certain about him, it's that he has the will to overcome it."

"I know. I just hope that he will see it too."

* * *

Cullen stared at the box, lid open in front of him, his lyrium kit holding the little bottle that made him shake so much. Cullen felt empty, as if everything he had tried to build since he left Kirkwall was crumbling down, leaving him with nothing but the emptiness only that blighted substance could fill. He hated it, as much as he hated himself for still craving it. Overcome by his anger, Cullen grabbed the box and with a loud groan, threw it away across the room.

Just as Alexis walked through the open door, something flied at high speed in front of her and crashed against the door frame next to her head. Startled, she quickly glanced back and forth between the smashed box and Cullen's shocked face.

"Maker's breath! I didn't hear you enter. I…" He was alarmed, then, realizing she was fine, his mood swung again, anger, fear and now regret. "Forgive me." And he wasn't even sure why he was saying it. Was it for nearly hitting her with that box? Was it for their relationship hitting a rough spot because of him, or was it for being who he was, a broken man and an addict, and no longer being able to pretend that he was whole and that he didn't deserve her.

"As long as you weren't aiming at me, I'm sure the box had it coming." She said in jest, seeing that it fell into deaf ears, she quickly added: "Cullen, if you need to talk…"

"You don't have to…" He was walking around the corner of his desk when he was seized by a sudden and sharp pain shooting up through his legs. He groaned and had to brace himself on his desk to remain standing. Trevelyan immediately walked towards him, worry clear on her face. Panting a little while he was struggling to get a grip on himself, he thwarted her attempt at coming closer, gesturing that he could do this on his own. "I never meant for this to interfere." He finally said as he stood straighter, forcing himself to meet her eyes.

"Are you going to be all right?"

"Yes… I don't know." He finally admitted in front of her. She deserved he'd be honest with her, honest about everything. As hurtful as the memories were, as scary it was to talk about them until he was left bare and exposed in front of her, he had to tell her. "You asked what happened to Ferelden's circle when we were still in Haven. It was taken over by abominations. The Templars, my friends, were slaughtered." His anger was audible in his voice, the horror and ire he felt still strong as if it happened yesterday. He walked away, unable to remain in place until he was looking through the window. "I was tortured. They tried to break my mind, and I… How can you be the same person after that? Still, I wanted to serve. They sent me to Kirkwall. I trusted my knight-commander, and for what? Her fear of mages ended in madness. Kirkwall's circle fell. Innocent people died in the streets. Can't you see why I want _nothing_ to do with that life?"

He looked back at Trevelyan, eyes intent on her yet unsure of the emotions he would read on her face. She was shocked, of course, learning of what happened to him, but above all else, there was worry in her eyes, and understanding.

"Of course I can. I…"

"Don't! You should be questioning what I've done. I thought this would be better, that I would regain some control over my life. But these thoughts won't leave me…"

He was in pain and Trevelyan had to shackle herself down not to run to him and take him in her arms. Yet she could somehow feel it wasn't what he wanted right now. He needed to let it all out without her interfering.

"How many lives depend on our success? Yours more than anyone else. I swore myself to this cause… I will _not_ give less to the inquisition than I did the Chantry. I should be taking it!" He was pacing angrily and as he let these words out, he lost his temper. He threw a punch at the bookshelf in front of him, the force of the blow knocking out several books as he felt the raw pain in his fingers. "I should be taking it"

It was said barely louder than in a whisper and he hated himself for saying those words. For even barely wanting to take lyrium again, whatever the reason was. But how could he go on without it? He felt Alexis approaching, and there was no keeping her away from him this time, for there was nothing else to hide.

"This doesn't have to be about the Inquisition. Is this what _you_ want?" She said as she laid her hand on his shoulder.

"No" Cullen finally said, his tension fading away a little underneath her touch, opening his fist and letting his hand fall back to his side as he turned towards Trevelyan. No he didn't want to take it, he wanted to stay true to the promise he made to himself, that he would be free of the order. The lyrium had always been a mean to an end when he was a Templar, a part of his duty. He never fell in love with it like some of his brothers did, those who were always first in line when it was distributed. He wanted to let it go…"But… these memories have always haunted me. If they become worse, if I… if I cannot endure this…"

"You can."

Faith, trust, both unconditional and absolute were conveyed in her words. And it shook Cullen in his very core, turned his world upside down. It was still so hard at times to believe in himself, believe that he deserved the title and rank of commander of the inquisition, that he deserved her. And as he was ready to fall, she was there to hold him, help him back on his feet and simply tell him, with all her heart, what she knew to be true: he would overcome it. And he believed her.

He looked at her, finding in those bright and perfect blue eyes of hers the same trust that had held her words. He didn't felt instantly well, but he was better and a small smile came to his lips.

"All right"

She smiled in return and softly laid her hand on his cheek, feeling the rasp of his stubble on her palm.

"I am here for you."

"I know. And I… was a fool for not coming to you about all this." Cullen said as he rested his hand against her own, lacing their fingers together.

"It's all right. How do you feel?"

"It's just a headache for now. The rest, it comes and goes. I can get back to work"

"Get back to work? Cullen you were ready to step down from your position just moments ago, you are not getting back to work." She said with a low chuckle, amused and yet utterly bewildered. "Resting, that's what you'll do, Commander."

"It's not necessary, I can…"

"You cannot. I won't allow it. You take the rest of the day off, Inquisitor's orders!" She added, crossing her arms with a pointed look when Cullen was ready to protest again.

"You know, you can be really bossy when you want." He said, his hand rubbing at the back of his neck, admitting he wouldn't win this round.

"And I warned you against letting me growing to like ordering Templars, or former Templars, about."

"Right."

And as Cullen didn't move right away, she gestured towards the ladder. Unable to help a small smile, he bowed to her will. He climbed up to his chamber, slower than usual, painfully feeling the weight of his armor, and his hands unsure on their grip. She wasn't wrong after all, he would clearly benefit from taking the rest of the day off. Walking towards his armor rack he started to unfasten the clasps of his pauldrons he heard Trevelyan climb up.

"What are you doing?" He asked, unable to stop his voice from quavering. He hadn't expected her to follow him.

"Making sure you do as I say." She responded with a grin, as she glanced around. It was the first time she was up here, in his chamber and she couldn't help her wandering gaze, taking in the details of the room, the hole in the roof and the bed with sheets in disarray, the overall feeling of military tidiness and standards ruffled by the makeshift nightstand and the books lying on the floor next to the bed.

"There's no need to trouble you further because of me, inquisitor." He said as he removed, with a painful clumsiness the last claps of his shoulder pad.

"Then, will you let _me, Alexis,_ be here for you?"

Her voice softened, gone were the inflexions of authority and power of the inquisitor and Cullen turned around to take a better look at her. Walking the line between their professional and intimate relationship was hard at times. They were still learning how to act around one another and shifting from inquisitor and commander to simply Alexis and Cullen wasn't always easy. There was no doubt this time, no mask still worn or lingering awkwardness. There was only her, the woman he loved, asking to stay by his side, and he couldn't refuse her.

"Yes, of course." And as he was still struggling to get rid of his armor he softly gestured. "Could you?"

Picking up the hint she smiled and walked up to him. Long and deft fingers worked through the clasps and laces, untied the intricate knot closing his cloak, and removed it from his shoulders with slow and measured movements. Cullen let her be in control, moving only when she needed better access, and despite the pain, he felt a sense of peace in this moment. It was deeply intimate, in a way they never experienced before, as if Cullen was both plainly and figuratively, letting her see beneath his armor, letting her in, in a way he never let anyone else before.

The last piece of his armor was down, leaving him in his breeches and a simple cotton shirt. Alexis took his hand and, without a word, led him to the bed and helped him remove his boots before he lied down. She kicked off her ankle boots and climbed on the bed next to him. She placed a pillow in her lap and, silently, she asked him to come closer. Cullen moved, until he was resting between her legs, his head on the pillow, looking up at her with soulful eyes. She smiled softly at him, toying with his hair, relishing the feeling of his soft curls slipping through her fingers.

"Cullen?"

"Mmh?"

"I…I think I could do something that could help with the pain and your headache, but I'll have to use my magic. Is it all right with you?"

She knew he could still be wary of magic, depending on the circumstances, and after what he just told her, that he had been tortured by what was likely a maleficar and demons, she was very cautious with the subject.

His hand came to rest on her knee and a smile crept up his lips when he said: "I trust you."

She leaned towards him, laying a kiss on the top of his nose and whispered softly: "Close your eyes."

Cullen complied, without apprehension or fear. He felt safe there, with her, cradled by her body. He felt safer with her than with anyone else, and he felt loved. Alexis hand went to rest against his temple and as she softly pressed with her fingers, blue light briefly danced before his closed eyelids.

Her magic whirled peacefully around her hands, summoning and wielding her power as familiar to Alexis as her own name. It was a simple healing spell, meant to soothe the more dulling pain Cullen was enduring, and with it, a small hum of contentment came past his lips. Smiling, glad that she could bring him some kind of appeasement, she started to massage his head and as her fingers were running slow circles on his temple, a very thin layer of frost covered her hands.

Cullen was surprised when he felt Alexis' hands become cold, but he realized it helped and relieved his pain. He quickly lost track of time, having no idea for how long she massaged his head, her hands going from his temple to his forehead to his scalp and back again. All he knew was that he was completely lost in the pleasant and soothing feeling brought by her ministrations. As he drifted off into a peaceful slumber his last thought was about Alexis. She was a true miracle, not only because she had the power to save them all, but because she was _his_ miracle, bringing so much light and hope and love in his life when he had forgotten about it all.

Alexis felt Cullen's body relax completely. She waited for him to be fully asleep her fingers softly treading through his hair. When she thought she had waited long enough she started to slowly pull away. But she hadn't taken into account take Cullen was anything but a sound sleeper, and as soon as she started to move, he shifted, rolled onto his side, circled her waist with his arms and he mumbled sleepily: "Stay."

It was said so adorably that she couldn't refuse him. With a smile on her face she lay down beside him and Cullen closed his embrace around her. Despite his sleepiness, he still had a lot of strength and easily settled her against him, his head resting on her breast. Alexis grinned, thinking about the inevitable blush that would color Cullen's cheek when she would tell him about his current position in the morning.

"You're all right there?" She asked softly, still running a hand through his hair, liking the way they were now curling around her fingers.

"Mmmh" He nodded, his hand splayed on her lower back, keeping her close to him.

Alexis smiled happily. Despite all the pain and all the scars they both carried, and despite the struggles they faced in their relationship, they would always find solace in those simple and peaceful moments they shared together. She closed her eyes and soon, lulled by the sound of Cullen's steady breathing, and the warmth of his body pressed against her, she fell asleep.

* * *

When Cullen awoke in the morning, the first thing that surprised him was that for the very first time in a very long time, it wasn't because of a nightmare. The second, was the body curled up against his side. He blinked a couple times, chasing away the lingering sleepiness, his memory quickly piecing back the events of the last day. Alexis had come up here, helped soothe his migraine and then, he had ask her to stay, hadn't he? She did, throughout the whole night, and the realization made him smile widely.

Cullen let his head drop back against his pillow, enjoying this rare moment of calm and intimacy. It wasn't how he had imagined they would spend their first night in the same bed together but it felt good. Trevelyan was still asleep and he didn't dare to move, not wanting to wake her up just yet. He marveled at how perfectly she fitted against him, nestled against his side. Wanting to feel her even closer to him, Cullen carefully laid his arm around her and opened his eyes in surprise when his hand touched the bare skin of her shoulder. Wasn't she still fully clothed when she had joined him in bed? It piqued his curiosity and he couldn't help but lift the sheets and shot a quick glance underneath it.

"Maker's breath" He muttered as he let the covers fall back into place. Feeling heat coloring his cheeks and his morning erection being awaken by the sight of the nearly naked woman lying beneath him. At some point during the night she apparently had discarded her clothes, probably too fitting for her to be comfortable while sleeping, and was now left wearing only her underwear and breast-band. She was… Cullen couldn't find the right word, all he knew was that the sight of her like that, her arm draped across his chest, her bare leg tangled with his, it was very intoxicating.

He was still trying to regain some composure when Alexis awoke. Her hand roamed across his chest as she wiggled closer to him, her chest pressed against him, and all of Cullen's effort to not be very aroused by her presence vanished.

"Good morning." He said softly, trying to focus his mind on something other than the physical reactions she elicited in him.

"Mmmhmornin'" She responded with a sleepy voice. "Sleep well?"

"Yes. Very."

"Good. Ya' need it" She said as she pulled away a little so she could look up at him.

When their eyes met, Cullen's heart swelled with how much he loved that woman. She had a stupid grin on her face, red marks on her cheek where it had rest against his shoulder as she slept, her eyes were laden with sleep and her tresses were spilled on her shoulders in a mass of unruly and wavy locks. She was perfect and adorable, Cullen thought. He turned on his side to face her, cupping her face in his hand. Forgetting how much she affected him was simply impossible.

"Did I ever tell you how lovely you are?"

"No." She chuckled, a lazy smile on her lips.

"Well," Cullen said as he leaned towards her, unable to resist the urge to kiss her. "You are absolutely lovely this morning, Lady Trevelyan."

"Even with my messy bed head? Wow, I wonder what compliment I might get from you once I'm decent, Master Rutherford."

"I don't know, right now, your… level of _exposure_ plays in your favor." Cullen said in jest before capturing her lips in a slow yet deep and passionate kiss. He pulled her flush against him but as his hands slid around her and splayed flat on her back, he suddenly felt her tense for a brief moment before she sighed and relaxed. Cullen knew exactly what had been on her mind. His hand found her scars and, tenderly, he brushed it with the tip of his fingers. As their kiss broke, he looked into her eyes and said: "You know that _this_ will never change how I feel about you."

"I know, I guess I need to get used to it. I've never been this close to anyone." She breathed, trying to sound steady even when her voice let show of her lingering insecurities.

"Me neither."

He confessed and parted her lips once more, hungry to taste her again and she yielded underneath his gentle assault. They kissed languidly, her body molded against his, Cullen, stroking her back, silently wishing that he could erase her scars purely by this simple touch of his hands. An impossible deed, he knew that well, and he swore to himself that he would do anything so one day, Alexis would never have to feel uneasy about those marks again.

Soon enough, the reality of feeling her, nearly naked, in his arms, their body tangled, their breath mingled as they kissed, made him feel very light headed and very hard. Cullen was glad to have such a will and ability to control himself, otherwise, he would have pinned her to the mattress, discarded whatever cloth was in his way and claimed her. Still, he realized in that moment, how deeply in trouble he was if simply being with Alexis in such an almost innocent situation could make his head spin with desire for her, and he wondered what would happen if all barriers were down between them. He had to admit that as much as he wanted to be close to her, and to cross that last boundary, it scared him a little. No women ever had such an effect on him. Alexis' smile was sufficient enough to make his blood boil, the sheer memory of her kisses making him more aroused than when he saw his past lovers naked. What control would he be able to keep over himself? Yes, he was scared, and yet he rarely had been more eager at the same time.

They parted, breathless, from their kiss and Cullen lay on his back, eyes closed, taking some much needed time to regain a semblance of composure. Beside him, Alexis was quiet for a moment, her hand tracing lazy patterns on his chest.

"I wish we could stay like this all day."

She whispered it softly, her voice tainted with an unmistakable sadness. Cullen's heart broke a little at her words for he wished he could offer her that. And they had what, perhaps a couple more hours left before they would both be unable to escape from their work any longer? Yet, a couple hours was more than nothing, and he intended to take advantage of it and to give her back some of the happiness she was bringing into his life. He could go to the kitchen and snatch whatever they needed to share a breakfast here, just the two of them, away from the noise and the prying eyes of the great hall.

"I never thought that the perspective of lying in bed all day would appeal to me, but you've certainly achieved that." He said, kissing her forehead. "I know it's not possible right now, but I have an idea. Wait for me here?"

She nodded in agreement and Cullen left the bed, Alexis' hands trailing over his abdomen as he slipped away from her grasp, missing her touch immediately. He opened the trunk where he kept all his clothes and was in the process of removing his pants after discarding his shirt when he distinctly felt a burning stare on his back. Stopping his movements he glanced towards Alexis. She was looking at him with hungry eyes that were roaming all over his form, and she did absolutely nothing to hide it when she met his gaze.

"Lex?"

"What?"

"You know _what_!" He said, raising a brow.

"That I am starring? Yes. Not my fault you're so sexy it should be a crime! What's a girl supposed to do?" She purred, her voice still sounding a bit sleepy and Cullen blushed furiously. "And I know I said it before, but you're really cute when you're blushing." She informed him, snatching his pillow to squeeze it in her arms.

"Not helping." Cullen said, rolling his eyes, and unable to prevent his breathing from quickening a little.

"Well, I already told you once that in the morning, my mouth has a will of its own until I had my tea. Especially when I had to play nice with Josephine's guests on the day before." Cullen frowned at her and with an exaggerate sigh she rolled onto her other side, burying her head in his pillow. "There, not staring."

Cullen couldn't help the smile that came to his face and that it stayed there the whole time it took him to change into a dark cotton pants and a clean shirt. She was often so composed and in control, it was good to see her relaxed and with her guard down.

"You never called me that way before." She said softly after a time.

"Mmh? What?"

"Lex. You never called me that. When we're together it's always Alexis, or Trevelyan when you want to make a point. You never used my nickname before."

It was true, he had called her by her nickname, the one Lara always used. It had just felt so right to say it that Cullen hadn't truly realized he was using it.

"Oh, right. Does it… bother you?" He asked tentatively as he came to sit on her side of the bed and laid his hand on the curve of her hip.

"No! Of course not. Actually, it's rather… nice to hear it from you."

She smiled shyly, looking at him with eyes holding more love and affection than Cullen ever thought he would receive in his entire life. His heart skipped a beat, his chest felt tight, and he couldn't hide the tremor in his voice when he responded.

"Good. Then I shall endeavor to use it more often." He leaned in and kissed the corner of her lips. "I won't be gone long."

"Okay."

He rose up and was beginning to climb down the ladder when Alexis shot him: "If one day your pillows disappear, don't worry, it's probably me."

"Why would you take them?"

"So I could have a pillow-you when I am away."

"You still have one of my gloves, it's not enough?" He chuckled, starting to climb down.

"They don't smell like you." She countered. "And I am planning on returning your precious glove, you just still haven't asked nicely for it."

"Lex?"

"Yeah?"

"You're adorable when you talk nonsense in the morning."

He heard her laugh and it was music to his ears. Nonetheless, he made a mental note to add a good cup of tea on the list of things to bring back from the kitchen.


	50. Chapter 50

**A/N: Hi there. Sorry for not being able to update the story sooner but things have been a bit crazy these past weeks, applying for a new job, preparing everything since I will soon move out and... well I am currently living in Paris, so I am sure you'll understand why this past week has been really weird.**

 **But I am still working on this fic and I have no intention of dropping it. Still, for now, I have no way to tell if I will be able to post new chapters more regularly. I hope you will like this update and I wanted to thank each and everyone of you who reads the story, follows it or takes the time to leave a review, you all help me stay motivated to keep writting this fic! Thank you :)**

* * *

"I still can't believe why I let you talk me into this." Dorian huffed in annoyance. He had been like that for the whole time it took them to come back from Redcliffe where he, unexpectedly, met with his father.

"Will you stop brooding? It went rather well, and you only keep complaining because you have a probable cause this time!" Trevelyan said as they climbed off their horses.

"And I very much intend to go through with that opportunity!"

"I told you Boss! Should have let me gag him when I offered to do it."

"I'm beginning to regret not taking you up on that offer, Bull."

"You let him do that and I will end up with my mouth sewed shut before anyone had the chance to say 'Blood magic'!" Dorian said, throwing his arms in the air in a theatrical gesture.

"I already told you Dorian, I would buy you dinner first." Bull's voice was openly teasing and he winked at the tevinter mage rather conspicuously. "I'll be at the tavern if you want to take on _that_ offer."

And with those words, he strode towards the Herald's rest, leaving Trevelyan with a very annoyed Dorian who was still brooding and muttering swear words under his breath, cursing about some cocky one eyed qunari.

"Cheeky bastard..."

"Tss… and you said Cullen and I were pathetic when we were flirting."

She nudged Dorian's shoulder, who raised a brow at her.

"You're both still pathetic, sweetheart, I just don't say it anymore because that strapping man of yours, in his shiny armor, making goo goo eyes at you is a precious sight! And I will very much pretend I didn't hear you hinting that Bull and I are… flirting!"

"You wound me my friend! Your experience in flirting with men may fairly well exceed mine, but let me tell you this, you don't spend over fifteen years in a chantry circle and not learn to pick up the hints of a booty call!"

Trevelyan flashed him a smug grin and, even though Dorian wasn't ready to admit it openly just yet, she was right. There was only so much teasing two people could throw at each other before it became a cover up for something else. But what exactly? Dorian sighed, a Qunari and a Tevinter mage? In what kind of mess had he let himself being caught…. Again.

"Speaking of the frustrating men in our lives, yours awaits you." Dorian said when his eyes caught sight of Cullen's familiar silhouette on the battlements above them. "I'm surprised he didn't come down to sweep you off your feet, the moment we arrived."

"We've only been gone for a few days this time. Besides, things are still a bit… difficult for him."

She needn't say more. Dorian had become a very close friend and she had talked to him about the difficulties Cullen and her had encountered because of his lyrium withdrawal.

"He still offered you a very romantic breakfast in bed."

"He did and it was very nice and sweet but after, he was in pain again and he didn't try to hide it this time, which is a progress, but I could sense that, me being around, it made him uneasy. So I left him alone and I had to drag you to Redcliffe before he and I had a chance to talk." She said, fidgeting with the hem of her sleeve.

"You're overthinking this, sweetheart, again. That man is a damn stubborn one, who, quite like you, thinks it's bad if someone sees him in a weak moment. He opened up to you, didn't he? So don't worry too much. Given time, he'll become more at ease around you in these moments." Dorian assured her.

"But what if it gets worse…"

"Aaah, so that's what really is troubling you." He slid his arms around Trevelyan's shoulders to comfort her. "Cassandra is confident he can make it, isn't she?"

"She is, but she also admits she has no idea what could happen next."

"Well, I don't know much about lyrium withdrawal and southerner Templars, other than the fact that a lot of them are a really distracting sight, but I know the commander enough to tell you that if someone can make it through, it's him! Now go!" He ushered her towards the stairs, and as she started to climb, he added, loudly: "And next time you are in bed together, do try to remember it's used for others things than sleeping! It will be good for the both of you!"

"Dorian, another comment about this, and next time we leave Skyhold, I swear I'll put you and Bull in the same tent!"

"That's not playing nice!"

"It's the Game, my dear, it's not meant to be nice!" She said, impersonating a rather believable Vivienne, then, sticking her tongue out, more like Sera, she ran up the stairs, hearing his laughter as she reached the top.

Feeling quite pleased with herself, for once, at being able to win one of these stupid discussions with Dorian, she ambled towards Cullen's spot on the battlements. He was gazing at the frozen landscape and he seemed relaxed, enjoying the feel of the wind on his face. When she was closer to him he turned towards her with a slightly bashful smile on his lips.

"I wanted to thank you… When you came to see me the other day… if there's anything…this sounded much better in my head." He said with a deep sigh as his hand came to rub the back of his neck, something he couldn't help but do whenever he was feeling either uneasy or embarrassed.

"I trust you're feeling better?"

Cullen seemed more open than before to have a discussion about himself and his troubles while dealing with his lyrium withdrawal. She remained careful with her question, mindful not to push too far too quickly.

"I…yes."

"Is it always that bad?"

"The pain comes and goes. Sometimes I feel as if I'm back there… I should not have pushed myself so far that day."

"I'm just glad you're all right." She said, briefly laying her hand on his arm. Being there for him, listening to anything he might want to say was the only and probably the best thing she could do right now.

"I am." He gazed back at the landscape. He looked far better than a few days ago, less dark circles under his eyes and he was less tensed overall. Yet, if the pain of his body had receded, the one of his mind still painted the hints of sorrow and regrets on his face. "I've never told anyone what truly happened to me at Ferelden's circle. I was… not myself after that. I was angry. For years, that anger blinded me. I'm not proud of the man that made me."

His anger and the self-loathing he felt was readable on his face. She came to his side, her eyes focused on the mountains when she spoke again.

"I am glad you told me. And, Cullen, I'll never pry, you know that, not about something so painful and personal but I want you to know that, if you need to talk, to share whatever happened, whatever thoughts are haunting you, I am here for you."

"Of course you are, and I know that, but Alexis…" He cupped her face in his hand, inviting her to look at him. There was sadness in his eyes. "The way I saw mages… I'm not sure I would have cared about you, and the thought of that sickens me."

She leaned into his touch, covering his hand with her own before laying a soft kiss against his palm.

"What you endured, no one would have made it out unscathed. And what matters, it's not the mistakes you may have done in the past, it's how you chose to not repeat them and how you decide to cope with everything that happened in your life. People change Cullen, you changed. At first because it was your only way to survive, and now again, because you realized you couldn't go down that path anymore, because deep down you knew it wasn't who you truly are inside."

"And what is that?"

"A good man. A man that cares about the people close to him, protects them in every way he can! And someone that admits he made mistakes and tries very hard to right them."

"I…I still don't know how you can see all that in me." He said with a sigh, letting his hand fall down from her face. "After everything… But you're right, and working for the inquisition is my chance to atone. We are making a difference and I begin to feel that, now, I can put some distance between myself and everything that happened. It's a start."

"For what it's worth, I like who you are now." Alexis said with a warm smile.

"Even after…?"

It was foolish to ask and Cullen knew it. She said to him, several times already, that what happened in his past wouldn't change how she felt for him. Yet, there was this unshakable fear settled deep in his heart that she would come to despise him, leave him either because of some of the things he did and said in his past, or because of how broken he believed the better parts of him were.

"Cullen, I care about you. You've done nothing to change that."

She stepped closer to him, emphasizing the meaning of her words by showing him that she was there and that she wanted to be with him. He smiled at her and brushed her arm with his hand, as if to reassure himself that she was really there before him.

"What about you? You have troubles of your own. How are you holding up?"

It was all he was ready to share for now and Trevelyan accepted that. Cullen was used with placing the needs of others above his own, it would take him time to become more at ease with sharing his troubles and it would take even more time for him to understand that taking care of his needs truly mattered. To Cullen it felt like he already took too much time talking about himself and his problems, especially since the woman before him was carrying such a tremendous weight on her shoulders.

Alexis leaned against the battlement, considering her answer for a while.

"Honestly, I'm terrified." She finally admitted to Cullen. "So many people depend on us. On me. Corypheus is still out there"

"We've made great strides. Do not doubt yourself, or the inquisition, just yet. If there's anything I can do, you have only to ask."

"I know." She said with a small smile. "You already do so much to help me. I couldn't ask for a better military advisor. And I couldn't ask for a better person with whom I can simply be myself and to whom I can actually say that I am afraid." She extended her hand to Cullen and he took it. "It's just so overwhelming at times. I try not to think too much about it because if I do, I feel like I will crumble underneath all this weight and all the expectations people placed on me."

Cullen pulled her to him and slipped his free arm around her waist, while he brought the hand he was still holding to his lips and kissed it.

"I know it must be hard, but you're doing great! And, true, we placed a heavy weight on your shoulders when Cassandra Leliana Josephine and I decided to make you the inquisitor. But you impressed all of us with your ability to lead and to make tough decisions long before that. And you continue to do so. You can do this. And whenever you feel like it's too much, remember that I am here and I'll do whatever I can to help you."

Alexis wrapped her arms around Cullen's neck, drawing strength from his embrace. His presence was grounding her, bringing her a sense of peace amidst the chaos like nothing else could.

"It's still hard at times to wrap my head around everything that happened. I never wanted any of this. Before, all I ever wanted was to be free, to be able to live outside the circle the way I wanted and without having a Templar always looking my back."

 _Before?_ Cullen knew that breaking free from the circle and the Templar scrutiny had been her dream, but now, was she thinking about something else for her future once the war would be over? Was she thinking about having a future with him the same way he did?

"And now, what do you want?" He asked tentatively.

She looked up at him and Cullen felt like she could read his intention as clearly as if he was an open book. She bit her lip, obviously taking the time to choose her words carefully. Cullen felt his heart tighten painfully in his chest as a discreet twinge of fear knotted his insides. What if she didn't want a future with him?

"Now, I wish I had the luxury to think about my future. I know it's not what you wanted to hear but it's all I can say. Every time I catch myself thinking about what will happen afterwards, once Corypheus is defeated, it's like I have this little voice in my head who tells me that I don't have much chance to make it out alive. And seeing that Redcliffe and Haven were very close calls I…"

"Don't." Cullen interrupted her. "I'm sorry, Alexis. I shouldn't have asked."

He closed his arms around her, feeling like a fool. There he was, wondering if she might want a future with him when she was afraid of not having a future at all. And now he was afraid of that too.

"Cullen, you don't have to apologize. And truly, I wish I could talk about it but I just can't for now."

"I understand." He said as he leaned his forehead against hers.

"Though, there is one thing I can tell you."

"Yes?"

"I want you."

And with those simple words, Cullen's fears vanished. He looked at her, probably awestruck, trying to find something, anything, to say to her and share how happy he was to be with her and that he too wanted her. The look on his face was more than enough, and before he could say a single word, Alexis pulled him to her in a bruising kiss. She parted his lips, her tongue exploring his mouth, her hand tangled in his hair. And Cullen surrendered to her kiss, just as his heart had surrendered to her, long ago.

* * *

Cullen couldn't stop thinking about his last discussion with Trevelyan. It obsessed him for the whole day. . He had to do something for her, help her change her mind off of the serious business of the inquisition and allow her to be herself for a few days. She was too committed to her work and her position as the inquisitor to ask it for herself. She probably wasn't even thinking about it or how she needed a break, but he could plan it for her. For them. And he knew exactly what to do.

As soon as the idea came to his mind he knew he wouldn't stop thinking about it until he made it reality. And that's why he found himself opening the door to Josephine's office. "Cullen! You finally decided to join us. I had completely lost hope you would one day grant us the pleasure of your presence."

Josephine's singsong voice greeted him, and damn, he had completely forgotten that the ambassador took time, once a week, to have an afternoon tea with Leliana and, sometimes, the inquisitor, though, this time, the spymaster was the only one present.

"Sorry I… wasn't hum…"

"Oh stop fretting Cullen, we both know you simply had forgotten about our lasting invitation to join us." Leliana said with a grin. "So, what urgent matter has made you leave your lair?"

He had initially planned to speak to the two women separately and in doing so, avoid a lot of teasing. Well, too late, he would have to face it now. If he wanted his plan to work, he hadn't a lot of time before him to make everything perfect.

"Actually I have a favor to ask."

"A favor? My, commander, I am very much intrigued now. You never asked for a favor before." Josephine said with a toothy smile, Leliana nodding in approval.

"Do you have to act like… urgh, never mind. I was wondering if it was possible to clear the inquisitor's schedule for the better part of next week. I know you had several meetings planned."

As he feared, the ladies' smiles went up to their ears and their eyes glinted with mischief.

"Well I do have a few appointments with some of our allies that the inquisitor was supposed to attend, but, depending on the circumstances, I'm sure I can find a proper way to explain her absence."

"I believe those were very important meetings, Josie." Leliana added with a voice too sweet to be honest. "But I'm sure that our dear Commander wouldn't consider steering the inquisitor away from her duties if it wasn't of the upmost importance."

"Yes. Do tell us what matter brought you to ask for such drastic measures." Josephine said, her warm eyes not leaving Cullen's, her broad smile making her look far too affable.

"You're not going to leave this matter alone, are you?" And as the two women simply continue to grin wickedly at him, he knew there was no way he was getting out of there without spilling everything out. "Fine! Since the conclave, Alexis barely had a day to rest and it only gotten worse since she became the inquisitor. The responsibilities and expectations that we have all placed on her shoulders are beginning to weigh her down. She won't come to us and ask for a reprieve because she does not want to let us and everyone down, so I thought I could do something for her so she could…have a few days to herself."

There was no fooling these two cunning women, and especially it seems in matters of the heart but, oh well, a man's got to try anyway.

"A few days for herself, or for the both of you?"Was Leliana's sneaky question.

"Must you really hear the answer? Because I feel like you already know it."

The spymaster wiggled her eyebrows at him in a fashion that meant; yes I really much want you to say it. "Yes, for both of us."

Cullen begrudgingly conceded "I was thinking about taking Alexis away from Skyhold for a few days, since it seems impossible to even share a quiet evening here. I have everything sort out to make up for my absence. I only need your help to arrange a few things. And I would appreciate if you would keep all this under wraps."

The two women stayed silent for a short while, then, Josephine simply couldn't hold back the squeal of delight that came past her lips.

"Holy Andraste, you _are_ planning a little getaway! It's soooo romantic! Have you chosen a place yet?"

"Hum…yes?" Cullen said tentatively, surprised by the ambassador's reaction.

"Where?"

"There's a lake near Honnleath I know the place and…"

"Oh I'm sure she will love it!" Josephine said, beaming at him.

"So, you can clear her schedule?"

"Of course, Cullen! I'll arrange everything. You and Alexis will have the time you need."

"Give me the location and I'll have one of my trusted agents scout the place for you. Don't worry, nobody will know it's for the both of you." Leliana added.

"Oh. Great. Thanks."

"You sound surprised, Commander." The spymaster said, looking up at him.

"I don't know, you two have taken a liking at torturing me for the sake of your own amusement. I had guessed you would let me hanging for a while longer. "

"We're not that bad!" Josephine tsked.

"Besides, your idea is great. The inquisitor has been under a lot of stress and strain, a few days away from all her responsibilities will do her much good."

"Well, thanks, both of you." Cullen said, unable to help the silly grin that tug at the corner of his lips. He and Alexis together and away from Skyhold, his heart skipped a beat at the mere glimpses of the possibilities before them and anxiety as much as eager anticipation settled in his stomach. Alone, with her, for days… He had never done anything like this before. He had never been in such a long relationship before, he hoped he wouldn't ruin it or make too much a fool of himself.

"Go now! I'm sure you can't wait to tell your Lady about it. Oh and Cullen? Please, do try to enjoy yourself."

Cullen rolled his eyes, mumbling _"Will do"_ before leaving the room. Given how wildly the two women were still smiling when he turned his back to them, he knew he hadn't heard the end of yet another merciless teasing session.


	51. Chapter 51

**A/N: Hey there! First I'd like to thank Lilyth Celestyn and kimmyycubb for their reviews and their kind words, and also everyone who has faved and followed the story! For the first time in a couple of weeks I am finally able to post an update almost in time! Yaay! But unfortunatly the next ones will probably take more time because I am moving out on monday and the next weeks will most certainly be very busy because I am leaving for another country and I will have a lot of things to do before I can settle down. Anyway, I hope you will like this new chapter! Don't hesitate to tell me what you thought about it!**

* * *

"There you are!"

Cullen's gaze landed on her the moment she walked through his door that afternoon, smile lighting up his face, his voice low and deep, seductive, even if it wasn't on purpose.

"Were you waiting for me?" She asked as she strolled towards his desk with a slight sway of her hips.

"Yes. I mean, no."

And just like that he was back to his bashful and uneasy, yet still very charming, self. A grin crept up Alexis' lips as she couldn't help but pull on his leg a little.

"Oh good. I've kept and not kept you waiting." She said, hands on her hips, sassing him a little.

"Let me start over"

"By all means."

"We have some dealings in Ferelden. I was hoping you might accompany me. When you can spare the time, of course."

He had a strange expression on his face, one Trevelyan rarely saw before. Was it anxiety, apprehension?

"Is something wrong?"

"What? No. I would rather explain there. If you wish to go."

A most cryptic answer for the unusual very straightforward commander. What was on his mind right now, Trevelyan couldn't figure it out. But, well, if Cullen wanted her to accompany him somewhere, she wasn't about to say no!

"Actually, Josephine told me that the meetings I was supposed to attend this week have been postponed I believe that means I have time now."

"I will make the necessary arrangements. Can you be ready for tomorrow morning?"

"Sure. Do I need anything specific for this… trip?"

Something was definitely strange and out of the ordinary and it was bugging her. And why was Cullen so enigmatic all of a sudden? Questions were running wild in her head, though she knew she wouldn't get more out of him at the moment.

"Hum…no? I... don't think so." Was Cullen's very unsure response.

"All right, then I should let you work. It looks like you are very busy."

She glanced back between him and the large stack of papers on his desk. Cullen rarely left Skyhold unless it was out of true necessity and Trevelyan was sure he was head deep in doing as much work as he could before he left and making sure everything ran smoothly in his absence.

"I'll see you later."

She gave him a smile and turned to leave when Cullen gently grabbed her wrist. His other hand came to her face, fingers curling around her neck while his thumb stroked her jawline, in a very soft and intimate gesture. When she lifted her gaze and saw in his eyes the emotions and the feelings he had for her, her knees felt weak and her heart missed a beat. He leaned towards her and captured her lips in the most sweet and tender kiss. And in that moment, she knew. She simply knew, without any doubt or question, that she loved him.

"See you later."

Cullen whispered against her lips as he broke the kiss. He went back to his work, not without smiling at her and it was on shaky legs that Trevelyan left his office. Void, what was happening to her?

* * *

"Urgh… what am I supposed to do!" Alexis said as she collapsed onto her bed.

"Everything is going to be fine!" Lara tried to reassure her, not that it was about to work.

"She's right, you're over reacting. It's Cullen, for maker's sake!"

"Meaning?" Trevelyan quirked a brow at Hawke who was sitting by the fire place.

"Meaning he'll probably be more lost than you! I'm surprised the thought of taking you away even crossed his mind." Hawke said, hiding her mischievous grin behind her glass of wine.

"I am not even sure of what he has in mind! He was so… reserved about this whole thing! For all I know it could truly be about some inquisition business!"

Alexis grimaced at Cassandra while running a hand through her now disheveled hair, sighing. The situation was driving her crazy and neither of her friends were of any help right now.

"I already told you, there are no current missions in Ferelden that would require Cullen's presence." The seeker said.

"And, as if by magic, your schedule for the next days is clear, meetings postponed, guests late. What a coincidence!" Hawke added, a bit sarcastically.

"Listen to them Lex, and stop worrying. This will be great! You'll get to spend some time together, and you'll have a few days to relax and forget about being inquisitor. And we all know how much you need that."

"Right, relax. And how am I supposed to do that when I have no idea what he has in mind or what he expects!"

Trevelyan stood up and started pacing. A few days away from Skyhold, with Cullen, the two of them alone, the thought was both exciting and a bit scary. It was strange how she felt at ease with him, how he made her feel safe and yet, at the same time, she had never felt so afraid to make a mistake.

"Well, he's still a man and you two have been dancing around each other for what, nearly half a year now? He probably has at least one thing in mind." Hawke said with a playful wink and Lara vigorously nodded her agreement.

"Thank you Marian, I truly haven't thought about that one myself!" Trevelyan replied sarcastically while Cassandra made a disgusted noise before speaking.

"Nonsense. Cullen is a gentleman; he would never do this just in order to… woo you!"

The seeker's reaction had the other women snorted in amusement.

"I know Cass! I am sure that's not the purpose of Cullen's proposal. Not that it's not on his mind, well in both our minds actually. But it's strange. I don't know about him but I never felt uneasy to have a tumble in the hay or in a dark corner of the circle's library, but now I feel like it's this huge step forward in our relationship and it makes me really self-conscious."

Alexis sighed, refilled her glass of wine and let herself fall down on the couch next to Lara.

"Maker's balls, you really got it bad for the guy." Hawke said with a small laugh.

"That obvious?"

"Yes. And believe it or not but I know the feeling."

The two women exchanged a friendly smile. Hawke never talked much about Anders, their situation way past complicated given the events in Kirkwall, yet Alexis knew Marian was always honest whenever she hinted about him or their relationship.

"But, like I said, don't worry too much. It's Cullen! The man still blushes furiously when I remind him how Isabela hit on him or about how I had to speak to the ladies of a brothel because he couldn't get a straight answer out of them. He'll probably feel as nervous as you."

"Great then we'll both won't know what to do… Wait, Isabela hit on him?" Alexis stopped her trail of thought and looked, amused, at Hawke.

"Well, Isabela hit on a lot of people, but Cullen made it terribly funny to watch, to his own expense."

"All right. Spill it, Hawke, I want to know that one."

And Hawke made a rather colorful description of Cullen's struggle to remain a dignified Templar while resisting to the pirate queen's charms.

"… And I remember telling Isabela that if she wanted to ensnare that one, she'd better play more on the subtle side. But of course, she had none of it! I believe Cullen left, quite in a hurry, after she sat on his lap, invited him to her chamber, again, and whispered things to his ear I surely don't want to know. Though, knowing Isabela, I'm fairly certain Cullen was glad to have his Templar skirt on. Otherwise I'm sure everyone would have seen the effect of her little stunt on him."

Lara and Alexis were laughing loudly and though she was trying to hide it, Cassandra was even grinning.

"Maker's breath! I can totally imagine his face!"

"We shouldn't be laughing on his account like that. It must have been really embarrassing for him." The Seeker finally said once she was perfectly composed again.

"Want to hear some embarrassing stories about Lex to compensate? Because I have plenty of them!" Lara announced.

"Don't you dare!"

"Remember the ball for the grand tourney?"

"Oh no, not that one!"

"Yes that one!" Lara said cheerfully.

"And here goes what I had left of my dignity!" Trevelyan said, drinking a long sip of wine while the other women laughed.

* * *

The convoy left Skyhold early in the morning and barely stopped until they reached the inquisition's outpost guarding the passage leading up into the Frostbacks. The day was mostly spent in silence, the soldiers impressed by both the presence of the inquisitor and the commander. They all seemed very focused, not wanting to be caught up with their guard down by their commanding officer. On her part, Trevelyan had been day-dreaming. She had ridden down that path so many times already that she, and snowflake, knew the way by heart.

She exchanged a few words with Cullen along the way, their brief discussions only professional since they had quite an audience. They had never really traveled together and in stark comparison to the nearly constant chit chat between Bull Dorian and Varric and Blackwall and Sera, she realized how calm he was.

After sharing a peaceful meal with the soldiers they all went to sleep. The outpost wasn't very big and the barracks didn't have a place for everyone, yet they always managed to clear a room for the inquisitor and her companions whenever they traveled through there. She was untying her bedroll when Cullen entered.

"The night is expected to be particularly cold so I brought you this." He said as he handed her an extra blanket and furs.

"Thanks, that's sweet of you." She placed them on the makeshift bed then looked up at Cullen expecting… What exactly she didn't know. It was strange, being there with him, without any of her companions and yet they were not truly alone at the moment since only a very thin door was separating them from a room full of soldiers.

"So…"

"Yes?"

"Hum, you'll probably want to rest we still have a long road tomorrow." Cullen said, rubbing at the back of his neck.

"Where are we going? I know the soldiers are going to Caer Bronach but I imagine that's not our destination?" Trevelyan asked tentatively.

"No. We'll go on our own way probably by midday tomorrow."

"Just the two of us then?"

A hopeful smile came to her face and yet she couldn't help but chew on her bottom lip, apprehension weighing in the pit of her stomach. Cullen was nervous too, and he blushed ever so slightly as he stepped closer to her, placing his hands on her hips.

"Just the two of us."

"Good." She said as she wrapped her arms around his neck. "You know, it was really hard to be next to you all day and having to keep a professional distance."

"It was hard for me too." He admitted. "You are a very distracting sight."

Not wanting to wait any longer, she pressed herself against him, silencing his groan of surprise by capturing his lips in a kiss. They lingered there, enjoying their first moment of intimacy of the day, their kiss soft and tender, and their embrace warm and gentle.

"I should let you rest. We'll probably be departing early in the morning once again." Cullen said as he broke their kiss. He brought his hand to her face, cupping it in his palm, his thumb tracing the line of her cheekbones and stroking her cheek. A small gesture he found himself often repeating, as if, more than anything else, it reminded him that she was there, she was real and she wanted to be with him.

"What about you?" Trevelyan asked, leaning into his touch.

"I still have some work to do. The officer in charge here asked for a meeting with me."

"Yeah, not every day the Commander is down here, I guess it's normal he wants to make a good impression on you."

"Something like that. I'd better get going but… hum…" A light blush began to creep up Cullen's neck and Trevelyan had to encourage him to continue to talk. "Well there isn't much place to sleep and apparently everyone is insisted that I should sleep here too…"

They had shared a room, even a bed, before, but the circumstances were very different, he had been in pain from his withdrawal and Alexis' presence had been only to comfort him, and two, there were no soldiers just outside the door.

"Off course you can sleep here. Usually, I never sleep alone, Cassandra and Solas are here every time. And Dorian even likes to steal the bed, I pushed him down once, after he fell asleep." She said with a smile, trying to ease his discomfort.

"I told you tevinter mages were trouble."

His voice was teasing, so was the smirk tugging at the corner of his lips where he had his scar. Trevelyan knew Cullen appreciated Dorian, the two of them often played chess together and sometimes even couldn't resist taunting each other.

"And I was told pretty Templar boys were trouble as well." She said with a smug grin.

"Well it seems you are indeed in a lot of trouble, my Lady."

"That I am! But I think I like it." She kissed his lips once more before letting him go. "Don't take too long. I know you tend to think otherwise, but you could use the sleep, like anyone else."

"I'll keep that in mind. Now go to bed, you need sleep even more than I do."

"Yes, ser."

Cullen smiled at her jest then laid a soft kiss on her forehead before leaving the room. Once the door was closed, Alexis quickly stripped, keeping only her smallclothes and a shirt on and settled comfortably underneath the blankets, thinking about what Cullen finally admitted to her. They were going somewhere where they would be alone, just the two of them. She felt excited and nervous and Maker she had no idea of what she was supposed to do. But it was good. After all, so far, everything new she had experienced with Cullen had been good, it wouldn't be different this time. She was sure of it.

It was deep in the night when she awoke, feeling cold despite the blanket tightened around her. She sat up straight, looking for the extra fur Cullen had given her earlier, but the room was completely dark.

That's when she felt something, no someone, shift beside her. Cullen. Deep in sleep she hadn't realized he had joined her.

"Something wrong?" Came his sleepy question.

"No I'm just cold, was just wondering where I left that extra blanket."

"Come here." He said, leaving her no choice when he slipped his arm around her waist and pulled her down next to him. She lay down beside him, nestled against his side, while he grabbed a thick fur cover and placed it above them. "Maker's breath but you _are_ cold." He added when he touched her hands and cheek, checking her temperature. Finding her ice cold, he tightened his embrace around her in hope his body temperature would warm her.

"It's since the attack on Haven, the time I spent in the blizzard. It's like I no longer resist the cold as strongly as I should. For a frost mage at least."

"Good thing I'm here then. I'm practically never cold." He mumbled while laying a kiss on the top of her head.

"Yeah… figured that out." Alexis said while snuggling as close as him and his natural warmth as she could, slipping her cold fingers under his shirt, making Cullen hiss a little when she touched his skin.

"How so?"

"That hole in the roof of your bedroom. You would have fixed it if you were cold."

"True enough." Cullen chuckled, a smile grazing his lips.

Soon, Alexis' hands which were tracing lazy patterns on his chest went still and her body felt heavier in his arms as sleep took her once more. Finding a new sense of peace and comfort in having the woman he loved curled up against him, Cullen too allowed himself to fall back asleep.

* * *

"Where did you even learn how to do that?" Cullen asked with wide and astonished eyes.

"Trevelyans are famous for their horses, remember? I knew how to ride before I knew how to walk."

"Yes but that…jumping on your horse back while he is galloping, I am fairly certain it's not included in the manual for how proper noble ladies should ride a horse."

"You should know by now that I am everything but a proper noble lady, Rutherford." Alexis said with sly smile.

"Right. I keep forgetting it." He responded on the same tone.

That's how they spent the day once they parted ways from the soldiers around midday. Talking about futilities, joking and Alexis showing off pretty much everything silly she was able to do while on a horse. Much to Cullen's pleasure and amusement. It was good to see her relaxed and carefree and they quickly agreed that the less they would talk about business related to the inquisition, the better it would be.

When the sun disappeared beneath the horizon they made camp for the night. Cullen took care of the tent, the fire and their meal while Alexis tended to the horses, removing the saddles, brushing them and taking them to a nearby stream so they could drink. When she came back, everything was ready and they ate in a comfortable silence by the fire. Cullen already told her that they would reach their destination sometime around tomorrow afternoon. She still had no idea where he was taking her exactly, and she figured out that, if he wanted to keep it a surprise, she wouldn't push and let him lead things the way he wanted.

They spent the rest of the evening cuddling by the fire, talking about the simple joys of life, about how it was nice to simply be around each other and not having to hide for once. They looked at the stars and Alexis told Cullen about the astariums she came across while traveling, told him about the constellations she recognized in the night sky, or the ones she thought she recognized anyway.

When Trevelyan yawned one too much time Cullen said it was time for both of them to go to sleep and she didn't argue with him. She went inside the rather large tent and found out that Cullen had set up their bedrolls on each side of it, a cloth splitting the space in two and allowing them some sort of privacy. If she was honest with herself, she wasn't sure what to think about it, wanting to be close to him yet still feeling a bit self-conscious about how to take the steps towards more intimacy between them. It seems Cullen felt the same way.

Choosing not to voice any of her questions, she went to her side of the tent and disrobed quickly. The night air was a bit chilly and she wasted no time before crawling underneath her blanket. On the other side she heard Cullen removing the last pieces of his armor that he hadn't discarded earlier so she would be more comfortable as they laid by the fire in each other's arms.

As he lied down, they both wished last words of good night and went to sleep. Trevelyan found herself dwelling about the situation for a moment, listening to Cullen shifting on his bedroll, listening to his breathing. Yet, it wasn't long before the weariness of the day caught up with her and she fell asleep.

"No… Please, stop!"

She woke up to the sounds of someone pleading. It took Trevelyan a short moment to get her bearings and realize what was happening. On the other side of the tent Cullen was still talking in his sleep, his voice betraying the pain he was in. Unable to remain idle she got up and, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders to shield her from the cold, she crossed to his side of the tent and knelt beside him. She laid her hand on his shoulder when he trashed once again and this simple touch made him awoke with a start.

"Cullen?"

His breathing ragged and painful he looked at her with no less surprise in his eyes as if he had just seen a ghost. Then, without a warning, he pulled Alexis into his arms in a fierce and crushing embrace.

"Thank the Maker you're all right! Tell me you are." He said as he buried his head in her neck, desperately needing to be reassured that she was there and real.

"I am fine but you're crushing me a little."

"Sorry." Immediately his embrace loosened and, far more gently this time, he pulled her down with him as he lay back down. "Sorry I wake you up." He added, kissing her forehead and making room for her on his bedroll so they could be both comfortable, nestled in each other's arms underneath the blankets.

"It's all right. Feels better to be here than alone on the other side of the tent, you know."

"I…hum… Well I didn't want you to feel obliged to…"

"I know. It's all right. Wanna tell me about your nightmare?"

Cullen's grip tightened a little around her and Alexis laid her hands on his back. He was shirtless and she softly traced soothing patterns on his skin.

"It was… memories, from what happened at Kinloch Hold. I lost friends there, people I was very close to. Sometimes I dream that I lose you too." The words didn't came easily to him. He wanted to say more, to bare his memories to her, but years of locking his feelings down still got in the way.

"Is it what you dreamt off just now? Loosing me?"

Cullen's only response came as a nod and in the way he pressed her flush against him wanting to feel every inch of her.

"Well I am here so there is no need to worry. I am not going anywhere." She whispered to him and he nodded once more.

They remained in silence for a while and to Cullen, their embrace, the feeling of her body, soft and warm pressed against him was all he needed right now. Yet, Alexis could feel he was still tense. She wanted to help him, to chase away the last figment of the nightmare that was still clinging onto him. She did the first thing that came to her mind, the one that had help her get back to sleep, the one thing that Lydia, her mentor who had been like a mother, did when she was but a child ripped from her home: she sang to him. She sang him a song that was soft and appeasing, a song that spoke about journeys and better days.

Cullen had never heard her sing like that and he immediately wished she would do so more often. Lulled by her soft and crystal clear voice, comforted by the weight of her body in his arms, he soon allowed sleep to claim him once more for the night.

* * *

 **A/N: Just in case some of you are curious, the song I had in mind while writing that last scene and the one I pictured Alexis singing is Skye Boat Song by Kathryn Jones (also known as the main theme for the show outlander ;) )**


	52. Chapter 52

**A/N:** **Hello everybody! I am so glad I finally got the time to post a new chapter. I know it's been a while since the last one but, good news, things should slowly calm down within the week since I will be in my new home Wednesday! With a bit of luck I should be able to have more time to write and update the fic more regularly. I wanted to say a big thank you to Elara Dreamstar and Lilyth Celestyn for their lovely reviews! And also thanks to all of you, favs and followers, readers, I hope you will enjoy this new chapter!**

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They reached the cabin sometime around midday. The place was beautiful and quiet, nestled between the woods and a big lake. They sure weren't about to be disturbed while they were here. Once the horses were settled in the big stall near the cabin, they grabbed their belongings and made their way in.

Trevelyan wasn't sure what to expect but what she saw clearly hadn't been on her mind. The place was clean, smelled clean even. There were boxes in a corner with what looked like food and provisions, furs and blankets, even a mattress. Someone had clearly put a lot of effort to prepare this little trip. She looked at Cullen with a smile on her face yet found that he was as surprised as she was with the level of tidiness of the place.

"Josephine, or Leliana?" She asked, her arms crossed on her chest, a grin tugging the corner of her lips upwards.

"What?" He glanced in her direction, arching a brow.

"Which one help you set all this up?"

"Hum… both, I guess?" Cullen rubbed the back of his neck, looking nervously at Trevelyan. "Does it bother you?"

"By the fact that you actually managed to convince Josephine to clear my schedule so you could snatch me away from Skyhold?" She sashayed towards him, a wicked grin still playing on her lips. "Or that Leliana's romantic side made her send all this for us?" she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down her lips hovering above his. "Yes I am terribly bothered." She said in jest before capturing his lips for a brief kiss.

"You are a tease Trevelyan, you know that?" Cullen was grinning, glad to see that she approved of his decision to take her here. He knew it wasn't fancy but he figured that the simplicity and the calm of the place wouldn't bother her. He placed his hands on her hips and relished in the thought that they would have two full days just for themselves. Two days when he wouldn't have to keep himself in check, to maintain a professional distance from her, two days when he could simply be with her, kiss her, hold her in his arms whenever they wanted.

"Perhaps. But you like it."

"You may be right."

He kissed her once more, savoring the sweet taste of her lips and feeling intoxicated by her presence and the feel of her body pressed against him.

"What do you say about eating something and then going for a walk?" Cullen asked when they parted.

"Sounds nice. I'll get some water for the horses and logs for the fire, you take care of the food?"

"As you wish. Though you should know my skills in cooking are rather limited."

"I'm sure it will still be better than mine. The only cooking skills I picked up where around a campfire, and I am a terrible hunter."

"Really? I thought you often hunt with the others when you are on the road."

She made a negative gesture with her head, a small pout tugging at her lips. "Nope. I pretend I do and I even tried, several times but every time I see a rabbit or a ram and it looks at me with those big eyes I immediately feel really bad for wanting to kill it and… I let it go. So, me hunting basically resumes at finding a nice spot to take a nap or talk with Solas and letting Varric do everything in my place."

Cullen couldn't prevent his heartfelt laugh, which immediately caused Trevelyan to frown at him.

"What?"

"Nothing really… aside from the fact that the mighty inquisitor can actually be defeated in battle… by a rabbit….Ouch!"

She punched him in the shoulder and was yet trying to hide her own smile.

"Not funny Rutherford! And it's not my fault if they are cute."

"Not helping your case by saying that Trevelyan." Cullen said, trying really hard to contain his laughter.

"Fine, laugh all you want. I'll have my revenge later."

She had a sly smirk on her face and Cullen knew that it meant she truly had something up her sleeves.

"I feel like I should be worried."

Alexis ambled towards the door and threw him one last mischievous glance.

"Nothing really, just something Hawke told me."

And with those words, she was out, but not before hearing Cullen sighed and curse about his female co-workers and their knack at making his life difficult.

* * *

"Are you going to tell me how you know this place?" Trevelyan asked as Cullen led them to a small pier on the lake. She flashed him a grin which made Cullen smile, yet he looked at her with a seriousness that hadn't been there for the whole afternoon.

"You walk into danger every day. I wanted to take you away from that. If only for a moment." Alexis smiled gratefully at him, clearly enjoying what he did for her. "And to answer your question. I grew up not far from here. This place was always quiet."

"Did you come here often?"

"I loved my siblings, but they were very loud. I would come here to clear my head. Of course, they always found me eventually." He chuckled at the memories of Rosalie coming running towards him and screaming his name, of Branson trying to tackle him in the lake, of Mia rustling his hair and chiding her little brother for disappearing yet having a smile on her face.

"You were happy here?" Said as a question, even if she knew the answer. It was painted all over his face as Cullen turned his head towards her.

"I was. I still am." He assured then, once again, turned his gaze to the vast lake, seeming to enjoy the view not only for its beauty but for the memories it brought back.

A peaceful silence stretched between them while they simply enjoyed the view and the calm. It felt nice to be able to be together and never being interrupted either by a call of "Inquisitor" or "Commander".

"Did you imagined that one day you would be here, alone, with a mage?" It was more a rhetorical question, for she knew he never would have imagined such a thing. What where the odds that they would find themselves, former Templar and former circle mage, here together on a little romantic trip? Not very high that's for certain.

"Until recently, no. I know a lot happened in a short amount of time and somehow it makes me feel like the time when I was truly a member of the order is far away. In reality, it's really not that long ago. And the Templars have rules on…fraternization. I am glad that I'm no longer bound by them." Cullen said to her with a smile.

"Would it really have stopped you? If we'd met before?" The question was genuine, even if disguised by a slight teasing tone in her voice.

"I don't…I…" Cullen suddenly looked sheepish and he almost blushed at her inquiry, fumbling with his words. He never dared asked himself that question. What if they had met while in the circle? How would he have acted? Professional and keeping his distance? If he had met her in Kirkwall, would he have been forced to apply sanctions on her? For she would surely have been amongst the more rebellious mages there. Or, above everything else, would she have found a way to his heart?

"You could say, _"No, of course not."_ " She smiled to him, trying to dissipate the conflicted emotions her questions had brought him.

"It is hard to believe I wouldn't have noticed you." Cullen finally admitted, certain that no matter where or when, she would have captured his attention. But the prospect of what could have become if they had met in a circle couldn't help but make him feel sad. "I am happy that I will never have to found out what truly would have happened in those circumstances. We would have… I don't need to remind you of the consequences our relationship would have caused, especially for you."

He sighed and took her hand in his. She laced their fingers together and closed the small gap between them before laying a soft and chaste kiss on his lips.

"I am happy too that things turned out the way it did, for us."

She pulled away, gazing in the distance and Cullen had to resist the urge to pull her back against him as if he needed her to fill the space around him. And he remembered why he had taken her here of all places.

"The last time I was here was the day I left for Templar training. My brother gave me this." He extended his hand to her, a golden coin with the face of the prophet resting in his palm. "It just happened to be in his pocket, but he said it was for luck. Templars are not supposed to carry such things. Our faith should see us through."

"You broke the Order's rules? I'm shocked." She said in jest, her blue eyes, glinting with amusement.

"Until a year ago, I was very good at following them. Most of the time." He admitted with a small chuckle. "This was the only thing I took from Ferelden that the Templars didn't give me. Humor me." He took her hand and placed the small coin in her palm before closing her fingers around it. "We don't know what you'll face before the end. This can't hurt."

Alexis felt completely struck by Cullen's gesture. He wanted _her_ to have the only token he had of his life before the Templars, this coin he kept on him for so long. She felt overwhelmed and fumbled with her words.

"I'll keep it safe." She finally said, unable to find something better to say when she had a million things and emotions rushing in her mind.

"Good. I know it's foolish, but… I'm glad."

He laid his hands on her hips and drew her closer until she fitted perfectly against him. His heart swelled with joy when he saw in her gaze how much his gift meant to her and she could see how much it meant to him. He kissed her, hoping to show with something else than words how much she meant to him. And she kissed him back, parting her lips to his tongue when he deepened their kiss.

They parted, a little breathless, and giddy smiles on their lips, savoring the moment, knowing fully how too rare they were.

"I know it was your plan to come here, but I have to admit that I wonder how you will survive without a parade of messengers and war reports?"

"I should be able to last a few days. Besides, I told Leliana to send word if…"

She hadn't planned for her joke to work so well and she couldn't help her laugh. Rolling her eyes she shot him a rather playful and seductive: "Cullen. You. Me. Alone. Pretty lake."

"Right. Of course." He said sheepishly, sliding his arm around her waist.

"Talking about the lake, I have an idea." She gave him a quick kiss at the corner of his lips, smirked cunningly and pulled away.

"All right, I know that smile and it usually means you're up to no good." Cullen crossed his arms on his chest, looking as she took a few steps back, her eyes not leaving him.

"I was just thinking it would be a shame not to take advantage of our location."

"What?" He quirked a brow at her, having no clue of what was on her mind. That is, until she quickly unbuttoned her jacket and threw it at his face.

"Wanna go for a swim with me?" She asked as she removed her undershirt and let it drop on the floor. It was late in the afternoon and the last rays of the sun were a welcome feeling on her bare skin despite the briskness of the wind.

"Are you sure…that…hum…" Cullen went speechless as she begin undressing in front of him and he was unable for a while to keep his eyes from roaming across the smooth expanse of her stomach or tracing the curve of her breast, her breast band leaving not much to the imagination.

"Yes I'm sure. We spent more than two full days on horseback, I have a perfect opportunity to bathe, I am definitely taking it! Now, if you don't want to come, that's your choice, but you're welcome to join me." She removed her boots, socks, and was ready to pull her pants down when she added. "Or you can stand there and... watch me." She winked.

Cullen, who hadn't been able to avert his eyes immediately blushed furiously and stammered an apology before turning away.

"Right, yes… Sorry."

She laughed and Cullen cursed silently, trying not to think about the woman at his back, getting naked. Seconds later, and well aware that she had removed her last pieces of clothing, Cullen felt Alexis come closer to him. She laid her hands on his shoulder and as she pressed against him he wondered why in the void he had to be wearing his armor right now.

"I mean it. You should come."

She whispered in his ear then quickly moved away. Her movement drew him to shot a glance in her direction and, unable to refrain it, Cullen caught sight of her naked form. The moonlight was bathing her smooth and pale skin, hinting at her small imperfections and her scars, she was breathtaking. Cullen's heart skipped a beat before taking a frantic rhythm and he quickly averted his eyes, but not before the delicate curve of her shoulders, the dip of her waist or the round of her breasts was imprinted on his mind.

He heard Alexis enter the water and she hissed at its coldness. She cursed several times before slowly adapting to the temperature.

"Oh blight, I give up."

"Come to your senses?" Cullen asked with a smug smile on his face.

"If by that you mean going out before you joined me? Nope! I'm just going to use a tiny bit of magic."

He rolled his eyes and finally turned to see her. Now that she was immersed up to her shoulders, and given that the darkness made it impossible to see through the water, he could look at her without being too distracted.

"So that's how you are able to stay for so long in a bath without it getting cold." He saw a dim orange glow spread around her.

"Yes! Now stop playing prude and come."

"Or what." He said, squaring his shoulders and looking down at her with his brow raised in a questioning look.

"Or I'll make you."

"Riiight. You do realize that your _Inquisitor's orders_ don't work here, so I can't possibly see how you would manage…."

Cullen never got to chance to finish his sentence as what looked like a ball made of water flew to him and hit him in the jaw, not hurting him at all, but making sure that his face and his hair were now completely damp.

"All right. That's how you want to play it Trevelyan?" He asked already shrugging out of his cloak.

"Whatever gets you in the water, Rutherford." She responded smugly.

"I should warn you, I never lost a water fight. Kinolch Hold was surrounded by a lake, remember?"

"Yeah yeah, brag all you want. I already know I am gonna win." She winked at him.

Cullen quickly removed his armor and began to undress. As he discarded his shirt, Alexis' eyes roamed shamelessly over his form, up from his broad shoulders and down the hard planes of his muscled chest. He was a sight to behold, the few scars adorning his skin only making him more appealing. Alexis' mouth felt dry and she wondered where she found the decency to look away as he finished stripping.

"Maker's breath! It's really cold." Cullen cursed when he entered the water.

"Well you know what you have to do if you want to be warmer." She told him with a playful and enticing smirk.

"You're such a tease." He said as his brow shot up to his hairline before settling into a frown.

"Don't scowl like that, you know you like it."

Trevelyan splashed some more water on him in order to make her point and was rewarded by Cullen doing the same in return. They fought like children for the next minutes throwing as much water as they could towards the other, Alexis yelped a few times when the very cold water coming from Cullen would hit her.

Despite her best attempt, Cullen managed to come closer and take hold of her wrists before she could swim away from him.

"Looks like I won." He seemed pleased with himself, a grin tugging at the corner of his lips.

"Perhaps." She said with a small shrug of her shoulders. "Or perhaps we weren't aiming for the same purpose."

Her voice was barely above a whisper and as she inched closer to him, leaning for a kiss, Cullen released her wrists. Her hands trailed up his arms to finally rest on his shoulders and as she filled the space between his arms he could feel the water getting warmer around them, her spell still active. Cullen's heart picked up speed as she came closer and he tentatively laid his hands on her hips, feeling a jolt of electricity course through him when he met only naked skin. Her eyes were fluttering close and, meeting her halfway, Cullen pressed a soft kiss to her lips. It was wet and soft and her lips were so fresh and compliant underneath his touch.

A small space was still separating their body, even if so little, both afraid to close the distance yet wanting nothing more. Their kiss deepened and overwhelmed by their feelings for each other they threw caution to the wind. Alexis' hands flew around Cullen's neck and he wound his arms around her, his embrace pushing her flush against him. A moan escaped her lips as she was filled with the feeling of him, naked, pressed against her. She ran her hand in his damp golden locks and Cullen stifled his groan by kissing her harder.

They parted, breathless from their kiss and from this newly found closeness between them. One of his hands pressed at the small of her back Cullen brought the other to her face where he softly brushed her cheek before replacing a lock of her hair behind her ear. Her face was framed by damp strands of hair that had escaped her now very messy bun, her kiss-swollen lips were slightly parted and her cheeks had a light shade of red on them. She was beautiful and he couldn't help but look at her, as if to reassure him that she was real and that all this wasn't some kind of dream.

Alexis' heart was beating frantically in her chest, yet, despite the untamed rhythm of her heart she felt a sense of calm and peace that nothing beside Cullen's embrace could give her. She felt safe and cared for, like never before. Somehow her future had never been so unsure, her life never been so threatened yet she had found one thing amidst the chaos that was good and that was hers. The odds could be damned, there was no turning back from him, not now and not ever.

She looked up in those warm amber eyes of his. Their gaze locked and for a moment the rest of the world vanished.

"I love you."

Three words, three simple words that left her lips for the first time in her life, leaving a burning sensation that set her face aflame and her stomach knotted. She hadn't planned to say it, it just felt right and true.

Cullen was immediately struck by her words and his blush mirrored her own very soon. His eyes searched her face, trying to find a clue that he heard her correctly.

"Alexis…"

The words wouldn't come. He had wanted to tell her so many times, tell her how he felt for her and now it wouldn't come. And he still couldn't believe his ears. She loved him, she really said it.

"You don't have to…"

The sudden hesitation in her voice broke his words free and they came to him as easily as if he had said them a thousand times to her already.

"I love you."

She looked genuinely surprised by his confession. Despite everything she knew and every proof of Cullen's affection for her, the unshakable fear of not being good enough had remained.

"You do?" She asked tentatively.

"Lex, I love you. And I have wanted to tell you for so long but I was afraid you would feel it was too much." He tightened his grip around her, hoping his embrace would convey his feelings as strongly if not better than his fumbling words. "Maker's breath, I love you. I never thought it was possible to love someone like I love you."

"I love you Cullen." She repeated, feeling more comfortable saying it this time and the smile her words painted on his face made her heart feel light.

They clung tightly to each other, not ready to let go just yet and wishing this moment would stretch on forever. The world would soon enough catch up with them, but this, right now, it belonged only to them and nothing nor anyone could take it away.


	53. Chapter 53

**A/N: Hi everyone, sorry it took me so long to post this new chapter but these past months have been very busy :) I hope you all had nice holidays and I wish you all, with a couple of weeks late, a happy new year!**

 **And I am starting the year with a very very NSFW chapter! I hope you will like it :) It sure was challenging to write!**

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The cold of the evening had settled around them when they got out of the water. There was a lingering uneasiness between them as they both avoided meeting each other's gaze while they quickly dried themselves and put a few clothes on.

Still, unable to resist peeking a little at Cullen while he was dressing, Alexis found herself blushing furiously when her eyes landed on his naked body. She thanked the Maker he had his back turned to her, first for it avoided her the shame of being caught staring at him, and second for the glorious sight she had of his backside. Biting on her lips to try and suppress her grin, she looked away and finished putting her breast band back in place.

She was searching for her undershirt when Cullen came closer to her and draped his cloak on her shoulders, covering her half naked form.

"We should head back before you catch a cold."

He laid a soft kiss on her temple before picking up what was left of her clothes on the floor along with his shirt and armor. Apparently, wearing pants and boots was sufficient for him right now.

"What about you?" Alexis said, her eyes running up and down his bare chest.

"I never get cold." Cullen simply stated with a shrug of his shoulder and the hint of a smug smile.

The cheeky bastard was doing it on purpose, Alexis was sure of it.

"Right. Then lead the way, mister 'I am parading purposefully shirtless'." She made the air quotes in a way they framed his shoulders perfectly.

Cullen's smile widened a little as he turned on his heels and took the direction of the cabin, Alexis beside him. She wrapped the thick fabric of his mantle more tightly around her and was filled with the feeling of Cullen all around her, his scent, the hints of his armor polish, and the softness of the fur pressed against her cheek. It all made her want to jump back into his arms right this second. But when the cabin came into view, the perspective of sitting by the fire to finish dry herself became irresistibly appealing, especially since it would be much more comfy to steal another embrace once inside.

"Last one inside has to cook!"

She declared before she started running towards the door, Cullen falling into her steps closely behind. They raced as fast as they could, laughing and fighting like children when they reached the door for being the first to open it.

Somehow, Alexis found herself pinned against the door, Cullen's hands on either side of her face, his armor and their clothes he was carrying forgotten on the floor. Their eyes locked and suddenly the whole space around them became filled with electricity, the tension erasing the world around them. And as seconds went by it only grew stronger until neither of them could bear to wait any longer. Lips crashed, teeth clicked and tongues stroked in a furious kiss while hands found purchase on shoulders or hips. Moans and groans grew louder as their bodies collided.

His mind clouded by desire, Cullen still found a way to reach behind Alexis and open the door. He guided them inside, his lips not leaving hers. With his last coherent thought he kicked armor and clothes inside and closed the door, then, everything that wasn't her vanished. He lifted her up in his arms and she wrapped her legs around his waist. Her mouth was hot on his, her hands were teasing, sliding down his arms or playing with his hair. He carried her to the mattress he had placed near the fire earlier that day and laid her down. They parted from their kiss and the sight Cullen discovered took his breath away. Alexis was splayed beneath him, damp strands of brown hair framing her face and her blue eyes were swallowed by a black pool of raw desire. She was still covered in his cloak, the fabric only revealing a thin line of creamy pale skin between her neck and her stomach. Seeing her like that, wearing _his_ mantle, knowing she only had her underwear beneath it, did things to Cullen's head. It stirred something in him, a possessiveness he wasn't aware he had. And if he had desired her before it was unlike everything he was feeling right now. It wasn't desire any longer, it was need.

The power of these emotions rushing in his mind stunned him and even frightened him a little. For years his whole life had been about control. Control over his emotions, control over the power the lyrium granted him, control over his fears… Control over his desires and more recently over his need to take back lyrium.

His imprisonment in Kinloch Hold stripped him of all sense of power and of all his strength. The only thing he had been left with was his ability to stay in control of himself. And his need to keep it had followed him ever since. Now, with the woman he loved lying before him, wanting him, Cullen felt more keenly than ever the cracks in his mask.

As if she could sense his trouble Alexis pulled him down gently, her hand softly stroking his cheek, her thumb tracing the strong line of his jaw. He braced himself with his forearms on either side of her head, not wanting to crush her much slender frame with his weight. She looked up at him with a confidence he had never seen in his past lovers in such moments. Well, if he was honest with himself, he had never been with a woman so poised and confident before, a woman who could tease him openly, who wasn't afraid to stand her ground and refused to face adversity with anything else than her head held high.

His previous partners had been more compliant, especially during sex and so it had been easy for Cullen to be the one in charge, to be the one to guide the exchange and control it. Being dominant had never triggered anything special in him for there had been no resistance.

But now it felt completely different. Alexis could match him, in more ways than one, and it awakened something in Cullen, something locked deep down inside of him, something that made the neat and tight control he had over himself waver.

"I love you."

Her words broke Cullen free from the maddening thoughts coursing through his mind. He looked down at her, studying every detail, and the more he looked the more he found her impossibly beautiful, her small flaws and imperfections only adding to her charm.

She had a smile on her face and Cullen knew she had picked up on his momentary trouble. So she simply told him she loved him, knowing that reassuring him about her feelings would erase his distress. And Cullen realized that if he was to let his uncertainty gain the better of him now, he would be the biggest fool in the whole world.

"I love you." He leaned his forehead against hers and, supporting his weight on one arm, he cupped her face in his hand. "Are you sure you want…"

"Yes, Cullen. I am sure."

It was his turn to smile as he captured her lips. He had wanted this moment for so long, dreamt about it for so many nights, thought about it more than once whenever their hands would brush as he gave her a report or when she would slightly bend over the war table. It had haunted him for hours each time they had been able to share a passionate yet too brief embrace.

Yet, as eager as he was to discover every inch of her skin, hear every one of her whines and whimpers of pleasure, he wanted to take his time and savor every instant. He wanted to pleasure her and taste her until her legs fall apart, the possessive part of him wanted to hear her cry out his name over and over again, wanted to make sure she'd never desire another man.

Slowly, Cullen pulled away and sat back on his haunches his gaze drifting on Alexis' body, tracing its every curve. She was on her back, knees raised and her legs spread to rest on either side of him. Her lips, red from desire and kiss swollen, were slightly parted and her eyes were oh so intent on him. A smug grin on his face, he sat a little straighter, making sure she had a perfect view of his muscled chest. And it paid off as he caught her gaze trailing down the expanse of his stomach and up along the broad and carved line of his arms and shoulders.

Feeling a little cocky to have this gorgeous and powerful woman completely enraptured, he teased: "Liking what you see?"

Any other women he had been intimate with would have blushed, giggled nervously, stammered or any combination of the three, but not Alexis. And he wasn't that surprise when she laughed. Sure her cheeks went a shade darker but she held his gaze when she answered: "Oh you know I am!"

She bit her lips to try and suppress her smirk, which made Cullen appreciate the view he had even more. His hands came to rest on Alexis' knees before he trailed down the length of her creamy pale thighs. They slipped beneath his cloak she still had on and when he reached her hips he began to remove it, revealing inch after inch of her naked skin. He continued to trail up her sides then in between her breasts, mindful only to slightly brush them with the tip of his fingers. Then, with his hands on her shoulders, he completely peeled the cloth off her. Cullen softly groaned his approval. Seeing her only clad in her underwear only served to spark his desire and he immediately wanted more. Or rather less. Less clothes on her even if she had so little on, and he wouldn't be satisfied until she was naked before him.

As Alexis arched her back in order to remove the mantle from underneath her, Cullen took advantage of it to circle her waist with one arm, deft fingers sneaking underneath her breast band. In response, Alexis gripped his shoulders and pulled him down to her for a bruising kiss while her hands trailed down the hard planes of his chest to his abs. He shivered when she used her nails to softly graze his skin, following the thin line of blond hair going down his navel to his groin, and he groaned against her lips when the wicked temptress avoided at the last moment to touch his erection and went to settle her hands on his hips.

His free hand delved into her long hair as he deepened the kiss, his tongue parting her lips and invading her mouth. The other, still at her back, fumbled with the clasp of her breast band, fighting to get her rid of the annoying garment. It made Alexis smile against his lips and she arched her back a little more to give him better access, rolling her hips against him in the process. They both shuddered when her movement allowed Cullen's strained arousal to rub against her core. Even through the layer of his breeches and her smallclothes the sensation was maddening for them both.

Cullen then managed to unclasp her breast band and he tossed it aside. He broke their kiss, his breathing hard and shallow. Despite the fog of his desire addling his mind, he still could feel his nervousness making his hand tremble, betraying his lingering uneasiness. They were inches apart when he opened his eyes, searching her face for any signs that she may be uncomfortable with how things were going. When he found none, his gaze left hers and trailed down to her breasts, rosy and perk nipples contrasting with the pale of her skin. He cupped one with his hand, calloused fingers timidly stroking her soft skin, thumb playing with the little nub, making it grow hard underneath his ministrations. Her breasts were firm and not too big that it fitted perfectly in his hand.

A moan escaped Alexis' lips and she threw her head back, exposing her throat. Her reaction emboldened Cullen and he took advantage of it, palming her breast while he kissed the corner of her lips before going down, leaving a trail of hot kisses on her neck and chest, his stubble softly grazing her skin, before finally taking the other in his mouth.

Alexis gasped loudly when Cullen's mouth latched onto her other breast, her eyes went shut and she simply couldn't help the shameless way she rolled her hips against his, needing, more than anything, to feel his hardness press against her center. As if he was able to read her mind, Cullen grounded her to the mattress by lying on top of her, supporting his weight on one arm, his arousal now pressed between her thighs.

She spread her legs for him and Cullen began to rub against her. This alone made her whine and she had to grip his shoulders for purchase. The feeling of his rock hard cock grinding against her, his hand massaging her breast while his mouth sucked on her nipple was completely maddening and when he rolled his hips a second time she gasped and bit her lips to refrain herself from crying out.

The last time she had anything close to a sexual relationship dated back a few months before the conclave, and the frustration of having Cullen so close to her at times and yet never being able to find the right moment to push things further between them had created such a need, and built up such a tension she felt like she might came undone at any moment. And if the simple frustration of not having sex for this long wasn't enough to wound her tight, it was Cullen she was with. The man was a damn piece of art, with ripped muscles, scars that only made him more attractive, broad shoulders, strong legs and perfect everything actually. And the way he looked at her, as if she was the most precious thing in the world…

He told her, just minutes ago, as they were in the lake wrapped in each other's arms, that he never loved anyone like he loved her and she simply had to think of the way he looked at her to know it was true. But Maker what it also did to her! Having sex was one thing, becoming intimate with the man you loved was a completely different one. And Alexis was now discovering how infinitely more powerful it was.

She remained lost in the feeling of his hands cupping her breast, gripping her hips or slowly caressing the smooth and taut expanse of her stomach, of his mouth trailing up her chest and biting softly at the juncture of her neck and shoulder. And she would have gladly stayed completely lost in his arms if she wasn't so eager to see how her commander would react under her touch. With her hands on his shoulders, she softly pushed him away so she could shift on her side, making him lie down next to her.

"You're all right?"

His question was genuine. Though they knew each other fairly well now, and were comfortable around one another, it didn't prevent some kind of insecurities to remain as being this intimate was completely new to them.

"Perfectly fine."

Alexis answered, propping herself up on her elbow, her other hand ghosting along Cullen's abdomen. His eyes screw shut for a moment when she inched dangerously close to his groin, stopping just where the patch of golden curls going down from his navel disappeared beneath his breeches. She kissed him and a small moan of surprise escaped his lips. As she traced the line of his scar with the tip of her tongue, her hand inched lower and lower…

Cullen's eyes snapped open and he took a sharp intake of breath when her fingers grazed his erection. Her touch was deliberately soft and slow, just a brush of her hand before she continued her path down to his leg and up again, stroking him a little more insistently this time. She was looking at him, biting her lips to try and suppress her pleased grin, clearly enjoying the delicious torture she was putting him through.

He brushed a strand of her hair from her face and tucked it beneath her ear. Her hair was a mess, her bun still barely holding in place. Smiling at her unkempt look, Cullen delved his hand into her hair at the back of her head, reaching for the lace holding them, if so little, in place. It came off with a little tug, her tresses cascading over her shoulders. He played with her long strands, relishing how they slipped softly through his fingers. She had cut them a while ago and they reached just below her shoulders blades but she always kept them long, as far as he'd known her. It seemed like the rare vanity she allowed herself when cutting them short would be more practical in battle. Yet she rarely wore them down during the day. A shame, Cullen thought, it suited her.

Alexis must have caught him being distracted by thoughts of her, for it took him completely by surprise when she cupped his erection, her hand stroking his hard length through his pants. His breathing grew heavier with each of her strokes and he buried his face in the crook of her neck, inhaling her scent, feeling her skin still fresh from their swim in the lake. His hand came back on her breast and she released a small satisfied moan at his caress.

"You've got way too much clothes on." She whispered, sultry, in his ear when she began to unfasten the lace of his pants.

"Shall I take them off?" Cullen answered, his voice a low and seductive rumble. In truth he wanted nothing more than to be free of the confines of his clothes, feeling very constricted right now given his state of arousal.

"You definitely should. All of it"

Cullen needn't more encouragement. He kicked off his boots and, with Alexis help, removed his pants and smallclothes. His cock sprang free of its confines and Cullen immediately caught her looking at his proudly erect manhood. The common bathrooms of the Templar quarters in the circle had made Cullen sure that he had absolutely no reason to be shy, quite the opposite, so he simply lay back on his elbows, letting her appreciate the view. His body was one of the few things he was proud of. And not because it made him more attractive, he never really cared about that, but because it was important for his work. Now that he was seeing the hunger in Alexis' eyes as she saw him fully naked for the first time, Cullen realized how a great side effect it was to him keeping in shape.

Alexis knew Cullen was rather well built for a man, having felt his arousal through his cloth and felt it pressing against her a few times already. Seeing it was a whole other thing. He was longer than average and probably a bit wider also, at least from what she had come to know. Her eyes trailed up his bare form until she met his and, Maker, the sight of him. He smirked when her gaze reached his eyes, that wicked damn smirk that tug at the corner of his lips were he had his scar. It sent a rush of heat to her face and raw desire pooling between her legs. If she had been aroused, very aroused so far, now she had no doubt she was completely wet and ready.

She took him in her hand, beginning by slow strokes, her thumb tracing the head of his cock and spreading the few drops of the cloudy liquid around it. Cullen groaned, his breathing soon becoming pants when she increased the rhythm. Cullen couldn't figure out why but it didn't take long for him to be close…. Too close. Sure it had been a long time since the last time a woman had touched him like that, but it had never felt that good, he was certain of it. Still, as good as it was he couldn't allow Alexis to finish him, not right now.

"Lex…Wait." He said as he gripped her wrist, the words coming through ragged breaths.

She complied despite not wanting to and let him took her hand away. He pulled her to him and they fell back onto the covers. Cullen wrapped his arms around her, his fingers ghosting along her spine.

"Cullen?"

"Mmmh?" Was all he managed as an answer.

"Everything okay?"

"Yes. Very much so." He said with a chuckle, sensing it was her turn to feel uneasy. Taking advantage of her momentarily trouble, he rolled over her, forcing her to lie on her back beneath him. "I just thought you'd like that I take care of you for a while." He said in a low and molten voice, his words holding promises that made Alexis' head spin.

He kissed her, softly and tenderly, his hand trailing down her side, across her stomach then down again, barely brushing between her legs to reach her inner thigh. He continued to tease her like that, mouth trailing down the long column of her throat, until she couldn't hold back her moans. Then, tantalizingly slowly, he reached for her smallclothes, pulled it down her legs so she was finally bare to him. A sight he knew would be imprinted forever on his mind. He couldn't help a small hum of approval when he saw the neatly trim patch of dark hair between her legs, allowing him to see how slick she already was for him.

Time to tease and play was over. There was only so much a man could take, and for tonight Cullen had reached his limit. He cupped her sex in his hand, stroking her folds with his fingers, Alexis moaned again and he felt his cock twitch just at discovering how wet she was. He eased one finger inside her, then two and began to thrust them at a slow rhythm first.

Alexis abandoned herself to Cullen, eyes shut as waves after waves of pleasure hit her. Hips rolling to meet his thrusts, head arched back against the pillows, she no longer tried to suppress her whines. She gasped loudly and had to grip the sheets when Cullen began to circle her clit with his thumb. He kissed her lips, swallowing her cries, and she kissed him back, nails digging into his shoulders as she clung onto him. He kissed her cheek, her neck and every inch of skin in between, he looked at the flush spreading from her face to her chest. He kissed his way down the valley of her breasts, the sweet taste of the thin sheen of sweat now covering her hitting his tongue, and positioned himself between her legs while his mouth continued to trail further down. He withdrew his fingers from her and the immediate feeling of loss it sparked in Alexis made her eyes snap open. When she saw him, the sudden realization of what he had in mind hit her.

"Cullen…. Aaaaah!"

She never got to say another word as she cried out when he buried his face between her legs, his tongue lapping at her folds and thrusting inside her. It wasn't long before she was panting heavily, hands fisted in the sheets above her head as her climax was building rapidly and she had to resist the urge to buck her hips in response to the ministrations of Cullen's tongue.

She was completely lost in the pleasure he was giving her, her legs already trembling and wanton moans spilling from her lips. She was so enraptured she barely registered Cullen circling her waist with one arm to reposition her and spread her wider for him. But she cried out loud when his fingers entered her and his mouth latched onto her pearl.

Her thoughts ceased to have any coherence when Cullen increased the rhythm, and she no longer could stop herself from rolling her hips to meet his thrusts. She was on the edge, her whole body tensed from the raw pleasure building inside her. She was close…

So close and Cullen could feel it in the way she was arching her back or how she had to fight to keep her legs spread for him. He stopped to look at her, working her with only his fingers, making sure she'd stay there, just over the edge, increasing her pleasure but not giving her what she craved just yet. He wanted to be able to remember this moment forever and how he was surrounded by feelings of her, the taste of her arousal in his mouth, her shallow breaths and loud whimpers filling the room, her tight heat, her body yielding underneath his touch.

"Cullen… I can't… please."

And Alexis had no idea why exactly she was pleading for but Cullen seemed to know. His mouth came back on her sex, sucking it, thrusting his fingers inside her at a fast pace, he flicked his tongue over her overly sensitive clit, once, twice… And she fell over the edge, crying out as she climaxed, the tension Cullen had carefully built washing over her with a pleasure she had never felt before.

She remained on her back, eyes fixed on the ceiling, her body quivering from the aftershock of her orgasm and struggling to regain her breath. Cullen came to lay back beside her and he wrapped his arms around her.

"Maker, you're shaking."

He pulled her close, molding her body against his and it was amazing, how she fitted perfectly in the cradle of his arms.

"And whose fault is that." Alexis said with a small chuckle, relishing the feeling of his warmth surrounding her.

"Are you complaining?"

Cullen's voice sounded particularly smug and it made her smile. The man managed to hide this side of him well and no one in Skyhold would probably guess that the stern and uptight commander was everything but shy in bed.

"Hardly!"

"Good. Then maybe I'll do it again." He said on the same tone, his fingers ghosting along Alexis' spine until he reached her backside his hand then tracing the curve of her bottom. He had made sure she found her pleasure, bringing her to climax, his own desire seemingly an afterthought at that moment. Now he couldn't help but feel how much he wanted her. Still, he did not wanted to push her and he continued to softly stroke her back, his caress growing more insistent every time he reached her rear or the back of her thigh, waiting for her to pick up the hints and let her decide if she wanted more.

"Maybe you should. Later." And Cullen couldn't help the twinge of disappointment he felt at her words, that is, until Alexis rolled them over so she was straddling him, looking down at him with playful eyes and a grin at the corner of her lips. "I should take care of you now. Wouldn't be fair to leave you like this."

"Alexis, you don't have to feel obliged to do anything."

He couldn't help it, he just had to be sure, too afraid, deep down, to make some kind of mistake. And more importantly, he did not wanted her to do anything because she just felt grateful for the pleasure he gave her. Those were probably amongst his worst souvenirs regarding sex; partners who had reciprocate his attention, not because they wanted it, but because they felt they had to.

"Cullen, I am not feeling obliged. I want to. Besides, there is something I thought about doing… for a while now."

"Mmmh, yes?" He mumbled as Alexis kissed his neck.

"You'll see."

Was all she said before biting the soft skin at the juncture of his shoulder making Cullen hiss in response, and his hands gripped her hips tighter. She lapped at the love bite, soothing the pain, tasting his musky scent. When she pressed her hips against his, making his cock rub along her still damp folds he groaned in pleasure.

Cullen was ready to succumb to his most basic and primal instinct. The way she was rolling her hips against him, making him feel how hot and wet she was, he wanted nothing more than to flip her against the mattress and burry himself to the hilt inside her tight sheath. But he kept himself in check. Besides, whatever she had in mind, Cullen felt he would certainly enjoy it.

When she began to lay a trail of kisses down his chest he was still curious, when her hands stroked his thighs he was intrigued, when her mouth was on his abdomen and she positioned herself between his legs his cock twitched in anticipation and the realization of what she had in mind made him open his eyes and look down at her. Just in time to see her lick his cock from base to tip, the sinful image sending a rush of heat to his face but he couldn't look away from her. She licked him again, this time her tongue lingering on the head of his cock, circling it, spreading and tasting the beads of his seed that had gathered. His heart began to beat frantically in his chest and when she took him in her mouth Cullen felt light headed. She sucked his cock, using her hand to increase his pleasure, stroking him in rhythm with her mouth. Her tongue would tease his length, lap and circle its head and sometimes she would take him deep in her mouth until she needed to regain some air.

It was good, it was better than good, it was a sensation he had never experienced before and Cullen could feel he wouldn't last long. Without him realizing, one of his hand came to the back of Alexis neck then delved into her hair and balled into a fist, gripping her tresses. The pleasure she was giving him and the power he felt at seeing her on her knees and taking his cock as if it was the best thing she had ever tasted made his control waver once more. His hips jerked once and when Cullen heard the pleased moan it elicited from her, he couldn't hold back. Still gripping her hair he began to thrust his cock in her mouth. He was groaning loudly, breath coming in ragged pants. Only when he felt himself near the edge of his climax did the full length of what they were doing hit him and a semblance of control came back to him. He stopped his movements and released Alexis' hair, urging her to stop.

"Lex, stop I'm going to…"

His incentive to make her stop only spurred her on and she took his cock fast and deep.

"Stop I'm too close… Aaaaaah, fuck, Alexis!"

His climax hit him hard, harder than he could have imagined and he groaned and cried out her name as he spilled his seed into her mouth. He collapsed onto the mattress, his limbs feeling heavy. His mind felt completely blank for a while, the pleasure coursing through him so intense and unlike any he ever felt before. None of his previous partners had accepted or wanted to finish him like this. That's when it hit him, his insecurities coming back full force and clearing part of the haze left by his orgasm. What just happened wasn't meant to happen, was it? He felt Alexis' hand on his knee, heard her also regaining her breath, but he dared not to look at her. A part of him felt ashamed of what just happened, of how he lost control. He shouldn't have let things go so far, should have forced her to stop when he could still hold himself back. Surely that wasn't what she had in mind, make him come like that.

When she got up and walked away towards the other side of the room, Cullen was sure he had just make a terrible mistake.

"I'm sorry."

"What?" Her disbelief was clear in her voice.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have let this happen."

Cullen sat up and forced himself to look at her but what he saw on Alexis' face wasn't what he had expected. He had expected grief, anger but he found none, instead he saw her, standing near the small table, her hand on the pitcher of water and looking at him with a satisfied grin on her lips and an eyebrow raised in a questioning look.

"Cullen, if you're implying you shouldn't have come when you did and you're saying sorry for that, I'm going to punch you when I'm back in bed." Alexis said, sounding both playful and absolutely serious. "Besides, I purposefully chose not to stop when you told me to. Didn't I?"

Not waiting for his response she filled a glass of water and emptied it with a few long gulps before filling it again.

"Yes… I suppose. But what I did… Sorry, I usually control myself better than this. And when you left I just assumed… Maker's breath, I'm really not good at this." Cullen sighed, running a hand through his hair, feeling deeply puzzled by the situation and a bit concerned by how easy it had been to be utterly lost to her touch.

"Well, hum, just so you know, for next time, doing this, as much as I can enjoy it, it makes me thirsty. And I am fairly certain you are too."

Next time? So she clearly had wanted things to play out like they did and it didn't bothered her, not for a second. That was new, Cullen thought. Or at least, that was new in regard of the woman he had been intimate with. His surprise was clear on his face when he looked up at her again. A surprise quickly replaced by an appreciative look when his gaze drifted along her naked form.

Alexis caught Cullen leering at her curves and decided to make it worth his while as she took her time going back to the bed, ambling towards him with a slight sway of her hips. She handed him the glass of water and knelt beside him when he took it.

"Thank you." He emptied the glass quickly and set it aside as Alexis was wrapping herself in the covers.

"So… Did you like it?" She asked before laying a kiss on his shoulder.

"I did. Very much so actually." Cullen said as he slipped beneath the sheets and pulled Alexis down beside him.

"Good. And I liked doing it for you."

She settled on Cullen's side, her head pillowed by his shoulder when he closed his arms around her.

"You did?"

He sounded genuinely surprised by her admission.

"Yes. Giving pleasure can be, well probably not as fulfilling as receiving it, but it can be very satisfying." She said with a small smile, her fingers tracing lazy patterns on Cullen's chest.

"Of course it's just… well… you're the first woman I know to like doing this particular thing. And, hum, the first to make me come like this." Cullen just couldn't help the blush that came to his face. Talking about sex now that they weren't exactly in the act was not that easy for him.

"Was it not part of what Isabela promised you back in Kirkwall?" Alexis asked with a teasing tone.

"Maker's breath! I'm going to kill Hawke once we're back in Skyhold." He exhaled loudly, cursing some more about the champion of Kirkwall when he felt Alexis slightly shake from laughter beside him. "Not funny Trevelyan." He added, though he was unable to prevent his voice from betraying the smile on his lips.

"Sorry. Couldn't help it." She snuggled closer to him and laid a kiss on his jaw before nuzzling his neck.

"You're a tease, you know." He held her close, one arm holding her shoulder, the other across her waist, his hand resting at the small of her back.

"Yet I don't see you complaining about it."

"After what you just did, I fail to see how I could complain." Cullen admitted.

"Not afraid you'll be struck by lightning for having enjoyed yourself so much? And with a mage, to make it worse."

Trevelyan said it on a playful tone and it was Cullen's turn to laugh at hearing her somehow mock what the most bigot of the chantry sisters would say about sex.

"I see you also had that sort of speech in your circle."

"More at home than in the circle, the sisters there were okay."

"Knowing you, I am sure you loved every second of those lectures you had when you were home." Cullen said with a hint of sarcasm.

"Sure. I had so much fun! I mean when you're around sixteen and you start really getting interested into boys, the one thing you want to hear about sex is that if it happens, you should lie back and think of Ferelden."

Cullen couldn't help the small laugh that came past his lips. "Do they really use that expression, lie back and think of Ferelden?"

"I suppose in Ferelden it would be think of Antiva or something but yeah, it's used. One of the worst and the only advice I had from my mother regarding relationship with men."

"I suppose it's a good thing neither of us was very good at following that kind of advice." Cullen said as he searched for her lips, his hands slowly tracing the patterns of the scars on her back.

"It is." She answered, shivering underneath his touch, unable to prevent the feeling of self-consciousness that came with having Cullen's hands on her back and stroking her scars. A feeling that disappeared when his lips brushed over hers softly, prelude to a tender and sweet kiss.

They simply stayed wrapped in each other's arms for a while, enjoying the newly found closeness between them and how the feeling of their naked body pressed against each other in a tender embrace was right and good.

"So…" Alexis said, breaking the silence after a while. "Since you did get in last, how about you make us something to eat?"

Cullen laughed, now remembering the stupid bet that had them racing to the cabin.

"I was the one to open the door."

"Yeah but I was the first inside."

"You're insufferable." Cullen said on a playful tone, laying a kiss on her temple.

"And starving. Thanks to you."

Her innuendo didn't pass unnoticed and Cullen rolled their position so she was pinned on the bed beneath him.

"All right, let's take care of that. Before I take care of something else… again."

And with that he kissed her but not before he saw the spark of both lust and surprise in her eyes. The night promised to be long and it seemed neither of them wanted it any other way.


	54. Chapter 54

**A/N: Hello everyone! Here comes this week's update, I hope you wille like it! I also wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who has faved and followed the story recently and to all of you who are still reading this fanfiction :)**

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"That's it." Trevelyan said with a deep sigh as Skyhold appeared in the distance.

The few days away with Cullen had been perfect. Spending time together without having to think about titles or keeping up appearances had been the best thing in the whole world.

It had been so hard for them to find the time and place to acknowledge their feelings for each other. It had been even harder to find some level of physical intimacy. Now that they were back, Alexis was afraid she would lose all of it to their duty.

"Would you like to walk the rest of the way?" Cullen asked her. It was a foolish attempt to prolong the time they still had together but he would take whatever he could before they pass through the gates and be back to Commander and Inquisitor. And he could feel Alexis needed it too. She had grown somewhat sadder the more they approached Skyhold, her smiles not quite reaching her eyes and she had kissed him like she was afraid it was the last time. A gloom that had only become more apparent when they reached the inquisition outpost and were greeted by the news that as soon as the Inquisitor was back, they would set the final preparations before marching on Adamant.

"Yeah, let's walk."

She dismounted quickly, a deep sigh passing her lips. She glanced in the direction of the fortress, immediately feeling heaviness settle on her shoulders and ties knotting in her stomach.

"Talk to me, love."

Despite her turmoil Alexis couldn't help but smile when Cullen called her love. He said it for the first time one morning at the cabin. She was making breakfast when he came up behind her to wrap his arms around her waist, nuzzling her neck before saying good morning love with a tender and sleepy voice. She still couldn't describe how happy this simple word made her feel and she knew she wouldn't tire of hearing him call her that way. But darker thoughts were on her mind right now.

"I never thought it would be so hard."

Her insecurities made her chew on her bottom lip and Cullen closed the small distance between them, pulling her into his arms and she immediately surrendered to his embrace. He had discarded his armor and usual cloak for much simpler clothes, perhaps wanting to forget for a while longer the weight, both real and symbolic, it brought, wishing to distance himself from his title and duty as long as he was alone with her.

"I never wanted any of this. I didn't even want to go to the conclave. I only did because my father convinced me. I was never meant to be a leader and have the fate of so many people depending on me. I'm not cut out for this…"

It wasn't often Cullen got to see Trevelyan second guessing herself like that and he could only begin to imagine how troubled she was. Especially since she had been so relentless in her efforts to stop Corypheus and had led the Inquisition with confidence so far, unafraid to take the tough decision when they needed to be made.

"I know it's hard and I know it's not fair because you never choose this, unlike the rest of us. And we placed a huge weight on your shoulders but do not think for a moment that you are not cut out for this. Leading the inquisition may not be what you expected or what you wanted but you are doing great. We are all proud of what you've accomplished. We wouldn't have made it this far without you."

Trevelyan let out a deep sigh, and though she tried to keep it as neutral as she could, her expression let show of the conflict raging inside of her.

"It's just that since the conclave I barely had time to think about everything that happened. It all went so fast and there were so many things to do, rifts to close, alliances to seal, battles to fight that I never truly got the time to think. So I just went along, doing the best I could. And I guess I managed so far precisely because there was never really the time for me to take a step back and consider things coldly. These few days with you, where I could truly be myself, they allowed me to do that, and I don't know for how long I can keep doing this before I fail."

"Lex, you won't fail."

"You don't know that." She threw back on a tone harsher than she had wanted and she saw Cullen flinch for a brief second.

"I do. Because you're not alone in this. And we will not just stand back and watch you fall. I will never let something like that happen. Never, you hear me? And I know you doubt yourself right now but I also now you're stronger than this."

Cullen's grip tightened on her, one arm firmly around her waist while his hand came to rest on her neck, cupping her jaw and forcing her to meet his gaze. A gaze so bright and warm and set on her with such passion that Alexis felt her doubts waver. She took a deep breath. Though her emotions were still fighting against the rational part of her mind, she couldn't let her fears gain the better of her. Still, there was another matter weighing heavily on her heart

"And what about us? Do we just go back to hiding what's between us once we get through these gates?"

"I…" Cullen sighed. That very question had been bothering him since they started the journey back to Skyhold. "I know we agreed it was better if we stayed discreet and keep our private affair, well, private. Even if many people in Skyhold probably know about us. And I wish we didn't have to somewhat hide but… with both our status… I don't know. Maybe we can find a way, work something out. But you, what do you want?"

"What I want?" Trevelyan asked, looking up at Cullen with conflicted emotions. It was a simple question enough, what did she want from their relationship now? Or at least it would have been simple if she hadn't spent practically her whole life in a circle where such matters as relationships were forbidden and always caused a great deal of problems. "I don't know."

"Oh." Was all that Cullen managed to respond at first and he felt an uncomfortable weight settle in his heart. "Well it's not like we have to decide anything right now. We can just continue as we did so far. It worked well enough." He finally said with assurance. He remembered Alexis was somewhat fragile when it came to talking about the future and he did not wanted to pressure her.

"That's not what I meant! Cullen I do want more between us. And not have to find excuses all the time when we want to be together."

"Oh, good." He said with a small smile, before replacing a strand of her long brown hair behind her ear. He had told her he liked when she simply wore them down and she had humored him for the last days, letting her tresses cascade on her shoulders. Cullen thought it softened her face. "So what's on your mind then?"

"Honestly? I guess I am afraid of what I truly want."

"Which is?"

"You, Cullen. I want you and all the stupid and romantic things that come with being in a relationship. Which is exactly what I shouldn't want. What I had to accept I would never have."

It suddenly became clear for Cullen. The insecurity she was feeling, her apprehension at seeing their relationship moving forward, her fears at wanting more, especially wanting them to possibly be more public, it all boiled down to one thing: She was a mage who had grew up in a circle.

"Alexis, you're not in the circle any longer. I am here and I am not leaving you."

"I know Cullen, but I just can't forget what I've been told and what I convinced myself of for years that easily. You don't know what it's like. Becoming a Templar was your choice, and even then you could still pursue relationships. You could even marry someone and have children if you wanted to. That's a choice that was stripped from me when I was a child. Marriage is forbidden for mages, children are taken away, any relationship you might try to have will be broken one way or another and love is something you learn is too dangerous because it will be used against you. And after learning the hard way that there was no way out of these rules, I did all I could to never think about love or long lasting relationship again. But now…"

"Now?" Cullen encouraged her when Trevelyan remained silent for a while. She was worrying her lip and his prompt made her look up at him, her eyes a strange mix of sadness and hope.

"Now everything's changed. So far we were careful, to keep up appearances, and despite how frustrating it was, it was something I knew." She paused, taking some time to put order to her thoughts. "These days with you were perfect but now I know how it feels like to be with the person you love and never having to look over your shoulder in fear of getting caught. And you have no idea how good it was, but at the same time I have never been more afraid of losing someone."

Cullen cupped her face gently in his hands, his thumb tracing over the line of her cheekbone. For years he had convinced himself that the harsh and restrictive rules imposed to mages were justified. Then, with everything Hawke did and the fall of Kirkwall's circle, he had come to see the flaws in the system. To him, mages needed oversight, but the more he spent time with Alexis, the more he got to see the impact and mostly the negative impact some of those harsh rules could leave on someone. More than that, being with her reminded him of the young man he once was. A man that had strongly believed mages were treated too severely and that they were people, gifted people that had to learn how to control their powers, but people nonetheless.

Cullen knew he would never be that man again, he had seen too much. But their relationship made him reconsider a lot of the things he had strongly believed in since his imprisonment in Kinloch Hold. And he knew now that if those rules that would have kept them apart were to be made real again, he would fight them, with everything he had.

"I know it's hard to forget some of the things we learn, especially if the pain that comes with it seems too much. But it's not impossible. And besides, I am not letting anything come between us."

"Even if it means breaking the rules?"

The Chantry was in shambles for now, but it would not stay like that forever. The election of a new Divine, whomever that might be, and the choices she would make regarding the circles, the mages and the Templars had Alexis worried. A part of her simply couldn't help but fear they would try to lock her up the moment the inquisition would no longer be needed.

"Even if it means breaking the rules." Cullen assured her. "I am not letting you slip away, not when I finally have found you."

And Cullen kissed her like it was the first time, and she kissed him back like it was the millionth time and a millionth more was to come.

They walked hand in hand the rest of the way, the horses following in their footsteps. When they reached the bridge leading to the fortress Alexis' grip tightened a little and she let out a breath she had been holding for a while. Cullen's thumb stroked over he knuckles, he gave her a gentle squeeze of his hand and they crossed the bridge in silence. As they neared the gates Alexis softly started to release Cullen's hand but he reaffirmed his hold on her and laced their fingers together. She looked at him questioningly, and he simply smiled to her, confident. So she smiled back and she kept holding his hand as they walked through the gates. And if the soldiers on the battlements or people in the courtyard noticed the inquisitor and the commander walking hand in hand, they only met that sight with a smile of their own.


	55. Chapter 55

**A/N: Hi everyone, once again sorry for the delay with this update but work and other crazy stuff have been getting in the way. As always thanks for the favs and follows! I hope you will enjoy this new chapter.**

* * *

The last briefing before the battle had just come to an end and Trevelyan felt an unpleasant feeling twinge and tear at her stomach as each of her companion and friend exited the tent. Would they all make it through? How many lives would be lost before the end of the day? What if she didn't succeed in stopping Warden Commander Clarel?

On the makeshift war table, her hands were framing the last reports of their scouts and spies. So far the odds were in their favor. They arrived in time, the ritual hadn't been completed and their siege equipment would breach the warden's defenses in no time. Commander Cullen had done an outstanding job in setting everything up for this battle. Aside from a couple of books on military strategy she studied as part of her knight-enchanter training, Trevelyan had limited knowledge of battles of this scale, and no real experience at all. And it scared the void out of her but she took comfort knowing that the men and women fighting under the banner of the inquisition would be led by Cullen. He was more cut out for the task awaiting them than her. He would do the right thing.

Her gaze still down on the reports, she took a deep breath, trying not to dwell on what was awaiting her in less than a couple of hours. The flaps of the tent fall shut behind Blackwall who was the last to leave but not the last person inside with her. Though she had dismissed everyone and needed time to get geared up, there was one person who wasn't going to leave her alone just now, for he knew how insecure she felt about the upcoming battle.

"Whatever happens, you are not alone in this. I know you doubt yourself about what is to come, but you are ready."

"Am I really?" Trevelyan answered, raising her head to meet Cullen's gaze and, despite her fears, she felt a little better when she saw the warmth and the trust in his amber eyes.

"As much as you can. Which is all anyone could ask." Cullen said while he walked around the table and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Listen, right now, there isn't a man or woman here with us that doesn't feel fear or doubts. Well aside from Bull perhaps, but he's crazy when it comes to fighting. And Sera, but she's plain crazy, so it doesn't count." The corner of her lips lifted in a half smile and Cullen considered it a good sign. "Anyway, what I want to say is, you have every right to be afraid and I know since you are the Inquisitor you must keep a straight face for everyone here, but you have the right to feel how you're feeling right now."

She exhaled and nodded slowly, her shoulders slouching a little underneath the weight placed upon them.

"Are you… Afraid?"

Alexis asked, looking up at him with a distress she was still trying to fight and worrying at her lower lip. For a moment there, Cullen saw underneath all the masks she had to wear and the armor she had built around herself. He saw a young woman who had lived sheltered from the world most of her life and was feeling too small for the role everyone was asking her to fill. And he simply couldn't hold back. It didn't matter that someone could come in at any moment, it didn't matter that this wasn't supposed to be a private moment, all that matter was her, and Cullen pulled Alexis into his arms, trying, however he could, to comfort her.

"Yes. Afraid for you and what you'll face, afraid that I won't be there if you need me, or that I'll fail and you'll be in more danger because I didn't do the right thing. But it's normal. Alexis, we wouldn't be human if we weren't feeling these things right now." He laid a kiss on her forehead before she wrapped her arms around his waist and nuzzled his neck. "It's going to be all right. The last hours before the battle are the worst. Once it will start you'll forget about all this, you'll focus on stopping Clarel and this ritual and you'll succeed. I don't doubt that for a second."

"Part of me still has a hard time believing it but… thank you."

Cullen held her close until she slowly pulled away. She brought her hand to his cheek, her thumb tracing the line of the scar above his lips. A shiver ran down his spine and he covered her hand with his own, laying a kiss in her palm.

"I'll be waiting for you, when this is over. Try not to be late."

Cullen needed to say it, he needed to believe she was going to come back unscathed from this battle.

"I would hate to miss the celebration." She said in jest, a soft smile spreading on her lips before she captured his for a kiss. One last kiss before the battle.

* * *

Cullen's gaze was still fixed on the blazing green light he could see looming over Adamant fortress. He looked at it, refusing to look elsewhere, refusing to look at the soldier, one of his messengers, Jim, who had just given him the last report on their situation. Any minute now this massive rift would be closed, _SHE_ was going to close it, she couldn't have… fallen.

"Commander, your orders?"

The voice was hesitant and cautious, and most certainly repeating this question for the second or third time but Cullen only registered it now, his mind simply too overwhelmed by the news to think clearly. Yet, whatever was left of the pragmatic and rational part of him spoke of its own volition.

"Go to Knight-Captain Rylen, tell him that he and his men have order to secure the fortress and keep an eye on the wardens who have surrendered."

"What about you Commander?"

Another tentative question laced with concern this time. Of all the soldiers under his command Jim was the one who knew better of the affection the commander harbored for the inquisitor, having interrupted them as they kissed on the battlements and more than once caught them quickly stepping away from each other as he entered his office. Despite the strange coldness placated on the Commander's face, Jim knew the inquisitor's strange disappearance was eating him alive.

"I'm going to the rift, tell Rylen to send any man he can spare there. We need to hold the demons back so the Inquisitor can close it as soon as she… comes back."

"But Commander…"

"You have your orders soldier. Report to me once it's done."

"Yes Ser."

Jim left and after barking at some of his soldiers to follow him, Cullen took the direction of the fortress. Trevelyan was alive, she had to be. This couldn't be the end.

* * *

The memory that had flashed before her eyes faded away as suddenly as they had appeared and she was left starring at the glowing mark on her hand, the desolated landscape of the Fade surrounding her.

"Inquisitor?" Cassandra's voice came softer than usual as if not to startle her.

"I'm fine… I just… need some time."

"Of course Inquisitor."

So that was what happened at the conclave before it exploded? She just barged in when she heard someone screaming, gathered the orb that lay at her feet and then… The Wardens, the trip in the Fade with the Divine, who sacrificed her life for her… All of it, just because she was at the wrong place at the wrong time? Or was it the right place at the right time? She wasn't sure. She couldn't process all of this right now, it was just too much. She needed to focus on one thing at the time. And first, they had to leave this place.

They walked in a relative silence, only bothered from time to time by the unpleasant sound of the fear demon taunting them. All of her companions got their fair share, Stroud, Hawke, Varric, Cassandra, Dorian, Solas and they shrugged it off in their own fashion. Trevelyan had hoped she would avoid the demon's poisonous words, having to deal with her lost memories from the conclave was enough for one day, but he turned to her eventually.

 _"_ _I could take those memories away again, if you'd like. Spare you the unsavory feeling of knowing that you are not special, Inquisitor, no true Herald of Andraste."_

"Like I truly wished to be the Herald of Andraste in the first place." She scoffed with annoyance.

 _"_ _Perhaps would you prefer that I remove other memories? I can see those that haunt you, I can smell them. It's imprinted on you, just like the scars that HE left on your back."_

She stiffened at his words, unable to fight the unpleasant chill running down her spine.

 _"_ _Tell me, Alexis, how does Cullen feel about being with a woman who has been marked by another? Do you truly believe he can love you when every time he touches you he touches what was left by someone else?"_

"Like a fear demon would know anything about love." She retorted, though her voice sounded less assured as she wished it was, the demon's words hitting just a little too close to home.

 _"_ _Don't worry. Cullen will just end up losing his mind like every other Templar cut out from lyrium, your scars won't matter then. Oh but he'll probably won't remember you either."_

"I am not listening to this." Trevelyan grumbled between gritted teeth. But the voice of the demon was resonating so loudly around them that despite her wish she couldn't ignore it.

 _"_ _Yet another mistake in the short line of your failed relationships: Falling for a Templar. Didn't you promised yourself you wouldn't let one of them hurt you after you finally managed to get Knight-Captain Aiden kicked out of the Ostwick circle? Is it not what Cullen will do to you when he'll lose his mind… hurt you?"_

"Will it ever shut up?" Trevelyan said angrily this time. She already had enough bad memories to deal with without this demon taunting her again, and again, without a moment of reprieve.

"Easy Frostbite. Don't let Smiley get on your nerves."

 _"_ _Or perhaps he will hurt you when he leaves you. After all, you're a mage. Mages can't live happily ever after. What do you think Cullen will do once he realizes that? That he can't marry you, or that the children you might have together will be taken away from you? Do you really think he'll stay with you? Or he'll leave you for someone he actually can have a future with?"_

This time Alexis remained silent, the stab of pain and the pang of fear twisting her insides too overwhelming. She bit her lips, trying to prevent these words from echoing again and again in her mind. She couldn't let herself think about this, they had to get to the rift as fast as they could, it was the only thing that mattered. Lives were at stake. So why? Why was she feeling like she couldn't move right now?

* * *

With the fighting against the Wardens over, Cullen sent every standing man he had to contain the demons coming out of the rift. Any injured was quickly replaced and sent to the healers. The situation was under control. For now.

They needed the Inquisitor to come back and close this rift but her fate and those of the companions accompanying her was still unknown and Cullen simply refused to believe they might not come back. So he fought, tirelessly, crushing wave after wave of demons coming at them. He fought because it was the only thing he could do to not think about her. He knew that if he had the time to allow himself to think, he would go mad worrying about Trevelyan. He wouldn't be able to function like he needed to. He wouldn't be able to pretend, like he was right now, that they could win this fight and close the rift. For the sake of his men he had to keep going, he had to.

So Cullen kept fighting. The demons but also his own fears. And he kept fighting against the tiredness slowly but inexorably creeping up on him.

He was fighting a rage demon when a movement on his right caught his attention. He reacted, a second too late, his reflexes lessened by his weariness, and the talons of a terror scrapped against his breastplate. Cullen quickly stepped back to get out of reach and raised his shield against the attack. But the terror was already launching himself at him again, sharp claws ready to tear through Cullen's defenses. He was trying to keep the two demons at distance. But he was slowly failing and they were going to break through his defenses when a shield bash pushed the demon away. Rylen. He plunged his sword through the demon and the creature vanished. And with the extra help Cullen dealt with the rage demon in no time.

"Commander, you need to rest. They told me you've been at it since you arrived." Knight-Captain Rylen said while grabbing Cullen by the arm and pulling him away from the fighting.

"I am fine Rylen. We need to keep those demons contained to this area."

Cullen was ready to go back but Rylen placed himself stubbornly in his path, blocking him.

"The men can handle this without you on the field all the time, Commander. And I can lead them in your place for a while."

"I said I am fine…"

"You are not, Cullen!" Rylen said, interrupting him. "You're exhausted and as your second in command I strongly advise you to take the time to rest before you get yourself hurt. As your friend I'm telling you to go lie down for a while or I'll make you!"

Cullen sighed deeply. Rylen was right, he was exhausted and was beginning to make mistakes but being alone with his thoughts didn't seemed like a right idea either.

"I… I can't. If I don't stay busy…"

He took a deep breath, trying to fight the knots of fear already beginning to grip his insides.

"It's about the Inquisitor, isn't it?"

With a defeated sigh Cullen sheathed his sword. There was no way out of this now, he knew it. Rylen could be a very stubborn man and he wasn't going to let him do things his way. Though reluctantly, Cullen agreed to leave the battlefield and Rylen led him to a room set up as a temporary command post and made him sit down.

"You still haven't answered my question, Cullen. The problem is not containing the demons at the rift, it's the fact the Inquisitor is missing and we don't know what happened to her, yet."

Cullen rubbed nervously at the back of his neck, exhaling deeply. Talking about such things wasn't his forte and now was clearly not the best time for his friend and second in command to question his actions in regard of his relationship with Trevelyan.

"Yes. And I just need to stay busy until we know more. That's all. I can't…Maker's breath, now is not the time Rylen."

Cullen got up and started pacing nervously around the room, the throbbing pain in his temple growing stronger by the minute. He needed to know that she was all right before the waiting drove him mad.

"She really got into you, didn't she?"

"What?"

"I've never seen you like this before. Not in Kirkwall, and even after Haven you weren't as anxious as you are now and the only thing that changed since, it's her. I know I've been away from Skyhold ever since we established a permanent presence in the Western Approach but you know how soldiers like to gossip."

"What do you want me to say? That I love her and I can't stand not knowing what happened to her?"

His words came out harsher than he meant. He also hadn't planned on actually confessing out loud to someone else that he actually loved Trevelyan, but the words were out and there was no taking them back.

Groaning from the growing headache, Cullen sat down, rubbing at his temple in a vain attempt to soothe the pain.

"She'll come back."

Cullen lifted his gaze to meet Rylen's. His friend was looking at him with assurance and the hint of a smile on his lips.

"She'll come back." He repeated. "She always does."

* * *

Something strange happened with the rift. For a while there was no more demons coming out of it, then, it grew bigger and people started coming out of it. Solas was first, then Dorian, Cassandra and Varric. Cullen watched them appear, his heart pounding painfully in his chest, they were alive, _she_ was alive. His soldiers were already getting the inquisitor's companions away from the remaining demons while he kept watching, but no one else appeared.

"Cassandra, where is the Inquisitor?"

"She was right behind us with Hawke and Stroud they should be here."

The seeker responded, her gaze now also fixed on the glowing breach. The rift gleamed a little brighter and Cullen felt his heart being twisted by both hope and fear, someone was coming through. Hawke this time. Seconds stretched for an eternity, Cullen's heart beating more frantically than he thought was possible as he waited. Only Trevelyan and Stroud were still missing but, selfishly, Cullen's thoughts were only directed to Alexis.

The rift gleamed and shimmered one last time as Trevelyan emerged from the Fade and Cullen released a breath he knew he had been holding. Her hand marked by the Anchor was glowing bright as she raised it, its power unleashing a maelstrom of green light as all the remaining demons were sucked back into the rift that sealed itself the moment the last one disappeared. It was over.

Cullen's gaze drifted over Trevelyan, taking in the blood and gore that plastered her armor, the hardness of her expression when she wasted no time in making a quick speech, saying to the wardens that the only way they could make this right was by fighting alongside the inquisition. And that's when he realized… Stroud wasn't with her.

Still, the relief he felt at seeing her alive filled his heart and he walked up to her, noticing more details about her current condition as he approached. She was pale and looked tired like she hadn't slept in days, she had cuts on her face and something had damaged the armor protecting her right arm. Her jaw was set, betraying… was it anger or was she fighting back tears?

"Inquisitor."

Trevelyan slowly turned to look at him and he saw a wave of pain and grief wash over her face when their eyes met. Like cracks in a mask she no longer was sure she could keep in place for long.

"Commander." She said with a voice laced with weariness, miles away from the confident and severe tone she used while speaking to the grey wardens.

Cullen wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and hold her in a crushing embrace, just to reassure himself that he wasn't dreaming, but now didn't felt like the right time. Yet he couldn't keep his distance, not after being so afraid of having lost her. Softly, he took her hand in his, his gaze drifting over her and inspecting her injuries. She was in bad shape. Beneath the damaged armor her arm was injured and she also had sustained a wound on her side, just above her hip.

"We need to get you to a healer."

She simply nodded, letting Cullen guide her towards the makeshift infirmary set up in the lower courtyard. With every step he could feel Trevelyan's movements were less assured. When she tripped, he grabbed her by her shoulders and she winced in pain.

"I am sorry."

"It's okay. I am fine"

She was not and he knew that much. He slid one arm around her waist and bent to place the other behind her knees.

"Cullen what are you doing. I can walk."

"I know you can but it will be easier that way."

"This is ridiculous. I am not letting you carry me like this in front of everyone."

Alexis was in no condition to resist and Cullen simply lifted her up in his arms.

"It's not the first time everyone gets to see me carry you to a healer. I already did it after the attack on Haven and I'll do it again if I need to."

"You're stubborn."

Stating that he was stubborn was her way to concede, and if Cullen needed more proof, Alexis' head came to rest on his shoulder just as she wrapped her good arm around his neck. He couldn't help the small smile that came to his lips and he laid a soft kiss on her forehead. Right now he did not care that people could saw him display small signs of affection for the Inquisitor. She had come back, she was alive and she would be healed in no time, it was all that mattered right now.


	56. Chapter 56

**A/N : Thanks for all the favs and follows. Still dealing with the aftermath of Adamant in this new chapter, its unbetaed so I apologize in advance for the mistakes that probably slipped past my corrections!**

* * *

Cullen waited for a while outside the inquisitor's tent as the healer tended to her injuries. Soon enough the exhaustion and headache he had manage to keep at bay finally gained the better of him and he went to sit around the small fire camp where most of Trevelyan's companions were gathered. Compared to the loud celebrations the soldiers had given into once the battle was over, it was rather quiet.

Hawke and Varric were talking about Stroud, remembering him, paying one last tribute to his sacrifice. Blackwall was listening but he mostly kept to himself, surely the mess created by his brothers in arms was hitting him harder than most. Dorian and Bull were sharing a bottle, not the first one, and were bragging, less loudly than usual, about who had fared better in today's battle. Sera seemed to be already completely drunk, giggling at every nasty or crude comments the two men were throwing at each other.

"How is she?" Cassandra asked him when Cullen took a seat next to her.

"I don't know." Cullen said while running a hand through his hair. "They wouldn't let me in."

"I am sure there is no need for you to worry Cullen. She must be exhausted, what we saw in the Fade…" The seeker shuddered and closed her eyes for a moment and Cullen glanced in her direction. Whatever happened to them must have been really bad to have shaken Cassandra like that. "I'll be happy never to set foot in that place again."

"Yes, I can imagine." The grief and the pain he saw on Alexis' face when she first looked at him after coming back from the Fade, just remembering it, it sent a shiver running down Cullen's spine.

The two warriors fell into a tired but comfortable silence as they listened to Varric's tales of happier battles and journeys. At some point Cassandra handed him a mug of whatever beer the soldiers had brought and Cullen nursed it in his hands drinking sips from time to time.

"Commander?"

The healer who had taken care of the Inquisitor came up beside him and Cullen immediately rose to his feet.

"Is the Inquisitor all right?"

"Yes sir. She should be resting now but you can go see her."

"Thank you." He said to the healer and after a quick goodbye to the others, Cullen was on his way to Trevelyan's tent.

When he arrived someone was waiting for him. Not someone he had expected. Though, given the circumstances he probably shouldn't be surprised.

"Cole?"

"Alone, it is how it's supposed to be, being happy is not for mages, I should have known better."

"What are you saying? Is that…"

But the boy did not wait for Cullen to finish his phrase. Looking up at the commander from beneath the brim of his too large hat, Cole continued his strange diatribe.

"Fear wants her to say that, he wants more parts of her to believe it, but she must not believe him. She can't lose her light."

"What are you talking about?"

"It's already getting darker inside her and I can hear her thoughts more clearly because of it. It can't go less bright." Cole said sounding a little alarmed.

"Cole, I know you're trying to help but you don't make much sense to me right now."

Cullen knew the boy was trying to tell him something about Alexis, something more precise than her simply being disturbed by what happened during the battle, but he couldn't figure out the real meaning of Cole's words.

"You can't leave her, she does not want you to."

"What?"

"She thinks it'll hurt less, but it won't. You can't leave her."

And with those final and somewhat cryptic words, Cole left, leaving Cullen puzzled and a bit worried. Still trying to understand what the boy had told him, Cullen approached Trevelyan's tent and he called softly as if not to wake her if she had already fallen asleep.

"Inquisitor?"

"Yes?" She soon answered, her voice sounding a bit foggy.

"It's commander Cullen I came to check if everything was all right?"

"You can come in."

She was sitting on her bedroll, legs crossed under the covers, nursing a cup of what smelled like some kind of herbal tea. Her torso was only clad by her breast band and a large bandage was covering her midriff. Another was wrapped around her right arm.

"How are you feeling?" He asked, kneeling in front of her, brows furrowed with worry. He wasn't used at seeing her injured and it was a sight he hoped he wouldn't get used to in the future.

"Okay. I just need to rest, the injuries weren't too severe. I should be fine to ride tomorrow."

"Take all the time you need to recover." He laid his hand on her knee and she nodded. He couldn't help but notice that since he entered the tent, she refused to meet his gaze. "Talk to me love, I can see something is wrong." Cullen said as he cupped her cheek, lifting her chin so she would look at him.

"I left him behind…" She said with a hoarse whisper, struggling to stand Cullen's gaze.

"Stroud. You're feeling bad because he didn't make it?"

"He didn't make it because of me." Trevelyan admitted, her knuckles turning whit as she gripped the cup more tightly in her hands.

"What do you mean?"

"I had to make a choice… We were trying to escape, the others were already near the rift and I was with Hawke and Stroud behind but the Fear demon managed to cut our path. Hawke and Stroud were arguing about whom between the two of them should make a diversion. The demon was coming closer so I told Hawke to get away and I… followed. Stroud… he… he blocked the demon se we could make it. I tried to help him so he would reach us but the demon was there, he was fighting it and he could no longer reach the rift. He yelled at me to go through and seal it behind me. And I did. And now he's dead, because of me."

She spoke quickly, no doubt relieving the stress and urgency she had felt in that moment.

"A Fear demon? You encountered a Fear demon in the Fade and you were fighting him while trying to escape?" She nodded and Cullen was slowly starting to understand the meaning of Cole's words, at least the part about her fears. As for Stroud, his death was the first that happened directly under her command. He knew how hard that could be to accept, and why she was blaming herself. He cradled her face in his hands, capturing her icy gaze. "Lex, I know this is hard on you, believe me I know how you must feel right now. But you can't blame yourself for what happened to Stroud. We are at war, people die. And I know you always do your best to protect everyone. Remember what you told me just after we breached the door and you were going to find Clarel? "Keep the man safe". You asked me to do my best to make sure we'd lose the less people we could. But sometimes there is nothing we can do about it, not me, not you, no one. And sometimes we have to take rough decisions that we know will cost lives."

"I should have…"

"No!" Cullen said, interrupting her. "You did your best, I know you did. We lost someone and as sad as it is, it happens. And it's all right to mourn and to feel bad for a while, but don't let yourself be overwhelmed by guilt, it won't do you any good, neither will it bring back the people we lost. Trust me, I've been there." He knew that much for he had felt the same way several times in the past. It wasn't always easy to deal with the loses happening under your command. Cullen himself wasn't immune to it. Once the numbers and names of the men and women they lost today would be known, he would spend several sleepless nights, pondering and weighing his decisions, trying to figure out if he could have kept more of them safe.

Silence stretched between them for a while, Alexis looking down at her hands and frowning. Needing some time to process everything Cullen just told her.

"I can't deal with all of this right now." She finally said with a deep sigh. "Having my memories from the conclave back, knowing that how I got the Anchor was just some kind of mistake and that the Divine sacrificed herself, just like Stroud, so that I could live? It's just too much." She was on the verge of tears. Exhausted both physically and mentally she had no strength left to keep up the barriers she usually held around herself.

"It's all right. You don't have to deal with everything right now. Just rest. I can…" Leave, he was about to say leave when Cole's words came back to him: you can't leave her. Was he talking about now, or in a more general fashion? In doubt Cullen wasn't going to take any chances. "… stay with you. That is if you want me to stay, of course." He added, always afraid to pressure her somehow.

"But people will notice you coming to spend the night with me. There will be talks."

"Let them talk." Cullen said with the hint of a smile. "I am far more concerned about you than gossips. If you want me to stay with you, then I'll stay."

"I would like that."

Trevelyan's voice was soft, just above a whisper, and for a moment she leaned into Cullen's touch, relishing how his strong and sword-callused hands were always gentle and caring when he touched her.

"All right. I'll go get my bedroll and some blankets. I won't be long."

"Okay."

Cullen kissed her forehead before leaving and her gaze followed him till he left the tent. She couldn't really say she was feeling better, but his presence helped. The cup of herbal tea in her hands was starting to get cold and she was reminded that she had to drink it as it would help her fall asleep.

By the time she had finished her tea, Cullen was back. He laid down his bedroll beside Alexis' and dropped down the furs and covers. The nights could be extremely cold in the Western Approach, even to Cullen's liking. Alexis slipped underneath the blankets and she couldn't help but watch when Cullen started to undress. It' wasn't meant for show, nor to tease her, it was the simple action of him getting ready for bed, removing the layers of clothes and folding them just this side of not perfectly neat.

Alexis' eyes roamed lazily over his body, tracing the lines she was starting to know so well and discovering the marks left by today's battle, bruises on his legs and torso, a few scrapes on his hands and arms, and in this moment she couldn't help but think that she was starting to like his damn armor.

Cullen stripped down to his smalls, as he usually did. Since they had slept naked, or very close to, those nights at the lake, he barely felt self-conscious about his state of undress. He laid down under the covers and softly, mindful of her injuries, he pulled Alexis into his arms. A content sigh passed her lips once she was nestled against him, the feeling of his skin against hers and the warmth radiating from his body soothing her like nothing else could, helping her forget for a while about the lives they lost and about the haunting words and images the Fear demon had wormed in her mind. She was in Cullen's arms, she was home.

"I love you." She said sleepily, her eyes already drifting close, the comfort brought by Cullen's presence allowing her to let her exhaustion take over.

"I love you." He whispered back.

Soon enough he felt Alexis being taken by sleep, her body limp and her breathing slow. Eyes fixed on the canvas of the tent above him, he waited for sleep to take him too. It rarely came easily to him since Kinloch Hold, it was one of the main reasons he usually worked until he was overran by exhaustion. There were only too many nights spent turning endlessly in a bed someone could endure. Sleeping beside Alexis made finding sleep a complete different thing for Cullen. Her presence gave him something pleasant to focus on, something good in his life that allowed him to let go and be ready to face sleep and the nightmares with a more peaceful heart.

But this time it was Alexis' turn to be plagued by nightmares. Cullen had been asleep for a few hours when he awoke suddenly, feeling her thrashing against him. She was struggling against whatever evil was holding her back into the Fade, whimpers of pain and pleas falling from her lips in a small and broken voice.

Cullen tried to wake her up and free her from her nightmare, but nothing he could do was enough to break her free from the Fade, its grip was simply too strong on her right now. Cullen knew it wasn't unusual for mages but he hated that he couldn't help her.

Doing the only thing he could, he cradled her in his arms, his hold on her loose enough that she wouldn't feel restrained. Soon, she started to calm dawn, her body only shaken by small tremors and she snuggled closer to him. It was as if, even in her sleep, she could feel the protectiveness of his embrace. Though it took Alexis a long time to completely calm dawn, it happened eventually and Cullen was able to fall back asleep.

When he awoke for a second time, dawn was upon the camp and the warm light of the rising sun was coming through the flaps of the tent. Alexis stirred beside him and her eyes fluttered open. She looked pale and tired, one small and agitated night far from enough to help her recover from the battle.

"Morning." He said, his hand lazily stroking her back.

"Sure it's morning yet? I feel like I barely slept."

She buried her face in the crook of his neck and closed her eyes once more. She wanted to sleep, really sleep, not dream, not feel trapped again in the fade. She wanted to fall into the blissful oblivion of a dreamless sleep.

"Yeah, you had a rough night."

"Huh. I woke you up during the night, didn't I? Sorry."

"It's all right, don't worry about me. I am more concerned about you, I tried to wake you up when you were having a nightmare but I couldn't. I know it can difficult to wake mages from some very deep dreams but…"

"But since I was physically in the Fade just a few hours before and encountered demons you're worried. I get it." She said with a soft sigh and rolled onto her back.

As she left his embrace, Cullen suddenly became afraid that his genuine concern had somehow been misunderstood. At times like these, Cullen could still feel they hadn't overcome all the obstacles that came with them being a mage and an ex-Templar.

"I wasn't suggesting you could have been…it's just that you seemed in so much pain and you were obviously struggling and…" He paused, unable to find the right words to explain himself. He cupped her face in his hand, inviting her to meet his gaze. "Whatever I fear of magic, I see none of that in you."

"I know, Cullen." She assured him with a small but genuine smile. "But you're right, these nightmares were really rough and maybe it's just because yesterday was a really bad day but going into the Fade physically it may have had repercussions we don't know. I'll talk to Solas about it, he is the expert after all. He will be able to help if I keep having these very bad dreams."

"It sounds like a good idea." He said, releasing a sigh of relief. He kissed her forehead and then lay down beside her, his head resting on her shoulder and his arm draped across her waist. "Do you want to tell me about it? Your nightmare?"

She tensed a little, the images that had filled her night coming back to her. It was always the same thing, she ended up alone after failing the people around her. The worst part was always how she lost Cullen and she wasn't sure she wanted to be reminded of the dark thoughts it brought her.

"I'm not sure I remember clearly."

"Liar."

Cullen said, but before Alexis could feel bad for trying to evade the subject with him, he looked up at her, his hand searching for hers and lacing their fingers together. His gaze was warm and filled with love and she felt her fears melting underneath it.

"Lex, you have the right to not want to talk about it. I just want you to know that you can talk to me about your nightmares or anything else really. I am here for you."

A small smile turned the corner of her lips upwards. She had never been with a man so gentle and caring before. Yet Cullen was all those things, gentle, caring, thoughtful and she still couldn't believe how lucky she was to have him in her life. Even though she could still feel keenly the guilt of Stroud's death and even though she knew the nightmares would follow her for a while, just like after Redcliffe, she felt a little better.

Her free hand delving into his hair, she rolled on her side to face him, her lips ghosting over his.

"Just tell me that you won't leave me."

"Only if you tell me that you will always come back. When you disappeared yesterday I felt I was going crazy."

He tightened his grip around her, fitting her body against his. Keeping her close to him, feeling the warmth of her skin against his own, it was the only thing he could do to keep at bay the dread that filled him every time he thought about how close he came to lose her.

"I'll always come back to you."

"And I'll always be there, waiting for you."


	57. Chapter 57

**A/N: Hi everyone, sorry for the long delay but life has, once more, become a bit crazy at home :) Anyway, I am glad to finally be able to post this new chapter. Small warning, it's slightly NSFW towards the end ;)  
This chapter is unbetaed so I apologize in advance for the mistakes that slipped past me. **

* * *

Cullen was in his office, reviewing all the subjects he had to discuss with his officers during the briefing when Rylen came in, a bottle of dark liquid in one hand and two glasses in the other.

"There wasn't any decent Starkhaven whisky back in the Western Approach, now that I finally have my hands on one I figured we owed at least one drink to our victory at Adamant." He said, not waiting for Cullen's response before pouring them two generous glasses of the dark liquor.

"I figured you wouldn't have come here out of the goodness of your heart to help me prepare the briefing." Cullen said with a small smirk, taking the glass Rylen was handing him.

"You over prepare everything anyway." Rylen said with a small shrug of his shoulders before raising his glass. "To those who have fallen, may their sacrifice never be forgotten."

"To those who remain, Maker give them the strength to fight another day." Cullen said, completing Rylen's sentence.

"And to that lovely Inquisitor of yours for saving our asses from that demon army!" Rylen gave him a wink and took a long gulp from his drink. "Never thought I would one day raise my drink to a mage." He added before slumping down into a chair.

"Until recently I would have thought the same. But things far stranger than that have happened since this war began." Cullen said after taking a sip from his drink. "And Rylen, I get that you must feel the urge to bother me with that, but do refrain yourself from calling her _my_ inquisitor in front of others."

"Baah don't worry, Commander, you're, not so secret, secret is safe with me. Though I must admit when I first heard the rumors about the two of you, I was surprised. You argued quite a lot back in Haven."

"We still disagree on many subjects. We just deal with it differently than by yelling at each other." Cullen said, bringing his glass to his lips.

"I am sure you two must have quite the make-up sex."

Cullen nearly choked on his drink when he heard Rylen.

"Whaaat? Why would you say… wait, no, on a second thought, not sure I want to know why." Cullen said, frowning. Some people were probably having way too much fun speculating about whatever was happening behind closed doors between him and Trevelyan and he wasn't sure he wanted to know what they were saying.

They still hadn't had sex. So far the intimate side of their relationship had stopped at giving each other pleasure with their hands or mouth. They had wanted to take their time, discover each other, but now it felt like they were both ready but couldn't get a moment alone. On their way to Adamant they quickly figured out that either a tent or sneaking out of the camp praying no one would catch them wouldn't work, at least for their first time together. They did not wanted to have to make it quick and quiet, so they had agreed to wait.

And upon their arrival in Skyhold, they both had been immediately swallowed by the amount of work that had piled up in their absence. They barely found the time to share a meal together and Cullen felt like he should have done more for her. Especially since she still wasn't feeling great, the events of Adamant weighing heavily on her shoulders.

"Just messing with you, Cullen." Rylen said, steering Cullen away from his thoughts. "Though I've never been with a mage, does she… uses her magic when you two are…"

"Rylen!"

"Sorry." He said, yet not feeling really sorry given the smug grin placated on his face.

"You're an ass."

"And you're a lucky bastard. That's one hell of a woman you have there."

"I suppose you can say it that way." Cullen said with a small chuckle, unable to help the smile that came to his face.

"I am not sure I really envy you though. I mean, she's pretty and I can see the appeal but she's probably too complicated for my taste, I can't imagine how it must feel to have people calling you the Herald of Andraste. Anyway, she's been good for you. You're different when she is around."

"She hates being called the Herald, she thinks it's very farfetched. The situation isn't easy for her but we're both having complicated lives so I guess we managed well enough." Cullen said softly. "You're right though, I don't know how or why but a lot of things changed since I met her, and being with her it made a lot of things feel… easier."

"Even with the Lyrium withdrawal?" Rylen asked after a while, his voice sounding unsure and yet hopeful.

Cullen knew he was asking this out of concern for his well-being. As his second in command, and as a trusted friend, Rylen was aware of his decision to stop taking Lyrium. But there was another reason, one that Rylen still hadn't voiced out loud, even if Cullen could read his interrogations on his face.

"In some ways yes. Her presence is soothing and I feel like it's easier to endure the symptoms when she is around. I thought at first that dealing with it on my own would be better, but it's not." Cullen paused, taking the time to choose his words. "I won't lie to you Rylen, it's hard, even after all these months. The need to take it isn't as strong as it was at the beginning, but there are very bad days. And on those days you feel like you want to take it just to make the pain go away. I don't know if I would have made it this far if there was no one around to help me get through it. And I am not talking only about Trevelyan but other people too. The choice is yours Rylen, but if you want to do it, you know you can count on me."

"Thank you Cullen. I don't know if I am ready to do it, I am not sure if it's a risk I am willing to take, at least right now. We've both seen what the lack of lyrium can do to Templars, yet you're doing it without going crazy. I am just not sure if it's because after all the shit you've been through the Maker decided to be nice with you for once, or because we've been lied to by the Chantry and that there actually is a way for us to quit taking it without losing our minds." Rylen sighed and leaned back into the chair, bringing the whiskey to his lips once more and emptying his glass.

He was right, the Chantry had lied about so many things, leashed Templars with Lyrium and never bothered to search for safer ways to counter magic simply because it was convenient and easy. Templars were pawns, used and then discarded without any consideration. What the Chantry did know about Lyrium most certainly couldn't compare to what they didn't know and perhaps there truly was a way, unknown or forgotten, to quit taking Lyrium without having to suffer horrible side effects. But what if there wasn't and Cullen, if he was still himself in the years to come, was the exception which proves the rule? He could only understand Rylen's fears and doubts. If breaking free from the order and breaking free from his past hadn't been so important to him, he probably would have thought more than twice before taking this decision.

"It's not an easy decision, one only you will know if and when you're ready to take it."

"I don't know, perhaps when this war is over. I am not sure I could handle it along with my duties. I still don't understand how you manage to do it." He chuckled. "Even when I am halfway across Thedas in that blighted desert I find myself buried under all the paperwork!"

"And here I thought you liked the climate in the Western Approach." Cullen said with a smirk.

"What's not to like! There is darkspawn, vargheists, sand that find its way into your boots and underneath your armor, and other places I don't want to mention." Rylen said chuckling at the unpleasant memories. "I swear if you leave me to cook out there once Corypheus is dead and the Venatori are dealt with, I'll send monthly reports saying that there is a new high dragon running amok and that the Inquisitor is needed urgently to deal with it."

"Why do I feel like I haven't heard the end of your teasing about my relationship with Alexis?"

"Oh so it's _Alexis_ now." He drawled "And no, I am having way too much fun right now. Knight captain Cullen in love with a mage? I am certain Tethras will write something about that."

"You're such a true friend Rylen. And don't say this out loud, the dwarf could hear us and you could give him bad ideas."

"I am true friend. I look out for you. Here." He grabbed the bottle once more and refilled their glasses. "To Alexis, who performed her best magic trick by putting a silly smile on your otherwise grumpy face." He said, raising his drink.

"And to the person who will one day make you look like a lovesick fool so I won't miss my chance to have my revenge." Cullen added with a grin.

He had missed having such simple talks and stupid banter with his friend and he looked forward to having more once the Inquisition wouldn't need Rylen's presence in the Western Approach. For now he would enjoy this simple moment, and enjoy the fact that Rylen had a good reason to tease him.

As hard as it was sometimes, his relationship with Trevelyan was worth it. He never thought one day he'd be so lucky to have a woman like her in his life. And he simply couldn't imagine a future without her. Though he still had no idea how he could tell her how important she had become to him, especially since she was still having a hard time dealing with everything that happened in Adamant, whether it was the guilt over Stroud's death or her memories from the conclave. She had been more withdrawn in the last weeks and Cullen had a hard time figuring out if he should give her the time she needed to grieve and come to terms with all this or try to push the matter with her.

One thing was certain, he missed her. They arrived at Skyhold the day before yesterday and he barely saw her outside of the few meetings and war council that needed to be held. He wanted to see her and know how she was holding up. He just had to deal with this evening briefing before.

* * *

The door to his office was open and Trevelyan quietly made her way inside. Cullen was still busy with the briefing with his officers, as she had expected, and she leaned against the wall, unnoticed for now. She watched him, noticing the small frown of concentration on his face, the assertiveness in his voice as he issued command to his men and the overall confidence Cullen exuded in this kind of situation.

 _"_ _Safe and solid, protecting and proud"._ She had no idea why these words spoken by Cole came back to her in this moment. They were certainly fitting, for Cullen was all of those things in many aspects of his life, whether it was as Commander of the inquisition or as her lover. She even knew the fact that he couldn't protect her the way he wanted and couldn't be by her side when she was out in the field was hard on him.

But there was also another side to him, one the outside world couldn't easily see for Cullen tried to keep it hidden. Cole had spoken about it in those words: _"he feels like quiet, stronger, when you hold him."_ Alexis often felt like, outside of the rare moments when she could help him battle his lyrium withdrawal, he was the one watching over her, giving her the strength she needed to face the trials awaiting her. He was one of the very few person with whom she could lay down her burden and drop the mask of the inquisitor. She often felt like she couldn't help him as much as he was helping her, especially since it could be hard for Cullen to open up about some subjects, and so she was glad to know that simply being near him helped in some way.

"Rylen's men will monitor the situation." She heard Cullen say as he looked at yet another report someone was handing him.

"Yes, Ser. We'll begin preparations at once." One of Rylen's scouts answered.

"In the meantime, we'll send soldiers to… assist with the relief effort." When he looked up from the report, their eyes met, even for the briefest of moment, and his voice trailed off a little, as if he needed time to recall what he was about to say. "That will be all." He added, the hint of a smile playing on his lips.

"Ser!"

The soldiers saluted him and they exited his office. Rylen was the last one to leave and as he walked past her, he bowed his head to her, and was that an amused grin he gave her? This thought quickly left her mind as Cullen, who had followed his men, came beside her to close the door. As soon as it was shut, isolating them from the rest of Skyhold, he sighed, head down, the weight of his responsibilities feeling a little too heavy.

"There's always something more, isn't there?"

"Wishing we were somewhere else?"

A small laugh escaped his lips and he glanced up in her direction. "I barely found time to get away before." He said, straightening up as he walked back towards his desk. "This war won't last forever. When it started, I hadn't considered much beyond our survival. But things are different now."

He turned around to look at her once more and she could see the hesitation in his eyes. There was something on his mind, something that was bothering him or making him feel unsure.

"What do you mean?" Trevelyan asked as she walked up to him, closing the small distance between them.

"I could see how everything that happened in Adamant was hard on you, and I wish there was more I could do to help you. I know it wasn't the last battle you, we, will face but…" He sighed, rubbing at the back of his neck. He wasn't sure why he was bringing this subject. He had thought about it earlier but hadn't made a plan to actually tell her anything. But now that he had started, he had to see it through. "I find myself wondering what will happen after. When this is over. I won't want to move on… Not from you." He brought his hand to her face, cupping her cheek in a tender gesture and she leaned into his touch. Still, his insecurities gained the better of him and he turned away, fumbling with his words. "But I don't what you… that is, if you, ah…"

She stepped into the small space between him and his desk, a smile painted on her lips as she took his hand in hers, her voice soft and warm, filled with certainty when she simply told him:

"Cullen, do you need to ask?"

And with those words, his fears vanished as quickly as they had appeared, the sudden joy filling his heart making him forget about everything that wasn't her. He leaned to kiss her and she braced herself on his desk, her eyes already fluttering close.

"I suppose not, I…"

The loud sound of glass shattering startled them both, cutting Cullen mid-sentence and making Alexis gasp in surprise as her eyes snapped open. They both looked at the bottle laying now in pieces on the floor, then at each other. There was a clear hint of disappointment on Alexis' face, as she thought the moment was gone but Cullen, he smiled. Usually he would have stopped whatever he was doing to take care of the broken glass. Not this time. He couldn't care less about it. The only thing he cared about was her.

All his life he had placed his work, his duty, above everything else. Up to the point where he had lost himself, lost track of the man he was. Cullen had been nearly forgotten, replaced by titles like Knight-Captain or Commander, his duty superseding every personal desire or aspiration.

Not anymore.

He swiped his desk clean, sending more bottles and vials crashing on the floor and letters and reports flying through the room. There was strangely no better way for him to tell Alexis that she mattered, as he literally threw his work away to make room for her. To simply be himself with her and for once listen to his desires and feelings without wondering if now is the time.

Alexis was looking up at him, surprised to say the least, and a little intrigued. A wolfish grin made his way on Cullen's lips and he slipped one arm around her waist, lifting her up on the desk. She gripped his shoulders, finding purchase in the fur of his mantle as he stepped between her legs and leaned to kiss her. His arms wound tight around her, he captured her lips, stealing her breath away. His hand delved into her hair and fumbled with the knot keeping them into a bun. When it came loose, he threw the offensive lace away and broke their kiss so he could see her hair cascade on her shoulders.

Alexis felt herself blushing furiously underneath the intensity of his gaze. Even after all these months she wasn't use to the way Cullen looked at her sometimes, the love, the trust and right now the desire burning bright in his eyes overwhelming her. He was smiling to her, that perfect half-smile that tugged at the corner of his scarred lip. His hands slowly trailed up her legs, pushing her further onto the desk and she lay down as Cullen climbed on top of her. Later she would think about how foolish and inappropriate their current situation was, the inquisitor and her commander, making out on his desk, the doors of his office unlocked; but right now she was too busy responding to Cullen's hungry kiss. Any coherent thoughts was already escaping her as all she could think about was the feel of his body towering over her, his hand trailing down her side to finally slip underneath her jacket and the way his leg, pressed at the apex of her thighs, already had her desperate for more contact.

She wanted to feel him, feel the warmth of his skin underneath her fingertips but she only encountered the cold metal of his armor and the thick fabric of his mantle. A groan of frustration came past her lips as she raked her nails along his breastplate.

"Something wrong?" Cullen asked, his voice, both sultry and playful, betraying him, for he knew exactly what had Alexis frustrated right now.

"Armor off, now." She ordered, not even trying to hide her eagerness.

"Everything you want." He said with a smug grin, nipping at her lower lip before he sat back on his haunches, fingers already busy untying the various knots and buckles holding the pieces of his armor in place.

"That's a dangerous thing to say." She teased, stretching onto his desk, making a show of the way she displayed herself for him. It earned her a small, though appreciative, groan and he hurried himself, dropping his vambraces on the floor as he wasted no time taking off mantle and gloves and started unbuckling his breastplate.

"Dangerous or not, I stand by it." He said before the last remaining pieces of his armor fell to the floor and he leaned down on top of her, bracing himself on his forearm. Their gaze met and the intensity in his warm amber eyes bore into her soul. Alexis felt bare before him like never before. "I'll do anything for you." Cullen said, and she knew he wasn't just talking about sex, he truly meant those words.

Shivers ran down her spine and butterflies fluttered in the pit of her stomach. She had spent so much time building walls around herself after the deceptions and manipulations she faced in the circle that it was still strange for her to realize how easily Cullen could tear through them. She felt exposed and at the same time she had never felt safer than here, with him.

"Cullen."

She whispered his name softly as she brought her hand to his cheek, her thumb tracing the line of his scar. He leaned into her touch, sighing softly, his eyes closing for the briefest moment.

"I am here for you." He said, laying a kiss on her palm. "Always."

He captured her lips, parting them for him, his tongue delving into her mouth, avid to taste her. Alexis responded in earnest, her hands slipping beneath the hem of his shirt, relishing in the warmth of his skin and tracing the hard lines of his muscles. She gripped his hips, nails digging into the supple flesh of his back. Cullen groaned in response, unable to prevent the way his hips bucked against her. His erection, growing harder by the second, rubbed at the apex of her thigh, making her gasp and then moan in frustration at the too brief contact.

It seemed it was all the encouragement they both needed as Alexis lifted Cullen's shirt, breaking their kiss long enough to remove it while he worked through the clasps of her jacket. She shrugged it off, not caring where it landed when she threw it away. Cullen's lips were hot on hers and she was lost to his touch when his hands found their way underneath her light blouse, his sword-calloused fingers stroking her sides and reaching just below her breast, teasing her just a little, before he grabbed the fabric that had bunched at his wrist and took it off of her.

Cullen was about to lean down and kiss her when a golden reflection caught his eye. Her pendant, he stopped when he realized what it was: His lucky coin.

"You're wearing it." He said, his voice hoarse with emotion. He had given it to her as a token of his affection. The coin was the only thing he possessed from his past that reminded him of the good times. And Alexis, she was the light in his everyday life, she was the sweet promise of a future that didn't revolved around conflicts and battles. He had wanted her to have it, place this piece of his past in the hands of the one person whom, he knew, would shape his future. He wasn't sure if she understood the symbolic of his gesture, but to see her wear his coin as a pendant, to know that she had it with her all the time made his heart feel light and bursting with joy.

"Yes. I asked Dagna to make something so I could wear it as a pendant. She couldn't finish it before we left for Adamant but she gave it to me earlier and this way, I always have you with me." Alexis said with a bright smile. "I hope you like it? I was afraid I'd lose it if it wasn't attached to me in some way." She added, a sudden nervousness creeping up on her, making her chew on her bottom lip as Cullen kept looking at the coin hanging around her neck.

"It's perfect. You are perfect." He said, looking at her with what must have been a stupid smile on his face.

She pulled him down for another kiss and they tumbled back down on the desk. Cullen's mouth left a trail of open mouthed kissed along her jaw, his hand sliding up her sides to cup one breast through her band, supporting himself on one arm so he wasn't too heavy on her.

"I've missed you." He said, nipping softly at the supple flesh of her neck.

"But we've been together for weeks." She purred, choosing to feign ignorance when she knew what he had in mind. Her hand delved into his lush blond curls, mussing his neatly combed hair.

"Not the way I wanted." He groaned, sinking his teeth a little deeper this time, making Alexis gasp in response. "You were there, always close to me and yet always out of my reach. Being able to look at you all day and having to refrain myself from kissing you, touching you, it was pure torture." Deft fingers unclasped her band, freeing her breasts and Cullen wasted no time taking advantage of it. His mouth travelled down, teasing her already hardening nipple, circling it with his tongue before suckling on her breast while his free hand cupped the other. Alexis was already writhing underneath him, lost to his touch, her body begging for more. He grounded his hips against hers, pressing his erection between her legs and she arched her back. She was warm and soft and in this moment she was his, completely his. Everything from her moans of pleasure to how wet Cullen knew she already was, was his and it filled him with both pride and that strange sense of possessiveness she only elicited in him.

"I've missed you too." Alexis said as she wrapped her arms around Cullen's neck, hands buried into his hair. He had barely touched her, barely had his mouth on her and she was already feeling dizzy with the desire burning through her veins, liquid heat pooling at her center making her ache for more, for him and only him. Right now her world was revolving around Cullen, the way his sword calloused fingers and tongue were playing with the tender flesh of her breasts, the sounds of smug pleasure he made every time he got a reaction out of her, his deep and masculine scent surrounding her. "I want you."

Her words, the longing and the need Cullen could hear in them made him pause and he looked up at her, his hand sliding up to cup her cheek, his thumb tracing the curve of her lips.

"Alexis." He whispered her name like a prayer, taking his time to perfectly anchor this moment in his memory, for he knew that ten years, twenty years from now he would want to remember it, remember the sound of her voice and how beautiful she looked, half naked underneath him, her cheeks flush and her lips kiss-swollen.

"I am tired of waiting Cullen." She said, mistaking his pause for some kind of hesitation on his part. "I was tired of it weeks ago and I don't want to wait anymore for that right moment that may never come. I…"

"Lex." He interrupted her, his smile growing wider the more she spoke.

"Yes?" She finally stopped as their eyes met and she could see both the mirth and the desire burning bright in his gaze.

"I don't want to wait any more than you do. I want you, right here, right now."


	58. Chapter 58

**A/N: Hi everyone, sorry for the long delay once again but moving to another country (yup, again^^) is very time consuming and there are so many things to do that I don't have much time to write.  
Anyway, this chapter is finally finished and, yes it's once again NSFW because sometimes, smut happens!  
This chapter is unbetaed so I apologize in advance if there are any mistakes left.  
**

* * *

 _"_ _I don't want to wait any more than you do. I want you, right here, right now."_

Those words were all it took to tear through any barrier left between Cullen and Alexis. Erase the worry that what they felt might not be reciprocated by the other.

Cullen climbed down from his desk, his eyes roaming across her bare chest, tracing every curve that captured his attention, the dip of her waist that flared out in wide and enticing hips, the round curve of her breasts he knew fitted just perfectly in his hands, the delicate slope of her neck. He could have spent hours tracing every line of her body, counting every scar adorning her skin. That is, if he hadn't something else in mind, something that couldn't suffer any more delay. Cullen couldn't say if it was anticipation coupled with the raw desire coursing through his veins or some lingering nervousness on his part, but his hands trembled slightly as her removed her boots and he fumbled for a short while with the laces of her trousers. Alexis was looking up at him, eyes half-lidded, she was waiting despite the eagerness transpiring in her gaze, letting him take the lead. For now.

When the last knot finally came loose, Cullen wasted no time in removing the last pieces of her clothing, pulling down her small clothes along with it in one motion, leaving her bare for him. He had seen her naked before, yet he couldn't help but feel somehow like it was the first time. The first time with nothing holding them back, the first time with nothing keeping them ever so slightly apart.

Alexis was sitting on the edge of his desk and Cullen let his hands trail up the length of her legs, taking his time as he went up from her knees to her hips, relishing the feeling of her soft skin underneath his fingertips. He softly spread her legs for him as he stepped closer and leaned down, his mouth hovering over hers, his lips brushing hers teasingly as they shared the same air. Alexis was about to give in and properly kiss him when he spoke, his voice sultry and with just the right hint of male dominance.

"Lie down."

He saw the flash of frustration in her eyes as he refused her the contact she was craving, quickly replaced by anticipation when she followed his command, laying back down onto his desk. Truth be told, his teasing was as hard for her as it was for him, for Cullen wanted nothing more than to slant his mouth overs hers and kiss away all her moans of pleasure as he took her. Reigning in his more primal urges and ignoring the slight discomfort of his confined erection, Cullen kept his focus on the woman beautifully splayed before him. As maddening as she was, fully naked and exposed, he still had enough control over himself to take things slow, at least for a little while.

Alexis was unable to tear her gaze away from Cullen. His amber eyes were almost swallowed by a black pool of raw desire and a roguish grin tugged at the corner of his lips, pulling at his scar, making him look like a predator about to devour his prey. Her pulse jumped in her throat at that thought and heat bloomed low in her belly because, Maker forgive her, she wanted Cullen to devour her, take her right here until she saw stars.

Cullen leaned down, covering her body with his much larger frame, his mouth ghosting over her breasts, his tongue flicking over her nipple way too briefly but enough to make her arch her back in a desperate search for more contact between them. He trailed down, his breath feeling warm on her skin, sometimes he left quick kisses, and sometimes he nipped softly, making her a little more desperate each time for his touch. His hands came back on her legs and he lifted one over his shoulder, spreading her just a little more for him. She gasped when he kissed her inner thigh, feeling the rasp of his stubble on her sensitive flesh, making her quiver in anticipation of what was to come.

But Maker damned this man and the control he had over himself! Alexis was well aware of how good Cullen was at keeping things under control, she could see how he did it in many aspect of his life, even right now as he was purposefully teasing her, driving her crazy with the way he was kissing her, inching closer and closer to her core, licking and kissing everywhere but where she wanted.

"Cullen!" Her voice sounded pleading, not that she really cared right now.

"Yes love?"

He sounded smug, the bastard knew exactly what he was doing, making sure she was wound tight before doing anything else and he had the nerve to sound smug!

"If you keep teasing me like this you're going to pay for it late….aaaaaah!"

She couldn't withhold her cries when Cullen started lapping at her folds, the sweet deliverance of the pleasure he was giving her rushing through her whole body, making her feel light headed.

"Is that more acceptable?" Cullen said, the mischief in his voice unmistakable.

"Only if you don't stop." Alexis said, her breath already short from his ministrations.

"As my lady wishes."

She could hear the warmth in his voice, almost feel the way he smiled, no doubt pleased with himself. Then his mouth was back between her legs, his tongue seeking her pearl and all coherent thought trying to form in her mind was immediately blown away by the sheer bliss now washing over her. She gripped the edge of the desk for purchase, desperately trying to remain still but it seemed like she no longer had control over her own body as her back arched when he slipped a finger inside her and then a second.

Cullen started thrusting his fingers inside her, and his mouth latched onto her clit, suckling it as he increased his pace. Alexis cried out her pleasure, unable to refrain herself from squirming underneath his touch and Cullen had to grip her hips with his free hand to keep her in place. She was panting, she was wet and flushed and the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He could taste her arousal on his tongue, feel the softness of her skin, her warmth, he could hear her little mewls of pleasure every time he touched the right spot and Cullen couldn't get enough of her. He was listening to her, learning what she liked only by the sounds she made, learning all of her reactions, what made her sigh and made her cry out, what made her pulse quickened and what made her writhe underneath him.

Alexis was already panting heavily, her pleasure building up with each passing second, with every thrust of Cullen's fingers inside her and with the way his tongue was lapping at her sex and she could feel herself near the edge of her climax. Yet as much as she craved such release, she did not wanted it just yet.

"Cullen, stop." She said between ragged breaths.

"Is something wrong?" He asked, arching a brow as he looked up at her, unsure of why she wanted him to stop when she all but seemed to enjoy herself.

"No." She laughed. "Everything is… good, really good." She added with a pleased sigh.

"Then why do you want me to stop?" He said, a devilish smile playing at the corner of his lips as he laid several kissed on her inner thigh, each new kiss drawing closer to her core than the previous one.

"Because I have something else in mind right now." She purred.

Cullen oh so perfectly knew what she had on her mind. It did not prevented him to ask, a hungry look in his eyes as he slowly moved up the length of her body, pressing kisses to her still shivering skin, letting his hand roam along her curves.

"And what is on your mind?" He whispered into her ear, his breath fanning over the delicate flesh of her neck.

"You. I want you." Alexis said, pressing herself against him, her hands sliding down his torso to reach for his pants, fumbling a little in her attempt to remove them.

Cullen couldn't help but smile at her eagerness and he had to admit that he was too happy to oblige for he wanted her, and badly. He kicked off his boots and, with a little help from Trevelyan, was free from the rest of his clothes in no time. He didn't miss the way Alexis bit her lips when her eyes fell on his cock, appraising him and how hard he was for her, her desire clear in her eyes and a perfect mirror to the need he could feel burning in his veins.

He leaned down over Alexis, bracing himself with one forearm. "I want you too." He said just before he kissed her, softly and languidly. Her hands came to his back, one travelling up to grip his shoulder, the other going down in a slow stroke before settling on his hips, leaving small shivers in her wake.

Cullen broke the kiss, opening his eyes to look down at Alexis. He wanted to look at her, see her face and remember this moment forever. She was gazing up at him, capturing all the details she could about him, the same way he was doing with her.

Cullen lowered himself above her, his eyes never leaving hers when, finally, he entered her with one long and slow thrust. Alexis gasped, enraptured by the sudden pleasure that overwhelmed her as Cullen stretched her and filled her completely. Somehow she managed to resist the urge to close her eyes and saw the same pleasure painted all over Cullen's face.

A low groan came past Cullen's lips, the feeling of Alexis around him, her warmth and slickness around his cock, nearly too much to resist and hold back the wave of pleasure that was rapidly building inside him. His head came to rest on her shoulder as he laid kisses on her neck and collarbone, not moving just yet as he took a moment to enjoy the feeling of being inside her.

One of Alexis' hands delved into his hair, the other still gripping his shoulder, holding onto him as he started to move, pulling out just a little before sliding back in, slowly, giving her the time to adjust to his girth. He could feel her breath on his neck, growing heavier each time, and soon she joined him, rocking her hips slightly to meet his thrusts.

Together they found their rhythm, slow at first, enjoying each other and their newly found intimacy. They rediscovered the pleasure, perhaps forgotten for too long, of making love. And it wasn't just the physical act, it was sharing it together that mattered, it was the closeness between them that it allowed, as if everything they felt was heightened by their feelings for each other.

Still, they wanted more, needed more, their current rhythm unable to satisfy the desire and the longing they had been feeling for so long. Supporting his weight on one arm, Cullen gripped her shoulder with his free hand, increasing his pace as he started pumping into her, his thrusts growing harder and deeper. Her shuddering gasp at being so full only served to set Cullen's blood more aflame. He was thrusting into her again and again, unrelenting until all he could hear was Alexis' whimpering cries filling the room along with the smell of sweat and sex.

Her nails dug into his back, no doubt leaving marks as she held onto him, writhing underneath him, rocking her hips to meet his every thrust. Cullen was fucking her so perfectly, his cock spreading her and filling her like nothing and no one ever could.

Maker, they were loud and probably could be heard from outside, Alexis realized. She should have felt ashamed that anyone who would come by Cullen's office would hear them having sex, especially hear her wanton cries. Or at least that's what the noble part of her education would have asked of her and right now she couldn't be happier she did not care about what was a proper conduct for a lady.

"How many of your patrols have run away from your office knowing what we're doing?" Alexis said in jest between breathy moans.

A short laugh came past Cullen's lips and he smirked devilishly at her, slowing his pace just so he could take his time to thrust deep inside her, sheathing himself in her to the hilt, drawing another gasp from her.

"Two so far. Three soon." He said, letting his hand trail down from her shoulder to her breast, squeezing it in his large hand.

"That will make up for some interesting talks in the barracks." She sighed, biting her lips when Cullen continued palming her breast.

"Let them talk." He said, his voice a deep rumble, low and dangerous as he leaned down, his mouth barely an inch away from her lips just as he nearly withdrew himself from her. "Let them hear you so everyone, from the soldiers to those nobles starving for gossip, knows that _I_ am the one making you cry out so beautifully, so everyone knows that you are _mine_."

With one long and hard thrust he was deep inside her once more and Cullen slanted his mouth over hers, swallowing her mewls and sighs of pleasure. In his normal state, he would probably have never said something like that, but right now he was too lost in the pleasure he was feeling, too lost in her, the reins of his control relinquished to the more primal side of him. And he simply couldn't deny this strange possessiveness Alexis elicited in him. Was it because she was such a public figure now and so many people wanted her attention? He couldn't say, he just felt the need to tell that she was his, that she belonged to him, just as he belonged to her, body and soul.

It was surreal and people would even have called it stupid for him to think that, especially since they hadn't been together that long, but Cullen knew. He knew it, deep in his heart, with a certainty he rarely had in his life: she was the one.

"Yes, I am yours Cullen." She said, as she broke the kiss, her breathing ragged. Her hand came to rest on his cheek, the other still tangled in his blond waves, making sure his gaze didn't left hers as she spoke. "I am yours and you are mine!"

There was no place for doubt in her voice as she said those words. All her life she had longed and searched for her freedom: freedom from her noble education, freedom from the Circle. And yet, here, now, hearing Cullen claimed her and claiming him in return, it simply felt right.

"Yes Lex, I am yours." Cullen said, his voice laced with emotion, as if the strength of his feelings for her threatened to overwhelm him.

He buried his face in the crook of her neck, sliding one arm around her shoulders and the other around her waist. The hard surface of his desk made it somewhat uncomfortable for him to support his weight and hers like that but he wanted, needed, to feel her close, to be pressed along the length of her body as he made love to her.

Alexis gripped his shoulder as Cullen pumped into her, gaining speed and thrusting harder. She lifted one leg to rest at his hips, allowing him even deeper inside her and the sudden shift in position made him groan loudly. He was growing close and he knew he wouldn't be able to last long and deny himself the release of his climax, not when it had been so long since the last time he had been this intimate with a woman, not when the pleasure he was feeling with Alexis was more intense than anything he had experienced in his life. But he refused to give in, not before he had brought her to her peak.

Solely concentrated on Alexis and on her pleasure, he picked up speed, pinning her down onto his desk. She was locked into his embrace, barely able to move and barely able to shift her hips to ride out his thrusts. She felt vulnerable, her every nerve aflame with the raw pleasure he was giving her, all her senses filled with him, the sound of his labored breathing, the warmth of his skin as he pressed her against him, the musky scent of his sweat, the taste of his lips when he pressed sloppy kisses to the corner of her mouth. And at the same time she felt safe and loved like never before. With Cullen there was no need for her to keep her guard up, she trusted him and so she abandoned herself to him, completely, letting him take control of everything.

Soon, Cullen brought her to the edge, the pleasure building up in her core nearing its peak. She was getting louder, her legs started to quiver and Cullen knew she was close. He knew it wouldn't take much to push her over the edge and he knew exactly what to do.

He pushed himself up, just enough so he could bring one hand to the place of their joining. He pressed the flat of his thumb to her clit, stroking it in rhythm with the furious snap of his hips.

Alexis cried out loud, her walls clenching around his cock, her back arching as she came in Cullen's arms, a wave of pure pleasure rushing up her spine and down to her toes. The feel of her release unraveled him and he joined her, unable to restrain himself any longer. He drove himself up, one final time a loud growl passing his lips as he spilled his seed inside her.

They rested for a moment, sweaty and panting heavily. Folded over each other, still intertwined and not wanting to let go just yet.

It's when Cullen felt Alexis trembling and shivering that he finally moved. He pulled away from her, immediately missing how good it was to be inside her, and got off the desk, some of his muscles and joints protesting after the rough treatment he put them through. He grabbed his mantle and placed it around Alexis' shoulders as she sat up.

"Here, that should help keep you warm." He said, laying a kiss on the top of her head and closing his arms around her, keeping her close to him.

"It's unfair just how warm you still are when I get cold." Alexis said as she snuggled as close as she could to Cullen, her body desperately needing someone else's warmth to help calm down her shivers and her trembling legs.

"Well my office isn't the warmest place in Skyhold and if I remember right, you only get cold if it was particularly… good?" Cullen said as he brought his hand to her face, cupping her cheek. He knew he remembered correctly, knew her physical reaction meant that she had enjoyed herself, but still, he needed to ask and be sure that she had taken at least as much pleasure as he did.

"That it was!" She said with a small smile, leaning into his touch. "It was... amazing. I hope it was good for you too?"

"Maker, you have no idea!" Cullen said with a chuckle before he captured her lips for a brief and loving kiss. "I love you." He whispered against her lips, resting his forehead against hers in a tender gesture.

"I love you Cullen."

They stayed there for a while, not moving, enjoying being in each other's arms after their passionate love-making. They needed this simple embrace, this simple contact of skin on skin with no other purpose than sharing comfort and tenderness.

"We really made a mess of your office." Alexis said, breaking the comfortable silence between them, sounding amused by the situation.

"And you sound way too proud of yourself at being the very cause of this mess." He said with a smile at the corner of his lips.

"It's not every day the very stern and serious Commander of the Inquisition goes _wild_ " Alexis said, her smile reaching all the way to her eyes.

"Well, there are probably two patrols that heard you and can confirm that you like my wild side." Cullen said, feeling rather smug, even more so when he saw the blush on Alexis cheeks.

She remained silent for a short while, cheeks still aflame as she worried at her lower lip.

"Do you think it's gonna be a problem?" She asked tentatively.

"If there are people unhappy about us being together, I honestly don't care." Cullen immediately said, his thumb softly caressing the line of her high cheekbone as he cradled her face in his palm. "I wished our private life wouldn't interest anyone and was only our own concern. Given the situation I realize it's unlikely to happen and we can't escape some kind of scrutiny. But I love you Alexis and I cherish every moment we can spend together. And if someone complains about us having sex, well they'll be doing that for a long time, because I have no intention of keeping my hands off you." He said as he leaned down to kiss her, the molten tone of his voice and the meaning of his words sending shivers down Alexis' spine.

"Do you think we'll get a lecture if the gossips reach the nobles and this gets back all the way to Josephine?" Alexis asked when they parted, worrying on her lower lip and yet unable to hide the glint of mischief in her blue eyes.

"She most definitely will lecture us if that happens!" Cullen chuckled, his eyes darkening a little as he looked at Alexis, a small grin tugging at his scared lip. "If she thinks we offended some nobles, we can always show how sorry we are about the situation, for example, I could take you in the war room when she has some important meetings with them."

Alexis opened wide eyes at Cullen, more than surprised at the boldness of his statement.

"Who are you and what have you done to Cullen? You know, the one that rubs his necks nervously when I make innuendos or say something inappropriate?" She said, amused and also a bit thrilled to see Cullen act more forward with her.

"Well, he just had the best sex in his life, I am sure you can understand the consequences." He said, grinning a bit wildly at her, his hand delving into her hair, tipping her head back as he leaned towards her.

Alexis blushed furiously at his words; her mind sent spinning with visions of what exactly those consequences could be. She was still lost in her rather sinful thoughts when Cullen sealed his mouth over hers, softly parting her lips to the gentle assault of his tongue; a languid kiss that neither of them managed to keep under control for long, their desire and their need for each other so strong that the tiniest spark could ignite it.

They parted, breathless and a little more flushed than before, stupid smiles on both their faces, knowing that though they weren't going to do anything just yet, they weren't fully sated either.

"So, should I help clean your office?" Alexis asked, looking around them at the broken bottles, the reports scattered across the room and the clothes and pieces of armor thrown haphazardly on the floor.

"I am fairly sure nothing too serious will happen if it stays like this until tomorrow" Cullen said. "You see, I have other plans than cleaning the mess we made. Plans that include you, me, a bed and absolutely not letting you go until tomorrow."

Joy bubbled up in her chest. She wanted nothing more than to stay and spend the night with him, prolong this moment of intimacy for as long as they could.

"I think I like your plans. But I have one condition." Alexis said, her serious expression, betrayed by the slight grin at the corner of her lips.

"I am listening."

"You have to raid the kitchen before joining me up in bed. I am starving!"

Cullen laughed, a real and genuine laugh, not his usual low chuckle and Alexis wished she would hear it more often.

"Not what I was expecting but now that you mention it, I am positively starved too!"

"I knew it was a good idea!" She said, proud of herself.

"It is. I just have to find my clothes first."

"Don't bother putting too much back on; you won't get to keep them on long anyway."

Alexis had a cunning smile on her face and Cullen couldn't help but smile in return. Maker how he loved that woman. He still couldn't believe how lucky he was to have her in his life. On instinct his hand reached for his coin that was hanging from her neck.

"Didn't I tell you? Not wearing clothes in bed was also part of the plan."

It was her turn to laugh and she pressed herself against him, her arms circling his waist as she laid a soft and chaste kiss on his lips. Perhaps Cullen still had a hard time believing it, but he was lucky, luckier than any man alive.


	59. Chapter 59

**A/N: Hey guys! Sorry for the long wait, things have been rather busy these past weeks. This chapter is once again unbetaed, I hope I didn't left too many mistakes unchecked :) No special warning for this chapter, just some fluff and heart-to-heart talk between Quizzie and Cullen (and a tiny but of smut!)**

* * *

"I am not going back to the kitchen for more cookies, Trevelyan." Cullen warned as he watched her devour the last piece with a bright and satisfied smile on her face.

They were sitting on his bed, a nearly empty tray of food between them. They spent the last hour talking while picking at the food Cullen had brought. Sharing memories and talking about simple things as long as it wasn't related to the inquisition or any subject that might have remind them that they had responsibilities waiting for them outside this room.

"Well you should have brought more in the first place" Trevelyan said with a grin.

"I hardly brought only those cookies back! Maker's breath woman, will you always be that starved after we had sex?" He asked, amazed and amused by her unusual appetite.

"No, but I should point out that, first we were rather _busy_ when dinner was served in the main hall." Her emphasis on the word busy and the sultry edge in her voice making her innuendo pretty clear. "And second, it's not my fault, it's biological." She said with a shrug of her shoulders, taking a few grapes from the tray.

"Biological?"

Cullen quirked a brow at Alexis as he leaned down on the bed, resting on his side, head propped on his fist. His gaze wandered despite his better judgment, drifting from her eyes to her full lips, from the slope of her neck to the delicate curve of her bare shoulders. He couldn't help it. He was enthralled by her, and her current attire was a bit too enticing for his own good. Cullen knew that she was naked under the sheet she had wrapped around her body, all her clothing now lying on the floor of his loft after she had picked them up from the floor of his office. The fabric was clinging to her chest and pooling at her hips as she sat, crossed-leg, on his bed, leaving exposed most of her long and shapely legs. Her hair was unbound and falling freely on her shoulders, her brown locks, just slightly unkempt, making her look so different than when she had to be the Inquisitor. Overall she looked happier, more relaxed. More feminine.

"Yes." Alexis said, stirring Cullen away from his daydreaming. "Men often want to sleep after sex, because they need to recover their strength, and women want to eat to prepare for the pregnancy. Well at least, that's the biological reactions we inherited from the time before we humans were more civilized creatures." Alexis explained matter-of-factly.

"I guess I never thought about it that way." Suddenly, it occurred to him that he hadn't been cautious during their intercourse, too caught up in the moment. It was quite unlike him to not be careful about that sort of things. In the past he had always made sure not to get any of his partners pregnant. "Talking about pregnancy… did you? I mean, I… I probably should have asked or stop myself. It's my fault I am sor…"

"Cullen, everything is fine." She said, interrupting his attempt to apologize. "I would have said something otherwise. You can relax, there is no chance I could become pregnant." She said, sure of herself. She found it adorable, how he could still become flustered around her. It was in such stark contrast with how confident he was in his work and in many other aspects of his life.

"Oh, good." Cullen said, relieved. Their lives were already complicated enough and their intimate relationship still fairly young, the last thing they needed was an unwanted pregnancy. Yet, something in the way she said she couldn't become pregnant bothered him.

Alexis noticed the small frown on Cullen's face. She picked up the tray of food and placed it on the floor before moving closer to him. She leaned down on her stomach beside him and Cullen's hand came to rest at the hollow of her back.

"You have something on your mind."

Not a question. With his lyrium withdrawal still paining him regularly, Alexis had plenty of opportunity to discover and learn the small signs that showed he wasn't right, and she had become quite good at reading them. Cullen, on the other side, had learned that when she was concerned about him, and there was nobody around forcing them to keep up appearances, there was no evading the discussion.

"It's silly, really." He said with a sigh, running his hand up her back until he could feel her skin. He slowly traced the line of the couple of scars left exposed by the sheets, white lines on her fair and soft skin. Then he moved onto her shoulder blade and the V shaped scar that ran a little deeper there.

"Then tell me." Alexis said, a small shiver running down her spine. She still couldn't help but feel a little self-conscious about the scars on her back. But the way Cullen always touched them, touched her, so softly and with such reverence, it helped her believe that one day, with him, she would forget about them.

"It's just, the way you talked about not becoming pregnant; it had such an air of finality. And, well as I said, it's stupid. I am just overthinking things here but, well, I've heard that mages can... make sure that a woman will never get pregnant."

He heard about it in Kirkwall. One of his charges became pregnant, a young woman. She was in the infirmary because she had attempted to get rid of the child knowing that, should the baby be born, he would be taken away from her. Meredith was looking for evidence of blood magic, and at this point Cullen had started to realize something was wrong. He had come to check on her, learn what happened so he could thwart the accusations should they be unfounded. One of her friends was there with her and he heard them talk about something that would have made her sterile. The mages stopped talking when they realized he was here, but Cullen had heard enough to understand the topic.

This knowledge coupled to the fact that Alexis's best friend, Lara, had her child taken away from her in the circle made Cullen wondered if Alexis had used such a mean to avoid pregnancy.

"Hum, yes, there is a ritual that can be performed to make sure a woman will never become pregnant." She said, frowning a little. "Although I am surprised you, an ex-templar, know about it."

"Why?"

"Well, hum, the woman who wants to perform the ritual has to do it when she has her bleeding." She explained, speaking slowly, taking the time to choose her words for she knew how magic could easily make Cullen uncomfortable. "It's not blood magic, well or otherwise you'd have to consider the creation of a phylactery blood magic too. But, you know how Templars can be touchy when it comes to stuff like that? So, whoever wanted to perform it in a circle had to be very cautious. And to answer the question you had in mind from the beginning of this conversation. No, I didn't do it, not for me, not for someone else. If the whole idea of this ritual is what was troubling you, you can rest easy. I just know contraceptive methods well." Alexis said with a shrug of her shoulders.

Cullen wasn't sure how he was feeling after Alexis' response. She thought he was concerned about the magic involved in this ritual. He could see now that she probably had good reasons to feel that way. Such magic, involving blood, clearly had all the signs to make him on edge. But, truth be told, it was something else entirely that was weighing on his mind. And he wasn't sure why he was thinking about this at all.

Children. That's what he was really thinking about. Not now of course and not even in a close future, but for a moment there, he had been afraid Alexis wouldn't be able to bear his child. And the whole thing made him feel pretty stupid. For the last decade he had wiped away all thoughts of one day having a family. As far as he could remember he didn't even want to have children.

No, you're wrong, said a little voice in his head. He did thought about it, and recently. Nothing more than a few passing thoughts or day dreaming of what his future would be with Alexis. Still, it had been enough to envision building a family with her.

"Cullen?"

He must have remained silent for too long, lost in his thoughts. Alexis was looking up at him, chewing a little on her bottom lip, troubled by his lack of response.

"Sorry. I was…thinking."

"That, I realized when you said nothing for the last minute." She said with a small chuckle. "Is this whole thing still bothering you somehow?"

"No love, not at all." He said as he leaned down to lay a kiss on her temple. "I am just glad to know you took precautions, even though I kinda feel bad for not thinking about all this before it was too late." A small grin found its way on his lips when he moved to kiss the corner of her mouth. "But really, it's entirely your fault, it was never that good before and I forgot about everything else."

Alexis giggled, a blush coloring her cheeks at Cullen's words.

"Well, Commander, be prepared to keep forgetting about a lots of things in the days to come." She gave him a quick peck on the lips before continuing: "And don't worry, I take all the precautions needed. After what happened to Lara... well you can imagine why I learned how to protect myself."

"I understand. I know how it affected you." Cullen continued to rub her back gently, tracing slow circles with his thumb, applying just a little more pressure whenever he found a knot in her muscles. "I guess it's part of what made me wonder if… you had done something permanent." He asked rather carefully. Somehow he could feel the subject wasn't an easy one for Alexis.

She sighed and crossed her arms under her head, letting her eyes fall shut for a moment as Cullen was still massaging her back. This discussion wasn't the most pleasant for her, and feeling Cullen close to her and caring for her helped, it made her feel more at ease. There were a lot of unpleasant subjects related to their pasts and evading them forever wasn't an option if they wanted their relationship to grow. They were both aware of that and that's what ultimately convinced her to tell everything to Cullen.

"To be honest, I thought about doing it for a while." She said, a small frown creasing her brow as she thought back on those days. "I knew I would never have children, even if I was successful in my attempt to escape the circle, it would have been impossible. I mean, the chances of escaping Templars when you're alone and pregnant, or caring for a young child, are pretty slim. So, if I wasn't planning on having children, no matter what happened, why not do it? Why burden myself with the possibility?"

"What convinced you not to do it?" He asked, his eyes searching for hers.

"I didn't want the chantry and the circle to take away yet another choice from me." She said, looking up at him, a smile on her lips although her eyes betrayed the pain she always felt when she was reminded of all the things she had lost when they discovered her to be a mage. "They took away so many of my liberties; they stripped me of my rights as a person, stripped me of my title and of everything that once made me part of my family." She sighed, taking the time to calm her shaking voice. She wasn't sure if, one day, the resentment she felt towards the chantry and the circles would go away. Now, despite the time that had passed, the wound was still feeling too fresh. "Not having children, I wanted it to be my choice. Not something I did to feel safer in regard of the laws of the circle. I wanted to be the one to make the decisions about my own body. It must sound silly but I guess it was my way to rebel against these rules."

She chuckled and shook her head, as if it could help push away the unpleasant memories. Feeling the need to comfort her, Cullen moved closer and draped his arm across her waist.

"I don't think it's silly, I..."

Cullen couldn't find a right answer. Leaving the Templars, meeting Alexis and then starting a relationship with her, it had challenged and changed his views about the circles in a way he never thought possible, especially after Kinloch Hold. His fears regarding magic were still there of course and if asked he would say that mages needed supervision. But what kind of supervision exactly?

One look at the woman beside him was all he needed for his certainty to waver about how mages and magic should be handled. He wanted a future with Alexis, and Maker, just now he had thought about having children with her! None of this would have been possible if the circles still existed. Should their relationship be discovered, Alexis would have faced punishment, he would have been reprimanded and probably sent to another circle. Their children would be taken away from her, from them! There simply would have been no future for them, and Cullen couldn't bear that thought.

He pulled Alexis to him and she rolled on her side so she would fit better in the cradle of his arms.

"I know in your past you didn't have a choice regarding children, or about a lot of things really, but you have that choice now. You really have it, and you can choose to live your life the way you want it." He said, smiling at her. For as sad as it was that it needed a war and its dreadful consequences for a Templar and a mage to be allowed to be together, she was the single best thing that ever happened to him.

"No Cullen, I still don't have it. At least not until this war is over." Alexis said. "And even after… There are risks. I am a mage. I won't doom the life of a child by risking he'd have magic. I am not ashamed of my powers but I don't wish that burden on anyone. Our world isn't kind to mages. The insults, the sidelong glances, people treating you differently, the fear, the self-doubt that you can't escape when people call you an abomination. I don't want to inflict that to someone else. And, for all we know, the next Divine could just reinstate the circles like before, what will happen then, to me, to any child with magic?"

Alexis sighed and looked down, trying to hide her sadness and her fears from Cullen. In pure vain of course. He cupped her face in his hand, tilting her chin up. Warm and loving eyes met hers and, not for the first time, she felt enraptured by the goodness and the peaceful strength of his amber gaze.

"I know it's not the proper time for a discussion about our future together." Cullen said, his thumb softly stroking her cheek. They had somewhat of a tacit agreement: they wouldn't talk or make specific plans about the future until Corypheus was defeated because, rather than being a pleasant topic, it always made Alexis think about whether or not she would survive the battle. "But, Lex, I swore to protect you in any way I can. No matter what happens, I will fight whoever or whatever dares come between us. I will protect you and I will protect our life together."

He didn't say the world child, but the hidden meaning of his words wasn't lost on Alexis. Nor was the fire burning in his eyes as he once more made the promise to stand by her and protect her no matter what.

"Besides." He said with a smile this time. "Whatever happens, you will never go back to a circle. You're the Inquisitor! Look at all the people who have faith in you and who would fight for you. Or look at those who owe you favors! Whoever the next Divine is, she won't be able to lock you up simply because she wants to. And if she is smart, she'll most certainly try to have you on her side."

"You're right." Alexis admitted with a sigh. "I know you're right but…"

"You're scared and rational thoughts don't matter much when you feel afraid."

"Yes. I guess so."

Cullen could relate to that feeling. After all, how many years did he spent blinded by his emotions, all rational thoughts leaving him whenever his fear of magic was triggered? How many mages did he treat unfairly because he let his anger gain the better of him? An anger that was merely a cover up for him not to feel powerless in the face of his fears, a mean for him to believe that he was in control.

"I know the feeling." He said, tucking a loose strand of her hair behind her ear and letting his knuckles brush softly over her cheek. "And if you can't help but think bad things will happen, remember that I am here, I am not going anywhere and, as I long as I breathe I will not let anyone take you away from me."

"My, when have you become so protective of me? Not that I am complaining." Alexis said with a little grin at the corner of her lips. It was quite thrilling and also endearing to see Cullen pledge himself so fiercely to her and vowing to protect her. She was used to take care of others, to be the one doing the protecting, whether while she was in the circle or now as the Inquisitor. It was nice to have someone doing it for her.

Cullen slid his arm underneath her head and pulled her to him as he rolled onto his back. She nestled against his side, letting her hand roam on his bare chest. To Alexis' delight, he was only wearing simple linen trousers and the sight of his half-naked body was one she enjoyed perhaps a little too much.

"I hardly think it's new. I just try not to be over bearing. It would be inappropriate if, during war council, I'd say just how much I hate sending you into the fray when it is your role. Still, I don't like doing it and you have no idea how hard it is for me every time you have to leave."

"I guess now I know why Leliana and Josephine say that you are grumpier than usual when my reports are late."

"I am not." He said on the defensive, making Alexis giggle in response. "All right. Maybe a little." He admitted.

"Don't worry. I don't mind that you fuss over me a little. So long as you let me do it too, because I know you forget to take care of yourself sometimes."

"All right. Although I have a feeling you didn't wait for me to agree because, lately, whenever I forget to show up for a meal in the great hall, someone brings me a tray of food. At it happens even when you are away from Skyhold."

"Well, some people take it seriously when I say 'inquisitor's orders'." She said with a small shrug of her shoulders and an amused smile on her face.

"I knew it was you!" He said, laughing and pulling her close so her head was resting on his chest and her leg was draped over his, causing the sheet to hike further up her thigh. "Well, thank you. I appreciate everything you do for me. Truly."

"You're welcome."

She laid a gentle kiss on the scarred corner of his lips before burying her head in the crook of his neck, inhaling his deep and musky scent and snuggling close to him, relishing the warmth radiating from his body.

They remained silent and wrapped in each other's arms for a while, enjoying this moment of peace, neither of them sleepy and yet both feeling lazy enough to simply want to stay in bed doing nothing.

"Where did you get that scar?" Alexis asked after a while, her thumb tracing the thin line that marred his face and cut across his upper lip.

"In Kirkwall, sometime after the rebellion." He answered, laying a kiss in the palm of her hand. "There was a lot of unrest in the city for months after the explosion of the chantry. I wouldn't be able to count the number of skirmish and battles I had to fight during that time for there were so many. Hawke was there when I got this. I remember her saying that, if I wanted Isabela to stop hitting on me, there were less painful ways than trying to become less attractive by stopping blades with my face."

"She really said that?" Alexis asked, laughing. "Well, if you were aiming for that, it didn't work out. This scar is very, very distracting." She said, insisting on the words _very_ with a bit of a sultry voice.

"Oh really?" Cullen said with a grin at the corner of his lips.

"Yes! Especially when you smile like that. I swear it makes it really hard for me to concentrate."

"Good to know. I should use it to my advantage next time I want you to agree with my plans."

Cullen still had that sly grin placated on his face. Most of the people working alongside Cullen had no idea how smug he could be sometimes, this side of his personality only coming out when he was relaxed and at ease. But Maker, the man definitely knew how to be smug and he looked damn good doing it.

"My, my, Commander, trying to use your private relationship with the Inquisitor to gain work-related favors? That's bad!" She said with mirth-filled eyes.

"Yes, but I know first-hand how you like my bad side." Cullen said, wrapping his arms tightly around Alexis and pulling her on top of him, keeping her pressed against him and peppering her neck and face with kisses as he started to tickle her. She laughed and her voice was the most beautiful music to his ears, a sound that filled his heart with joy.

"All right, all right, you win!" Alexis said, a little breathless as she pulled herself up.

She was straddling his hips and Cullen's hands came to rest on her bare legs, unable to resist the appeal of her naked skin. It was moments like this one that made Cullen wonder how he got so lucky. A luck that could reveal to be fleeting; and he was reminded of that when his gaze landed on the red marks she had on her arm. It was a souvenir from her trip in the fade at Adamant. The wound would soon be fully healed, all traces of her new brush with death erased. But Cullen knew too well how close he came to lose her. Just like at Haven. And he couldn't help but shiver at the thought that more deadly battles were awaiting her.

"Yeah, I know it's not pretty. But the healers said it shouldn't leave a scar since they took care of it rapidly." She said when she noticed what had caught Cullen's attention.

He looked up at her when she spoke, noticing how uneasy she suddenly sounded. He couldn't miss the way her eyes betrayed her insecurity. Cullen knew Alexis was uncomfortable with the scars marring her body. She always hid them underneath her clothes and, more often than not, she would shy away from his touch if he lingered on them for too long.

"I am sure it will soon be just a memory." Cullen said in a way he hoped to be comforting. He wasn't very good with words. Even though he had become more comfortable and at ease around Alexis, less afraid to make a fool of himself, he wasn't sure how to approach more sensitive subjects.

"Hopefully, yes. At least this time I won't add a new scar to the collection. Unlike yours, they don't really add to my charm." She said with a small chuckle that did not quite managed to cover up the self-deprecation that transpired in her words.

"I don't think your scars diminish your charm." Cullen said, taking her hand in his, his thumb tracing soothing patterns in her palm.

"You don't have to lie to make me feel better. I know scars on a woman aren't considered attractive." She shrugged her shoulders, her half-smile turning into a pout as her self-consciousness took the better of her.

"I mean it." Cullen said. "Alexis, you are amazingly beautiful, and you are kind and strong and funny. Those are the things that give you your natural charm and scars can't change that." He brought her hand to his lips, laying a soft kiss on her knuckles.

"I suppose it's hard for me to see it that way. I just wish I could make them disappear. Look like a normal woman and not like someone who got… beat up." She said, frowning as she was struggling with her emotions. She had always refused to use the word torture for what happened to her. As if acknowledging the true nature of this event would make her weak.

"I feel the same way sometimes." Cullen sighed and laced their fingers together, Alexis' words resonating deeply with his own feelings. "I wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't been at Kinloch Hold, or in Kirkwall. Sometimes I wish I could be a different person, a person that doesn't have so many regrets in his past. But I can't change what happened." He said, looking up at her, his amber eyes burning with the intensity of his emotions, the bad and the good ones. "You can't change what that Templar did to you and how it changed you. But I love you Alexis, every single part of you and what you see as flaws I see as signs of how strong and amazing you are! And…" He paused, suddenly unsure or perhaps a little overwhelmed. "If all these things you don't like about yourself simply don't matter to me, I hope that you can love me as much as I love you despite the broken parts of me."

His words, the hint of melancholy in his voice that meant he was feeling unworthy, it broke her heart and she felt tears prickling at the corner of her eyes. She couldn't find the right words to tell him just how much he meant to her, so she leaned down, cupped his face in her hands and she kissed him, pouring everything she had into this kiss.

"I love you." A kiss on his scar at the corner of his lips. "I love you." A kiss on his cheek, his light stubble feeling just this side of rough against her lips. "I love you." A kiss on his forehead that made him smile. "I love you" A kiss on his lips, one that lingered, one that said he meant the world to her.

"I love you too." He said in a whisper when they parted.

"I love you Cullen, and to me you are perfect."

"You are perfect to me too."

Cullen answered as he brought his hand to her face and softly pulled her in for another kiss. He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her flush against him, and his hands wandered up her back, his fingertips brushing the scars she hated so much, the scars that he liked simply because it was part of her.

Just like her Cullen had his own scars, both hidden and etched on his skin. Maybe it was one of the reasons why he had felt so attracted to her in the first place, even if he hadn't realized it at that time; the darkness inside him recognizing the ghosts in her eyes long before he understood what they were. But as dark as his nightmares were and as broken as he still felt sometimes, now more than ever Cullen knew that, together, they could learn how to feel whole again. And maybe one day he would finally be able to forget the scars of his past, just as he hoped he could help her forget her own.

Soon the gentle kiss deepened, their embrace became more feverish and professions of love became unnecessary, the need for words fading as the language of their body conveyed all their feelings and desires.

They parted, a little breathless and Alexis pulled herself up, much to Cullen's disappointment as he wanted nothing more than to hold her in his arms and seal his mouth over hers. But the need to have her closer to him receded to the back of his mind when he took the time to really look at her: long brown hair falling gracefully on her shoulders, a light blush on her face that rivaled the redness of her full lips, her porcelain skin bathed in the glow of the candlelight. Maker, if their heated embrace hadn't already aroused him, just looking at her right now would have accomplished it.

A soft smile came to Alexis' lips when their eyes met, words rendered useless as but one look at each other told them everything they needed to know. Her eyes never leaving his, she untied the sheet wrapped around her chest, letting it fall and pool at her hips.

Cullen felt his pulse quicken and his heart hammered almost painfully in his chest as he let his hands trail up the length of her creamy thighs to push away the sheets, baring her completely to him. Maker help him, he had never wanted anyone in his life like he wanted her. Her presence at his side gave him a sense of peace and joy too long forgotten. And yet the simple sight of her could also set his blood aflame, filling him with a thirst that could only be quenched at the cradle of her lips.

The next seconds passed in a blur as the only thing he could focus on was the infinite depth of her blue eyes. Somehow, during that time, they got rid of his trousers and his smalls and a small gasp of pleased surprised escaped him when the hardened length of his cock pressed against her warm and wet core. His hands gripped her hips when she started to slowly move on top of him and Cullen had to force himself to keep his eyes open. He groaned loudly when she took him inside her, unable to prevent the small spasm that coursed through his body as he was overwhelmed with a raw and intense pleasure.

Alexis smiled to see him so responsive to her. Cullen was always so in control, and she understood why it was so important to him but now, even if he could only do so briefly, she wanted him to let go and simply enjoy himself. This time, their rhythm was slow to build, their primal desire still satisfied from their previous love-making, leaving room for other needs to be fulfilled; the need to feel connected not only physically but emotionally. The intimacy created by the pleasure they gave to the other.

Cullen's breathing was already ragged and uneven, his fingers digging in the soft flesh of her hips and waist. He was a sight to behold and Alexis was quite enjoying it; hair mussed from his usual style, letting show his natural curls, the molten gold of his eyes unable to look elsewhere but at her, the way the candlelight danced on his skin with every flex of his muscle. She let her hands trailed down his chest, from his shoulders, broad from swordplay, to his navel and the light dusting of hair on his lower abdomen, relishing the feeling of his warm skin beneath her fingertips.

Her nails raking along his chest sent shivers down Cullen's spine and with a low growl he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her down to him, silencing her moan of surprise by sealing his lips over hers.

They moved in unison, they kissed each other with the fervor of their goodbyes and they embraced each other with the longing of their reunions. At last, they found completion in each other's arms, clinging to each other as if for dear life.

Their bodies still joined and locked in a tender embrace they waited for their breathing to calm down. Then Alexis let herself fall onto the bed and Cullen pulled the sheets over them. He also grabbed the extra blanket that himself rarely used, but he knew Alexis would enjoy the extra layer and he covered them both before cradling her in his arms. She nestled against his side, her head resting on his shoulder, her hand tracing slow and soothing patterns on his chest.

"We should stay like this forever." She said, a small sigh of content on her lips.

"Right now it sounds like a wonderful idea." He laid a kiss on the top of her head, smiling to himself. He never was one to remain idle for too long, but with Alexis beside him, the idea of staying in bed doing nothing had never been so appealing.

"Honey?"

"Yes?"

Cullen said, unable to hide the surprise in his voice as it was the first time she called him by using a term of endearment. She always used his first name or occasionally called him Rutherford when she wanted to tease him or when she was feeling smug about something. And he couldn't say why exactly, but hearing her call him honey, it made his heart flutter a little.

"Can you promise me something?"

"Everything you want, my love."

"When all this is over, we'll go back to the cabin by the lake. We'll disappear for a couple of weeks with no one to bother us, no _inquisitor_ or _commander_ , no reports, no war council. Just you and me."

"I promise I will take you to the lake, we'll have won the war and it will be just you and me. And I promise I will try not to ask Leliana to send me copies of the reports." He said in all honesty, amused by his own inability to let go of his responsibilities.

"I can work with that. Besides I am sure I will find ways to distract you from them." Alexis said with a distinct teasing tone in her voice.

"Of that I have no doubt."

His hand delved into her hair, tilting her head towards him so he could capture her lips in a sweet and lazy kiss.

This night, as they drifted off to sleep in each other's arms, there was no fear of what the future would hold, only the certainty that they would face it together.


End file.
